AS.....just as the evidence mounts up of OM. I never knew 100%, always assumed the worst but as the sitch goes along and you start to realize it more I struggle with whether or not I can move past it. I guess as I continue to process that is causing me to struggle internally with whether to continue. I hope that makes sense.
Just a quick update......my W texts me on Monday wanting to pay for her cell phone bill and wanted to give me cash. I responded the next morning and told her to give me her debit card info and we would just set it up on auto-debit going forward. No response.
Now this morning she sends me a good morning text, hoping that i am not getting beat down too badly by having our girls today. Then she asks about getting her some medicine information since school is starting next week.
What happened to the cell phone bill convo? How did we go from ignoring that to a good morning text about our girls medicine?
Yeah, could be never gave her a reason not to trust me since I handled all of our finances but could be her way of being independant. Whatever, I guess she will figure it out. I shouldn't mind read
Truthfully I have no clue, she could have forgot, she didn't want me to have the info or she is not excited about it being set up on auto-debit going forward considering I paid for it during the summer when she had the kids.
This isn't really DB related, sometimes when people make an offer of money/favor that requires another step, they're hoping that you just say: "Don't worry about it."
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Can you elaborate more on your thoughts with kids? I find that it is harder to not be some what friends with the W since we have so many activities together with the kids. From a co-parenting standpoint and helping our kids get through it. Does that make sense? Any advice on how you can find the right balance? As you note above there are more opportunities to show your changes. Thanks!
Hey there! I saw you wrote this on another thread and I wanted to respond. I want to get caught up on your sitch because I do think it depends (to an extent) on the dynamic of the R with your W and also if she is WAW or WW. I think the basic rules apply to both, but I (just my opinion) think that if they are so blatantly disrespectful (as in Mark's wife who moved OM right into their home and bedroom) then firmer boundaries need to be put in place. I would love to see him take a much firmer approach with her and go as dark as possible, not remain a friend/support for her. I think right now she doesn't respect him and won't until he stands up to her.
So I don't know your specific sitch, but I'll read up on it when I have time. My thoughts on being "friends" or "somewhat friends" with a S that has just up and left you (especially if their is waywardness) is a big fat "no thank you!" I personally did not sign up to be friends with someone that can leave me, have an A, or think they can lead a different lifestyle yet continue to enjoy family time. I think that is ultimate cake eating and the more we LBS allow cake, the more we decrease the chances they will want to come back to us. By having a friendship and/or family time with the WAW/WW, you are sending the message that you don't value yourself enough to require more. You are letting them know that you are okay with them leaving you (cheating) and things will still go on as usual.
You will find if you read my posts that I take a very hard line (borderline bisch) approach. So you, and others, are welcome to reject my advice if that doesn't sit with you. No hard feelings at all :-) So since I am not caught up on your sitch, I'll tell you what went down in my sitch in regards to the kids/family time. I can somewhat see what worked for me and what didn't, but at the time I was on autopilot and my emotions and fears steered the way.
We have three kids and had always been very active in their activities and family time. My H dropped a giant bomb on me when he got caught having an EA (with kissing in the park) with a mutual friend. So I flipped out and kicked him to the curb, then I ping ponged between pursuing him, being emotional and needy, and then other times ignoring him and stonewalling him. During my times of need I allowed cake eating and family time in hopes that he would miss me. During times of stonewalling, I went as far as not allowing him at one of our Ds bday party. So I am like the classic example of what not to do. NONE OF THAT WORKED and I believe confused him and kept him away longer. Then I got it together, dropped the rope, and he came back.
Here is what I should have done and when I was able to do it, got the best results. By results I mean 1. felt better about myself, 2. created a healthier environment for everyone, including kids, 3. showed him what he was missing. I am not sure how much gender plays a role in this, but my H was very wayward, and also a guilt-ridden MNG that was trying desperately to make the best of the mess he had created.
So here is what I think would have worked better when co-parenting with the wayward:
- Don't allow cake eating--plain and simple--no friendship and no family time. They left that behind when they left. This is most important IMO! - Continue to follow the 37 rules and act in a friendly manor, but not as a friend. - I like the idea of treating them as a neighbor or coworker--cordial and respectful, but no interest or investment in a R with them. - Set up a schedule for the kids and communicate via email, so no emotions around it. - Stick to the shared custody agreement and take turns taking them to their activities and events. Yes, it is a bummer to miss things when the other parent has the kids, but that is a natural consequence of moving forward with D. - If/when you are at a kids' activity together, treat them as you would any other parent at the game--friendly, but mostly, detached. - Do not use kids or talking about kids as a way to get their attention or spend more time with them. - Set an example in front of kids of how respectful and mature adults behave. - If they do this or bring up R talk, listen and validate, and then let them know you are not comfortable talking about that right now. Exit. - It is perfectly okay for them to think you are moving on and not waiting or trying to be their friend. In in fact--STOP DOING THAT IF YOU ARE.
Okay, the beach is calling my name, I'll be back later! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
