I was served divorce papers

[Jim1234]

If he wanted a lawyer-free divorce, he shouldn't've hired one. He won't see it that way, but that's on him. Just because you saw a lawyer doesn't mean you have to litigate. Mitigation is in many ways a better route, as litigation is set up to be an adversarial confrontation, whereas in mediation, you are working together to come to a mutually agreeable solution.

In my case though, mediation devolved into "my lawyer said I could get this much in alimony and child support, so that's the minimum I'll accept," so be careful you don't go down this route, or mediation will be a waste of time and money.

That's good; give him space to have his feelings. Let him sort them out. Don't read too much into it, but sitting near you is not a bad sign.

[Cali]

Thank you. I'm meeting with a lawyer soon to discuss. I let the lawyer know up front that I'm hopeful for reconciliation. I'm thinking that after I have this meeting, H will ask me what he talked about, what I will agree to now, a timeline, etc. I'm focusing on staying calm, letting him share thoughts, but am struggling with thinking about responses when the time comes.

[Cali]

I received docs from H's lawyer to produce my bank account statements. I'm worried that H will see my purchase of DB's coaching. I know it does not say Divorce Busting (i.e. states as MWD Training Corp or Michele Weiner-Davis), but he could probably look these up and figure it out.

[RR17]

If he is researching every little purchase, H is not done.

It's when they detach 100% that you are nearing the end.

[Treasur]

And if they are in MLC/depression, folks aren't good with detail or memory. Wouldn't worry about it. If he asks, you can just say that it is about finding a calm detached way to deal with the sitch.

[Treasur]

Oh, and change your user name or details if you think it makes you too easy to identify?

[25yearsmlc]

I received docs from H's lawyer to produce my bank account statements. I'm worried that H will see my purchase of DB's coaching. I know it does not say Divorce Busting (i.e. states as MWD Training Corp or Michele Weiner-Davis), but he could probably look these up and figure it out.

I would not worry at all about the DB purchase. No judge will see it as an extravagance. I think it'd reflect well on you.

Are you saying your h would then come here, or read into your purchase as a form of pursuit?

[25yearsmlc]

ps


reviewing financial disclosures is something we are all supposed to do in order to divide assets. Look for patterns of withdrawals or unexpected odd purchases to check BS buys, or cash amounts, etc.

This is supposed to be unrelated to wanting/not wanting the D.

We all need to have our eyes open & focus as well as possible for this. It's emotionally too hard for some couples - so they let the L's do it for them. Thats very expensive.

Plus, the LBS knows the WAS more than anyone, and its best we read thru them as carefully as possible.

I found fresh painful discoveries in my h's disclosures.

But if I put my head in the sand and hide from the painful parts, I'd be doing the same thing I did in my marriage! Its part of why I'm here.

This is the most important financial transaction of your life.

It deserves your total focus. Read noting into his choices and everything into the numbers on the pages...

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you. I'm meeting with a lawyer soon to discuss. I let the lawyer know up front that I'm hopeful for reconciliation. I'm thinking that after I have this meeting, H will ask me what he talked about, what I will agree to now, a timeline, etc. I'm focusing on staying calm, letting him share thoughts, but am struggling with thinking about responses when the time comes.

Share as little as possible about what your L tells you. Don't be rude, but don't overshare.

When a L says you "can get X" that's not the same as saying you will. And it usually requires a L to get the max b/c NOT getting/giving the max is what mediation is about.

Giving up things on both sides.

I'm a L and not trying to push you towards a Divorce, I'm pro marriage.

(Can't find or recall your original storyline, btw. It would help me a lot).

But when a man says he wants a divorce, preferably a divorce without Lawyers, you are forewarned that he has something he does not want scrutinized.

Also, I detest throwing out the "there must be an A!!" line,

but if you yourself are not denying him intimacy and you were not fighting a lot,

(not now, but before)

and he wants out - and he wants it soon - and he wants no lawyers involved, this all raises the odds that he wants No deep delving into his plans because he has a secret of some type.

I'm sorry to say that, I know it hurts. I filed for divorce not knowing there was an OW, but b/c of other deal breakers.

So Keep your shields up. Arm yourself with knowledge and don't give it all up.

Your h has seen a L and that means HE KNOWS the amount he could have to pay. And now HE is pushing for mediation. He wants to pay you less.

In CA & Texas, where I'm licensed, the tendency is that the higher income earner (who would have to pay spousal support)

is the one to push for mediation. They know the potential they'd have to pay and they want it lowered.

And if there is an A, the higher earner/WAS knows that settling things before the discovery of an affair, is good for THEM.

Sorry if I sound cynical, i don't mean to. I'm basing this on years of experience here and in real life, and as a L who handled a few divorces.

A man who seeks a divorce from a basically good wife, is statistically far more likely to be having an affair, than not.

The odds of a WAW having an affair are less than WAHs, but still remains a deciding factor. (I filed for divorce and I did not have an A, for instance).

Check yourself for what you'd accept in the event that there is NO affair and

then, check yourself for what you'd accept in the event that there IS an affair/Partner.

If the numbers are the same, then you have clarity. His choices are truly irrelevant.

But If the number you have in mind would change if your h is having an A, then try to get that amount.

It's not "ugly" of you to want what you are entitled to by law. But mediation helps the payor the most, and reduces all around legal costs. That's not always what the lower earner wants or needs, however.

If you two spend $10k more in legal fees, to get a settlement that's fair to YOU, do it.

Not sure how long your m is, (please use the signature block to give us a summary of your story b/c I don't see any more info)

or kids (child support) but this is important.

I have 2 family members who reconciled after their divorces. Not just after the filings, but after the whole thing was finalized.

Both took a few years (My aunt/uncle recon after a family event, 5 years after their divorce). My cousin took 3 years and the second time around was better for both couples.

So it happens. But YOU will be less interested in a recon if you feel screwed in the divorce.

Long term - protect yourself. Short term, protect yourself.

If there are kids, protect them from a man willing to blow up his family --.

When you behave warmly with confidence and keeping calm, you're on the right path.


Check the numbers in your head. Would you want more if you knew your h was going to be spending money on an OW? What if he already has?

I'm asking you to ponder that for a few minutes.

Sorry you are here.


((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

the longer the marriage, the longer spousal support is paid,

but again, I don't have your statistics and backstory.

Just generally speaking...