Now go away or I will taunt you a second time

[job]

So sorry to read that you've had some stressful times helping your mother. At least you now have the power of attorney and your brother is POA. These actions should make you feel a bit better since you live a ways away.

As for Matt, sounds like he's waking up a bit. He feels old because he's abused his body with drugs and alcohol over the years and yes, his crisis took a toll on his body as well. In time, as he heals from within, he should start to feel better with respect to his health and mental well being.

As for his anger issues, he needs to see someone about that. He needs to find ways to deal w/that anger in a productive way, i.e., work it out of his system.

I think you are very wise in not making any promises to him about the future. After all, it's just been a few months since he has started to wake up and until he has gotten himself away from the OW and on his own and doing what he needs to do to fix himself, he could slip back into the tunnel.

Hopefully, in time, he will grow up and become a more mature, grounded man to his family.

[LoisB]

Thank you Job :-)

Just asked for 48 hours to take a breather. I was honest that I was feeling that ol' codependent pull again, and some fear of him pulling the plug.

When I get that weird, nagging, terrible feeling in my stomach... time to step away, and focus on me. He was nice about, reassured me he wasn't pulling the plug, but agreed to step back for 48. He abided by the 72 hours last time.

Phoned into a meeting, got some support from friends. Eating lunch, then back to work. Listened to Melody Beattie yesterday for a long time.

[LoisB]

Thank You Bright! So nice to hear from you!!! I hope you are doing well. Thanks so much for the feedback.

Taking this SLOWLY, and focusing on myself. The distance makes a huge difference. Once I reached the stage, where I knew I'd be find without him, that's when he reappears.

So good to hear from you ;-)

[Sotto]

Taking a breather sounds like a good idea as the contact you've been having sounds like quite a lot at such an early stage and with OW still somewhere in the mix.

I never once saw anyone post - Wow, I took that a little too slowly....only ever too fast. And this sounds a little too fast right now IMHO.

Gentle withdrawal, space for you, occasional contact, no R discussions and absolutely no expectations. Then if he consistently comes forward, you'll be pleasantly surprised and can move gently forward yourself...

JMHO of course and I hope things continue to move (very slowly!!!) in a positive direction

[LoisB]

Thank you Sotto. That sounds like sound advice. I think all this stuff with my Mom kinda pushed us together a little... at least, I felt more open to his attention, because I was stressed.

Until he is living AWAY from OW, and solidly clean, nothing has really changed, no matter what he says.

It's one of those things where, when someone rejects you and disappears, then reappears, you kinda feel like filling them in on all they missed. Our youngest daughter has been doing the same thing. For me, there's this fear of him disappearing again, and I feel this urge to get in time, before the bomb drops again.

But, I'm really only interested in a NEW, and Improved MATT anyway. And, he's got a way to go. If it's meant to be, it will be.

[kml]

I'm sorry, but the racist comments would be a deal breaker for me. Indicates a character that I would not want in my life.

[roist]

Acting on the impulse of fear is rarely productive, especially in this process. I understand the wanting to benefit the most you can whilst he is open to that. But that is selling yourself short.

Build connection whenever he seeks you out. Look for those opportunities and times where he is fully there and available to connect. Forcing it at all other times is counter productive. Until he is all-in he is most likely to withdraw if confronted with more than he can handle.

Keep your boundaries in place but just because he isn't where you need him to be doesn't mean nothing has changed. It is a slow process with much hidden beneath the surface.

Best wishes

[LoisB]

Twenty-four hours into a time-out. It's really helping. Getting back into the flow of my life.

Ellie, No, I would not seek out someone on a dating app/after a date with the remarks he made. Still, I've confronted him on some of what he has said, and he admits to feeling very scared being face-to-face with us after all he has done. When Matt is scared, he says stupid shid. I can see that. Time will tell.

I need to get clear on what I'm looking for in a partner. What do I want? What dynamic with Matt am I not interested in repeating? Am I able to have a NEW relationship with him? I'm not sure.

All I know for certain, the girls and I have missed him in our lives. But, that doesn't necessarily mean he needs to be my romantic partner. And, it's way too soon for that anyway.

I know I still need to create a solid business and financial life. I'm getting there, but have a way to go.

Just thinking out loud.

Thanks for the feedback. Have an awesome day.

[Sotto]

I think the wisest thing would be to look at this in stages. You have had a stage of not being in contact or just occasional contact for a good while.

What may be happening now is a stage where you may be in touch some more and he wants to spend some time with you and with the girls. And that's fine if it works for you.

But I would make this stage 'potential friends again' only and I would make it a good long stage - a year? During this period, you could be in touch more and see how you feel about it. How he seems. How consistent is the progress and so on.

But during this stage, I would take any thought of romance off the table. You are not in touch as romantic partners and it would be too soon to consider doing that (IMHO). If he wants to ask about 'us' you could reply - it's good to be in touch again, as for more than that, I would need some more time - or whatever similar reply works for you.

The next stage - if at all - might be to reconnect romantically. But there's no need for you even to think about this (or put any pressure on yourself - or him) at this stage, because this isn't that stage. I'm not saying any of that would be easy - and you would need a clear head, cool heart and strong focus on your life independent to him - but I think it would be wise.

I agree about the anger and the racism - neither are great behaviours to be around - and you may want to be clear about that from the outset.

Hope this helps a little anyway and I think you are doing well. Goodness knows how I would cope if my ex wanted us to be in touch again

Xx

[job]

Sotto is 100% spot on w/her advice this morning. Relationships should begin as an acquaintance, then friendship and then on to a romantic one. Right now, you are just an acquaintance and that means getting to know him again, i.e., just as he is doing w/you. You may find that you need to explore this new relationship for 12-18 months before anything romantic happens.

Heather, I do not want to see you and the girls hurt/disappointed w/him again. Always remember...patience and his actions need to match his words.