Gordie: One day at a time

[Treasur]

I don't know, Gordie - I can see the sense of listening more - but also that you feel friend-zoned and like things have plateaued...and you say sometimes you talk for an hour but also that she is distancing emotionally...hmmm, not sure. Is OM still in play? If so, of course, that will affect things.

What do you do on your dates? What do you think would surprise her, something you're sure she'd love but would think you wouldn't know about her? If OM is out of play, are you wooing her, Gordie? Does she think of the 'dates' as dates?

What do other chaps think Gordie could do to build on things?

[Gordie]

Treasur: I can see the sense of listening more - but also that you feel friend-zoned and like things have plateaued...and you say sometimes you talk for an hour but also that she is distancing emotionally...hmmm, not sure. Is OM still in play? If so, of course, that will affect things.

Gordie: POM is a good question. I don't snoop and I try not to speculate so I'll just stick to the facts. They used to spend a lot of time at work together. W said at b d she had never told him what she felt but that she was going to do so. I didn't handle her confiding in me about her POM well so she stopped talking to me about him. POM is still with his GF. POM still works with W but much less than they used to. I say friend zoned because she still talks to me and often opens up to me but the physical affection and that romantic intangible has dried up. I feel she wants platonic love and friendship from me right now and maybe that's all she can handle. This is tricky too because on the one hand I don't want to do anything close to pressuring her for physical affection on the other hand she craves the sexual attention of men but maybe not from me right now. If this sounds confusing, it is to me too.

Treasur: What do you do on your dates? What do you think would surprise her, something you're sure she'd love but would think you wouldn't know about her? If OM is out of play, are you wooing her, Gordie? Does she think of the 'dates' as dates?

Gordie: Those are great questions. Dates usually involve a meal and sometimes just a meal. Sometimes they involve a meal and spending more time together sometimes just walking around or sometimes doing an activity. I do on occasion try to surprise her with something that I know she will like but I don't want to pursue overly aggressively and money is tight, so these tend to be smaller in nature--a little present, her favorite flowers, etc. she always shows appreciation when I do these things. I struggle over giving space, being thoughtful and showing attention, trying to build connection, but not aggressively pursuing and acting needy. I have no idea if she considers these dates or not.

[bttrfly]

Gordie I had typed a response on my cell but lost it somehow before it posted, so here's another attempt:

I can't help wondering if w let the D issue slide because she's not sure yet, and is that also why she seems distant. Perhaps it's not distance so much as preoccupation with wondering what she really wants to do, partly due to your turning things around with your new authentic attentive self.

I agree it's a potential mistake to do anything that resembles the old you, as that will give ammunition to the whole idea of D being a solution.

So, keep DBing, keep being the new authentic you, keep digging deeper for patience, try to keep all expectations at zero and pray. xoxoxoxo the outcome is always in God's hands anyway.

much love xoxoxoxo and hugs

[OwnIt]

Patience dear Gordie. Just patience.

[Gordie]

Butterfly--I really hope that is the case but absent mind reading, I have no idea. I have also rededicated to praying about this thing and lifting it up to God.

Ownit--thanks for the reminder: patience!

***

Pending divorce and financial stress are really getting to me this week. I feel that lump in my throats that won't go away. W is friendly but keeps her physical distance. It's driving me crazy.

***

Re reading all the pursuit and distance threads. I think I am a natural distancer emotionally and pursuer sexually and w is of course my opposite. At b d she basically said I am tired of pursuing you emotionally and you pursui me sexually. So post b d, I have been the one trying to build emotional connection as she distances and let her take the lead on physical contact which I crave. Has this worked? Well, I have learned a lot about myself and it has slowed the divorce proceedings down. I do crave emotional connection to w. Why was I distancing when she was pursuing?

[OwnIt]

Because its scary to put yourself out there and risk rejection. Intimacy is difficult for lots of us, even those who crave it. Having only ever been with an emotionally unavailable man I'm terrified that some day I will meet a man who is emotionally available and feel smothered by him.

I think if you focus on being "emotional" with her as something you need to work on for yourself, you may find some solace in protecting yourself if she rejects you. A lesson is still a lesson if you get the answer wrong. Sometimes we learn more from the wrong turns than we do from the right.

Let go of the divorce. Stop thinking of it as the end of the line. Have I slowed my own divorce from DBing for the last 10 months or is my H just really averse to making any kind of definitive step. I think its the latter. Maybe yours is the same way. Focus on today and what you can do to make it great.

[Gordie]

Ownit,

Yes. There's definitely some of that. Funny thing is I did think I was emotionally available but guess only w can be the judge of that.

Mirror says I was a sensitive kid who got the stuffing kicked out of him which made me very wary to be open...until w. She made me feel safe and loved and accepted and understood. And now w makes me feel rejected and abandoned, yet I am still so attached.

And yes, maybe she didn't slow down because she was uncertain. Maybe she's just being lazy or it's inconvenient. Gotta keep expectations at zero, lovingly detaching and faking it until I make it.

Do d b for me as saving m seems less and less realistic. Things seemed to be improving and now not so much. The anger from b d is gone but that anger was mixed with I wish you were a better man! Now I am a better man and for a while she acted intrigued and attracted. These past couple weeks I have remained steady but w no longer acts intrigued or attracted. I can only control my actions. I can't control how she feels about me.

Patience. One day at a time.

[bttrfly]

{{{hugs}}} Gordie, cuz you need them.

You can only keep on with the changes so that they become ingrained ... you're right to focus on what you can control and to keep turning it over.

xoxoxo

hang in there; you're doing better than you think (or feel)

[roist]

It is harder to stick at this when things appear not to be going your way. That is when we need to dig deeper and stick to our path. There may be times that you convince yourself that all is lost. That may feel true but that does not mean it is.

This process is not linear. There are ups and downs, twists and some backsliding along the way. Expect this. Don't give it to dispair as they occur but learn to watch these times as phases along the way that you must go through almost as an independent observer.

It is difficult to watch your W distancing but you must do just that. Let her go. Trying to fight it only pushes them away faster. Let it happen if that is the path she chooses.

You are stronger than I was at the one year mark. You are doing great. Don't judge your efforts solely on her commitment to you. Unfortunately they are independent at least at this stage, but it is later on that the work you put in now will stand to you.

I commend your ability to not snoop. I admit in my first year I could only stand if I knew nothing unacceptable was happening. Snooping gave me that assurance but also gave me my hardest knocks. A high price I almost couldn't pay.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

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