The other day W sent me a text that S17 didn't feel good and asked to not go to school, she asked me to call S17 to tell him he has to go to school. She doesn't want to do this as this will make her be the bad cop so I have always taken care of these issues. I simply responded that I was busy(at work) so you need to deal with, I received a not so pleasant response.
Dude if your W is anything like me, things are gonna get MUCH worse as she realizes you're not her errand boy any more.
I'll give you some homework. The next time this comes up, be direct: tell your W that you'll no longer do these things for her, and she needs to learn to handle them herself. The first time I did that was both terrifying and liberating.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dude if your W is anything like me, things are gonna get MUCH worse as she realizes you're not her errand boy any more.
I'll give you some homework. The next time this comes up, be direct: tell your W that you'll no longer do these things for her, and she needs to learn to handle them herself. The first time I did that was both terrifying and liberating.
This NGS thing is the exact reason I was unable to set boundaries early on and why I couldn't kick her out of the house the night I found out. I will be talking to her tonight as she scheduled something on top of my Divorce Care meeting. I had to mill last week for the same reason and I WILL NOT miss two weeks in a row. Our kids have activities they need to get to so she will either have to cancel her plans or have one of her family members drive the kids around. And yes, it is both terrifying and liberating!
So, upon reading another post on this site and the response form Sandi I have now realized that I have nice guy syndrome! I have suspected this for a few months now, guess I was in denial. Attempting to educate myself as to my faults in my M I came across a book on NGS, not only did I have a couple symptoms I had all of them!
It's not surprising, most of the guys that end up here have NGS. I think it's because 1) we really are nice so we want to save our marriages and thus we end up here and 2) part of NGS is passive/ aggressive tendencies which drives our wives away over the years and lands us in these situations. You mentioned a book, is it No More Mister Nice Guy? If not then do get that one too, it was my roadmap to recovering from NGS.
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This happened all the time, I avoided all conflict with her and usually lashed out and tried to manipulate her and my kids to get a result that I wanted. I did not do this intentionally, it's just how I was and still am.
Well the good news is this- as nice guys we really do want to do the right thing, and a lot of our negative behavior is because we don't know better. Our intentions are good, but our methods are not. But once we learn that what we're doing is wrong and hurtful, well it's not that hard for us to rewire ourselves and change our behavior.
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With that, where do I go from here?
Read NMMNG and work on the exercises in it. Be conscious of what you say and do at all times. STOP all passive/aggressive behavior. Say what you mean. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Be direct. Get ready to be surprised, you'll find people respect you much more and women will find you more attractive. There's really no downside!
Read NMMNG and work on the exercises in it. Be conscious of what you say and do at all times. STOP all passive/aggressive behavior. Say what you mean. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Be direct. Get ready to be surprised, you'll find people respect you much more and women will find you more attractive. There's really no downside!
AS...... Yes this is the book I am reading, in fact just started it for a second time. When I met with my IC the other day I was only a couple chapters in and I told her that this book was such an eye opener that I felt everything I have done since BD was all wasted because I didn't realize this about me. I've worked on all the stuff my W said was wrong with me(I agree with most of what she said) but I could see myself falling into the same patterns once my divorce is final because of NGS! I have a ton more work to do,
The last couple of weeks have been real good for me, reading about my nice guy tendencies and learning more about myself continues to be what is changing ME! My approach with everything I do is ever changing now and I notice the difference with how people interact with me, my kids are taken back a little as I am starting to set some boundaries that they are not accustomed to. W is starting to see this as well, she is definitely not used to hearing NO from me. Gotta stay strong, learning how to break from this "syndrome" will take some time.
D11 and S13 are starting to notice W's lack of care or involvement with what they are doing, they both come to me all the time now because wife is MIA somewhere as she doesn't inform them where she is going or what she is doing, this is way out of the normal for her. She continually puts herself first missing out on our kids activities and missed doctors appointments. I will need to keep a better eye on the this!
Now on to S17, I ended up having a talk with the coaches on his high school sports team before the team tryouts, he is one of the best players on the team but was removed from the team over the summer as he had a verbal exchange with the coach during a game. I informed the coaches that S17 intersected a text between wife and I about divorce months before we told the kids, the coaches showed some compassion and thankfully are giving him a second chance and my S was asked back!
Now the problem, I noticed he drank some of my bourbon that I had in the house, I confronted him and he told me the truth. He said he had a rough week with school and the tryouts and he felt stressed! I told him I understood how his week could have been stressful for him but drinking alcohol is not a good reason to relieve stress, I let him know that if he is having a rough time to come talk to me before he even thinks of drinking something. I will try this approach as sending him to a therapist may give him the thought that I don't want to deal with his issues( this is what W is doing with D11 and S13), that may be the wrong approach but I need to be there for my kids. If it doesn't work I will seek a therapist for him.
Dusty, I'm glad you're learning to fight the NGS side. It's hard work. I actually met with a NGS Meetup group over the weekend. It's an informal group, not an official thing. You might want to see if you have something similar in your area. One of the guys there, who's been in the group a while, said NGS is like being an alcoholic - you're never cured, and you have to continue to work on it the rest of your life.
Sorry to hear about S17. I think I remember you saying he's hit the bottle before. I don't think sending him to a therapist means you're not dealing with the issue. Think of it like supplementing the talks your having with him.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dusty, I'm glad you're learning to fight the NGS side. It's hard work. I actually met with a NGS Meetup group over the weekend. It's an informal group, not an official thing. You might want to see if you have something similar in your area. One of the guys there, who's been in the group a while, said NGS is like being an alcoholic - you're never cured, and you have to continue to work on it the rest of your life.
I realize now how this will take some time as every time I read the book I pick up on some things I didn't catch before. I wish I understood this about myself months if not years ago as I may not have been in this predicament. Then again, I do believe all things happen for a reason! I have also been in contact with a local NMMNG support group, looks like we will get together starting next month.
Originally Posted By: Holding
Sorry to hear about S17. I think I remember you saying he's hit the bottle before. I don't think sending him to a therapist means you're not dealing with the issue. Think of it like supplementing the talks your having with him.
Yes my son has done this before and my W swept it under the rug as I thought I had nipped this in the bud. After talking to my IC she basically said the same thing you did that I need to supplement what I am trying to do as his dad and have him go to an IC. My kids are screaming for one of us to be there for them(insert Lighthouse) My W hasn't been there at all for them so I am, wouldn't want it any other way. They are starting to figure out what is really going on here.
I'm just moving along with what I want to do nowadays, W is doing the same, not sure what she is doing but lately this seems to affect me because she goes out with friend(maybe) The reason this bothers me is because she is leaving our children by themselves, they have mentioned to other family members that "mom left us a gain and we were by ourselves" The losses for her as starting to occur because of her actions, S17 has flat out told her he will not live at her new house and will be staying with me and I just learned that he will not be going to W's family for Thanksgiving instead spending the day with my family. S13 is not happy and is struggling in school, something that has never happened with him. S13 told me last night that he misses his older brother and if he's not staying at mom's house then he isn't either.
My kids don't want to be around her, I have gone away for a couple weekends since BD(something I never did), when I'm gone the kids don't want to be in the house with her as W doesn't pay any attention to them, so they all scatter to hang with friends leaving W alone in the house. It almost seems as if she doesn't want her own kids at times.
I'm still attending Divorce Care, think there is 3 more sessiions, it's going good but the religion part is really starting to come in to play. I've been in contact with a NMMNG group that will be starting up in a couple weeks so I'm really looking forward to these meetups.
My divorce will be final right after the first of the year, I know this is supposed to be a marathon and take the time given but this entire process seems like it has been a sprint! My marriage of 20 years will be over soon and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around what all has happened, the lack of respect my W has shown to anybody related to me is at times too much to handle. She won't even look at my parents let alone say a word, this is the grandparents of her children yet she won't even acknowledge them with our kids around. I've seen MIL a few times since BD and I still call her mom and give her a hug, she asks how I'm doing and compliments me on my weight loss. I just don't get any of it.
GAL is ongoing, still working out 5/6 days a week and considering playing some hockey again, another activity I stopped doing years ago to raise my family. Along with the fitness and the support groups I attend I will have plenty of DIY house chores to do once she is out of the house which will be in a couple weeks.
Man has this been tough! Can't wait to just move on!
Man has this been tough! Can't wait to just move on!
dusty70,
Yes, going through the process of separation and divorce is surreal. But, I was divorced a little over a year ago, and I have to say, it does get better. I can see all sorts of opportunities and options opening up for me in the future. There are so many things to do and experience. You know that feeling you had when you were younger and about to go off to college or start a new career; there's a feeling of fun and adventure right around the corner.
Anyway, it does get better. Keep chugging along and things will improve.
I think I remember you saying he's hit the bottle before. I don't think sending him to a therapist means you're not dealing with the issue. Think of it like supplementing the talks your having with him.