If you are in America you can usually require a drug test for the other parent to exercise visitation.
I have a childhood friend with drug problems. As far as I know, she lacked a criminal record, but somehow her ex h made it a requirement for both of them to take drug tests in order to see their son unsupervised. She refused.
She did not see her son for 10 years...
So even without dragging in the cops, I would think this information given to your lawyer (the unexplained ATM withdrawals in weird areas and his behavior and sleep patterns, and more, etc) would greatly assist you in protecting your son.
So that's one big thing you may be able to shelve. Also, i'm 57 and realizing that at some point in the past, my h wasn't really in our m.
I do understand wondering about ourselves, our Identities, and the self doubt.
More later...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was told by attorney that she did not think judge would mandate drug tests, because I had no other proof. I have never seen STBX inebriated in any way. (he simply was not around) and the missing money could be attributed to prostitution or gambling (which i doubt) etc.
I am also not looking to deprive ex of visitation with son. My son adores his father and the more they see each other, the better for both of them. Ex will be more willing to help son out financially if he is part of his life. He might have more of an incentive to work torwards sobriety (if it is in fact a drug issue) for his son. Son needs special memories with his dad. He deserves some sort of relationship with him and right now STBX is capable of something. Who knows about the future.
I do not want to be punitive. I do not want to humiliate or embarrass ex. But I do want to know son is safe. Ex has agreed that all overnights would have his mom present. From what I gather through son, my ex MIL does most of the care taking and STBX takes him on outings.
BUT IS THIS ENOUGH? If its a drug issue, I know it will go downhill. What do I need in place for the future? I am talking to social workers and drug counselors and my lawyers and none of them seem to really have an answer for me.
Some people tell me to try to get back that depletion of marital assets. Im up and down about it.
Im up and down about STBX. Drug addiction is a disease. Its physiological. Some times i view him as this villain that took away resources from a child, and severely psychologically abused me through gaslighting, blame, deflection, and irrationality. Other times I view him as someone that is diagnosed with AIDS or Alzheimers. Was he always this narcissitic or was it drugs? I dont know who he really was either.
It's hard because I have so many mixed feelings. If I had discovered an affair I would have hated ex. I would have acted fast and probably been a bit spiteful and vengeful. I never would forgive him. I would have been back at the gym full force with a brand new wardrobe to boost my ego.
My ex treated me really bad in order to hide and deny his addiction. He neglected his son and continues to seek to maintain his resources for himself. He always had an addictive personality. He was not someone that was able to handle discomfort. Physically and I guess emotionally. I am really mad at this. It's not right and it's not fair.
But I have empathy. These drug companies stocked up pharmacies knowing they were pushing a highly physiologically addicting drug on the market. (There are class action suits currently being pursued as well) Doctors prescribed drugs meant for terminally ill cancer patients to pts with back pain like candy. It's disgusting and a big epidemic.
At the same time I don't want to enable, I also don't want him moving forward to cheaper drugs.
He hasn't been himself these past several years. And I dont know if it's because he's a selfish narcissist or if it's because of what drugs did to him.
At one time, he greatly loved me. He would run out and buy me tampons when I needed them for Gods sake! He researched the hell out of proper swaddling techniques when our son was an infant and he figured out the simple reason as to why I was having trouble nursing (when breast feeding consultants couldnt). He was the one crying when our son was one and they had to draw his blood.
He was in debt. He never asked anyone for help. He had access to all of my money and he never took it. Instead he took high amounts of money out of his IRA to pay off debt. That would only happen with someone that had no control
He was deeply ashamed and needed to deny and blame our marriage. I think he was provoking fights because having a way to end the marriage was an easier way them to admitting what really happened.
I don't want to handle this situation cruelly or punitively. Or in a way that makes me right and him wrong.
He was so so so wrong and cruel these past 5 years, but he wasn't always like that. I don't think he was anyway.
I have my answers right now. But it's a bad answer. He still wants to deny and ignore.
I can use the courts to push for more. But at what cost?
On one hand my son might have some more resources. As his mother, I should push for this. Its the right thing and its his fathers responsibility. Im the single mom taking on tons of resppnsobility. I was deprived of the chance to own a home and have an asset to retire with. I was deprived of the opportunity to have a much wanted second child. I dont want to enable. I'm a classic bleeding heart and im getting taken advantage of. He has had the upper hand before this discovery because legal bills are so high. Now I have the upper hand legally. He was going out to sone very expensive restaurants in 2016. That's not fair.
On the other hand this comes with more conflict, humiliation, and God knows what else. He's building up debt again. He can't sustain this. Long term he will not do well. Not if what everything is being pointed too is true.
I am rambling because I am greatly conflicted about how to proceed. I have always had trouble making decisions and this is an awful one to have to make.
I am so depressed, I don't want to get out of bed and face anything any more. Thank God for work and my son or I would be locked up in my bedroom.
One minute I think "it's just money. Won't even be a huge amount (but definatly helpful and money thats not being given to a dealer) and won't necessarily even be recoupable"
And then on the other hand i just want to mvie forward and have things conflict free.
I am sorry you are feeling so depressed right now. If it wasn't for my daughter I probably wouldn't leave the bedroom either. Our kids really are angels.
I know your decision on to whether or not to get more money is weighing on you. Have you asked the lawyer how much it would be? I do believe you need to weigh the benefit. Sometimes you can't put a price on piece. If it is truly a life altering amount, I would say go for it. But if it's a few extra bucks in the pocket, I would probably let it go. I have been letting it go for years. I could probably get like $50 more bucks a month but it isn't worth it to me.
No decisions need to be made now. But the decision needs to give you some peace.
Technically, it is a significant amount that he would owe. Its all a matter of perspective though, but what he would owe me by splitting the depleted marital assets would pay a 20% down payment on a home here. Or a nice portion of sons college. It [censored] because all this money going to drugs could have paid for a home here and a really comfortable mortgage! And that's just from a 3 year point. I don't have financials beyond that.
I do have to consider the following:
The cold Practical stuff:
1. If I pursue, I would change lawyers. Litigation costs are high and negate some of what i would have the possibility of obtaining. So may not be a down payment. And probably stretched out over the next bunch of years.
2. There is also the issue of will he even be able to repay if it is mandated. If he has an addiction (and it really truly seems to be the case) I don't see how he can sustain a job for much longer. I don't know how much longer his health will hold out. There is currently no money, as he is building up credit card debt again (blames it on child support) He withdrew high amounts from his retirement account and yet lives with mom and earns 6 figures. But this shows me he is most likely still purchasing some expensive stuff.
Some people think he is not using drugs, but hiding money. If this was the case, I would pursue legally. But the fact that he has cc debt, and withdrew from IRA, and lives with mom seems to indicate something is up. (unless he is a manipulative master mind and hates me that much )
Sad Emotional stuff
1. I still care about him. Obviously, There is no chance of reconciliation. But I am not looking to do things to further stress and downward spiral. He obviously has some pretty bad demons he is dealing with.
2. This will prolong mental agony for all of us. Heres the crazy thing...He gets annoyed that I am taking so long BUT HE HAD SO MANY DAMN SECRETS!!!
3. I am worried that I am constantly giving in and giving in and giving in. GIVING IN COMES AT MY EXPENSE AND THUS SONS EXPENSE. I have an obligation to secure resources for son. He has been extremely selfish regarding resources. WHen I confronted him he actually said "I provided and made sure everything was paid off. Its my money I can spend it anyway I want" THIS WAS NOT TRUE. HE MOVED IN WITH MY PARENTS FOR A YEAR.
Technically, it is a significant amount that he would owe. Its all a matter of perspective though, but what he would owe me by splitting the depleted marital assets would pay a 20% down payment on a home here. Or a nice portion of sons college. It [censored] because all this money going to drugs could have paid for a home here and a really comfortable mortgage! And that's just from a 3 year point. I don't have financials beyond that.
I do have to consider the following:
The cold Practical stuff:
1. If I pursue, I would change lawyers. Litigation costs are high and negate some of what i would have the possibility of obtaining. So may not be a down payment. And probably stretched out over the next bunch of years.
2. There is also the issue of will he even be able to repay if it is mandated. If he has an addiction (and it really truly seems to be the case) I don't see how he can sustain a job for much longer. I don't know how much longer his health will hold out. There is currently no money, as he is building up credit card debt again (blames it on child support) He withdrew high amounts from his retirement account and yet lives with mom and earns 6 figures. But this shows me he is most likely still purchasing some expensive stuff.
Some people think he is not using drugs, but hiding money. If this was the case, I would pursue legally. But the fact that he has cc debt, and withdrew from IRA, and lives with mom seems to indicate something is up. (unless he is a manipulative master mind and hates me that much ) he does not have to hate you (but he may right now) to justify theft to "protect HIS MONEY"...He rationalizes or hides from far more than you realize. Please protect yourself and your son.
Sad Emotional stuff
1. I still care about him. Obviously, There is no chance of reconciliation. But I am not looking to do things to further stress and downward spiral. He obviously has some pretty bad demons he is dealing with. 2. This will prolong mental agony for all of us. Heres the crazy thing...He gets annoyed that I am taking so long BUT HE HAD SO MANY DAMN SECRETS!!! yes I understand your view. Totally
3. I am worried that I am constantly giving in and giving in and giving in. GIVING IN COMES AT MY EXPENSE AND THUS SONS EXPENSE. yes it does - there is zero benefit to giving in, that i can see I have an obligation to secure resources for son. He has been extremely selfish regarding resources. you have some answers here^^^. NOT easy at all, but not complicated...
WHen I confronted him he actually said "I provided and made sure everything was paid off. Its my money I can spend it anyway I want" THIS WAS NOT TRUE. HE MOVED IN WITH MY PARENTS FOR A YEAR.
well, then he's either spending it on drugs AND OR hiding it. And justifying it...
Legally & strategically I'm not sure what your question is. How is doing nothing in your son's or your interests?
Emotionally, I do understand your dilemma...the past, the present and the future and how to see them all...
When my T asked me what I wanted out of therapy, I finally said "I want help accepting that my m is over, and move forward in a healthy way..."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
