I believe I have given up, the woman I used to know as my beautiful, loving, caring, passionate,nice and a great mother to my children has been replaced by this cold hearted,lying cheater that seems as if she doesn't want me or her children anymore. She has even had heated exchanges with S17 over small issues to the point she has told him to F off! I had to step in to calm the situation, I have never seen her in this light, very disappointing. She continues her EA with the original guy for about 5 months now, he is actually guiding her through this divorce process and giving her advice as to what she should do because she can't do anything on her own.
I am also dealing with her supportive friends that are telling her that she is making the correct decision and stoking her ego, her BFF has now set her up with another guy that my WW went on a date with, not sure if they did anything other than have a few drinks but I don't care what she does at this point. The only thing she does that I care about is how does this affect my children? My kids are lost, looking for guidance and that is where I come in. My relationship with my children is the strongest it has ever been because of this, their faces give me the strength to be the best I can for them while their mom pushes away.
I continue to improve myself, it has been noticed by everyone that know's me and even some other woman that I come in contact with, this has done wonders for my self confidence! I know I will be fine regardless of what my next chapter will be, fairley certain it won't be with WW. Every exchange that I have with her she continues to place all the blame on me that if I do this it will hurt the kids and if I do that it will hurt the kids, blah blah blah! I never hear her say what she is doing will hurt the kids because she believes she has done nothing wrong. I have come to grips with my portion of our problems, I have busted my ass to correct my faults, this will make me a better person for not only myself but my kids moving forward. This is a tough battle but I am more than prepared for the fight!
Last edited by Cadet; 08/16/1707:14 AM. Reason: Link
WW and barely talked over the last 4 days and I didn't miss it one bit. I kept busy doing stuff I wanted to do, the kids knew what I was up to, just didn't tell her. S17 and I went to dinner Friday as WW had D11 and S13 was with friends, S17 opened up a bit and told me how angry he is towards his mom for doing this to me and the family, said he doesn't want to stay with her and he told me that he has the other two on his side. I told him he is old enough to make up his own mind but he shouldn't shut his mom out. If they find out what she has done and is doing it could get ugly for her. Sunday she left for church but didn't tell me or the kids, I took S13 and D somewhere for a couple hours, got an angry text from WW wanting to know where we are. She says I didn't leave a note as to my whereabouts, it's funny how the rules are one sided. On another note, not sure if this is right or wrong but a divorcing mom from one our my kids sports teams and I have been trading messages that get flirty from time to time and easily could go further. My question, is this OK to do?? We actually have fun bantering back and forth but we both agree to that our kids are #1. I really miss the interaction with a female human being and feel this is harmless fun that out of respect for my former wife I would have never engage in, what says the experts here???
WW and barely talked over the last 4 days and I didn't miss it one bit. I kept busy doing stuff I wanted to do, the kids knew what I was up to, just didn't tell her. S17 and I went to dinner Friday as WW had D11 and S13 was with friends, S17 opened up a bit and told me how angry he is towards his mom for doing this to me and the family, said he doesn't want to stay with her and he told me that he has the other two on his side. I told him he is old enough to make up his own mind but he shouldn't shut his mom out. If they find out what she has done and is doing it could get ugly for her. Sunday she left for church but didn't tell me or the kids, I took S13 and D somewhere for a couple hours, got an angry text from WW wanting to know where we are. She says I didn't leave a note as to my whereabouts, it's funny how the rules are one sided. On another note, not sure if this is right or wrong but a divorcing mom from one our my kids sports teams and I have been trading messages that get flirty from time to time and easily could go further. My question, is this OK to do?? We actually have fun bantering back and forth but we both agree to that our kids are #1. I really miss the interaction with a female human being and feel this is harmless fun that out of respect for my former wife I would have never engage in, what says the experts here???
Getting your mojo back. That's good. You're moving on. You're much better than a cheater. Sure your WW could get back on the team but not on her terms, on yours. You're doing great. Be strong and firm. When she comes back begging at some point, and they always do, then it's your decision, not hers, if your R continues. Good job my man. You're doing great.
99.999% Over her right now, I could see where playing the jealousy card could do that but it's not my intention one bit. I didn't go looking for this, it has just kind of happened. My WW had talked to this other mom on the team and because my WW feels compelled to tell everyone she comes in contact with her that she is getting divorced because we drifted apart and I'm a bad husband I felt compelled to set the record straight. I am tired of getting blamed for our situation. So this mom and I started talking two weeks ago and I really enjoy her conversation and friendship. Not sure how this will play out but I need to keep it clean until it's my M is over. I need to make sure I remain the faithful one in this mess.
Then I give you 1 vote to enjoy yourself! Nothing is better than female companionship and maybe, just maybe it will get back to your W and she engages. Then the choice is yours my friend.
I vote to keep flirting and see where things go. Clearly she is aware of your sitch, so dishonesty won't be an issue. Of you decide not to go any further you both could decide to wait until you're legally single.
So this mom and I started talking two weeks ago and I really enjoy her conversation and friendship. Not sure how this will play out but I need to keep it clean until it's my M is over. I need to make sure I remain the faithful one in this mess.
Just a word of warning here: I felt pretty much identical to the way you do, and I ended up having that conversation and friendship turn into something more WAY faster than I thought possible. Life happens, be prepared for it.
99.999% Over her right now, I could see where playing the jealousy card could do that but it's not my intention one bit. I didn't go looking for this, it has just kind of happened. My WW had talked to this other mom on the team and because my WW feels compelled to tell everyone she comes in contact with her that she is getting divorced because we drifted apart and I'm a bad husband I felt compelled to set the record straight. I am tired of getting blamed for our situation. So this mom and I started talking two weeks ago and I really enjoy her conversation and friendship. Not sure how this will play out but I need to keep it clean until it's my M is over. I need to make sure I remain the faithful one in this mess.
If you enjoy her company then spend time with her. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're retaking control over your life and your situation. If you like talking with this woman and she enjoys spending time with you then so be it. You don't answer to anyone but yourself.
Thanks all for the vote of confidence, really do appreciate that! I actually had a beer with the mom the other night, talked about a bunch of stuff, mostly about our situation's as she is in the same boat as all of us here. I'm fairly confident this could have escalated into something more if I would let it but.... don't think I am emotionally ready for anything other than talking. Later that night while lying in bed we continued messaging, more flirting but mostly harmless, when we ended the conversation I felt bad, almost like I was doing something wrong. Apparently I have a conscious, guess this will take some time to build the emotional strength to move on with another woman. Back to GAL!! My kids, have I said how much I love my children! They are my strength, my comfort, a shoulder to lean on when I'm down. They are hurting on the inside that my WW doesn't see, I have learned that my S17 who has anger issues dating back a long time has now started drinking! The other day when I woke up I noticed that a new 1/5 of whiskey was almost gone, my WW thought I drank it, I thought she drank it and then my S17 said he did???? WTF! So now my kid is turning to the bottle because of what my wife has done!! Yes I blame her! For all her supportive friends telling her the kids will be fine, they're resilient, I want to punch everyone in the face! My kids are hurting and need my wife and I more than ever, she's not there, so this is all on me! I will not fail!
Oh God, dusty, I'm sorry to hear about S17. Has he been to an IC?
I too struggle with blaming my W. And I cringe when I hear people say the kids will be fine. This is something my kids will probably struggle with the rest of their lives, and will give them their own neuroses and R issues.
Remember that you're allowed to be imperfect. You're not a machine.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I despise when people say the kids will be fine. Especially when those kids or teenagers who are dealing with enough stufff. These people tend to be as selfishness the WS. This is why I plan on getting S13 in counseling next week. But I still need to give the bad news within the next day or two.what does your W have to say about this?
holding, One of my children has been to IC and the other two I believe go next week, all of them want to go. They have told me individually that since WW and I never showed any signs of problems that they don't understand why we are getting divorced, even though my S17 kind of eluded to the fact he thought mom cheated on me without saying it. Just like DB is not a one size fits all niether is how children are affected with divorce IMO. How can these people say the kids will be fine when none of them know my children and how close WW and I are to them. I'm sure all of them will help pay the therapy bills! lol
Originally Posted By: Tread
I despise when people say the kids will be fine. Especially when those kids or teenagers who are dealing with enough stufff. These people tend to be as selfishness the WS. This is why I plan on getting S13 in counseling next week. But I still need to give the bad news within the next day or two.what does your W have to say about this?
Tread, My S17 will be a senior this year, he is lost more than ever! He has struggled with ADHD and depression and he has an addictive personality so I really need to be the "lighthouse" for him, he is looking for guidance that I need to do on my own now! I would say to get the counseling for your s13, the kids will tend to open up to a doctor more than mom and dad because I beleive they are blaming mom or dad for the hurt and won't necessarily talk to me. Good luck with your discussion, the absolute worst thing I have done in my life! Praying for you and your son!!
Originally Posted By: Tread
what does your W have to say about this?
I assume you mean the drinking, if so she really came across as it wasn't that big of a deal, she even said " I had some drinks when I was in high school" When she said that I just backed off because no matter what I said she wasn't on my side. I did send her a text the next day telling her that we need to nip this in the bud, I told her that she is not to buy any more alcohol! I do not want it in the house, if she needs a drink go to the bar!.
Little update, have been off my thread for a bit, just reading up on everyone else, getting some pointers on how to deal with my sitch.
The affects of my WW's actions are starting to affect on my children! S17 has shown severe anger issues since the start of all this in March, we thought we kept it from him but I learned he was on to what was going on all along. Made him even more angry resulting in multiple fights in the sport he plays, some fairly violent! Just learned he was removed from the team because of this. There have been other issues but don't want to get in to it, you get the jist. He is supposed to go to therapy tomorrow but is refusing, WW wants to threaten him by taking some luxuries away(ie... phone, car, girlfriend) if he doesn't go. I validated her by saying" I understand how you feel about S17 going to therapy but if we threaten him by taking these things away it will just make him resent you even more." He has told her he hates her! She responded by basically saying he's angry because of me! Haven't heard from her since. The reason she is adamant about him going is because she doesn't have the ability to play the bad the guy and lay down the law with him, so have someone else do it is her motto! I will try but if he doesn't want to go there is not much I can do right now. He's 17, and he dislikes his parents right now for screwing his life up, he doesn't want to listen to anything we say. I feel terrible for him as all of this is a cry for help!
I'm sorry to hear about S17. My wife have been getting the same advice, that the kids will be fine as a way to ensure herself, what she is doing is the right choice. It's sad that in today's day and age we have came to a point where fighting is almost not a resolution anymore. People are telling her she needs to be happy. But I hope you can help your son get back on track throughout all of this.
Joejoe1
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Dusty, I'm sorry to hear about your continued struggles with S17. It's sad that our kids will have to suffer the consequences of our W's actions. The whole D thing really messes up kids. My S10 told me some heartbreaking things the other night that I should probably post in my thread.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dusty, really sorry to hear about S17's issues. Definitely get him into C, he needs to go whether he wants to or not. I doubt all of his anger issues are coming from your sitch, but it makes a convenient excuse for him to deflect blame to W and probably to you as well. And it sounds like you're assigning some blame too. My brother had an angel of a daughter who suddenly turned into demon spawn starting in the 16-17 age range. It was a dramatic shift- drinking, drugs, failing in school, lashing out in violent ways. They finally convinced her to join the Navy hoping it would give her some focus (she just completed boot camp). Time will tell. Anyway my point is your S is at that rebellious age and he will blame everyone and everything EXCEPT himself for it. A C can help him sort through his rage issues and help him understand that he is responsible for his own behavior.
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He is supposed to go to therapy tomorrow but is refusing, WW wants to threaten him by taking some luxuries away(ie... phone, car, girlfriend) if he doesn't go. I validated her by saying" I understand how you feel about S17 going to therapy but if we threaten him by taking these things away it will just make him resent you even more."
I think your W is in the right on this. Keep in mind that he is 17 and still under your roof and needs some discipline in his life. He MUST go to therapy, and if he refuses then there should be serious ramifications to that. Part of teen rebellion is that it is a cry for help. They sulk and they act out and when you try and reach out they get angry. But inside they WANT you to reign them in. They want to know they are loved and that you care enough to make tough decisions for them. By the way, validation is not saying "I understand BUT..." That is in fact the opposite of validation.
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He has told her he hates her! She responded by basically saying he's angry because of me! Haven't heard from her since.
It doesn't matter. This isn't about blaming. It's about getting him the help he needs.
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The reason she is adamant about him going is because she doesn't have the ability to play the bad the guy and lay down the law with him, so have someone else do it is her motto!
IT DOESN'T MATTER. Stop the mind-reading and such. HE NEEDS THIS.
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I will try but if he doesn't want to go there is not much I can do right now.
And if he commits suicide, what then Dusty? Would you still say "oh well there was nothing I could do" or would you say "why didn't I do more?" I am sorry to say that but you need to know this is potentially SERIOUS. You need to get him help.
Thank you!!!! This is why I came to this site to begin with, I need to write down the mess that is floating in my head and have people like you set me straight. Once I read your comments to my idiotic thought process it all made a bunch more sense, I just wish I could come to this conclusion on my own. Still learning I guess.
To update what happened, I talked to my son and without threatening to take stuff away I convinced him that going to IC would be really good for him and he agreed he could use some help. The only problem is my WW gave up and cancelled the appointment. We will reschedule hopefully for next week. S13 is going today. I am praying this will help my children as they are hurting. Thank you again! I really do appreciate your help.
Don't let WW do that in the future. Make the appointments yourself if you have to, leave her out of it. You got S17 to see reason, got him psyched up for going... and she pulled the rug out and now he has to stew for another week about it. That's not helpful.
She made the appointments during the day and with the amount of time I have already missed from work I couldn't make them. Before all this mess this wouldn't have been a problem, she would have done the same thing but it's different now. She is carrying on like nothing has changed as far as the kids are concerned. I will admit I need to do a better job of interacting with her but currently there is ZERO communication between us. I am more than willing to talk with her, I am upbeat in and around the house, with my kids and friends and family. She does not give off any signal that I am in her life right now. I am giving her as much space as she needs and wants.
Just read through your whole thread and learned a lot. W has been wanting D for a while but is now at the stage she wants to tell the kids. She too thinks the kids will be fine. Kids know things aren't right between us but it will still be a nuclear explosion in their lives as we have been married for 20+ years and it appeared to all that we had a great m. I see you didn't take the advice of leaving it at "mom and dad decided"...but clearly let the kids and all know this is W's decision. I am struggling over how to handle this conversation. Great job at detaching (I am a slow learner) and GAL. How can you improve communication just about the kids? Even if you speak of nothing else, it's important that this happens. Re her housing proposal, good job at standing your ground. Re s17 drinking and fighting, this may have happened even without D and certainly exacerbates it, but don't blame your w for all of it.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks for taking the time to read my stuff, I will take the time you read all of your threads(there's a lot of them!)
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Dusty,
W has been wanting D for a while but is now at the stage she wants to tell the kids. She too thinks the kids will be fine. Kids know things aren't right between us but it will still be a nuclear explosion in their lives as we have been married for 20+ years and it appeared to all that we had a great m.
My WW had friends and her EA tell her the kids would be fine, they're resilient! My wife and I never fought,argued,or raised our voices since we were together. My kids don't understand why we are getting divorced if we never fought. They are starting to ask questions. Maybe the IC will get that out of them.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
I see you didn't take the advice of leaving it at "mom and dad decided"...but clearly let the kids and all know this is W's decision. I am struggling over how to handle this conversation.
I know people on here advised me against doing that but... I read the MWD article that Christy sent me and took the advice from my IC and decided that was the path I wanted to take. Because "mom and dad" didn't decide, it was all her. I havn't mentioned it since that day, so it's not like I keep hammering the point home with them. If you are struggling with how to tell your children I would consult with a therapist, get the MWD Huff Post article, you need all the help and advice you can get because it was the toughest thing I have ever done in my life!
Originally Posted By: Gordie
How can you improve communication just about the kids? Even if you speak of nothing else, it's important that this happens.
Communication is a problem, I need to do a better job of this but she is non-commutative right now. She literally spends the entire day on her phone talking to whoever, she has been off all summer(education), the house is a mess, she basically quit grocery shopping, the kids can't get her attention. I will have a discussion with her again how all decisions regarding the house, finances, and especially the kids have to be communicated between us. The co-owning the home thing is just not a good deal for me fincially and emotionally, I can't detach from her if we owned this home together. Detaching and GAL has been much easier since we did tell the kids
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Re s17 drinking and fighting, this may have happened even without D and certainly exacerbates it, but don't blame your w for all of it.
I don't necessarily blame my W for it, my s17 told me that he knew we had a problem months ago and that made him angry, more so than normal. I understand his age has a lot to do with it(the fighting) but it's not like he was looking for it, he was defending teammates in every situation, that's sort of the roll he has on his team. The drinking is alarming but again he's 17, I get it. I just don't want him drinking behind our backs and for him to turn to that if he's feeling depressed or angry at the sitch or whatever. He has an addictive behavior that I don't want this to be how he handles it.
By the way, I think you're doing great. I think you were a quicker study than me on these d b principles. Re s17, I have a kid with similar issues and the only advice is that he needs you more than ever now that your w is clearly focused on herself. Love him and keep the door of communication open. Let him know that you love him and don't judge him and will always be there for him, no matter what.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
A little update, haven't been posting much about my sitch as there is nothing major going on. I have been reading a bunch on everybody's post to get some pointers though. I had a GREAT holiday weekend with my kids!! Actually went 3 days without much thought of W let alone not even talking or any texts. Was surrounded by very supportive family that help keep my mind off basically everything! My kids had a great time which is really the most important part. When we got home my great weekend came to a crashing halt as I saw my W! The real tough part of all of this is she still lives in the home! I know it's not the best situation but that's what I have, I will need to deal with it for now.
We have a few people interested in buying our home by owner which will put a bunch more money in my pocket so I can buy a nicer house moving forward and hopefully in my kids school district. Not sure what W is doing for housing but I don't care anymore! W still doesn't communicate with me one bit! I am available to talk and will if she initiates but nothing at this stage, and she is still thinking very selfishly especially with the kids. She will be going out with friends this weekend while missing our S13 first games of the season. This normally would have been ok but with what's going on I feel she should be there to support whatever or kids are doing. That's what I will do regardless if I have them with me or not! I always made every effort to not miss one event of my kids.
We had to attend a mandatory(court ordered) co parenting class and how divorce effects the kids, I was OK during the video but one child in the video had mentioned that he hated mommy when she got a new boyfriend while mommy and daddy were still married, I looked at my W and she was balling her eyes out! First sign of emotion from her in 6 months! My S13 and I were talking and he told me how mad he is at mom because she is the only one in the house that seems happy that we are getting divorced, he said he will never forget her for divorcing me!! That's for her to deal with not me. My kids are in the swing of the school schedule and seem to be doing OK for the most part, my s17 still spends most of his time not at the house because he said he hates the atomosphere when we are both there. My d11 seems to have taken on the roll of the peacemaker, she is just trying to make sure we are both happy and in good spirits, but she does hang with me a bunch more! My kids are still gravitating towards me because I take the time for them! W has checked out and they see it!
I am still talking with the mom on my kids team, actually going very well! we pretty much talk every day about whatever and most of the time gets a bit racy! I'm sure if we both pushed the issue we could easily take it to another level, just not sure I am ready for that! We'll see what happens as we will all be at a hotel for a tournament in a couple weeks and she had mentioned a few times that she will have the room all by herself. Not looking for it but not opposed at this point!
I have a couple questions to ask the experts on here. First is WW's birthday is next week, how do I handle this? I will treat it as any other day, I will not be acknowledge her birthday at this point. Do I take the kids shopping to get her something from them? What should I do here??
Second question, I know that I shouldn't care what she is doing but I have reason to believe she now has a local guy that she may be seeing. Do I even care about this? Do I confront or just let it go and keep on living my life? I really don't care but if she is then my first thought is to confront and tell her it's time to move out! I do not want this around my children! I can't 100% confirm this but my gut feeling has been spot on all this time and I get that feeling with this. Please help, need some sound/sane advice here.
Dusty, on the birthday, do your kids usually buy gifts for your WW? I mean, back in the day for my STBXW's B-day, I'd usually go out and buy all the gifts, and some would be from "me" while others were from "the kids". So here's something to think about - if you are no longer in the picture in the future, who will take your kids to buy their mom a present?
On the OM, unless you have some proof, I'm not sure you should do anything. Even if you do confront her, there's still no guarantee she'll actually move out.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I haven't been posting much as I feel that I have a pretty good grasp on my life and situation. I still do have some ups and downs but my good days heavily outweigh the bad. I had a great weekend with my s13 and he played his first tournament of the year unfortunately losing in the championship game, my boy had an awesome weekend, so proud of him. The down part of the weekend was learning that STBXW ditched my d11 to a friends house to go out for the night, again not putting the kids first! This really disappointed me not for what she was doing but I could have brought my d11 with me if I knew that was going to happen.
For the first time in 25 years I didn't go shopping for my wife on her birthday, I did struggle with this but in the end I caved a little and gave my S17 and D11 money to go shopping to get something for her, I never mentioned the birthday at all to her.
On the home, I believe I have come up with a plan to keep the house on my own at least till the end of the school year and then sell it to hopefully stabilize my children especially my s17 as he is a senior in high school, very important year for him as he prepares for college. If I keep the house I have a buyer lined up for early summer next year by owner so I'm due to make out financially. Doing this would leave STBXF no money for a down payment to get her own place, not my concern!
I mentioned in a previous post about a woman I met from my s13 sports team, while we were at the hotel this past weekend our conversations became very flirtatious to the point she invited me to her room, as much as I wanted to I couldn't do it! All I kept saying was that I am still married and at the end of the day I feel that I would let someone down, not sure who maybe me, maybe my kids, God?? I don't know. In some ways if I did I wouldn't be any better than what my wife did to me. I do know that I don't regret any decisions I have made, I can live with myself!
I do have an awesome GAL planned for this weekend, I was offered a real cool off roading trip though work and then spend the rest of the weekend fishing with my brother. As much as I want my kids with me I need to have a me only weekend, my kids want me to have this as they say I deserve it! Love my kids! That's all, nothing too crazy, still have 4 months to go!
I think you handled the birthday present well. But what do you think will happen after the D? I ask because I'm wondering myself. Where will the kids get money to buy presents for their mother? The good person in me says I would give them money, since this is their mother. But the fired husband says no way I'm going to give them money toward a present for my XW.
The house plan sounds great. A win for your son and a win for you. I hope it works.
About the other woman, that's awesome! You're getting your mojo back. Even though you got that ego boost, you still stuck true to your values and resisted the urge. I'd like to think I'd respond the same way. (Now if only I had the opportunity.)
Keep it up!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I haven't been posting much as I feel that I have a pretty good grasp on my life and situation. I still do have some ups and downs but my good days heavily outweigh the bad.
That's great Dusty, over time the good days will increase in number so keep at it :-)
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I mentioned in a previous post about a woman I met from my s13 sports team, while we were at the hotel this past weekend our conversations became very flirtatious to the point she invited me to her room, as much as I wanted to I couldn't do it! All I kept saying was that I am still married and at the end of the day I feel that I would let someone down, not sure who maybe me, maybe my kids, God?? I don't know.
Well you've got to be true to yourself and maintain your moral compass throughout this stuff. It's easy to fall into the trap of doing something to "get back at your spouse" when in the end it really only hurts yourself.
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I do have an awesome GAL planned for this weekend, I was offered a real cool off roading trip though work and then spend the rest of the weekend fishing with my brother.
An update to where I'm at. Currently STBXW and I are still in the our marital home(she sleeps on the floor of our d11 room! lol Nothing much is going on court wise just letting the process work itself out, I am waiting to hear from my lawyer to see if my WW accepted the buyout offer for our home. I was able to refi the house on my own, when I informed my kids they were beyond happy! The first time through all this mess they seemed excited which made me feel good! If she accepts it will just come down to parenting schedule and how to split all our stuff up. I will be trying to have the process sped up as I can't have her in the house anymore, she adds nothing! All of the things she used to do she no longer does unless it benefits her. She doesn't clean anything, the only grocery shopping she does is for her(nothing for the kids) only does her laundry. It almost seems as if she is given up on her current life waiting for her next one to begin. I'm fairly certain there is a OM(possible 3) in the mix but it doesn't concern me unless it affects my kids, I quit snooping months ago so I have no idea what she is up to.
As far as what i'm up to, tons of GAL! Most of what I do involves my kids but that's how I want it! I spend a few night/days a week watching my kids and their various activities, going to my brothers lake cottage fishing,kayaking, stand up paddle boarding and whatever else you do there! I am still talking to the now divorced mom from my sons team, she has been great for me, something I would have never done while married, talking to another woman. Now that she is divorced we do talk a lot more and have been out for drinks more frequently, I know I'm not ready but..... This does wonders for my self confidence!!
I also started Divorce Care a few weeks back, I've read on here that a few of you thought there was too much religion but my sessions haven't been that way at all. I can take a little but don't need to be inundated with it. The group i'm in has been good, helpful listening to other people knowing that I'm not the only one going through this! What else??? still going to the gym now 5/6 days a week, currently I am down 65 lbs! I am at the same weight the day I got married and I feel awesome, this is the best physically I've felt in 25 years! Emotionally I still have ups and downs but the downs only last for a couple hours a week, I can't let the downs control me, to many good things to look forward to! I've rambled long enough, time to go to the gym! Have a good day!!
Awesome update! Do whatever you want with the woman you're seeing. You have no obligations to anyone else. If it feels right for you then enjoy. Everything you have going on is great, and look at how good that makes you feel? Stay the course and have an awesome life!
Things seem to really be going well for you. The news about the house is just awesome.
I'm glad you found a good Divorce Care group. They seem to be hit or miss. Not sure where you are in the program but some of the videos do tend to get very religious. The group interaction is what I really go for - hopefully there's a good group dynamic at the one you've found.
Keep it up, man!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Wife sent me a text stating that she found a home that she wanted to put a down payment on. She needs me to sign something(waiver?) allowing her to purchase this home using her retirement money for the down payment, I told her that I will not do anything until the lawyers figure out the distribution of money from these accounts. She then blamed me for dragging this out and again this will only hurt the kids. The exchange became heated, I kept my cool as she attempted to bait me in, I informed yet again that her actions have hurt the kids, her giving up on our marriage will hurt the kids for many years even though she thinks they're fine(her word verbatim!) I told her that I have accepted my part in why our R failed and asked her why she continues to blame me for all of it, that she has yet to accept responsibility for her betrayal! At this point I don't need or want an apology because it won't change what I want to do. As she ranted I attempted to validate what she was saying with no success, she was so angry, I've never seen this from her ever! I just told her that she was free to move out that she wasn't needed or wanted in the home anymore, that she adds nothing of value at this point, I don't want her there, the kids don't want her there and she doesn't want to be there! That pissed her off and she left the room, slammed the door and left. I tried to fight fair but I can only absorb so much before I push back, I have done this far to long in our marriage and it's time to show my strength and she doesn't like it!
The unfortunate part.... as I left the room my s13 heard the entire exchange, all of it! He was clearly upset, I told him I was sorry that he heard that and I will never allow it to get that way again! He told me that he was mad at his mom, not me!
The exchange became heated, I kept my cool as she attempted to bait me in, I informed yet again that her actions have hurt the kids, her giving up on our marriage will hurt the kids for many years even though she thinks they're fine(her word verbatim!) I told her that I have accepted my part in why our R failed and asked her why she continues to blame me for all of it, that she has yet to accept responsibility for her betrayal! At this point I don't need or want an apology because it won't change what I want to do. As she ranted I attempted to validate what she was saying with no success, she was so angry, I've never seen this from her ever! I just told her that she was free to move out that she wasn't needed or wanted in the home anymore, that she adds nothing of value at this point, I don't want her there, the kids don't want her there and she doesn't want to be there! That pissed her off and she left the room, slammed the door and left. I tried to fight fair but I can only absorb so much before I push back, I have done this far to long in our marriage and it's time to show my strength and she doesn't like it!
The unfortunate part.... as I left the room my s13 heard the entire exchange, all of it! He was clearly upset, I told him I was sorry that he heard that and I will never allow it to get that way again! He told me that he was mad at his mom, not me!
Dusty,
Sounds to me like she did bait you in. I have to ask you if that exchange moved you closer to your goal or further away from your goal?
IMO arguing with your wife and saying extremely hurtful things is not a sign of strength especially when it is within distance of your children.
LH, I have done a pretty good job to date as far as not getting dragged into an argument. I should clarify, she got heated not me! I kept my cool as she continued to raise her voice, we had this discussion in the bedroom so the kids didn't hear, obviously we failed at this! My goal, I no longer am interested in saving my marriage, saving myself and providing for my kids is my goal. I do not want to argue with her but she has said some pretty mean things about me that are just plain hurtful and not true, and her desire to be "friends" at this point doesn't seem possible.
Yes, I have a lot of work to do, getting better every day.
Of course she's angry. She's a spoiled child and isn't getting what she wants, so she throws a tantrum. I'm guessing you're like a lot of us LBHs here and you're some degree of Nice Guy, and have probably spent years trying to minimize conflict in your relationship. So naturally, she thinks that if she creates conflict, or threatens to, you'll cave and she'll get what she wants.
I agree with LH that you need to work on this. You WERE baited and you took the bait. I know how hard it is to NOT take that bait, especially when it's nice juicy bait that has "hypocrite" written all over it and it's SO DAMN HARD not to point out what BS that bait is. But remember it's a power game designed to draw a reaction, and you reacted, so you "lose."
Hang in there, man. You can do this, and I promise it gets better.
Sounds like you had a lot of built up frustration towards your wife and let it out. Sounds like a lot of hurt and pain was thrown towards your wife in that argument. You have to be the constant and sturdy one. If both of you'll are not solid then it leads to arguments like the one yesterday.
You don't want your son to hate his mother. He only gets one. Encourage him to support and love her. She seems lost and hurt at the moment. You have to become the lighttower. Have your read the light tower yet. I tried to find it. I hope someone can post it for you.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
EastTn You are spot on about me being the nice guy, I've always been this way. I have been trying to change and will continue but this has happened so fast I can't fix it all at once! Our conversation started out on a calm level until she erupted over me answering a question regarding the lawyers. I will be better prepared if this happens again! Thank you!
JoeJoe, I do have a lot of frustration and anger towards her as she destroys our family, I am 1000 times better than I was 6 months ago if you can believe that! I hate that my kids are affected by this, I will make sure that we have any discussions in the future more private to keep it from them! And I do have the "Lighthouse" I read it every other day, I am trying to be that for my kids.
Wife sent me a text stating that she found a home that she wanted to put a down payment on. She needs me to sign something(waiver?) allowing her to purchase this home using her retirement money for the down payment
Oh God, 2 weeks ago my STBXW did the EXACT SAME THING! It's starting to get really scary how similar our sitches seem. I know you've been off the board for a few weeks, but you might get a kick looking into my Part 4 thread to see how this played out in my sitch.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I told her that I will not do anything until the lawyers figure out the distribution of money from these accounts. She then blamed me for dragging this out.
My STBXW lost her sh1t when I told her my L advised me not to sign the waiver. Now she's blaming me for keeping her a prisoner in the house and not allowing her to move on with her life. I'm telling you, our W's have the same divorce app.
Unlike some of the others here, I got the impression you handled the discussion about this fairly well. Your W seems to be the one who exploded, and I think you responded about as well as can be expected.
Dude, your future is out there. Find it.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
holding, Even though I haven't posted or put my two cents in other threads I have been reading including your sitch. So I am very familiar with what went on with your W and her desire to buy a home so I was ready for this from my W. Honestly I have no problem with her getting her own place but for her to use our shared money to do this absolutely not! That's why I attempted to explain to her that until the lawyers figure out the money I will not give her permission to put an offer on a home, much like you!
Originally Posted By: LH19
Originally Posted By: dusty70
My goal, I no longer am interested in saving my marriage.
I know you may feel that way today, but it doesn't mean you will feel that way in the future.
Don't burn any unnecessary bridges.
LH..... I understand this! Believe me I do, I have done just about everything I needed to do to save my marriage, some wrong, some right. I have bettered myself for myself to set me up for my new future, but with the level of betrayal from my W it makes it real tough to even consider being with her, can this change, maybe, we'll see. Our marriage will be over before the end of the year. I am doing my best to not burn any bridges, this is not a pattern of us, we usually can keep it nice towards each other.
You can be the lighthouse for your wife as well. I'm glad you are being one for your kids. That is great, but until you let go of that anger towards her, you will be held down. Let it go! It's hard, but it will allow you to see the situation and her actions for an objective point of view. You want be angry any more, you will feel emphatic for her and that allows you to lovingly detach. It's hard, but it has to happen. Let that anger go, for yourself.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thank you for that! I am trying! I have for the most part let my anger towards her go but there was a trigger Sunday night that set me back a little and then the talk yesterday. Again, I was the one who kept calm, I let her talk and answered her questions as necessary. My anger is a 180 for me as she always felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. Thanks again,
So, upon reading another post on this site and the response form Sandi I have now realized that I have nice guy syndrome! I have suspected this for a few months now, guess I was in denial. Attempting to educate myself as to my faults in my M I came across a book on NGS, not only did I have a couple symptoms I had all of them! My W and I early on in this sitch went to Retrouvaille, of course this was her attempt to say she tried to save the M but she was in denial as her EA and her PA had already started. During the retreat weekend we had to write down family of origins stuff, this is when I started to understand me and the type of person I was, just didn't know how it related to NGS.
I downloaded an audio book on NGS and listened to it, what and eye opener! I am the prototypical nice guy, I did everything to please my wife as I couldn't handle any sort of rejection on any level, that included bottling up my anger when something she did upset me. This happened all the time, I avoided all conflict with her and usually lashed out and tried to manipulate her and my kids to get a result that I wanted. I did not do this intentionally, it's just how I was and still am. I talked with my IC about this and she had me pegged for this the first day she met me but she wanted me to discover this. With that, where do I go from here? I have started to implement my change away from this behavior with my kids, my W, and whoever else I come in contact with, I need to learn how to say NO for starters, not and easy thing for me to do! I'm also looking to get involved with a NGS support group for men and to reconnect with some friends I used to play hockey with that I gave up on years ago.
You have done the hard part. You have done the hard part. You have recognized NGS. You have already done the second part, you started researching ways to fix it, and you have already bought books and listened to audio books.
Changing ones self is never easy. And people will be thrown off when they first see the new you. Some people will reject at first, but remember these changes are for you and not anyone else.
The big part I took from what I read about NGS is that, NG need validation from others. You don't need that anymore! You validate yourself and take care of your needs. You are doing great. Saying NO is always hard when you are use to saying yes, but saying no is for your health. You can't try please everyone without leaving yourself vulnerable.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
It's not a switch you flip, it's more like taking your first step on a new journey. I'm trying to find a local NGS support group too. Please share how that goes if you find one.
Good luck!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Great club to in! lol. I realize this won't be an overnight change, I have a lot of years to break down. The other day W sent me a text that S17 didn't feel good and asked to not go to school, she asked me to call S17 to tell him he has to go to school. She doesn't want to do this as this will make her be the bad cop so I have always taken care of these issues. I simply responded that I was busy(at work) so you need to deal with, I received a not so pleasant response. The more I get into this book everything seems to be getting a bit more clear for me. I have found a local group but the problem is they meet on the same night as the Divorce Care. Need to make a decision. I really wish I had this information years ago!
The other day W sent me a text that S17 didn't feel good and asked to not go to school, she asked me to call S17 to tell him he has to go to school. She doesn't want to do this as this will make her be the bad cop so I have always taken care of these issues. I simply responded that I was busy(at work) so you need to deal with, I received a not so pleasant response.
Dude if your W is anything like me, things are gonna get MUCH worse as she realizes you're not her errand boy any more.
I'll give you some homework. The next time this comes up, be direct: tell your W that you'll no longer do these things for her, and she needs to learn to handle them herself. The first time I did that was both terrifying and liberating.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dude if your W is anything like me, things are gonna get MUCH worse as she realizes you're not her errand boy any more.
I'll give you some homework. The next time this comes up, be direct: tell your W that you'll no longer do these things for her, and she needs to learn to handle them herself. The first time I did that was both terrifying and liberating.
This NGS thing is the exact reason I was unable to set boundaries early on and why I couldn't kick her out of the house the night I found out. I will be talking to her tonight as she scheduled something on top of my Divorce Care meeting. I had to mill last week for the same reason and I WILL NOT miss two weeks in a row. Our kids have activities they need to get to so she will either have to cancel her plans or have one of her family members drive the kids around. And yes, it is both terrifying and liberating!
So, upon reading another post on this site and the response form Sandi I have now realized that I have nice guy syndrome! I have suspected this for a few months now, guess I was in denial. Attempting to educate myself as to my faults in my M I came across a book on NGS, not only did I have a couple symptoms I had all of them!
It's not surprising, most of the guys that end up here have NGS. I think it's because 1) we really are nice so we want to save our marriages and thus we end up here and 2) part of NGS is passive/ aggressive tendencies which drives our wives away over the years and lands us in these situations. You mentioned a book, is it No More Mister Nice Guy? If not then do get that one too, it was my roadmap to recovering from NGS.
Quote:
This happened all the time, I avoided all conflict with her and usually lashed out and tried to manipulate her and my kids to get a result that I wanted. I did not do this intentionally, it's just how I was and still am.
Well the good news is this- as nice guys we really do want to do the right thing, and a lot of our negative behavior is because we don't know better. Our intentions are good, but our methods are not. But once we learn that what we're doing is wrong and hurtful, well it's not that hard for us to rewire ourselves and change our behavior.
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With that, where do I go from here?
Read NMMNG and work on the exercises in it. Be conscious of what you say and do at all times. STOP all passive/aggressive behavior. Say what you mean. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Be direct. Get ready to be surprised, you'll find people respect you much more and women will find you more attractive. There's really no downside!
Read NMMNG and work on the exercises in it. Be conscious of what you say and do at all times. STOP all passive/aggressive behavior. Say what you mean. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Be direct. Get ready to be surprised, you'll find people respect you much more and women will find you more attractive. There's really no downside!
AS...... Yes this is the book I am reading, in fact just started it for a second time. When I met with my IC the other day I was only a couple chapters in and I told her that this book was such an eye opener that I felt everything I have done since BD was all wasted because I didn't realize this about me. I've worked on all the stuff my W said was wrong with me(I agree with most of what she said) but I could see myself falling into the same patterns once my divorce is final because of NGS! I have a ton more work to do,
The last couple of weeks have been real good for me, reading about my nice guy tendencies and learning more about myself continues to be what is changing ME! My approach with everything I do is ever changing now and I notice the difference with how people interact with me, my kids are taken back a little as I am starting to set some boundaries that they are not accustomed to. W is starting to see this as well, she is definitely not used to hearing NO from me. Gotta stay strong, learning how to break from this "syndrome" will take some time.
D11 and S13 are starting to notice W's lack of care or involvement with what they are doing, they both come to me all the time now because wife is MIA somewhere as she doesn't inform them where she is going or what she is doing, this is way out of the normal for her. She continually puts herself first missing out on our kids activities and missed doctors appointments. I will need to keep a better eye on the this!
Now on to S17, I ended up having a talk with the coaches on his high school sports team before the team tryouts, he is one of the best players on the team but was removed from the team over the summer as he had a verbal exchange with the coach during a game. I informed the coaches that S17 intersected a text between wife and I about divorce months before we told the kids, the coaches showed some compassion and thankfully are giving him a second chance and my S was asked back!
Now the problem, I noticed he drank some of my bourbon that I had in the house, I confronted him and he told me the truth. He said he had a rough week with school and the tryouts and he felt stressed! I told him I understood how his week could have been stressful for him but drinking alcohol is not a good reason to relieve stress, I let him know that if he is having a rough time to come talk to me before he even thinks of drinking something. I will try this approach as sending him to a therapist may give him the thought that I don't want to deal with his issues( this is what W is doing with D11 and S13), that may be the wrong approach but I need to be there for my kids. If it doesn't work I will seek a therapist for him.
Dusty, I'm glad you're learning to fight the NGS side. It's hard work. I actually met with a NGS Meetup group over the weekend. It's an informal group, not an official thing. You might want to see if you have something similar in your area. One of the guys there, who's been in the group a while, said NGS is like being an alcoholic - you're never cured, and you have to continue to work on it the rest of your life.
Sorry to hear about S17. I think I remember you saying he's hit the bottle before. I don't think sending him to a therapist means you're not dealing with the issue. Think of it like supplementing the talks your having with him.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dusty, I'm glad you're learning to fight the NGS side. It's hard work. I actually met with a NGS Meetup group over the weekend. It's an informal group, not an official thing. You might want to see if you have something similar in your area. One of the guys there, who's been in the group a while, said NGS is like being an alcoholic - you're never cured, and you have to continue to work on it the rest of your life.
I realize now how this will take some time as every time I read the book I pick up on some things I didn't catch before. I wish I understood this about myself months if not years ago as I may not have been in this predicament. Then again, I do believe all things happen for a reason! I have also been in contact with a local NMMNG support group, looks like we will get together starting next month.
Originally Posted By: Holding
Sorry to hear about S17. I think I remember you saying he's hit the bottle before. I don't think sending him to a therapist means you're not dealing with the issue. Think of it like supplementing the talks your having with him.
Yes my son has done this before and my W swept it under the rug as I thought I had nipped this in the bud. After talking to my IC she basically said the same thing you did that I need to supplement what I am trying to do as his dad and have him go to an IC. My kids are screaming for one of us to be there for them(insert Lighthouse) My W hasn't been there at all for them so I am, wouldn't want it any other way. They are starting to figure out what is really going on here.
I'm just moving along with what I want to do nowadays, W is doing the same, not sure what she is doing but lately this seems to affect me because she goes out with friend(maybe) The reason this bothers me is because she is leaving our children by themselves, they have mentioned to other family members that "mom left us a gain and we were by ourselves" The losses for her as starting to occur because of her actions, S17 has flat out told her he will not live at her new house and will be staying with me and I just learned that he will not be going to W's family for Thanksgiving instead spending the day with my family. S13 is not happy and is struggling in school, something that has never happened with him. S13 told me last night that he misses his older brother and if he's not staying at mom's house then he isn't either.
My kids don't want to be around her, I have gone away for a couple weekends since BD(something I never did), when I'm gone the kids don't want to be in the house with her as W doesn't pay any attention to them, so they all scatter to hang with friends leaving W alone in the house. It almost seems as if she doesn't want her own kids at times.
I'm still attending Divorce Care, think there is 3 more sessiions, it's going good but the religion part is really starting to come in to play. I've been in contact with a NMMNG group that will be starting up in a couple weeks so I'm really looking forward to these meetups.
My divorce will be final right after the first of the year, I know this is supposed to be a marathon and take the time given but this entire process seems like it has been a sprint! My marriage of 20 years will be over soon and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around what all has happened, the lack of respect my W has shown to anybody related to me is at times too much to handle. She won't even look at my parents let alone say a word, this is the grandparents of her children yet she won't even acknowledge them with our kids around. I've seen MIL a few times since BD and I still call her mom and give her a hug, she asks how I'm doing and compliments me on my weight loss. I just don't get any of it.
GAL is ongoing, still working out 5/6 days a week and considering playing some hockey again, another activity I stopped doing years ago to raise my family. Along with the fitness and the support groups I attend I will have plenty of DIY house chores to do once she is out of the house which will be in a couple weeks.
Man has this been tough! Can't wait to just move on!
Man has this been tough! Can't wait to just move on!
dusty70,
Yes, going through the process of separation and divorce is surreal. But, I was divorced a little over a year ago, and I have to say, it does get better. I can see all sorts of opportunities and options opening up for me in the future. There are so many things to do and experience. You know that feeling you had when you were younger and about to go off to college or start a new career; there's a feeling of fun and adventure right around the corner.
Anyway, it does get better. Keep chugging along and things will improve.
We’re almost in the exact same place including sons that don’t want to be with their mothers. If you are paying alimony, you may want to move it up the close to December given potential tax law changes on alimony.
Gordie, They don't want to be with her and that's without knowing the full truth to her wayward ways! I'm not paying any child support or alimony, everything so far has been a 50/50 split, of course with how much two teenage athletic boys wanting to live with me all the time I will be losing money for how much food they eat! lol
Reading Bluwave's latest post had me thinking a bit regarding what I have going on outside of my kids and my WW and my impending divorce. In my attempt over the past months to understand the mind of my WW and her decision to stray(multiple times with complete strangers she met online) I am experiencing this first hand how one could make the decision to cheat on their spouse. If any of you have read through my sitch I have met a woman from my s13 sports team that was going through and is now divorced, she has been a good person to talk to and share things with her that I would never discuss with my W. There has been moments that we both wanted to take our discussion to another level but ended up agreeing that would most likely be a bad decision. So she continues to now be a very good and loyal friend that will be there for me when needed. I was also contacted through a social media site(the same one my WW uses to find her "guys") by an attractive woman 20 years younger than me! Our chats have carried on for a few weeks now, she has opened up about how bad her marriage is and is thinking of filing for divorce and leaving her husband. She has sent me explicit messages and pictures and wants to meet up with me, so far as to asking me to get a hotel room. This is the exact same behavior my W has and is engaging in, I now see how addictive this must have been for my W, all the attention I give this woman makes her feel important and wanted as her husband no longer does this for her(so she says) As much as I would like for this meetup to happen I can't do it! All I can think about is that she is married with two small children and I could be the person she uses as an exit affair. I would be no different than any of the guys that my WW has been in contact with. That' just not the type of person I want to be! I still feel as if I am married, I need to get through this divorce with a clean conscious that I never strayed. I'm sure I will kick my self for not meeting her but.....
You are doing the right thing. Stay strong for you and your kids. Follow your conscience. Lots of time to date on the other side. No need to rush. Be the sane parent for your kids. Fidelity in the face of infidelity is honorable.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Why are you on that website / app at all? Why tempt yourself and even interact with that other WW?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You are doing the right thing. Stay strong for you and your kids. Follow your conscience. Lots of time to date on the other side. No need to rush. Be the sane parent for your kids. Fidelity in the face of infidelity is honorable.
Gordie, thanks for the reassurance that I made the correct choice. That is how I feel 100%, guys that I work with actually think I should go for it but they're not in my shoes, people on this site are and understand, so thank you for that.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Why are you on that website / app at all? Why tempt yourself and even interact with that other WW?
It's not a dating app, it is a professional networking site "Lixxxxin" I have used it for years for my job, i'm not on that site trolling for women.
Dusty70 I read your story and it is almost identical to mine. Me44, W41, S21, D19. T25 years, M22 years, Dfiled11/2. My wife was in loved with several and now has 1OM. Tells me how bad marriage was that took me completely off guard. Says no chance of R. It has been hard but I am doing the 180/LRT. I have seen little improvement but no big change. She still goes from friendly to cold at the drop of a hat. Sorry for your situation, just nice knowing I'm not crazy and others understand. MLC suck to deal with but it's not about me and I can't change it.
Lost, just read your sitch. Sorry your're hear. If you have seen some small improvements then continue with what you are doing, you won't see this ah ha moment and the next day everything is all good. It is a marathon, take it from me and whoever else responds to you. Work on yourself, you are the only one you can control and change, I tried to get my W to change her mind at BD , it doesn't work! Take the advice from the good people on this board, they are all trying to help YOU! Good luck!
Didn't realize it's been about a month since the last time I posted anything regarding my sitch. So here goes, nothing really new to report about the D, have a date coming up that should basically be the day we finalize everything, kids, assets, property, my dog. lol.... Got through Thanksgiving ok, didn't really mind being by myself for the first part of the day while my kids were at W's family. I met my W to get the kids, she wouldn't even look at me as she was crying, I was just happy to see my kids and made sure she saw how good of a mood I was in! I had a great time with my kids and my family. Was out of town the rest of the weekend with my s17 for sports so I didn't even see her.
My new direction in life is starting to become so clear to me as to what I want it to look like it makes it so much easier to get through my rough days! I'm continuing my GAL activities and looking for more things to do, working on my house will take up a bunch of my time once she is out next week. Which now leads me to the last couple of days!
I'll start off by saying my W has acted very different as of late, trying to be more communicative, asking my kids what I'm up to and sending me random texts about nothing, I usually don't respond unless it's about the kids so much as to mention to a mutual friend that it frustrates her that I never respond! The other day we had a real good talk about splitting the parenting time, money, Christmas and so on. She told me that she is having trouble securing the financing for her condo and how she won't have enough money to go on a spring break trip. I validated(as best as I could). We talked about her paying off some debt we accumulated with money she is getting from my retirement funds and she agreed to pay that off after the D is final next month. Had a good talk, looked at her when she spoke and listened, I could see the stress in her eyes!
Then I get a text today wishing my a "good morning" and this is what I did today blah blah blah. She asked me that she was thinking that maybe we should consider a "legal separation"???? A legal separation, not a divorce. What does that even mean? So I had to look it up, and from what I read it sounds like a safety net for her. I didn't respond because I have no idea what to even say, I know where I'm at emotionally with all this and currently there is no scenario that has me trying to save this marriage. Can any one of you help me out because I am more confused than ever.
It's great you've come so far and you're starting to see your new life after D. So, you're ready to move on and she suddenly brings up "legal separation". Jeez!
It could be a safety net, it could be her having second thoughts. It's best not to beat yourself up trying to figure it out.
Does the legal separation annoy you, or does it make you hopeful? If it annoys you, then maybe you really are ready to move on with the D. But if it makes you hopeful, then maybe consider the S. This will be a hard one for you to weigh out.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I was just happy to see my kids and made sure she saw how good of a mood I was in! I had a great time with my kids and my family. Was out of town the rest of the weekend with my s17 for sports so I didn't even see her.
Perfect! Great job Dusty!
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I'll start off by saying my W has acted very different as of late, trying to be more communicative, asking my kids what I'm up to and sending me random texts about nothing, I usually don't respond unless it's about the kids so much as to mention to a mutual friend that it frustrates her that I never respond!
Very interesting. She's probably trying to temp check you because you've been doing a good job of detaching.
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She asked me that she was thinking that maybe we should consider a "legal separation"???? A legal separation, not a divorce. What does that even mean? So I had to look it up, and from what I read it sounds like a safety net for her. I didn't respond because I have no idea what to even say, I know where I'm at emotionally with all this and currently there is no scenario that has me trying to save this marriage. Can any one of you help me out because I am more confused than ever.
I'm not sure what you mean by "safety net", but in general a legal separation is a means to split finances similar to a D without actually getting a D. What it sounds like to me is she's getting cold feet about the D, she's not sure she wants it anymore. My suggestion would be to ask her why she wants to pursue that instead of D, that you don't understand what she is getting at. Ask her if she would rather talk about it in person.
Holding, I'm indifferent on this, more confused than anything, why this, why now?? I know I have my beliefs on this but that would be more mind reading and we all know to not do that!
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I'm not sure what you mean by "safety net", but in general a legal separation is a means to split finances similar to a D without actually getting a D. What it sounds like to me is she's getting cold feet about the D, she's not sure she wants it anymore. My suggestion would be to ask her why she wants to pursue that instead of D, that you don't understand what she is getting at. Ask her if she would rather talk about it in person.
AS, meaning that we could split the finances and the kids and everything else but still remained married knowing full well I would accept her back when she finds out her fantasy life isn't so glamorous anymore! I don't feel that way currently. She is starting to face some money issues as I had my last check go into a different account, she needs to ask me for money to pay the bills and like I said she is having an issue securing her own mortgage for some reason. S17 doesn't want to live with her and S13 is starting to question that as well. Maybe she is getting cold feet but I don't feel the same towards her anymore. I will talk to her tonight to see what she's thinking. Thanks for the guidance.
Well, tomorrow's the day! Could be the end of my 25+ years with the woman I used to love, still do in many ways but her actions and hurtful words have made it almost impossible to ever have feelings for her the way I used to. It's very sad it has come to this but the prospect of what I have done for myself and my kids since BD in March surely light a new exciting path. Even though she reached out last week wanting to know if I would consider a "legal separation" over divorce has me still puzzled, we never talked about it(I let her know that I would) and she is in a mad scramble today to get some other things figured out financially as we need to let the lawyers know everything tomorrow. She will not approach me to discuss anything, I have made it clear I am willing to talk but nothing, I'm not sure why she feels this way, maybe her own guilt for what she has done is the reason but that would only be mind reading.
My kids are really struggling knowing that the life they once had will be vastly different soon, especially my s13! He's having a real hard time and my d11 doesn't want Christmas now! My W has done this to them and she has shown zero sign of even caring other than what she is doing! She is scheduled to move out on the 21st! 4 days before Christmas, I don't get it, guess I never will. Please give me the strength to get through tomorrow!
Stay strong for those kids. We may never understand why they are doing what they are doing and they may not either. You are doing a great job of detaching.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Just wanted to lend my support as well. It's also incomprehensible to me what my H is doing to my two boys. He seems completely oblivious to the damage. They don't really want to be with him right now either (mainly because of where he has chosen to live) but feel sorry for him so they go with him. I think it will take me years to wrap my mind around what has transpired these past few months. Be gentle with yourself. These are tough times, but you are definitely not alone!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Thank you for the support and very kind words from all the advice I get. None of you will ever know how appreciative I am for being able to share my life with you.
A little update, we were in court yesterday and everything was going fine, we came to some sort of agreement on the kids, possessions and then we started talking money/debt to be exact. We agreed for the most part on who is going to pay what, that's when my W blew her top! She started accusing me of hiding money(my lawyer has all my bank records) and buying things for myself and not putting the kids first. She told her lawyer that our kids will now have an F'ning horrible Xmas because we can't buy gifts and so on..... The anger in her eyes actually had me concerned, I have never in 25 years seen this much anger out of her. I just sat back and let her vent, then her lawyer got in the mix and I had to defend myself, I will not be disrespected anymore as I have let this happen for far too long. I actually felt real good after knowing that my decision to detach and act as if I am moving on was the right decision.
My W then had to go in front of the judge and be sworn in to agree on the grounds for divorce and agree to the final day. She was crying while doing this and I had to walk out as I didn't need to be there. I got home last night and she was a completely different person, acting nice and talking to me about some Xmas presents for the kids and paying bills. Don't think I will ever understand what happened to her, don't really care too much, just want to make sure she will do her job as mom!
So, now I just got some real good news from work. My boss who has been unbelievably supportive of me through all this allowing me to take time off of work without using vacation days just presented me with a large pay raise!! It was a surprise as I have not been a good employee this year. THis raise will make way more comfortable financially, still need to make some cut backs but I won't be month to month keeping the home! Now the bad, I don't have anyone to share this great news with. My W would have been out of this world happy for me and us!
I can't believe your W can't wait until after xMas. Sounds like you're doing the best that could be expected. Try to keep a positive and happy attitude to pull your kids through the holiday season with you.
AS, meaning that we could split the finances and the kids and everything else but still remained married knowing full well I would accept her back when she finds out her fantasy life isn't so glamorous anymore! I don't feel that way currently.
Ah, I understand better now. It sounds like you're the one that wants the D and I get it, the same thing happened to me. At some point you want closure and to move on, and while it is "only a piece of paper" on the one hand, it can be closure as well if you are ready for that (which it sounds like you are).
Originally Posted By: dusty70
My W has done this to them and she has shown zero sign of even caring other than what she is doing! She is scheduled to move out on the 21st! 4 days before Christmas, I don't get it, guess I never will.
It is really, really tough on the kids, no question. But try not to assign blame, she is still their mom and they are very confused and upset right now. The last thing a kid wants to hear is one of their parents talking trash about the other (boy do I remember that hell all too well from when I was a kid). So try to support them, and if they start speaking negatively of their mom then try not to feed into it, but help remind them of her good characteristics. I know that is extremely tough to do feeling the way you do right now but it is the right thing for the kids.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I got home last night and she was a completely different person, acting nice and talking to me about some Xmas presents for the kids and paying bills. Don't think I will ever understand what happened to her, don't really care too much, just want to make sure she will do her job as mom!
I've talked about this on the forums before, but often the WAS will be mean/ angry towards the LBS because they actually think that's a good way to help the LBS move on. At some point when the pressure is removed they no longer feel the need to be ugly and they drop it. It may have taken D for her to see that it'll be over soon and drop the mean girl act.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
Now the bad, I don't have anyone to share this great news with. My W would have been out of this world happy for me and us!
And what are we, chopped liver? Congrats, that's awesome news!!
Ah, I understand better now. It sounds like you're the one that wants the D and I get it, the same thing happened to me. At some point you want closure and to move on, and while it is "only a piece of paper" on the one hand, it can be closure as well if you are ready for that (which it sounds like you are).
AS Believe me that I wish this wasn't happening but she wants out and I don't want to waste anymore energy trying to stop this. This doesn't mean I gave up DB'ing I just needed to move on and make my life better for my own sanity. If some day she realizes she made a big mistake and wants back in..... I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes. Right now I am looking forward to my new life without her.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
It is really, really tough on the kids, no question. But try not to assign blame, she is still their mom and they are very confused and upset right now. The last thing a kid wants to hear is one of their parents talking trash about the other (boy do I remember that hell all too well from when I was a kid). So try to support them, and if they start speaking negatively of their mom then try not to feed into it, but help remind them of her good characteristics. I know that is extremely tough to do feeling the way you do right now but it is the right thing for the kids.
For the first few months post BD and telling the kids I was doing this and didn't realize it until my s17 called me out. Since then I have been a model citizen, this is the hardest to do because of what she has done to me but I really don't care anymore, all this did was hold me back and keep me stuck. When we told the kids that was the only time I said anything regarding our situation, I told them that I didn't want the divorce and that was it, I have and never will tell them what their mom did but I have a feeling my boys already know. That is something W will need to deal with, I will not engage in those discussions.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
And what are we, chopped liver? Congrats, that's awesome news!!
LOL! No, none of you are chopped liver. That put a smile on my face when I read that! Thanks!
Originally Posted By: Holding
For the D, is everything settled and now you're just waiting for a final date for it to be official?
For the most part everything is settled outside of a couple bills and some small amount of debt(less than $5,000) I think the date is Jan 12. I learned(from my daughter) that she is moving out on the 22nd! Merry Christmas kids! argh!! I'll make it a great Christmas for them!
Dusty, I like where you are at emotionally. I'm hoping to get there.
My STBX has me in limbo currently. I think he very much wants to move forward and there is nothing I can do about it. He did send me an incoherent email a couple of weeks ago that sounded like he was not happy about how he was living, but he does seem to want to be away from me. He is missing our boys a lot. I am glad of that. But again, actions speak louder than words. He says he misses the boys so much, but there have been numerous times when he could have been with them and chose not too. I am wondering if I should move ahead with D as I need to plan my future. I really am taking one day at a time at this point. All I can handle.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Sorry for not responding in a timely fashion, I was out of town with my S17 for a tournament. Had a great time but missed my other two! I also had to go back through and re-read your posts this morning as the part of my state that I was in literly had zero cell service.
With that, you can't nor do you ever want to control what you spouse does, your H clearly wants some time and space and you are giving it to him, let him sit out there all by himself and think about what he wants as you do your GAL and be there for your boys! I can't tell you to file for D or not, in hindsight I probably should have as my W was and is in an affair that she won't stop or can't, not my concern at this point. But the reason I didn't file was I wanted my kids to know I never gave up, I wanted them to know I didn't want the divorce. I have been there for them always, my wife has checked out with them as well so I have become the constant calm that my kids need especially at this time of year.
Am I stuck in limbo? Currently I am but she will be moving out in 4 days, yes it's a couple days before Xmas but I feel this is the only thing holding me back from fully detaching. The only thing you can control right now is what you do! I'm sorry that any of us are in this situation, it [censored] but keep up what you're doing, it does get easier to deal with the day to day roller coaster ride from hell!
Believe me that I wish this wasn't happening but she wants out and I don't want to waste anymore energy trying to stop this. This doesn't mean I gave up DB'ing I just needed to move on and make my life better for my own sanity.
That's good, I think that's the place most of us get when we finally drop the rope. We're not saying the door is locked but we're saying we're not going to stand there with the door cracked open peeking out. We're closing the door and she has to knock if she wants back in.
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For the first few months post BD and telling the kids I was doing this and didn't realize it until my s17 called me out. Since then I have been a model citizen, this is the hardest to do because of what she has done to me but I really don't care anymore, all this did was hold me back and keep me stuck. When we told the kids that was the only time I said anything regarding our situation, I told them that I didn't want the divorce and that was it, I have and never will tell them what their mom did but I have a feeling my boys already know. That is something W will need to deal with, I will not engage in those discussions.
This is great stuff too. Perfect. And you are quite right, if the boys don't know now they will at some point and that's your W's mess to sort.
Great job Dusty, sounds like you are handling things really well! I mean I know it's still crap to go through, but your inner strength is really shining through and that's what's important.
Merry Christmas to everyone! I sure hope we can all get through this day as best as possible.
Yesterday for me was real emotional, much like Thanksgiving this year was the first time in 25 years my W and I did not spend together. She actually moved out of my house on Christmas Eve! It was very emotional for my kids as well. She did end up sleeping at my house(in my d11 room) and we all opened presents this morning, I made breakfast like I usually would and we sat down and ate together. Everything was just like normal like it has always been. I tried to act like everything was fine(fake to make it) to be that rock for my kids but man is it tough. I just need to get through the next couple days and I think I'll be fine! Good luck to everyone as we all carve a new path regardless of what we are all trying to accomplish in life!!
Well.... it's been a week since she moved out and as much as I was prepared and looking forward to that moment it feels like another BD! like the dagger just got pushed in a little deeper. I'm actually good with her not being around, it's not having my kids with me all the time, I miss them, I miss seeing them and talking to them as to how their day was, talking on the phone or texting just isn't the same. I know it's still very fresh and I will need time to just breath but this is really hard.
I think being back at work will help and getting back into my normal routine of my GAL activities, I did keep busy over the break doing a bunch of long over house chores as most of this stuff got put on hold since BD. I do have a bunch of house things planned that should get me through the next month or so. The second Divorce Care session starts up next week so I am really looking forward to that, I did find the first session to be real helpful for me along with my IC.
My marriage will be final in two weeks unless something changes, I hope I can find the strength to get through this! Need to be strong for my kids!
You've got this Dusty! I remember those first few weeks after XW moved out, wow was it rough. When your whole life and identity has been as a dad and husband in a busy household and you suddenly find yourself alone in that same house it is a massive adjustment to make. I had never felt so lonely. But eventually you'll fill those empty hours with GAL and before you know it you'll be looking forward to that "you" time. It's perfect for finding "Dusty" again, or maybe since you were pretty young when you two got together, for finding Dusty for the first time!
Thank you! I read all these posts from people on this site that have been through this and for some reason I feel like the odd ball, that I can't handle the situation. Knowing that you had the same struggle helps me in some strange way. And I do need to find who the real me is, I met my W when I was 21, she was 19 and married 5 years after we met, I'm getting there, I hit the gym 5/6 days a week now which keeps my mind clear(as could be) Really starting to understand who I am. Going to the gym now and then home to see my kids! Thanks as always.
I read all these posts from people on this site that have been through this and for some reason I feel like the odd ball, that I can't handle the situation.
You are not the odd ball at all, what you are feeling is normal and it is normal to feel like you can't get through it too. I remember when I was going through the worst of it people were telling me things like "you'll get through this", "things will get better", "this is temporary" and it was just not helpful at all. I was hurting so freakin' bad and it just felt like it would never end. Your pain is VERY REAL! There is no dismissing it. There is no shortcut, you've got to feel the pain and deal with the loss. You've got to be patient with yourself. It hurts and it's miserable and it tears you apart. Just take life a day at a time, an hour at a time or a minute at a time, whatever you need to get through it. It gets better day by day and even though it's very hard for you to imagine right now, you'll emerge a better, stronger, more confident and independent Dusty. I mean you think those things about me, right? Believe me I have no superpowers, I was right where you are and felt just like what you are describing.
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Knowing that you had the same struggle helps me in some strange way. And I do need to find who the real me is, I met my W when I was 21, she was 19 and married 5 years after we met, I'm getting there, I hit the gym 5/6 days a week now which keeps my mind clear(as could be) Really starting to understand who I am. Going to the gym now and then home to see my kids! Thanks as always.
Great! Yes, that's exactly the way you get through it. Instead of lamenting the loss of your kids, look forward to seeing them the next time! And when you are alone then ask yourself what you can do that you can't when the kids are around. Fill the time with projects. If you don't have enough projects then pick up a new hobby like R/C planes or something. I am alone a LOT, but I am never lonely. The loneliness was horrible at first, but like I said before, you work on finding out who you are and learn to be happy with yourself and the loneliness slowly goes away and is replaced with a new sense of confidence.
Well.... it's been a week since she moved out and as much as I was prepared and looking forward to that moment it feels like another BD! like the dagger just got pushed in a little deeper. I'm actually good with her not being around, it's not having my kids with me all the time, I miss them, I miss seeing them and talking to them as to how their day was, talking on the phone or texting just isn't the same. I know it's still very fresh and I will need time to just breath but this is really hard.
Oh man! I totally feel you on this one. I have been physically separated for about five months, and in my own new place for three months. I didn't know how I was going to make it.
The first 2 months of physical S had its ups and downs. The major being that I was still in the marital home and she had moved on to a new place and was figuring her life out. I felt like I was stuck and the house was a constant reminder of the family life that had been lost. When I moved out of the marital home, that hit me really hard because now that loss was real. The home that I wanted to create for my kids with her was gone and there was no going back. We had bought this home about six months before BD and I had finally felt secure for myself and most importantly for the kids. But it all got blown up.
In the 2 months of S in the marital home, and not having any one in this house was just awful. Just like you, I didn't miss her, but I missed the kids terribly when they were not with me.
When I moved into my new place, I was a mess for a few weeks. I got it all the kids bedrooms set up so that they could have a good transition, but the rest of the house was just a mess. I was also super busy at work during that time and so I didn't have enough time to fix the place up - to make it my own. I had a lot of plans, but I just couldn't follow through because I was still experiencing a lot of loss and grief.
I didn't really start getting the place together until almost 2 months after moving in. Now it is at a place where I love it and it's my own space and it's reflective of that. It is also a home to my kids and I have made it reflective of that as well, that this is their house and it is full of their stuff - art on the wall, created space for their play time and set up their bedrooms nicer.
I don't think I will ever be okay with not seeing my children daily. I never signed up to be a part time parent, but I am put in a position where that is my reality. I have come to accept it, but I don't need to be okay with it. Acceptance of this reality has allowed me to understand where my choices are and how I can optimize the time with my kids and the time by myself.
When my kids are not around, I make sure that I am on top of my goals and priorities. I don't rush things and I take my time. For example, eating better is a huge priority for my health - so I give myself time to plan my meals, buy the food, and prepare what I want. I workout, go climbing, watch movies, read, and do other things. I am filling my life with stuff that is important to me. When my kids are around, I tweak some priorities because I want to spend all my time with them well, but I don't abandon them.
So, it's normal to feel alone and lonely and that the house is a dark cave. But the pain starts to chip away when you start thinking of your alone time as a productive space for you. I am at a place where the priorities for myself will always continue, and that I would keep up with them if W and I ever recon and live together again.
Also, what I have learned is that you don't need to trade your needs over other people. It's not that black and white. Right now, my priorities are myself and the kids - and they are on the same plane. If my kids priorities come into conflict with my needs, the kids needs trump mine in that moment. But, I have organized my life in such a way that this conflict never happens, and in fact I have incorporated my kids into some of my personal priorities so that there is more connection between us. What this has given me is this - you don't need to put your needs away and there is always a way to find balance. This is an important lesson that I will bring into my next R.
I totally empathize with where you are right now. Experience that pain to give you motivation and clarity about yourself. The process is more important than the outcome right now.
Sit with the pain and loss and grief to process and understand it. As soon as you see it move to despair - get up and do something.
I know this is long winded - but being in this space for a while now, I have learned some important skills and make use of the time wisely.
Please don't feel like the oddball. You've had to live through in-house S, which is its own form of hell. I think you've handled it well. My STBXW just moved out, so we'll see how that goes for me.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
H, good to hear from you! Hear we are again, almost spot on timing wise. I know i'm not the oddball as we all have a strange parallel of some sort. As you know first hand the in house S was hell and I was looking forward to her moving out, when she did(xmas eve!) I felt sad knowing it was most likely the end. I will tell you this, I was very tough the first couple days without my kids and I found myself sitting around playing the woe is me card, very easy to do as I felt overwhelmed with the giant task at hand. It wasn't until I ran into an friend who went through divorce years ago who snapped me out of it, we had a good talk over a couple beers and I came away with a whole new outlook on where I'm at.
With that, I know you are staying busy with GAL but make sure you don't have any down time and let your mind sit stagnant, stay busy with anything even if it's cleaning the house. Stay strong, it does get easier!
H, still not final. Trying to figure out out some financial stuff. Was accused of dragging it out because "I don't want a divorce" is what my L was told. I assured her I wanted this over. I have finally started to drop my anger toward what my W has done to my family and doubled down on myself and my kids, not having her in the house has really sped this process up. My D11 and S13 seem to be struggling with the new normal, S13 has times when he looks depressed and and keeps to himself which for him is not his character. D11 has been very clingy to me lately and has adopted the roll of mom in both houses, I am constantly talking with her to let her know that it's not her roll and that I can handle everything. They both constantly ask if I'm doing ok, I thank them for caring about me but tell them everything is fine.
S17 has been staying at XW house but not all the time, he's kind of on his own schedule, XW did attempt to tell him that he has to stay at her house(per schedule) and sort of blamed me which seems to be her new normal as all of this seems to be my fault. I will say that thankfully my kids grades have improved! D11 and S13 finished the semester with straight A's and S17 finished with A's and B's! So proud of them!!
GAL is going good, still down 65lbs but starting to bulk up a bit(got a trip to the Caribbean in two months) Going to the gym 5/6 days a week, started another Divorce Care session, still seeing my IC, tons of little projects on the house and starting to map out my summer trips with and without my kids. I'm going to invest in a good cyclecross bike and start putting on some miles, love riding for fitness, helps my body and clears my mind! Helps me learn how to be by myself and not depend on anyone.
I have finally excepted my role into the demise of our M, there were issues I've swept under the rug over the years and I'm sure she did as well. I needed to make changes to me, just wish she would have given me the chance before she went down the path she did, that does not give her the right to be wayward but I do see my share of the fault. Live and learn I guess, It will all work out!!
Sounds like you're doing great Dusty, good job on everything! Glad you dropped by for an update
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Was accused of dragging it out because "I don't want a divorce" is what my L was told.
How dare you drag things out of respect for your marriage, your kids and your renegade wife! What is wrong with you? You're not supposed to conduct yourself with dignity! Seriously, half the stuff that comes out of their mouths is eye-rolling worthy.
Dusty, I posted about the same thing recently - the realization of all the things I did wrong and wishing to have a second chance. I punished my husband so much for his affair that I became a bad wife and he avoided me until he finally left. I guess marriages that are successful still have problems, but the spouses give each other second chances. I guess our spouses simply don't love us anymore and don't see any reason to give us another chance. Wish they could at least do it for our kids. I hope this passes quickly for you so you can figure out your life after divorce.
Thanks for the update, Dusty! I think you're headed in a good direction.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
H, still not final. Trying to figure out out some financial stuff. Was accused of dragging it out because "I don't want a divorce" is what my L was told. I assured her I wanted this over.
My XW wasn't too happy with the timeline of our D either. At one point she told me, "I don't know what the hold up is. Do you think I'm going to change my mind? Cause I'm not."
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I have finally started to drop my anger toward what my W has done to my family and doubled down on myself and my kids, not having her in the house has really sped this process up.
YES!
Originally Posted By: dusty70
They both constantly ask if I'm doing ok, I thank them for caring about me but tell them everything is fine.
That's really touching that they're concerned for you. Be thankful for your awesome kids!
Originally Posted By: dusty70
... started another Divorce Care session ...
Are you taking it again because you missed some the first time, or do you need a refresher?
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I have finally excepted my role into the demise of our M, there were issues I've swept under the rug over the years and I'm sure she did as well. I needed to make changes to me, just wish she would have given me the chance before she went down the path she did, that does not give her the right to be wayward but I do see my share of the fault. Live and learn I guess, It will all work out!!
Ah, now we're getting down to business! I've been doing this too. I keep playing back old memories, and it upsets me that I didn't see the signs. It would have been nice to fix things in the M, but we can still fix ourselves for whatever comes next.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
One thing that struck me. When your kids ask how you are doing, I don’t think you have to say you are fine all the time. Don’t lean on them for support, but I do think it’s okay to be honest to say I’m having a rough day, thanks for asking. How are you? They can sense when you aren’t fine which is why they ask.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks AS,Nicole, Holding and Gordie... Sorry for long response.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
How dare you drag things out of respect for your marriage, your kids and your renegade wife! What is wrong with you? You're not supposed to conduct yourself with dignity! Seriously, half the stuff that comes out of their mouths is eye-rolling worthy.
AS.... I know, can't believe this woman I loved has turned to name calling and blaming me for everything, so to date I have been accused of hiding money, dragging this D out, being a bad dad, her drinking habit, lazy, setting poor eating and lifestyle examples for the kids and so on! None of this is true, our close family and friends are blown away that she has said this about me! Guess she needs to justify her decision. Everything I do now is to protect my kids and myself, they are hurting and I am the only one seeing it.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
- the realization of all the things I did wrong and wishing to have a second chance. I punished my husband so much for his affair that I became a bad wife and he avoided me until he finally left.
Nicole.... he cheated on you, I feel you have all the right to punish him for what HE did(within reason and the law. lol). My W actually told me she did this to make it easier for her to walk away(exit affair). I too wanted a second chance but I am at the point that I no longer want that. I am perfectly fine being on my own for now, my W has become someone I don't know or find attractive one bit. I will have a "second chance" just not with the person my W is now!
Originally Posted By: Holding
Originally Posted By: dusty70
They both constantly ask if I'm doing ok, I thank them for caring about me but tell them everything is fine.
That's really touching that they're concerned for you. Be thankful for your awesome kids!
They don't ask this as much as they used to but from time to time. The silver lining is I've become so much closer to the three of them. I now have different things to do with each of them, to make sure I am giving them equal time and attention. They love it, I can see it in their faces!
Originally Posted By: Holding
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I have finally excepted my role into the demise of our M, there were issues I've swept under the rug over the years and I'm sure she did as well. I needed to make changes to me, just wish she would have given me the chance before she went down the path she did, that does not give her the right to be wayward but I do see my share of the fault. Live and learn I guess, It will all work out!!
Ah, now we're getting down to business! I've been doing this too. I keep playing back old memories, and it upsets me that I didn't see the signs. It would have been nice to fix things in the M, but we can still fix ourselves for whatever comes next.
I didn't see the signs as well, I thought everything was fine, it has taken me months of therapy, support groups and the very kind people on this site to understand my role. I still have lots of work to do but the path seems a lot clearer.
Also, Divorce Care.... a different class(or session) about Healing. It's been good so far.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
One thing that struck me. When your kids ask how you are doing, I don’t think you have to say you are fine all the time. Don’t lean on them for support, but I do think it’s okay to be honest to say I’m having a rough day, thanks for asking. How are you? They can sense when you aren’t fine which is why they ask.
Gordie.... spot on! I will tell them if I'm having a bad day, it's not always good, the good days far outweigh the bad though. When my W first moved out I was leaning on them a bit, I talked to my IC about this and she set me straight, it's now flipped the other way. My kids need me and i'm always there for them!
I think I remember you saying he's hit the bottle before. I don't think sending him to a therapist means you're not dealing with the issue. Think of it like supplementing the talks your having with him.
Congrats, that's awesome news!!