So one of the soccer moms came up to me tonight and told me how good I looked and they didn't recognize me this year. I had not seen her since the spring when I had a beard, grey hair, etc. she told me that she commented to my wife the same last week. How about that ad a 180 for you!!
J9,
That's a great confidence builder for sure. However, I noticed your 180s are usually built around your physical appearance. Odds are your physical appearance is not the reason your wife fell out of love with you.
What 180s are you implementing regarding personal growth? better listener? Validating? Empathizing?
My W actually did tell me I got fat before she left and that turned her off so that is why I have placed more of an emphasis on my overall appearance. She also told me that she was tired of me sitting on the coach on my computer as well.
Below are some of things she said to me before she left. She never once complained about how I treated her, listened, etc. She said I am a good provider and new I would always take care of her and the kids.
In my readings I know I have nice guy traits, not all apply but my opportunities are to speak my mind/express my feelings more often, stand up for what I believe in and learn to say "no" to her more often. Also to get a life outside of the marriage.
1. You were a safe choice 2. You are content I am not 3. I know you will love me for the rest of my life and there are 95 reasons why I should want to be with you but something is missing. 4. She complained that I wore my socks and underwear to often without washing them. 5. I had anxiety issues and told me I should do something about it vs just continuing to accept it. 6. She complained about our dogs and wanted them gone. 7. She wanted hardwood floors and said I stopped doing projects around the house.
1 more LH....she also felt like I didn't challenge her to be a better person which could be tied to my own personal development with advancing the relationship or helping her grow as a person.
Thanks LH, I always thought that but could never confirm it. Not sure if EA or PA but whatever it is something has got in her head. So that is why I have always ensured that I am taking care of myself physically and staying active since that is what the majority of her complaints were about.
So I assume I am back to square one with waiting it out and letting it run it's course since we are already S or I get tired and file for D myself?
sorry, anxiety. I need to get better about answering questions. The anxiety comes from confrontation which I generally shy away from. Another NG trait.....I quit drinking coffee and that seems to have helped a lot with also getting into IC. I manage a large team at work and dealing with the personnel decsions stresses me out at times.
sorry, anxiety. I need to get better about answering questions. The anxiety comes from confrontation which I generally shy away from. Another NG trait.....I quit drinking coffee and that seems to have helped a lot with also getting into IC. I manage a large team at work and dealing with the personnel decsions stresses me out at times.
Same here. I don't have much anxiety about it, but I am bad at dealing with conflict and confrontation, and I do manage a team as well. This is what I am doing to get better in dealing with difficult conversations:
1. Always keep eye contact. 2. Never make it about the person. Stick to issues on tasks and processes. 3. Always keep my cool. 4. Practice what I might say because I know a difficult conversation is going to be needed. 5. Stick by my decisions, but communicate that I am open to being persuaded.
I have tried meditation once and I struggled with it. I wanted to try it again or maybe even some yoga. The gym I belong to offers free classes with my membership. I just need to pick a night and go in between lifting.
I thought about getting on some medication, not really a pill person but it would probably help.
I know I am early.....I assume since we are S it is either I take care of myself and wait it out or file for D myself?
Try guided meditation if you didn't. Insight Timer app (thanks for 25 and Leah for suggesting it) has some really good ones. It really helped me to "grasp" how to think about it. I had big preconceptions about meditation but after just two weeks or so, I swear by it and do it daily for 10-60 minutes. I can now "go inside my brain" without the guiding and automatically breath slower. A really good help for dealing with stress. And it really "builds up" with physical changes of altering the brains.
I FEEL the difference it makes. It seems to be a really strong way of reducing anxiety. It also seems to have the added benefit of motivation, at least for me. It sort of "trains my brain", hard to explain.
Add self pep talk with joyful actions (emotion is motion) as guided by Tony Robbins. Say stuff to yourself, don't just think. Also, find some time to just go through what you are grateful of and what are you going to succeed doing in the coming day. Really powerful tools.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
