I absolutely love this post!!! So much truth to it and the dynamics of people in general.
Heres my question. If partner X can only respect ones boundaries when that person is less invested in the relationship, what does that say about partner x? Is that the type of partner and relationship partner y really wants?
Lets say that youre partner left, and then came back because you won the lottery, lost weight, discovered the fountain of youth...would you take that partner back? Dont ee want people we dont have to play these distancer/pursuer games with?
I have been thinking a lot lately about fair weather partners.
Sorry you are still struggling with W. I'm sure it's making you crazy.
Cadence offers some excellent advice in my opinion. I think if you can detach from obsessing about W and when she changed her password etc, you will feel a little lighter. It really does take practice though.
It seems like you are stuck in a cycle, some things have to change in order for something to change ya know? I think the change has to start with you, because your W doesn't seem too concerned at the moment.
Heres my question. If partner X can only respect ones boundaries when that person is less invested in the relationship, what does that say about partner x? Is that the type of partner and relationship partner y really wants?
I don't know Juju. I've heard that the strongest marriages are amongst those who aren't afraid to divorce.
I don't think it's a matter of lower investment/fair weather partners necessarily; I think it's recognition of being whole without the relationship/marriage. And so a one-up can choose to stay in a relationship that makes them happy, and work to improve it, but they're also not afraid to leave if there's no hope.
The certainty of "I'll be okay" is what gives the one-up the, er, one-up. They're still GAL while in the relationship.
The one-down might be afraid to lose the relationship, because they've not been GAL, or maybe they have some self-worth issues that make them feel they won't be whole without their partner.
Does that make sense?
Quote:
Lets say that youre partner left, and then came back because you won the lottery, lost weight, discovered the fountain of youth...would you take that partner back? Dont ee want people we dont have to play these distancer/pursuer games with?
I'd hope the time away from the partner was filled with GAL and rediscovery of self, and skepticism about the partner's intentions! If it were me, I'd want to see my ex working over time to show me that I could trust him again.
As for playing games, the premise of the book isn't that togetherness is constant game-playing. The power shifts happen subconsciously/naturally, and it's important for it to be centered as much as possible because the two persons are committed to the R/M but also to themselves.
Hi NYG, I remember that horrible feeling of XH being in touch with OW. They also worked together at the time. And he also changed the password on his work phone. For me that was the worst time and things really improved once we S and I did not have to see and get hurt by that stuff.
I'm not suggesting you S, but your situation sounds miserable at the moment and I'm so sorry that is the case. I see you trying to control what your W does. And I also see you in a somewhat parental role. She must tell me if she does X or Y. I can understand where you are coming from, but it makes for a dreadful dynamic on an ongoing basis I think.
From now on, I would work on the basis of - I only get to control me - no-one else. I'm not even going to try. So, if my W chooses to change her PW and be in touch with OW, I'm going to do what I need to do - not try and control her. Just let her know what does and doesn't work for me. Does it work for you to be in a R with someone who isn't doing the minimums to help you guys heal following her infidelity?
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you have been posting in the same vein for a good while now and I worry that you are stuck or scared or both. I hope you will reclaim your personal power and do what you need to do to look after yourself in this situation.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Cadence, The book you describe sounds interesting. I think we are allowed to post titles as long as the book is not in competition with Divorce Busters, but not sure.
I am in complete agreement, that the less invested spouse has the power. I am also in agreement that the more invested spouse needs to invest more in themselves so that perhaps that scale can be shifted to a more equal dynamic. I also agree that it puts one in a much better position to evaluate their current situation and whether their partners actions are something they can live with on a daily basis.
That detachment seems to be part of the piecing that some other posters like LIM and Bluewave are experiencing. And NYGAL, it does kind of seem like you are still in a place that does not sit well with you. A place in which you are desperately pursuing and trying to get your wife to respect your boundaries. But she is not.
I really, really feel for anyone living that situation daily. Its damaging to the soul to constantly second guess your partners faithfulness.
That being said, I want to be part of a relationship where i would still be guaranteed commitment, honesty, and loyalty if I went through a needy phase. I do not want the type of person that can only see value in the unobtainable or hard to get. Once married, I would want someone that is committed through it all.
I too feel for you NYG and I lived in that situation for a number of months. I was MISERABLE!! And it was the worst time of our situation. I'm so glad not to have that kind of stuff in my life now.
I don't think early reconciliations like yours are a blessing. When we talk about the gift of time, a big factor is the growth of the LBS. If the WAS comes back at an earlyish stage, we are frankly desperate just to get things back on track and hold on to the relationship. I read that in your posts, and I don't think you have managed to address your own codependent ways (we are all codependent to an extent when we arrive here.)
What I would really like you to think about is what you are doing and not what your W is doing. She's an individual, with free will and she is doing whatever she will - that's up to her. You just happen to be in a R with her. But you also have free will and choices right?
I want to you understand that your own peace of mind, health and wellbeing are much more important than any R you may happen to be in okay? At the moment, you are snooping (which I understand in the short term, but is corrosive in the longer term) and you are finding things that upset you. Then you appear unable to look after yourself in that situation and put healthy boundaries in place.
So, what are your choices? Let go of the snooping? Separate? Detach from what she is doing? At the moment, you are choosing to stay in the R. You could choose to leave tomorrow if you so wish. You are choosing to snoop and you could close down your snooping channels and give yourself some peace. You could tell your W that this current situation simply isn't working for you and start looking for a place. Whatever she may or may not be doing, you have options and choices, and this is where I hope you can focus.
I hope for more peace and happiness in your life going forward. I would love to see you thrive in whatever situation you choose to be in.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My reconciliation with my W seemed fake because she was still working with OM. About a year later he got promoted and would be my W's daily supervisor. I knew I was done. She knew I could barely tolerate them in the same building, let alone being her new boss. I was done, NYG. I mean, DONE. I contacted a lawyer (W didn't know) and I was discussing my options.
That same day, W came home early, she had resigned immediately. The anxiety and fear disappeared. The weight was off my chest. It was truly done. We're still recovering from that year, but as long as there's no contact, I'm ok.
She had visited her old place last month and this set us back, and we're working through that setback. She didn't go to see OM, she told me she made sure he wasn't there, she missed her old work buddies, apologized to me, admitted it was a mistake. Said she will not go there again. I believe her.
I'm a firm believer that spouses cannot continue to work with APs. It just can't work.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Checking back in. Two years later. We're making it. It takes time, but we're making it. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
