Limerence and My Situation Pt3

[AnotherStander]

I remained aloof but was pushed to answer! I told her what I was doing (hiking the peak district) but didn’t deny or confirm that another person was involved also.

What do you mean you were "pushed to answer"? You know you don't answer to her anymore, right? She's in your house gallivanting around with OM, why in the world do you think you owe her a thing?? Just flat out tell her "what I do with my personal time is my business and I would appreciate it if you would quit asking as I do not feel comfortable discussing my private life with you." Period, end of story. You're still being too nice to her I think.

[25yearsmlc]

not to quibble with AS b/c his answer is fine.

I'd just shorten it to the last sentence and be all happy about it.

(You know, What's not to be happy about?)

If you are the prize, act like it. But not for her, b/c she's not competing for the prize now.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Just keep posting.

It would seem everything has settled down into some kind of normality, WW and I are basically no more now than two people who just happened to have children together her focus is totally on her needs and that of her AP/LO.
I am happier now than I have been since the BD, GAL’ing and realising this situation is totally controlled by her is helping me move forwards.

I’m beginning to understand there is little I can do to influence the outcome so why bother she’ll either stay in the fog or come out of it, I feel planning for the future (not years ahead but weeks) keeps my PMA up I can start to plan days out with the boys knowing I have them and then GAL’ing for myself when I don’t.

Totally dropping the rope is unfortunately not an option for me due to both needs to be a part of our children’s lives we must all realise the time we’re NOT with our children can never be given back and I don’t intend to be half a father allowing someone else influence their upbringing. I would love to totally separate from WW but the situation does not allow this as we need to DOPU kids every day and will always be a time where there is face-to-face.

Our interactions are now very much business like always civil and fleeting, this is becoming the norm and I’m slowly getting accustomed to this type of R a shame really after 12-years of us being each other’s BF. It never ceases to amaze me how a WW can so quickly see their BS as nothing more than a hindrance in their lives but this is classical phase 2 of the limerent process.

Anyway what’s working –?
1. Detachment – face-to-face can now be measured in minutes not hours per week.
2. NC – absolutely no contact from me and will be no contact from me unless in case of emergencies.
3. GAL – hiking the peak district last week was great, I forget the beauty UK has within its shores also challenging.
4. 180 – staying away from home overnight, NEVER did this when together (well once but that was a stag due) this is having a major impact in her thinking. WW feels there is now someone else in my life which is completely untrue I love my WW and MR and those vows I said still mean a great deal to me.
5. Exercise – great as an anti-depressant can’t state this enough.

I feel I’ve had a bit of an epiphany where I now realise that this is my life for the foreseeable future, I’ve been give the worst experience in my life by the same person who gave me the best and is something I have to live with but the time will be used to better myself and CONTINUE to fight for what’s right trying to RC and bring my family back together it’s just that now I can face the inevitable knowing I continue to do everything in my power to succeed but will be okay either way.

I will keep posting IF something interesting crops up and will also stalk the boards and comment if I feel I’m worthy.

Thanks.

Mark.

[joejoe1]

Mark,

I'm right there with you. We are in the same boat. With all the GALing I'm doing, my wife thinks there is another woman as well. I'm going to keep GALing and detaching hard. I will be in the best shape of my life. I will place doubt in her mind. I have been 180ing like crazy. I can't control the outcome, but I will control my outlook and she will see the best me ever.

And if your wife thinks there's another woman like mines, that mean they are taking notice, the things we are doing are having some impact.

[Tread]

Parkema,

The same person he gave us the best is now indeed treating us the worse. I highly agree with this. My W and I were best friends. And now I have lost both. It hurts, but this was based on her actions. She has become someone that I wouldn't take a second look at.

[AnotherStander]

I am happier now than I have been since the BD, GAL’ing and realising this situation is totally controlled by her is helping me move forwards.

Good, sounds like you are adjusting to your "new normal". I hated when the therapist would say that to me (that I needed to find my "new normal"), but with the benefit of hindsight I really understand the importance of it. It's human nature to fight change, we want the status quo. When we're slammed with BD we want to go back to "normal". But no matter whether we recon or not, the old normal is gone and we've got to find our "new normal".

I feel I’ve had a bit of an epiphany where I now realise that this is my life for the foreseeable future, I’ve been give the worst experience in my life by the same person who gave me the best and is something I have to live with but the time will be used to better myself and CONTINUE to fight for what’s right trying to RC and bring my family back together it’s just that now I can face the inevitable knowing I continue to do everything in my power to succeed but will be okay either way.

Awesome, that's a great attitude to have about it!

[Parkema]

Hello All,

As I said I’d post if something worth mentioning came up…

Last night in the UK we were having to deal with a minor storm ourselves with 70mph winds and such (I hope all those caught in the situation in Florida/Miami are okay) My youngest S8 is quite susceptible to these events and cried for his mum who basically stayed with him and comforted him until he went back to sleep. In the past he would have come and got between us both and I would have taken him back to bed when he fell back to sleep but now due to AP/LO he doesn’t do that and mum goes to him.

Today I found out about this through a phone call from WW, to cut a long story short it is my turn to have my boys tonight and the next 2 BUT WW insinuated she will keep S8 with her due to him being upset and “wanted his mum”, I basically suggested I could comfort S8 just has well as WW and feel she is again undermining me by not respecting my capabilities.

I stayed civil throughout and validated some points with her but stood my ground regarding being able to manage these situations when I have the boys just as well as she. I mentioned I understood that he may want his mum but in the long run this is detrimental to the R with all as I mentioned the need to keep things stable and that we are getting to a point where we (boys and I) are in a happy place after much upset and felt it wrong of her to upset that just because SHE feels it’s what S8 wants.

Your thoughts…

Mark.

[Btrow]

You did good, Mark. Her belittleing your skils as a parent should not be tolerated.

I get why SHE feels what is best for the kids, but it is a new world now. What Mark feels is equally important now. The kids has to learn to turn to daddy also, when they are scared or upset. Daddy also need to show the kids that he is capable of taking care of them during any type of situation. So just stand tall.

Not to go back hammering you based on your previous safe-friend-behavoir, but she needs to respect you (also as a parent). Start earning that respect.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Coming thick and fast!

Current situation – Been detaching much better, come to the point where I finally understand what’s going to happen is going to happen irrelevant of what I do.
Doing better at 180’s with me on occasions being away from home overnight, something unheard of unless we were all together doing it.

Last night WW came to see the boys as usual but this time earlier than normal, I was still busy making dinner for the boys and I so was not prepared to disappear as I would normally do. I remained in the kitchen whilst WW and the boys spent time together in the sitting room, I made the best of it and shut the doors so that they could carry on as if I wasn’t there.

Eventually WW came to me and asked about a future date where I again was staying away overnight and where there was a need for us to change the arrangements with the boys, me being me have a spreadsheet of all the days where WW and I have agreed custody with a printout stuck to one of the cupboard doors in the kitchen. WW referenced this and discussed the 4-nights she’s having away with AP/LO and that she “really doesn’t want to go” due to being away from the boys for so long. The talk then moved onto the following week which I’ve booked leave so that I can be with the boys on their mid-term break.

Again the last two days I have decided to GAL and do this overnight which sparked her interest in what I was doing and who with! “Is she nice?” “Will the boys like her?” These are the questions I faced, I basically said “I have nothing to tell you” but could see this is on her mind.

Once she knew she was going to get no information from me the conversation turned towards the predictable D talk, I again mentioned that I could not and would not stop her from filing but would not do this myself. I can’t remember how but I recall a comment she said AFTER this conversation where she said “I can’t go back to the MR after what I’ve done to you” I remained calm and confident and just evaded the comment knowing she was temperature checking me.

I know I shouldn’t but after she left I asked S10 about the situation at home and whether AP/LO was always there, he mentioned that he was there a lot but not all the time. I find this strange as the FM is open house to him and her to carry on their A but this is not forthcoming.

What I’ve come to realise through this is that even if we end up D there will still be these episodes to contend with as we’ll always have some sort of R due to the boys. I also realise that RC cannot be at all possible due to the circumstances of the A, basically a co-worker who she sees every day, her jobs is what she’s dreamed of and would never give it up so contact with him is guaranteed but at least this is aiding in me realising that my future lies elsewhere and makes acceptance of the fact all the more easier.

Mark.

[Btrow]

“I can’t go back to the MR after what I’ve done to you”

What a strange thing to say. How about "you'll never take me back after..." or "we can never recover from what I have done". It almost sounds as if she believe you would take her back with open arms.

So she only with him now because "she can't go back"? We will never understand the WW/WAW mindset, that's for sure.

Keep up the good work, you seem to be moving forward. I don't quite seem to get your visitation schedule though. Do the boys travel back and forth several times per week? And if so, are you both sure it is the best option for them? I get why she thinks she will miss them if she does not see them for 4 days, but you will get used to it. I don't see my kids for a full week, but after a couple of months it just becomes "normal".

The co-working situation. Don't worry about it. I'm sure that would be solved should the both of you want to R at some point. But keep living your life as if she'd never come back. That's the only way forward.