Now go away or I will taunt you a second time

[LoisB]

OH, and the Forester is still contacting me. See it for what it is, but still flattering. :-)

[LoisB]

Checking in:

Ol' What's His Name is still pursuing.

Has declared he wants to reunite. Made a terrible mistake, got himself into a mess--"I don't know what I was thinking, or how I got here. I lost my family. I see now that it doesn't matter where I am, or who I'm with, I have to make things right with me."

He has revealed some details of his relationship with OW---not pretty. We are essentially talking about a predator woman, who was/is looking for someone to take care of her. Sounds freakishly like my former MIL. Just taking notes, not over-analyzing this... but, find it really interesting, he went for someone so controlling, somewhat mean and an over-the-top narcis. My instincts into who she is--I was dead on.

Anyway, after the last phone call, and several outreach calls--I asked for a 72-hour break from him. Clarified, again, there is no remote possibility of a reunion if A. He doesn't have at least 3 months sobriety with support B. Isn't in therapy C. Hasn't ended things for good with OW and she is GONE. Until then, it's status quo, I continue to date, live my life, focus on my business, etc...

Had a GREAT evening out with girlfriends last night at the champagne/used bookstore.

He is considering taking a job about 15 minutes from where he is now, still in OHIO. The job would mean less responsibility, more money and better benefits for therapy. I did add my two cents that I thought his having time to focus on himself with less responsibility sounds like a good idea---but, not my circus, or my call.

Just trying to give some insight into 5.5 years into this journey.

[bttrfly]

Unbelievable

[job]

Why am I not surprised that he's wanting to reunite? His relationship with Twinkle Tw@t (TT) has gone south and now he wants back into your lives because he sees that all three of you are doing well and are very happy.

He would need to be sober and in therapy for at least a year before I would even consider "dating" him. Keep in mind...it's a brand new relationship and you are very wise not to allow him back until the hard/necessary work is done. He needs to prove to you that he is trustworthy and is willing to stay sober and not have any contact w/ the "TT".

He also needs to learn what boundaries are and heed them when you tell him to back off, etc.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job and Butterfly,

I figured I'd give him an achievable goal to start, but didn't say we'd be dating once he has 3 months. Three months lines up with his proposed Christmas visit--I'd be okay with a visit, IF he is clean for three months with therapy and no TT. No guarantees on anything. Way too soon for any of that. For now, taking in the nice things he says, but have another date next week.

[roist]

You are right not to change your life just in case. I hope you dating doesn't complicate things for you. You are at this long enough to know your own mind and what is best.

You seem to have your head in a good place and are objective and reasonable with your requests and expectations. The ball is in his court.

Best wishes

[LoisB]

Thanks Roist,

I went home again to help with my Mom. Ended up getting power-of-attorney over her medical, and making my brother POA for her financial. It's been very stressful, and disruptive to my life.

Matt has been in daily contact. I saw him twice when I went up North. I'm not sure it was the best decision, but I was feeling really tired and overwhelmed and the attention was nice. He was supportive in his own way... which is still out-there, but more like the guy I used to know. He saw Louisa after he hadn't seen her in four years.

He brought pizza, and ate four pieces. That's the ol' Matt. He applied for the county job, still in Ohio, but with better benefits and drug testing. Appears to be clean.

I'm still not sure what I think? I'm not wavering on my terms. I want him to have some serious sobriety and therapy, before heading in our direction. However, I do feel somewhat confident this isn't a touch-n-go.

Interesting Observations:

1. He completely lost track of time. In Ohio, our daughter reached out to her old best friend. Old bff is now 16, and has her license. When the girls made plans, Matt asked, "Who is driving?" We had to reiterate about three times that this girl is NOW 16, not 9. He even asked if she was still attending the elementary school she attended when he left. Um, no, she is at a vocat. school. Weird.

2. Really working on stuff around his mom. And, angry. The anger comes out in some weird ways... some racist comments, some weird comments about being angry with Social Media??? Anyway, I told him he needed to work through the anger with a professional, or we didn't have a chance. He's not angry with us, directs it toward to politics and such... but, I'm sure it would head in our direction if we were together. He agrees, which is nice to hear. Still, Tooo sooooooooon. BABY, BABY STEPS.

3. He REMEMBERS EVERYTHING I said to him over the past five years. Like he recorded every conversation. He will bring something up I said from like three years ago--and he isn't angry or anything--more like he is using everything I said as a guide back to us. Like, if I do this, like Heather said, I will find my way home.

4. Acts way older than he is. He is 51. He said he has a hard time driving at night. Really? At 51? It's like he thinks he is 80. I mentioned the drum circle in Asheville, and he said he couldn't do loud music anymore. Wha??? He was a Metallica freak. Just strange.

Overall, I'm in a firm Maybe region. I'm not saying No to a future, I'm definitely not saying Yes. I'm not sure we are well-matched anymore. He acts so old, and can be really closed minded. I'm more of a free-spirit now. And, I don't like the idea of waiting around for someone to "change."

At the same time, it's been really nice to have validation that I wasn't crazy through all of this. Just about every instinct and gut feeling I had was dead on. The OW is exactly how I imagined her, just like his mom... He spent five years in an absolute fog. It's also been nice to hear some really nice things, and reconnect with the person I remember.

It's like he is around 85 percent more comfortable in his skin, a bit more okay with the world, REALLY accepting of his drug problem, and about 25 percent is still Wackadoo. He is obviously still cooking.

He told me his plan. He hopes to hear about this job in the next few weeks. He wants to move away from OW. They aren't a couple any longer. He has saved money for a new apartment. He would move to another town. He wants to continue to work on himself, get a therapist, stay clean, stay connected to us, and take this slow.

As for me, I have had a few moments of, "Shid, what if he disappears again?" Sorta panicky feeling... but, it passes, and strangely, he seems to sense it and reassure me some.

Still focused on my life. Still 8 hours away from him. Can't lie, though, it's been a nice distraction while dealing with my Mom.

[LoisB]

Forgot to add:

1. Threw himself into work. Sounds like an incredibly lonely life. Just work. That's his life. It was work and drugs. Now, it's just work, and, maybe? A.A. However, he has done a really good job with his position, and he is really proud of that. Giving lots of affirmations around this... something his parents always shamed him about... not finishing college, not being an atty, etc... However, I did confide that I had some resentment that he had the luxury of just focusing on his job, while I'm focused on the girls and the rest of it... I wasn't a b----, but expressed some resentment, and said we can work on that down the road, if we move forward.

2. Full of gratitude for how I've raised the girls. Giving me TONS of Gratitude for being the stable one, being there for the kids, and raising two really cool kids. Seems to really appreciate me right now as a mom. Seeing my value as a good mom, that's been awesome--regardless of what happens--I'm so grateful to hear that from him.

3. Have had a few honest moments with our youngest, where we were able to bring up some of the really hard times, and he took ownership, in front of our daughter, of his insanity... and how it impacted our lives.

[LoisB]

AND! Finally acknowledged Youngest D's Aspergers. Embraced it. That's HUGE.

Thinking of asking him for some extra money this month to help offset the costs of these weeks I've missed at work because of my mom. A friend suggested it may be a way of seeing if he truly willing to help. IDK.

[BrightFuture]

Wow, Heather! So many things at once! First, I’m so sorry about your mother. It is never easy when it is time to make the decisions you have to make. It is great that you have your brother to support you in this, so you are not alone.

I’ve been reading your updates about Matt… Thank you for sharing. After your first update about him trying to maintain a constant contact with you and your Ds, I was a bit skeptical… Honestly, I’m still a bit nervous about reading your updates… I want this new development to stick so badly… I’m absolutely ecstatic to read about how he acknowledged you as a great mother for your girls and is grateful for it! I’m thrilled to read that he also acknowledged your D’s Aspergers. This is HUGE!

Heather, you’ve come a long way… I absolutely admire your strength and your determination to make a better life for you and your Ds. You’ve made it!!! You are a true success story! You are AMAZING!

Thanks for sharing your story! It is always fascinating to me to read how MLCer finally comes to a realization of the things he/she lost. It is very interesting that he remembers everything you said. I thought they normally don’t remember things like that. I completely agree with you, that you need to see a solid evidence of the changes in him before you can even consider any kind of R (besides when it comes to his R with his Ds, of course, and still.. he has to prove he is clean…)

I’m also exited for our D’s, and especially the younger one. It is great that she got to hear some of his remorse in regards to the damage he caused. My hope is that he will continue in this direction and will repair the damage with his Ds, and especially the youngest.

OK, my fingers crossed… to read more of the positive updates from you! In any case, I would take it to have an apology and a recognition that I was a good Mom and wife (hehe)…. You’ve got at least that! Can only imagine how it feels… So happy for you, Heather!