Again I’m being misquoted or I’m really not that good at explaining myself. Her A is TOTALLY about her I had no influence in her crossing the line, I never went up and introduced AP/LO to her she did all the work this is what I mean.
I can’t change anything in my situation with HER I can change ME but for anything to change regarding my MR and RC then she holds all the cards. Please be assured you’ve taught me well I understand all about the begging, pleading and the whiney stance which to so unattractive, GONE LONG AGO.
“Move forward with your life. She'll never want to come back until she sees an awesome stud that DOESN'T CARE about whether she comes back or not.” ^^^^ Totally agree and working towards it, am having some minor success so am finally finding something that is working will keep this up. Still DR’ing. Still detaching Still NC Still GAL ^^^^ as best I can.
AS keep swinging at me I appreciate it.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Again I’m being misquoted or I’m really not that good at explaining myself. Her A is TOTALLY about her I had no influence in her crossing the line, I never went up and introduced AP/LO to her she did all the work this is what I mean.
I can’t change anything in my situation with HER I can change ME but for anything to change regarding my MR and RC then she holds all the cards. Please be assured you’ve taught me well I understand all about the begging, pleading and the whiney stance which to so unattractive, GONE LONG AGO.
“Move forward with your life. She'll never want to come back until she sees an awesome stud that DOESN'T CARE about whether she comes back or not.” ^^^^ Totally agree and working towards it, am having some minor success so am finally finding something that is working will keep this up.
Still DR’ing. Still detaching Still NC Still GAL ^^^^ as best I can.
AS keep swinging at me I appreciate it.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
The only thing I can't figure out, is that now that I'm in my post-apocalyptic DB mode, all of the manly-manliness that I created during DB doesn't seem to payoff. I belch manliness. I fart manliness. I strut when I walk, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
doodler,
Do you want it to payoff?
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
you have said repeatedly that you "get" what we are saying BUT...and then your next clause undermines the first.
I think you get acting as if, which is a big thing.
imo, you are choosing to allow your w and OM into your home with your children - at your expense.
I'm no expert but I'm familiar enough with GB's laws to know that ^^^ is not a mandatory situation.
Maybe you are afraid to assert yourself b/c you associate that (& boundaries) with being a jerk.
Have you discussed this unusual arrangement with a lawyer? (Not the custody, the living arrangement)...
And do you understand that while we would love to see you and your w reconcile, most of us believe you are more likely to reconcile, by letting her go?
Letting her go is not = giving up.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I thank you for driving me towards making their R more difficult and agree I am making her life that much more easier BUT I have in the back of my mind my two sons faces and what they looked like when these conversations about the marital home/bed came about. I won’t put them through that again.
Trust me there is nothing more I would like than to restrict the exposure of the AP/LO and my kids but again my WW wants the exact opposite and without me restricting the exposure to her then I can’t stop the exposure to him, does that make sense?
I’m sure all would agree the children should be protected first and foremost.
As time goes by I am getting more and more hardened towards her which is helping me DTR and focus more on my future and that of the boys, any conversations are cordial and brief but (and this is where I feel I’m being mistaken) I will continue to show her the best me whilst being civil (won’t say friendly any more) and show a place where she knows she won’t be berated as long as she respects my boundaries.
I can’t control any of this rollercoaster she’s on and I’m not buying a ticket as out there are better "rides" to experience, ones that are more worthy of me.
25yearsmlc – thanks for keeping an eye on me I do try and take on board what the “vets” suggest.
Appreciate it.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
As long as she thinks she can get you back easily, she won't come back. This is why we all are concerned about your strategy. Women are REALLY good at testing men and it's a really small percentage of men who have developed a natural ability to notice these. As long as you stay attached (this is what I got from her not getting berated), you ARE going to fail these potentially appearing tests. When you are fine either way, you will pass these.
She needs to know that in order to get you back, she needs to kiss the ground you are walking on. Again, read TXHubby's thread. That's how you deal with a WW.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I do understand what you’re saying but I’m always going to have interaction with my WW. As you know we have children together and there will always be the swap-over of responsibilities, I would suggest I’m being mistaken in just how “friendly” I am being here.
Would you prescribe in a cold-shoulder approach or stonewalling? I keep the conversation short kids/logistics related BUT civil. I never mention anything R related or waste my time even thinking about her A, we must bare in mind this woman was my best friend 8-months ago we did everything together but now its business like for me short concise and over within minutes.
I feel the GAL’ing being shown is where she’s seeing Mark moving on and it’s here I intend to escalate but because I’m enjoying it not for any "other" ulterior motive.
Thanks again.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I'm not an expert so take these with a grain of salt. However I've read a lot of sitches from here and other forums during my own sitch and I've noticed (and a lot of others have stated too) a pattern/typical script with WWs.
Originally Posted By: Parkema
I do understand what you’re saying but I’m always going to have interaction with my WW. As you know we have children together and there will always be the swap-over of responsibilities, I would suggest I’m being mistaken in just how “friendly” I am being here.
It is possible we are all misinterpreting you. However, I still somehow get the feeling you don't completely understand it and I see others agreeing with me
Originally Posted By: Parkema
Would you prescribe in a cold-shoulder approach or stonewalling? I keep the conversation short kids/logistics related BUT civil. I never mention anything R related or waste my time even thinking about her A, we must bare in mind this woman was my best friend 8-months ago we did everything together but now its business like for me short concise and over within minutes.
I mean keep it civil but indifferent. No matter what she says, you have to show you are the emotionally stronger one. There can be so subtle cues that until you have really accepted it and are ok either way, you will fail all of these. This requires the true detachment people are talking about. In this state, you don't have to think about how you act towards her or think that you are showing a "safe place". Because you act naturally without any subconscious feelings.
Realize this: love is more a CHOICE than a feeling. Attraction is feeling and you can't really choose who you become attracted to. You CHOOSE to be and live with someone you become attracted to. You nurture it and keep the bond strong. You can be attracted to someone but have so much emotional burden inside you towards the person that you don't want to be with them and love them. You can build up an R from the ground up and love will follow.
So, even if you have moved FORWARD (not moved ON) with your life and are ok to be single or even with a future with someone else, it doesn't mean you have completely given up on your marriage and you can DECIDE to build a new R if the opportunity presents itself.
As counter-intuitive as it is, this is the best strategy for you now. It both saves YOU and has the best chance of getting your WW back.
Originally Posted By: Parkema
I feel the GAL’ing being shown is where she’s seeing Mark moving on and it’s here I intend to escalate but because I’m enjoying it not for any "other" ulterior motive.
Showing GAL isn't enough, at least with WWs. You need the detachment. If she has any feelings towards returning, she will test you. I can guarantee that for you. And if you break/show signs that you are still there for her, she most likely won't return.
It pains me to read the sitches where the LBS has tried to nice the WW back in only to have to listen to her troubles with the OM or see the WW bounce to the next guy. Being a doormat is the worst thing you can do for your own sanity.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
we must bare in mind this woman was my best friend 8-months ago we did everything together.
Mark, again I want to say I think you are doing great in so many areas. See here is the thing best friends don't betray one another like your wife did. They also don't have full blown affairs on a whim. She probably wasn't happy for months but more likely years. IMO she is taking the easy way out because marriage is hard work.
With time and distance you will come too see this and she will slowly come down from the pedestal in your mind.
BTW I think your a fuching great Dad and your kids will always be closer to you.
