since you're going out of town soon, I'll just note your comment about resiliency.
After seeing 3 of my closest circle of friends bravely face horrible challenges in the past 18 months (cancer, a double lung transplant and sudden loss of an child)
I think we are finding deep wells of resilience.
Sheryl Sandberg (CEO Facebook, who lost her husband unexpectedly) says resilience is like a muscle that we can use and strengthen.
I suspect both apply here, to you. And I don't have an opinion about what you "should" do, as long as you do what is needed so you don't have regrets later.
Regrets are so unproductive.
Anyhow, I'm Impressed.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Martin Seligman's stuff on resilience, which Sandberg uses, talks about the 3 Ps - Personalisation, how much you think it is your fault - Permanence, if you think it will always be this bad - Permeation, how much of your whole life/self is damaged or affected
Each of us bring our own baggage to this, I think. I've always been grateful that my H's behaviour has been so extreme and MLCish that I've rarely thought it was about me or even our M. At the same time, of course, I've reflected on the patterns in our M and how it might have been weakened or contributed.
I've found the permanence thing really tough because it has felt as if this crisis has gone on for a really long time. And the MLC timescales are depressing. But if I step back, I can see that things are not the same...some better, some worse, but not the same. I think detaching gives you the objectivity to step back a bit.
And how much of me/my life? Well, tbh, a lot and there are some lessons in that too, aren't there? Some of it is just practical...if the person you are emotionally, financially and legally sharing your life with blows up, then it affects a lot of things. GAL is about reclaiming and salvaging the bits of you and your life that don't have to be polluted by it, I guess.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I had a wonderful trip. Looking forward to our big vacay coming up soon. TBH, if I had taken this trip post-BD 3 years ago, I may have struggled and thought about H not being there. Now 3 years later, we went as an intact family, and I would have enjoyed it just as much had he not gone. Maybe more ... As I keep saying, I am completely detached. ... How to reattach, and if I am ready, well that is the thing I keep floating back to. That is why we need the piecers to keep posting. So that is some proof in the pudding that 1. you don't actually need your S, you just think you do, and 2. reattaching can be harder than detaching!
Thanks everyone for stopping by. I appreciate that you guys read my thread and find it helpful. And lots of good nuggets on resiliency that I will follow up on. I also need to catch up on your threads. ... The thing is tho, that part of my 180 and GAL requires me to step away from the computer! I have not been getting things done lately and I have been vegging out more than moving my body ... So I am gonna step away now and force myself off of screen time ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
If its any consolation, W and I had a pretty rough fight last week, to the point where I just felt absolutely no emotional connection to this woman. I'm sure the feeling was mutual.
I was pretty detached and really didn't even want to be around her. She stayed out and this suited me fine. I could care less if she was with OM at that point, that's how unfeeling I was.
In a couple of days, we started talking and settled down. Back to normal, however you define normal nowadays.
In my case, it always comes back around. It's rough and it feels AT THAT TIME that we're done. And I'm ok with it. I'm not scared and calling family, posting, whatever. I'm a big boy now and I can handle it.
Its a good feeling....its an unusual feeling, but one we have to get used to. And that's also ok!!!! Its nice not being scared anymore.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Blu, just curious - what does this look like in spending time with your H? Are you affectionate or do you keep your physical distance?
It's hard for me to picture having the detached attitude and also having a pleasant time. How does it work?
(And just in case, there's a total lack of sarcasm in my inquiry. I can't picture how you interact!)
Oh I don't mind sarcasm anyhow :-) I am not sure what we look like to others. If you saw us in public we look like a normal family, whatever that means. My kids have def commented that we are not affectionate in general. That's accurate, but also has partly always been that way because I am not a touchy-feely type person.
I think most of our day to day interactions are cooperative and friendly. I def have more moments of impatience and irritability than he does, whereas he is more of an avoider and will leave the room. We do gripe and look like an old grumpy couple often.
We still have bursts of laughter, flirtation, and attraction. Those are the moments that keep me going and hopeful that things can be better one day. We were doing one of the Retrouvaille post-sessions and would side eye each other and then laugh at the same time. It happened partly because we are both simultaneously acknowledging how ridiculous we can be. This sense of humor keeps the energy light and keeps us going for sure!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
If its any consolation, W and I had a pretty rough fight last week, to the point where I just felt absolutely no emotional connection to this woman. I'm sure the feeling was mutual.
I was pretty detached and really didn't even want to be around her. She stayed out and this suited me fine. I could care less if she was with OM at that point, that's how unfeeling I was.
In a couple of days, we started talking and settled down. Back to normal, however you define normal nowadays.
In my case, it always comes back around. It's rough and it feels AT THAT TIME that we're done. And I'm ok with it. I'm not scared and calling family, posting, whatever. I'm a big boy now and I can handle it.
Its a good feeling....its an unusual feeling, but one we have to get used to. And that's also ok!!!! Its nice not being scared anymore.
Storm, I could write the exact same thing as you did! When things go sour or we get into arguments, I do not feel fear and anxiety, however I almost become immediately shut down and detached. I feel as if I am okay with it ending right then and there. It can happen fast too. It's hard to describe. Then things settle down. Perhaps it is protective mechanism we have developed from the trauma? Either way, I do know that if this M didn't work out, I would be fine. ... I mean we all will, we just have to get to the point of believing it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. These boards got me through many painful and hopeless days. I have learned so much from these people here and I feel that sharing my story is the least that I can do to show my appreciation. I also very much believe in the philosophy of MWD and her teachings. If I could--coulda shoulda woulda--go back in time, I would have handled things so differently. At the moment of bomb drop, I would 100% have DB'd his arse! ... I actually replay that moment in my mind with this perfect poker-face and matter of fact response ....
Maybe next time--HA!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
If I could--coulda shoulda woulda--go back in time, I would have handled things so differently. At the moment of bomb drop, I would 100% have DB'd his arse! ... I actually replay that moment in my mind with this perfect poker-face and matter of fact response ....
Maybe next time--HA!
Blu
Oh GOD - I thought I was the only one that has played out that scenario about 1000 different times!!!
Obsess much, Storm? lol
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
