From the other side of the mountain (pt.8)

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Those moments that you just decribed were the very things that kept me stuck for some time. Notice I did not say kept me standing.

I will try to explain it the best I can looking back, in a way you have to view that day as a temp/anchor check. You did not do anything wrong and gave off the fun vibe, but do not think for a second she walked away from it re-thinking her position because they just do not seem to think that way. It was a nice day and that's that .... if anything mine walked away from such days as 'look at that, we can get along just fine and co-parent'

I agree with bttrfly ... expectations at zero and see where things end up going .. she has to hit bottom before she can ever start crawling out of the hole.

[SBJ]

bttrfly/Cali...Thank you both for responding.

I totally agree with both of you guys. I was journaling, but at the same time it did kick me a bit. It shows me that the reality that I knew was real...real affection and kindness.

The judge has our paperwork this week. He should be signing off on it any day now. Ironically, our anniversary is this weekend...23 yrs married and 26 yrs together.

I wish I could sometimes just go emotionless...like the mlc'er. On the outside it sounds nice not to feel hurt, but I can only imagine that on the inside they are totally effed.

I read an interesting article on "projection" this morning. It helped remind me that what they are doing is projecting all of their past issues onto us and making us the fall guy for their unhappiness. It helps open the eyes a bit.

Cali, I also agree and understand about how some of them feel with regards to...'look at that, we can get along just fine and co-parent'. I have a friend whose W had a full blown affair and they were unsuccessful in working it out. We always see them around one another (for their kids). My W like the fact that they are "friends", but fails to hear his side of things. He cannot wait until his daughter graduates so that he doesn't have to spend so much time with his X. Either the MLC'er just doesn't understand it, or they just don't care anymore. Who knows?

[SBJ]

So funny story...my attorney had emailed me and then called me yesterday about getting a check and some forms signed and to her before the judge can finalize things. I told my attorney that I would drop them off yesterday after work. She relayed that to the opposing counsel. Well, less than 20 minutes later, I received a phone call from my W. She said that if it would help me, that she would be willing to come to my office and deliver the envelope to my attorney. Wasn't she being so nice and helpful?

I'm not one to lose my temper easily, so I simply said to her that "I have it under control", and thanked her for being so helpful. What a crock of $#!?.

How can I have all of these conflicting emotions going on inside of me at the same time?
1. anger at what she has done and is doing to me
2. hurt from what she has done to me and our kids
3. disgust at what I believe she has done
4. disappointment towards a woman that I truly believed in
5. happiness when thinking of our past
6. hope that she will come thru this
7. fear about the future
8. love for a woman that claims she is done
9. warmth from friends and family that have my back
10. confidence that God will guide me to where He wants me to be

>>>>>
The checks have been written. The asset allocation forms have been filled out, signed, and notarized. They are now in the hands of my attorney. The decree is just waiting on the judges signature. Kind of a dark week. And our anniversary is this coming Sunday. Not to many people can celebrate their anniversary with a divorce decree (sarcasm).

[AndrewP]

How can I have all of these conflicting emotions going on inside of me at the same time?

Because you are human.

And our anniversary is this coming Sunday. Not to many people can celebrate their anniversary with a divorce decree (sarcasm).

You'd be surprised. Originally I thought it would hit on mine for me. Just like my bomb day was essentially on my birthday.

[Sotto]

Hi SBJ, I'm sorry you are having a rough week. It is understandable your emotions are all over the place, and I think you are doing well to just move forward and be civil and reasonable.

When our D was finalised, I guess I always had a grain of hope that there might be an eleventh hour reprieve. And when it did finalise I felt some relief and sadness too. It was a weird feeling. But I have also been glad to be no longer married to someone else's boyfriend and the divorce did help me move forward - just knowing - this is no longer my H. It did help give me some closure, but then for me it did come at a later stage, almost two years after BD.

I must say, I do read along some, and I admire how you have handled yourself through this ordeal. From my own experience and with the passage of time, I have come to see that as the most important thing - that I can look back and not have significant regrets. It is a gift to ourselves.

I'm sorry for the timing of things. It is always an extra bite when things happen around a significant day. But I hope you will feel able to celebrate the real bits of your marriage that were good and keep moving forward. For me, I do find I am getting to the point (sometimes) that I can genuinely wish XH well and hope he finds peace and happiness - forgiveness in progress....

I'm sending my very best wishes to you

[OwnIt]

SBJ,

I almost think that is a blessing. It would be much worse to have to endure the wedding anniversary and then six months later the divorce anniversary. This way you can live through that period and then focus on happiness the rest of the time. Your wife is an idiot. You seem like a great guy and I am sure you have a wonderful life ahead of you.

[Gordie]

Well, the courts are closed on Sunday so it can't be on the same date, right?

I have so many of the same mixed emotions. Thank our for articulating them.

How is your training? How are th kids?

[bttrfly]

Hi SBJ
That's a lot to hold and I can honestly say, yes. Ive felt every one of those all at the same time as well. Part and parcel of this "process" ...

I too hoped and prayed for an 11th hour reprieve, as Sotto mentioned in her post. When it didn't come, there was a sense of relief in having the other shoe fall, but at the same time the hope being taken away was very sad. The acceptance of the situation and the, well - what is the best word? I'd have to say really relief that now something definitive had happened, there was legally no longer a marriage - that seemed for me to balance the power scales a bit. I don't think I thought of it explicitly in those terms at the time but here it is 8 months later and I can say that's really what I think was going on. For so long I had tried to dance to whatever tune he was playing; no sooner would I begin a waltz than he would change the rhythm to a bossanova or a cha cha - never a tango - that would require two people, you get the analogy. The puppet master had cut the strings with a legal divorce, at least that was how it seemed to me.

Others consider divorce merely a piece of paper. To me it signified a true end. There was and is a lot of grief to process, but ... there's peace. There is no longer a waiting for the other shoe to fall. There is no longer walking on tiptoes or being afraid to breathe lest you upset the delicate balance.

Most of all, there is no longer a need to live your life around the weakest link in the chain, the MLCr.

The loss of a marriage is difficult at any time, whether a day or two after a wedding anniversary or two days before Christmas. The 120 day mark for me (end of waiting period) was 12/21 but for some reason we weren't officially divorced until 12/23, which I didn't realize until March when I saw the actual decree.

The point is, this is now time for you to decide where you want to go from here. I'm so sorry it came to this, but remember how hard you fought and remember that God has plans for us that we can't even imagine. You know that song, "Thank God for unanswered prayers?"

xoxoxoxo

Have faith! {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[Treasur]

I hope for peace too, bttrfly. And I think the emotions are all 'normal', SBJ.

What bttrfly said about the dance feels right to me and the weakest link. The strain of living and adjusting to this horror happening to someone you love, your family, is incredibly hard. Like that old joke about hitting your head against a brick wall - nice when you stop!

[SBJ]

AndrewP, Sotto, OwnIt, Gordie, bttrfly, Treasur...
Hey guys, thanks for the words of affirmation, kindness and encouragement. I will keep everyone posted on things.

I did beer and wing night with 8 buddies last night...kind of a D support group. Nothing beats gourmet hot wings and beers. Not to change the subject from D, but here are a couple of recommendations. I know it'll sound weird, but there was a P&J hot wing that was incredible...kind of like a peanut Thai Spice with some sweet. Also two beers that caught me...Avery Coconut Porter (WOW) and Sweetwater Tripletail IPA (Great).

Back to the subject at hand...the emotional roller coaster is crazy for sure. I guess I am just worrying that since it will be legal then the curtains will fall and "if" she is still in contact with the OM, then it will be OK for that to come out into the open. I'm trying to get that out of the old noggin. It's not my circus, nor my monkeys, but it still keeps popping up in my brain.

OwnIt...you are right on all counts. Regarding this my wife is an idiot and I am a damn nice guy (haha). I agree that life in the future will be great...I have always had a positive vision of the future...it just always included her.

Gordie...the training is going slow. I have an impingement in my left shoulder that is killing me. A chiropractor friend has given me some exercises to do to heal and rebuild it. That has slowed my training to try and prep for the obstacles. My laziness has slowed my road work. Next week I will hit the roads daily and kick it in high gear.

The kids are great, but they don't know about the court dates. I have just asked them to keep their mother in their prayers when they are with me.

bttrfly, everything you have said makes total sense. I have ready from many different threads on here over the last year and the one thing that we all (the LBS'ers) have in common is that when we love...we are all in and love with all of our souls. That is good when things are going well, but when the BD hits it is hard for us, who are all in, to accept that someone else could only be halfway in. The last year has shown me that, even though we have had a wonderful marriage, she might not have been all in the entire time.

As for the song, Garth was hitting the peak of popularity when she and I began dating. She and I also used to travel across the state line (from TX to LA) because we were underage to dance and drink at the Longhorn Club in Starks, LA. We used to have the time of our lives. That being said, that was one of the songs we would two-step to almost every weekend, because he was so popular in the early 90's.

Treasur, it does feel that I have been beating my head up against a wall for the last year.

While I will never stop loving her, it is time to drop the rope and let her go. God knows the plans that he has for us so it is time to let him take the lead.