Nrthman, I am sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad GAL activities are becoming easier. My wife has BPD, so I know the difficulties of dealing with a spouse with mental illness. My suggestion is not to bring up depression. For one, she might resent you for suggesting it and might hiss through her teeth again. Mental illness is extremely complicated and as hard as this is, it is something she needs to work through. Also, you want to be very careful not to give the appearance that you think her depression led to the separation.
QUESTION??? How or should i even try to get the topic of depression into a conversation with the w
You absolutely don't touch that with a 10 ft. pole.
Stay the course and continue to work on you.
Originally Posted By: chanove
For one, she might resent you for suggesting it and might hiss through her teeth again.
This is how I see this playing out.
Originally Posted By: chanove
Mental illness is extremely complicated and as hard as this is, it is something she needs to work through.
Navigating this (for you Nrthman) is something you need to deal with in your counseling.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Woundedfool your right i was having one of those moments. Spent the day with the w for the most part things went good. Its the good byes that seem to go sideways.
I asked her if there was any thing i could do for her or if she had any concerns. She raised her voice in anger and repeatedly said i just dont know i just dont know. I changed the subject by saying smiles and laughs well together is a good start lets keep tring to have positive visits like that she drove away at that point.
WAW 5 months and counting. Very down hearted today. My w had some very good days with the kids and some quality time with me it ended 2 days ago.
No contact other then criptic texts to kids. Everytime things look like they are progressing we end up.....
I dont know what to say
Best weight loss plan ever!!! Dont like the pain in my chest or the upset stomach but the weight has really came off. I needed to loss weight i was 80lbs over weight for years. Im down 65-70 i weigh less then when we married 25 years ago.
I have stayed busy with GAL, riding my bike, walking, house projects.
As i mentioned before my wife and i did a lot of these together i miss my soul mate. When she left i did beg her to stay and i did most of the things your told not too.
One thing i didnt do was threaten to kill my self. But now i find that thought has crossed my mind this is not the type of person that i am.
This is one crazy road our family has decided to take
Is it temp checking if w stops bye and spends afternoon with family. Light conversation no mention of R. Eats with us then leaves for the night but mentions planning something for later in the week?
Im so confused im having panic attacks. Trying to do my own thing when she is around letting her and the kids have ttime together but she can be the wife i know and love one minute then the cold i dont love you i dont know what i want w the next.
So what do you think is my wife temp checking me on a grand scale??
Things have me dialed up so tight right now my kids are starting to ask me oif im alright. The want me to go see a doctor. So i guess im not even faking things that well...
Is it temp checking if w stops bye and spends afternoon with family. Light conversation no mention of R. Eats with us then leaves for the night but mentions planning something for later in the week
It's called eating cake. That's when she wants the best of both worlds (her family and the OM or whatever). The WW wants the benefits that come with being M to you, but she doesn't want to take responsibility. Make sense?
I wrote out a post to you earlier but somehow managed to lose it. I was pleading with you to see a doctor. You must find balance in your life during this time of heavy stress. Eat a good healthy diet, sleep as much as possible, excerices, be around people who are friends and care about you. Talk to your doctor about your suicidal thoughts.
For the sake of your sanity, you need a distraction from your crazy WW. Do not watch her. Do not examine every move she makes. This is probably not going to end for a long time, yet. Most WW's have to learn a few lessons and experience consequences due to their behavior. My suggestion is to drop the emotionally rope you have tied to her, and move forward making a life without her. Not what you want to hear, but this is serious when a man is having suicidal thought. There is life out there and the world will not stop spinning b/c your W decides to leave you. Put your needs first.....otherwise, you could end up losing your health, sanity, and maybe your life. It's time to protect yourself by getting away and staying away from her. You deserve much better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 thanks for the wake up call. I have made arrangements to see my doctor. My W from what I here from the kids doesn't engage her family much either. I believe just gets validation from MIL. She keeps insisting we are moving in the right direction. It just really affects me when I see the drastic change that can come over her. She says that these times with the family are helping her get past bad memories. Almost like she is DB me! The community we live in if she started to be social it would not be long before it got back to me.
I will try and limit contact with w. The worst part is usually the our time seem to be So positive it's just the good byes. I was hoping it was the push pull Thing I was reading about.
I just keep asking myself how could I have missed the signs!!! Time to GAL my bike is calling....
So gave it some though i can limit contact during the week but its her choice if she comes to church i guess i can limit conversation there.
Limiting contact is a part of the equation. Think of it like this: If you have ALWAYS went to church at 10:30am on a Sunday, stay with that routine. If she shows up, and sits by you...so be it.
But don't call and ask: "are you going to church on Sunday", or "well, see you on Sunday"
Its not about ignoring or shunning, it just about being "less available".
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How can i test the statment that this is actually helping her?
You don't, right now continue to focus on you.
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I have noticed a better connection with kids like i said in previos comments it seems to unravel near the end of visits..
Well, stop going down cheese-less tunnels: Once you notice some unraveling toward the end... start to do something different.
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I do not have blinders on i know there is a chance my w is a WW as explained by Sandi2 i just have seen no proof of it
How would it change your path if she was wandering?
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I would thing some signs would be evident she still seem so messed up and unkept. Overthinking again....
Ride on the bike did relax me need to continue with that!
Yes you are overthinking.... and YES the bike ride did clear your head. Do you see a connection why the GAL's are important?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Nrthman.....I am relatively new at this but I have learned that you can't be so emotionally tied to every move she makes. It will drive you crazy and it is emotionally draining. You really have to let it go and realize you just have to pull back, stop pursuing and eliminate all talks about your R or D. Most importantly you have to take care of yourself!! Talking with people who will listen unconditionally is a life saver and I also suggest spending hours reading the old posts on this forum from Sandi, Stander, TXHubby, Accuracy to name a few. The advice they give is priceless and has been invaluable to me. I know this place has saved me even if I can't save my marriage.
Just hang in there, the hardest part is detaching but it gets easier and easier every day. I don't ask my W where she is going, where she has been, if she is going to church, if she is going to soccer practice, soccer games, etc. We only talk about our kids and finances. To be honest it is hard to talk about anything else at this time unless she wants to drop the Ice Princess act. She is also the one that initiates contact about 95% of the time.
