New to the journey and thank you.

[doodler]

...a reformed master-of-sarcasm...

That's an oxymoron, right? I didn't think sarcasmic masters could ever truly reform because that statement is probably sarcastic. It's a never-ending cycle you can never escape. AnotherStander, I'm calling you out. You're not reformed, you're just dormant for the time being. You don't have me fooled.

[EastTN]

Doodler, you've got him all wrong.

Reform (verb) - subject to a catalytic process in which straight-chain molecules are converted to branched forms for use in gasoline.

Obviously, AS was stating that he is such a master of sarcasm, that simply calling his sense of sarcasm "refined" wasn't a strong enough statement. While mere mortals such as you and I can play at sarcasm, AS has himself undergone a process, which has reformed his entire sense of humor to the point that the rest of us can barely hope to keep up.

[doodler]

EastTN,

I'm crying tears of joy and I'm humbled beyond words.

[AnotherStander]

...a reformed master-of-sarcasm...

That's an oxymoron, right? I didn't think sarcasmic masters could ever truly reform because that statement is probably sarcastic. It's a never-ending cycle you can never escape. AnotherStander, I'm calling you out. You're not reformed, you're just dormant for the time being. You don't have me fooled.

Damn you guys, you know me better than my own blowup sex doll! Oh if she could talk, mmmmm. But I digress. What were we talking about?

Reform (verb) - subject to a catalytic process in which straight-chain molecules are converted to branched forms for use in gasoline.

Obviously, AS was stating that he is such a master of sarcasm, that simply calling his sense of sarcasm "refined" wasn't a strong enough statement. While mere mortals such as you and I can play at sarcasm, AS has himself undergone a process, which has reformed his entire sense of humor to the point that the rest of us can barely hope to keep up.

I like that. Especially the "refined" part, it lends me an air of dignity and respect that I absolutely do not deserve or resemble. Thank you, I'm copy/ pasting that now into my resume'!

[Kylo]

Treasur. OK, you win on the fastest divorce in history as measured by the words spoken about it.

Thanks for the advice. I like the idea of a new relationship. In one of the 2 discussions we had after she stated her intentions, I mentioned this to her, and she seemed to like the idea, but no movement of course.

I'm going to approach separating the money again. When I approached her about a budget, she flipped out and said I better "lawyer up". Since I'm trying to keep this to mediation at most, I backed off. Later she acted like she didn't say it, then started moping about the budget.

For the practical stuff: She planned on finishing her degree and enrolled in a summer school course. It was too much work, so she dropped it. A quick end to a grand plan. I think she said something about not going back to school at all anymore.

I think she wants a job, but hasn't started to look. Now that school has started, hopefully that will change. If she gets a job that pays enough she can move out. I found one for her, but she wasn't ready for it. She used to claim she needed a degree for a good job, now she is getting picky, but doesn't have a degree. She has volunteered at school for two positions that take up a ton of time that will become an excuse to not get a job. She doesn't think she can just leave her positions (although people leave them for jobs all the time) probably because of guilt. She now claims these positions are more important than what happens in our house. I'm pretty sure this outlandish claim was made so she can be "right" and avoid guilt. (when I lay this out in black and white, I wonder what the hell I'm doing?)

As for an affair, I doubt it, but I'm not an idiot. Previously, she said "when would I have time?" which seems true. She also made a comment about being without a guy for awhile (she has had a boyfriend of some sort since 7th grade. One of them for 7 years through HS and college). However she does go out a decent amount.

She is seeing a counselor 1xweek, the one who supposedly told her to get a divorce. I have no idea what he is telling her, or what she is telling him.

[Kylo]

Stander, I knew it was a mistake when I said it, but I just didn't care. I'm getting so fed up with her stuff, I just let it fly. In my defense, we never talk, so when anything other than talking about what the kids did comes up, I'm caught off guard.

I think I'm going to have a hard time sticking it out. Now that the "high" of figuring out what happened is wearing off, I'm having a hard time putting up with her. I am not a fan of being lead by your emotions vs. being lead by your head. Her mental weakness is really f'ing over this family.

[Kylo]

New question/observation: I don't think I miss her. I think I don't like the rejection. She does not talk to me. She does not look at me. It really is amazing. Of all the places we/she could have used some discipline, this is where it shows up.

Earlier I kept thinking: "I just want her to be nice to me", and when she was I was happy. Right before the BD, unbeknownst to me, she tried really hard to be nice and happy as a way to feel better. For those two weeks I was on top of the world. I felt like my life was perfect.

I'm sure this says something about my issues. Maybe I'm at the point where I should pass the time with a counselor.

[RR17]

Kylo it is common and natural for LBS to suspect MLC.

As I read through your thread she sounds like every other WAW/WW. They are all crazy, selfish strangers looking to get offended. Anger fuels their dissension.

They run hot and cold, IMO, the hot is to check your temp and the cold is to fuel dissension.

I wouldn't rule out an A unless you are just sure. If this is the case you will need to take a stronger hand.

Playing along is exhausting and very hard to maintain.

Given her history, I would take a look at what attracted you to her in the first place. For your own growth. I too am a Fixer. It's not healthy and doesn't work in the long run. Something to think about.

Hang in there.

[Kylo]

I reread the parts on WW and MLC just to be sure I'm not shooting from the hip. The MLC just rings true. She checks all the boxes. I think there is a WW aspect to it since we weren't getting along well for an appreciable amount of time and from her point of view I was the cause of the problems.

She runs ice cold to cold. We rarely talk, and when we do it's about kids or family business. I read other people's stories here and they're having interactions and conversations that we just don't have.

As for an A, it doesn't really change the DB approach. In the past I thought an A might not bother me so much. I envisioned her being out one night drunk and messing around a little and that's it. At this point though, I know an A would likely be much more than that. I can't really tell how much it would bother me.

I know she didn't have anything to do with her grandparent's suicide, which probably screwed up her narcissistic mother, which resulted in two divorces, which led to her BPD, which rolled out a red carpet for her MLC, which puts her in a prime spot for an A. But at some point you have to be responsible for your actions. I could lay out events that would make someone say: "No wonder he had an affair" (not on par with her sad experiences of course), but I didn't do it.

[Kylo]

I've read a little about the nice guy/fixer mentality. My other long-term girlfriend had fixer aspects and ended up in a crazy mess. As for what attracted me to both of them, I think this played a role. There were many other reasons too, or maybe I should say two.
They had good hearts and treated my incredibly, (of course the W changed). Beautiful. They were both laid back, no bs (I'm repulsed by fake), and very much able to just come along and party with the rest of us. Now that I have read more about BPD, they may have been so great in the beginning as part of the pulling me in stage.