Tread, you're angry and that's understandable. As I understand sandi2's comments - sandi2 help? - it's about life giving her losses rather than punishment.
You can't control what your W is doing. But she is also always going to be the mother of your son.
What are your goals now Tread? Why did you come to DB? How will this help in the longer-term?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Not sure how telling the truth is a punishment. I would want someone to warn me that someone was trying to destroy a MR in my family. Your right, I Can't control my W. And she will always be the mother of my child. But that doesn't give her a pass.
My goal for DB'ing was to get my MR back on track. But instead of learned to become a much better person. And achieved several goals so far and already planning on new goals to meet. And right now my W seems so small with all her trifling ways. If things were to suddenly get back on track. I am not really sure how my W would fit into my world. Not even sure if I would want to share any of it with her.
Sad to admit that, but I am very active and W wants to sit on her butt. She tried to come off like she is the one who goes out. But she'll go out to drink on occasion, but other than that. Her idea if excitement is sneaking off into the bathroom to text with OM. Which is pitiful and sad to see my W lower herself to such a level. But that is the choice she made.
As for how this helps in the ling term. I call it peace of mind knowing that I gave out the warning. What they do with that information is on them. From that point, I will simply move on into my new life.
It does sound a bit like throwing a hand grenade before you move on to your new life, Tread, and knowing that others will be caught in the explosion? Maybe one of the guys here can help,
Is that who you want to be? Will more pain help? How do you feel about your anger right now? What are you most angry about and with whom?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
It does sound a bit like throwing a hand grenade before you move on to your new life, Tread, and knowing that others will be caught in the explosion?
^^^Yup.^^^
The world doesn't care about affairs, they happen day in and day out. Everyone is numb to them. You expose an affair and most people are likely to think "so what". But sending those letters out will likely backfire and make everyone think that YOU are the one with issues.
Can't help but agree with everyone saying "don't do it." That said, I'd probably tell OMs W just because she deserves to know what's coming. Don't expect her to thank you for it.
So what should I do, sit back and watch my W manipulate good people? Other than being passive, I have yet to hear on solutions to this problem. My W is literally launching rockets with her behavior. And the worry is a grenade? Other than W and OM who will be affected by this decision. S13 knows his mother is a cheater, he just doesn't know how bad things are.
OM relatives will be the one finding out. And these folks are very religious. Several preachers with wives who frown heavily on this behavior. The only person I see suffering is W when her misdeeds and plotting are discovered. I told my W long time ago that her choices will have consequences. And she laughed it off. So if there are no consequences doesn't that just give her reason to continue on with this behavior?
There are checks and balances in life. And everyone around my W is suffering on some way, while she continues to do her dirt without a care in the world. As far as the letters backfiring. I will likely not even really associate with these folks afterwards. So that will be my good deed for them before moving on. This has nothing to do with anger, but about what is right and wrong. I still have a few months to think about this. So nothing is set in stone. People do bad things, because the so called people sit back and say nothing.
I've gotta ask: Is this your "fixer" side trying to "help" these people solve their problem, or is this just you being pissed off and wanting to blow up OM and W for what they've done to you? If it's the former, isn't that behavior you've rejected and are trying to fix? If it's the latter, I TOTALLY get that, and it'll probably feel good when you do it... but then what? This isn't going to bring any kind of lasting satisfaction, and you might end up regretting it after you've done it for a multitude of reasons.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. If you tell OM's W and she wants to drop that grenade, fine. But why put that on yourself?
Ok, Tread, if you tell his W (assuming she doesn't know), she is going to be devastated. If you tell other people, you are robbing her of the right to CHOOSE for herself how she deals with being made to join this horrible club we're all in.
I wouldn't wish some of the pain we've felt on anyone. The idea of feeling publicly humiliated and having to deal with a whole set of other people's emotions and opinions before I'd even had time to catch my breath and realise my whole life had just blown up? Horrific. Please, please don't do this. It's just adding s**t to s**t.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I'm with the others on here, Tread. I think you are coming from a place on anger. Yes, right is right, and wrong is wrong, but I think your blowing up other lives is going to hurt you more than anyone in the long run. I am saying that not from a critical place, b/c believe me, I get it. I think we all do. Hate and ugliness have caused a lot of things to happen in the world, but I can't think of a single example where they have made things better, for anyone. Love always wins. So does taking the high road. You are bigger than this situation. Time will work out the pain and consequences of others' actions all without your help. Just be good to you, and think long and hard before you act on this. I think 5 years down the road, you will feel very differently about all of this.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
It's probably more of my fixer mentality than anger. I told OM W days after I confronted him. And be refused to need my warning to back off. So his W knew about the A. But OM is claiming that it is over with and there is no communication with my W. So she is going walking with the lie of her serial cheating H. Which is fine by me if she choses to stick her head in the sand.
Not really seeing how this hurts me. And no one has yet to explain that one. Also what I am hearing is allow my W to manipulate good people and ruin other lives. And allow my W to maintain this sweet innocent image of the W who left her horrible H. Then out of nowhere found love with her "friend" and lived happily ever after due to her deception. Sounds as if you all want me to sit back and go along with the plan? Because this is what my W is thinking and hoping. Which is why our closest friends have backed away from her.
Even though in truth, OM will never leave his W. All the women he has cheated with have been dumb enough to leave their H for him. And they are all regreting it. But my W will do whatever in an attempt to make this happen. Thinking this is all somehow God's plan...smh
I'll strongly consider everything you all have said. But sitting back and justvallowing things to happen is why my W living on this fantasy. She has yet to hit that wall called reality.
