EastTn You are spot on about me being the nice guy, I've always been this way. I have been trying to change and will continue but this has happened so fast I can't fix it all at once! Our conversation started out on a calm level until she erupted over me answering a question regarding the lawyers. I will be better prepared if this happens again! Thank you!
JoeJoe, I do have a lot of frustration and anger towards her as she destroys our family, I am 1000 times better than I was 6 months ago if you can believe that! I hate that my kids are affected by this, I will make sure that we have any discussions in the future more private to keep it from them! And I do have the "Lighthouse" I read it every other day, I am trying to be that for my kids.
Wife sent me a text stating that she found a home that she wanted to put a down payment on. She needs me to sign something(waiver?) allowing her to purchase this home using her retirement money for the down payment
Oh God, 2 weeks ago my STBXW did the EXACT SAME THING! It's starting to get really scary how similar our sitches seem. I know you've been off the board for a few weeks, but you might get a kick looking into my Part 4 thread to see how this played out in my sitch.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
I told her that I will not do anything until the lawyers figure out the distribution of money from these accounts. She then blamed me for dragging this out.
My STBXW lost her sh1t when I told her my L advised me not to sign the waiver. Now she's blaming me for keeping her a prisoner in the house and not allowing her to move on with her life. I'm telling you, our W's have the same divorce app.
Unlike some of the others here, I got the impression you handled the discussion about this fairly well. Your W seems to be the one who exploded, and I think you responded about as well as can be expected.
Dude, your future is out there. Find it.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
holding, Even though I haven't posted or put my two cents in other threads I have been reading including your sitch. So I am very familiar with what went on with your W and her desire to buy a home so I was ready for this from my W. Honestly I have no problem with her getting her own place but for her to use our shared money to do this absolutely not! That's why I attempted to explain to her that until the lawyers figure out the money I will not give her permission to put an offer on a home, much like you!
Originally Posted By: LH19
Originally Posted By: dusty70
My goal, I no longer am interested in saving my marriage.
I know you may feel that way today, but it doesn't mean you will feel that way in the future.
Don't burn any unnecessary bridges.
LH..... I understand this! Believe me I do, I have done just about everything I needed to do to save my marriage, some wrong, some right. I have bettered myself for myself to set me up for my new future, but with the level of betrayal from my W it makes it real tough to even consider being with her, can this change, maybe, we'll see. Our marriage will be over before the end of the year. I am doing my best to not burn any bridges, this is not a pattern of us, we usually can keep it nice towards each other.
You can be the lighthouse for your wife as well. I'm glad you are being one for your kids. That is great, but until you let go of that anger towards her, you will be held down. Let it go! It's hard, but it will allow you to see the situation and her actions for an objective point of view. You want be angry any more, you will feel emphatic for her and that allows you to lovingly detach. It's hard, but it has to happen. Let that anger go, for yourself.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thank you for that! I am trying! I have for the most part let my anger towards her go but there was a trigger Sunday night that set me back a little and then the talk yesterday. Again, I was the one who kept calm, I let her talk and answered her questions as necessary. My anger is a 180 for me as she always felt like she was walking on eggshells around me. Thanks again,
So, upon reading another post on this site and the response form Sandi I have now realized that I have nice guy syndrome! I have suspected this for a few months now, guess I was in denial. Attempting to educate myself as to my faults in my M I came across a book on NGS, not only did I have a couple symptoms I had all of them! My W and I early on in this sitch went to Retrouvaille, of course this was her attempt to say she tried to save the M but she was in denial as her EA and her PA had already started. During the retreat weekend we had to write down family of origins stuff, this is when I started to understand me and the type of person I was, just didn't know how it related to NGS.
I downloaded an audio book on NGS and listened to it, what and eye opener! I am the prototypical nice guy, I did everything to please my wife as I couldn't handle any sort of rejection on any level, that included bottling up my anger when something she did upset me. This happened all the time, I avoided all conflict with her and usually lashed out and tried to manipulate her and my kids to get a result that I wanted. I did not do this intentionally, it's just how I was and still am. I talked with my IC about this and she had me pegged for this the first day she met me but she wanted me to discover this. With that, where do I go from here? I have started to implement my change away from this behavior with my kids, my W, and whoever else I come in contact with, I need to learn how to say NO for starters, not and easy thing for me to do! I'm also looking to get involved with a NGS support group for men and to reconnect with some friends I used to play hockey with that I gave up on years ago.
You have done the hard part. You have done the hard part. You have recognized NGS. You have already done the second part, you started researching ways to fix it, and you have already bought books and listened to audio books.
Changing ones self is never easy. And people will be thrown off when they first see the new you. Some people will reject at first, but remember these changes are for you and not anyone else.
The big part I took from what I read about NGS is that, NG need validation from others. You don't need that anymore! You validate yourself and take care of your needs. You are doing great. Saying NO is always hard when you are use to saying yes, but saying no is for your health. You can't try please everyone without leaving yourself vulnerable.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
It's not a switch you flip, it's more like taking your first step on a new journey. I'm trying to find a local NGS support group too. Please share how that goes if you find one.
Good luck!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Great club to in! lol. I realize this won't be an overnight change, I have a lot of years to break down. The other day W sent me a text that S17 didn't feel good and asked to not go to school, she asked me to call S17 to tell him he has to go to school. She doesn't want to do this as this will make her be the bad cop so I have always taken care of these issues. I simply responded that I was busy(at work) so you need to deal with, I received a not so pleasant response. The more I get into this book everything seems to be getting a bit more clear for me. I have found a local group but the problem is they meet on the same night as the Divorce Care. Need to make a decision. I really wish I had this information years ago!
