Going through divorce #4

[SwHubby]

Yes, you really do sound better. You are much more calm overall in your posts.

I saw that post as well from Accuray (?). I can relate to the not in control part as well. I think the sitch, not being in control as well as having my identity shattered contribute alot to my feelings. I do however still have feelings for W but I have a hard time seperate it from other feelings about the sitch.

My largest problem through this sitch is not OM, it is problem to convince W to letting D sleep at my place and make up a plan for us to go for every other week for D in our places. I really dread going to court and "start a fight" but soon I must if I am to avoid being the every other weekend dad. Getting stone-walled so far but still have hope for a happy ending in this part of the sitch.

It is crap that you live so far away, like in a country beginning with F/D (?). Otherwise we could meet up and chat about our sitches in person. I am also an introvert person and enjoy being on my own. I think it is hard as well to make friends. But usually it gets easier if your goal is not to make friends, but to have a good time or accomplish something.

About the sitch, maybe try to not have any expectations? It seems that recon is usually a long way down the road if any (see comments from AS as an example). I know that W is not going to change her mind anytime in the near future. We are going to get D (late Nov) and I will probably see W start dating soon. She might never come around, or maybe it will happen in a year or three? But we cannot plan for it, if it happens then it happens and we will deal with it then.

Best of luck!

[lcause]

Ah that [censored]. Sorry to hear you have to go to court. I am actually every second weekend dad+some week days. I have to wake up so early that I can't take D to school. We'll see in the future but I prefer kids having the choice and I don't like 50/50 because I've heard a lot of kids feel they don't live anywhere but are just ping ponging around.

Yes I'm from F. Curious why no N? Hehe. Yeah would have been nice to meet in person.

I am not having any expectations on my wives part anymore. For me, I don't really think I want back. I am starting to feel I'm better off alone and rebuilding my life with someone else eventually. Coincidently, after I realized what LH19 wrote, I have been more happy and more confident when interacting with my wife. I haven't thought about my words anymore. My D laughs constantly while video calling and I hear my W laughing too at times. I was much more closed previously whenever I interacted with her.

I am doing exercises to get my dopamine/reward system functioning again. I dropped sugar and other related stuff completely from my diet, cut coffee to one cup a day/replaced it with green tea, bought a white board and I write down my daily goals, striking over them when I finish and doing a celebration each time no matter how small the task has been. I hope this combined with exercise and meditation eventually rewires my brain.

[AnotherStander]

I am so saddened 6 years of my life has gone to waste because my mind was limiting me. In the end I lost what was supposed to be the most important for me. This was the karma, the ultimate self fulfilling prophecy.

I could have achieved so much more if I understood the things earlier. I know I need to live in the present and forget the past. It just haunts me what I caused. Although, ultimately I am happy if my XW found the happiness now she was after. I could have been a better choice if I saw it earlier. It is too late now but I still have some time to rebuild my life and be a part of someone else's happiness. Possibly.

Hey LC, there is this recurring theme in your posts where you beat yourself up for not being a good enough H, I mean it's good that you see that now but at some point you've got to move on. I am not saying to FORGET, I am saying LEARN and be better. And I think you're well on your way, but this dwelling on your past mistakes is possibly holding you back from really being the ultimate you. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Maybe yours were worse than others here, maybe others were worse than yours, but the best any of us can do is learn from our mistakes and improve ourselves. And -that- process never ends. I thought I was a pretty good DBer but even now 5 years post BD I find myself falling into old patterns and I'm constantly having to check myself, and do a "post mortem" on my behavior after I mess up. We'll never be perfect, none of us. We learn and we keep moving forward. So don't dwell too much on how "bad" you were, try to take a more clinical approach towards it and analyze your behavior and determine how to fix it.

By the way you've also convinced yourself that you have no chance with your W. I'm not convinced of that though. You've grown tremendously in your time here. Your W spent a lot of years with you, you have a history. She fell in love with you and that person she fell in love with is still in there, maybe now more than in recent years. Her struggle right now is reconciling that with who she's been seeing the last few years. It will take her a while to become convinced you really have changed, and when she does, what happens then is not written yet.

[lcause]

Hey LC, there is this recurring theme in your posts where you beat yourself up for not being a good enough H, I mean it's good that you see that now but at some point you've got to move on. I am not saying to FORGET, I am saying LEARN and be better. And I think you're well on your way, but this dwelling on your past mistakes is possibly holding you back from really being the ultimate you. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Maybe yours were worse than others here, maybe others were worse than yours, but the best any of us can do is learn from our mistakes and improve ourselves. And -that- process never ends. I thought I was a pretty good DBer but even now 5 years post BD I find myself falling into old patterns and I'm constantly having to check myself, and do a "post mortem" on my behavior after I mess up. We'll never be perfect, none of us. We learn and we keep moving forward. So don't dwell too much on how "bad" you were, try to take a more clinical approach towards it and analyze your behavior and determine how to fix it.

By the way you've also convinced yourself that you have no chance with your W. I'm not convinced of that though. You've grown tremendously in your time here. Your W spent a lot of years with you, you have a history. She fell in love with you and that person she fell in love with is still in there, maybe now more than in recent years. Her struggle right now is reconciling that with who she's been seeing the last few years. It will take her a while to become convinced you really have changed, and when she does, what happens then is not written yet.

Thanks AS. The difference between this post and the previous ones was that this was written in indifference. Previous ones were written with teary eyes

I know that "past me" does not matter anymore, except for being the baseline I can compare my growth to. It is "today's me" who is building the foundation for "future me", "past me" does not matter anymore.

I know we will never R. I just know it inside me. It's something I'm ok with now. I feel loss of control and a knife in my heart when she could just jump into another R directly after me. I don't think I'm in love anymore and I feel totally unwilling to even try to build our R again even if a chance would present itself. Don't get me wrong I'm NOT detached and I feel the loss or fear of the future but I am convinced I'm going to be more happy this way.

[lcause]

Also, I really don't think the chance for recon is as good as you claim it to be. Statistically it's probably close to 5-10% of couples and I bet most of those are situations where the decision was done by impulse rather than M being unhappy for a longer time (possibly always?)

Also, despite her not having shown OM to my D yet, they are definitely in a relationship. I still don't know who it is though but I don't think my case is similar as others, as I don't think my XW would have taken a "project" (LOL). I don't hold grudges for OM though even if I have sounded like that. I don't think he has a good moral compass but this definitely is not his fault.

It'll just take some time for me to get past the codependency, feelings of lonely holidays etc. but there will be a day I enjoy being single

[SwHubby]

Easy, I asked you early in our sitches if you were from N based on the legal system you described. :-)

Good luck and keep on fighting!

[lcause]

Ah, lol. I forgot. Well, you forgot too. We were talking about culture, not the legal system. In our culture, I don't think separation is that common. People are less religious and marriage vows are less important here.

This white board helps omg. I have to do -list written on big letters and I can dismantle big problems to smaller parts. I have always had a problem where I focus on the end goal without realizing the importance of the work needed. I am a smart person so when I get my neurotransmitters in balance, I WILL achieve more.

Kids over this weekend, yay. Trying to come up with ideas to do with D. Gonna GAL with her and she wanted to help me to organize stuff here, haha.

XW has changed her WhatsApp profile picture to a very flirtatious one. Lol... She never put her hair like that when she was with me. I guess OM likes it that way

[LH19]

Please erase her from all social media.

[lcause]

I don't have her on Facebook. I use WhatsApp to all conversations with everyone I know. Even with her.

The picture did not make me feel any different, I just found it funny. I really feel more and more detached day by day. She just brought my D here and I didn't even feel that attracted to her now. Your comment was a literal eye opener. It's like this fog lifted off. The detachment curve feels like it would be exponential. I guess I might fall back to feeling bad if something happens but currently I feel rather good. I'm more worried about my own future, what I really want to do for living etc. than to be with someone or be with her. I see benefits in being single.

[LH19]

Dude you are going to be fine. You have your entire life ahead of you. Just don't ever forget the lessons you have learned from this experience.

At some point she is going to want you back and your not going to want to take her back. Guaranteed!