I was just happy to see my kids and made sure she saw how good of a mood I was in! I had a great time with my kids and my family. Was out of town the rest of the weekend with my s17 for sports so I didn't even see her.
Perfect! Great job Dusty!
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I'll start off by saying my W has acted very different as of late, trying to be more communicative, asking my kids what I'm up to and sending me random texts about nothing, I usually don't respond unless it's about the kids so much as to mention to a mutual friend that it frustrates her that I never respond!
Very interesting. She's probably trying to temp check you because you've been doing a good job of detaching.
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She asked me that she was thinking that maybe we should consider a "legal separation"???? A legal separation, not a divorce. What does that even mean? So I had to look it up, and from what I read it sounds like a safety net for her. I didn't respond because I have no idea what to even say, I know where I'm at emotionally with all this and currently there is no scenario that has me trying to save this marriage. Can any one of you help me out because I am more confused than ever.
I'm not sure what you mean by "safety net", but in general a legal separation is a means to split finances similar to a D without actually getting a D. What it sounds like to me is she's getting cold feet about the D, she's not sure she wants it anymore. My suggestion would be to ask her why she wants to pursue that instead of D, that you don't understand what she is getting at. Ask her if she would rather talk about it in person.
Holding, I'm indifferent on this, more confused than anything, why this, why now?? I know I have my beliefs on this but that would be more mind reading and we all know to not do that!
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I'm not sure what you mean by "safety net", but in general a legal separation is a means to split finances similar to a D without actually getting a D. What it sounds like to me is she's getting cold feet about the D, she's not sure she wants it anymore. My suggestion would be to ask her why she wants to pursue that instead of D, that you don't understand what she is getting at. Ask her if she would rather talk about it in person.
AS, meaning that we could split the finances and the kids and everything else but still remained married knowing full well I would accept her back when she finds out her fantasy life isn't so glamorous anymore! I don't feel that way currently. She is starting to face some money issues as I had my last check go into a different account, she needs to ask me for money to pay the bills and like I said she is having an issue securing her own mortgage for some reason. S17 doesn't want to live with her and S13 is starting to question that as well. Maybe she is getting cold feet but I don't feel the same towards her anymore. I will talk to her tonight to see what she's thinking. Thanks for the guidance.
Well, tomorrow's the day! Could be the end of my 25+ years with the woman I used to love, still do in many ways but her actions and hurtful words have made it almost impossible to ever have feelings for her the way I used to. It's very sad it has come to this but the prospect of what I have done for myself and my kids since BD in March surely light a new exciting path. Even though she reached out last week wanting to know if I would consider a "legal separation" over divorce has me still puzzled, we never talked about it(I let her know that I would) and she is in a mad scramble today to get some other things figured out financially as we need to let the lawyers know everything tomorrow. She will not approach me to discuss anything, I have made it clear I am willing to talk but nothing, I'm not sure why she feels this way, maybe her own guilt for what she has done is the reason but that would only be mind reading.
My kids are really struggling knowing that the life they once had will be vastly different soon, especially my s13! He's having a real hard time and my d11 doesn't want Christmas now! My W has done this to them and she has shown zero sign of even caring other than what she is doing! She is scheduled to move out on the 21st! 4 days before Christmas, I don't get it, guess I never will. Please give me the strength to get through tomorrow!
Stay strong for those kids. We may never understand why they are doing what they are doing and they may not either. You are doing a great job of detaching.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Just wanted to lend my support as well. It's also incomprehensible to me what my H is doing to my two boys. He seems completely oblivious to the damage. They don't really want to be with him right now either (mainly because of where he has chosen to live) but feel sorry for him so they go with him. I think it will take me years to wrap my mind around what has transpired these past few months. Be gentle with yourself. These are tough times, but you are definitely not alone!
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Thank you for the support and very kind words from all the advice I get. None of you will ever know how appreciative I am for being able to share my life with you.
A little update, we were in court yesterday and everything was going fine, we came to some sort of agreement on the kids, possessions and then we started talking money/debt to be exact. We agreed for the most part on who is going to pay what, that's when my W blew her top! She started accusing me of hiding money(my lawyer has all my bank records) and buying things for myself and not putting the kids first. She told her lawyer that our kids will now have an F'ning horrible Xmas because we can't buy gifts and so on..... The anger in her eyes actually had me concerned, I have never in 25 years seen this much anger out of her. I just sat back and let her vent, then her lawyer got in the mix and I had to defend myself, I will not be disrespected anymore as I have let this happen for far too long. I actually felt real good after knowing that my decision to detach and act as if I am moving on was the right decision.
My W then had to go in front of the judge and be sworn in to agree on the grounds for divorce and agree to the final day. She was crying while doing this and I had to walk out as I didn't need to be there. I got home last night and she was a completely different person, acting nice and talking to me about some Xmas presents for the kids and paying bills. Don't think I will ever understand what happened to her, don't really care too much, just want to make sure she will do her job as mom!
So, now I just got some real good news from work. My boss who has been unbelievably supportive of me through all this allowing me to take time off of work without using vacation days just presented me with a large pay raise!! It was a surprise as I have not been a good employee this year. THis raise will make way more comfortable financially, still need to make some cut backs but I won't be month to month keeping the home! Now the bad, I don't have anyone to share this great news with. My W would have been out of this world happy for me and us!
I can't believe your W can't wait until after xMas. Sounds like you're doing the best that could be expected. Try to keep a positive and happy attitude to pull your kids through the holiday season with you.
AS, meaning that we could split the finances and the kids and everything else but still remained married knowing full well I would accept her back when she finds out her fantasy life isn't so glamorous anymore! I don't feel that way currently.
Ah, I understand better now. It sounds like you're the one that wants the D and I get it, the same thing happened to me. At some point you want closure and to move on, and while it is "only a piece of paper" on the one hand, it can be closure as well if you are ready for that (which it sounds like you are).
Originally Posted By: dusty70
My W has done this to them and she has shown zero sign of even caring other than what she is doing! She is scheduled to move out on the 21st! 4 days before Christmas, I don't get it, guess I never will.
It is really, really tough on the kids, no question. But try not to assign blame, she is still their mom and they are very confused and upset right now. The last thing a kid wants to hear is one of their parents talking trash about the other (boy do I remember that hell all too well from when I was a kid). So try to support them, and if they start speaking negatively of their mom then try not to feed into it, but help remind them of her good characteristics. I know that is extremely tough to do feeling the way you do right now but it is the right thing for the kids.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I got home last night and she was a completely different person, acting nice and talking to me about some Xmas presents for the kids and paying bills. Don't think I will ever understand what happened to her, don't really care too much, just want to make sure she will do her job as mom!
I've talked about this on the forums before, but often the WAS will be mean/ angry towards the LBS because they actually think that's a good way to help the LBS move on. At some point when the pressure is removed they no longer feel the need to be ugly and they drop it. It may have taken D for her to see that it'll be over soon and drop the mean girl act.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
Now the bad, I don't have anyone to share this great news with. My W would have been out of this world happy for me and us!
And what are we, chopped liver? Congrats, that's awesome news!!
Congrats, that's awesome news!!