I dont' want to beat a dead horse. To clarify my post to you, which you really deflected from,
is that I don't believe you are enhancing your chances of a recon on the path you have taken. I think you are hurting the small chances that exist.
You seem to think I'm saying "give up", but I'm not. I am suggesting you change your course of action. It happens to be the same course of action you'd take if you really were to move on.
That is why I think it's wiser than hanging on and denying what has happened to your family.
When my h and I recon 10 years ago, it was partly due to my DB efforts I THINK---
if not for DBing I would have filed for divorce and h would either have done the work needed or we'd never have recon.
As it turns out, I absolutely mistook reconciliation as the goal, rather than a vital step towards a renewed marriage.
Can you check on some of the other questions I asked in my post?
Oh, and Keep posting.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Blimey I need to invest in a crash helmet or better dodge those 2x4’s LOL.
Of course I see here the “working on you for you” mantra and understand why WE do it please understand I am DR’ing I am doing the LRT and as best I can DTR!
Each situation is different we really have to live them to truly understand each other’s course of action. I’m unfortunately a logical person which doesn’t bode well with A as this especially for women is almost always based on emotion, I also feel that me being in this logical mindset has had an impact in my MR as the emotional me didn’t come to the table very often and defiantly aided in the AP/LO gaining a foothold on WW.
Coming back to those 2x4’s I feel I’m not explaining myself too well!
I understand that I can’t control her actions and how she feels about the AP/LO she’s going to do what she likes! Do I wait around for her to find her way back? Well yes BUT whilst I am I’m moving forward, what I mean by this is to GAL and look after myself and kids don’t ever focus on them or try to mind read as this will only set me back and hit the PMA. I find myself planning more (logical) on what I will be doing in the next month, taking a couple of days away to hike all the trails in the UK, watching the what you call soccer with my mates and of course taking the kids out and generally have fun with them.
NC – I don’t see it as no contact more as pointed out to me elsewhere “smart contact”, I don’t and NEVER WILL pursue her I don’t text, email or call her AT ALL EVER. I feel the “smart” part is to show her when we have face-to-face a person disinterested in what she’s doing because I’m too busy to care, but my demeanour remains friendly and I try to emit that place where she feels is safe. Will this aid in her seeing what we had wasn’t all that bad..?
Again SHE will initiate these interactions as I’m not bothered either way.
Detachment – We have children, we want to see our children all the time! I can’t and won’t punish my boys for what their mum has done to their dad so I have to relent here and allow them to see each other even when the schedule shows they are to be with me. We must bare in mind that it has gone from 17:00 – sending them to school the next day to her spending 10 – 15 minutes every 3-days and facetiming the rest of the time. The other 3-days when she has them stay with her she just picks them up from me! A matter of 2-3 minutes and a cordial “are you okay”.
MNG - I understand only too well the utter contempt and lack of respect my WW has towards me it has risen from her a couple of times and is in some respect quite predictable BUT no more. I now take her to one side and say “what you have just done I don’t appreciate especially in front of the kids, please don’t do it again plus its sooo unattractive”. As you can imagine these episodes are becoming very infrequent.
I think I’m getting confused when I say I feel this site is ACCEPTING the inevitable and working to galvanise us for the worst BUT the methods really do seem to me to push the WW away! The premise here is that we take no notice of the A and this has the best chance of RC IF we work on ourselves have no contact and move on without any interaction well guess what I’m doing all of this.
I feel the mantra I should adopt is “life goes on” and it does I see this and can tell all that as this thing carries on it is getting easier to cope with don’t get me wrong I L my W and I really do want to get to the point where RC will happen BUT I’m also not stupid enough to think not working on me and sitting this thing out will be the best practice. Being civil and having a pleasant demeanour towards her isn’t a crime it might smack cake eating but having read a lot on these boards what I mean by this is to show her the best me, a confident happy carefree individual getting on with his life knowing whatever happens life goes on.
Thanks as usual.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Mark, are you there? You said to bring on the 2*4s so I just did what I was told :-)
Thank you, guys, I appreciate it. I owe all of you so much because as I said I read here every day after BD and it was my personal daily support system!
2016, I honestly don't know about other programs, and I never looked at them. My H's ex-OW's H (now XH) who was also a friend told me about the MWD's site/books and it all made sense. I can say that if I had had this material (and the strength to follow through) at the time when he dropped his bomb on me, I don't think he would have left at all.
Mark, speaking of my H's ex-OW's XH (can I just call him my friend now?) like I said, he nailed DB. In some ways you remind me of him. He is highly intelligent, logical thinker who does all the research, a problem solver, and he can win any debate! I on the other hand am intuitive, emotional, and reactive (not only that, but hopefully I make my point). Well post-BD when our S's decided to run off with each other, we sort of went through this process together. I didn't post here, but relied on his frequent support and 2*4s. I would call him beside myself and he would tell me in his own words to not contact H, to focus on me and the kids, and guide me away from reacting on my emotions. Meanwhile he was out 180/GAL like the best of them.
He also took a very strategic approach to his DBing. When I read your posts and the way you have organized and listed your strategies, I know could have really benefited from some 2*4s from you! In fact, I would say you have it together more than a lot of posters when they first come here.
The reason I feel so inclined to post to you is not because I see that you are doing anything wrong, not at all! It is because I am seeing your logical brain take over the drivers seat and I am concerned you are not facing the emotional process. We have to also accept the painful reality and allow ourselves the many emotions that come with this betrayal (that part I totally nailed it). Do you have an IC to help you navigate the grief process? I think once you can do this, you can be much more successful at detaching, dropping the rope, and it will boost your confidence to realize you really are too good for this treatment!
Also, we all agree here that your only shot at her ever second guessing herself is when she sees that she has lost you ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Of course I’m in a weak position, she holds all the cards BUT this isn’t about me it’s about her
EPIC FAIL!!!!!!! Mark Mark Mark. You were doing so well! At least it seemed like it. Now you are right back to that same old pathetic, sad, weak position we tried to shake you out of months ago. You are right back to "outlasting limerence". THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT HER. It is all about YOU. Get out. Get a life. Let her go. Burn your purse and find your balls brother. Quit flopping yourself onto her porch to be the world's biggest doormat.
Quote:
all I can do is work on making me the best me I can. This I intend to do and then when that point in time comes and the effects of the A wears off a little I’m going to revert to doing everything I can to re-build our MR.
Yes to the first part. No to the second part. Quit waiting around. Move forward with your life. She'll never want to come back until she sees an awesome stud that DOESN'T CARE about whether she comes back or not.
Also, we all agree here that your only shot at her ever second guessing herself is when she sees that she has lost you ...
Blu,
The only thing I can't figure out, is that now that I'm in my post-apocalyptic DB mode, all of the manly-manliness that I created during DB doesn't seem to payoff. I belch manliness. I fart manliness. I strut when I walk, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
What I've been doing is this: I'll run up to I hot babe that I think I might like and I yell, "I'm done; it's over! I never want to see you again." And then I'll walk away. Not one of them has chased after me. None of them have even expressed any interest in me. What am I doing wrong? Should I try Old Spice products? I'm beside myself.
Just in case you think I'm one those creepy stalkers, I was working on my last post before you posted. For real. I'm not that creepy. Although I do like you a lot. But it's not what you think. Well, maybe just a little.
And now that I have bothered to read what the others have said, I offer a hearty "amen"! Especially to 25 and Blu, that's some awesome stuff!
Originally Posted By: doodler
Just in case you think I'm one those creepy stalkers, I was working on my last post before you posted. For real. I'm not that creepy. Although I do like you a lot. But it's not what you think. Well, maybe just a little.
It's OK brother, I'm used to it. You can't exude super studly stud pheromones without picking up some male interest along the way too
