I believe I have just been inspired to go buy some new underwear later today.😁 We men tend to wait to buy new ones when it's absolutely necessary. But with this weight loss, I am get a few new pairs along with a new belt.
oooh, Tread...I like those David Beckham style 'jewel huggers'...do not be tempted into novelty patterned underwear and I suggest you avoid satin or sequins unless you're planning a new career!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Was responding to your comment about emotionally healthy...don't have a relationship history of dramatic divas! (Is there a male version of diva or same term, don't know)
Very odd but tonight for some reason, first time in ages, I can feel my H's presence. Get that now and then. It's hard loving someone and knowing you have to let them go completely.
Three days now. No response to £ agreement so looks like he's back to silence again as it's a pretty simple thing. Yes or alternative or go to Court. Only 2 steps left really. Agreement and then he can apply for the Absolute which will suddenly appear on my door mat. Even a few months ago he said it was inconceivable that this is where we are. It is...but he created this final chapter. So sad. Such a waste. I have no idea how this feels good to him. Strange.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I love throwing things away (well giving them to a friend or Goodwill anyway).
You cracked me up with the new profession line to Tread. Just reading Tread talk about buying underwear was somewhat risque.
I don't even know how you can think of a FWB. I am terrified of disease. I don't think I'll ever be able to do the nasty with another person ever again. And certainly not with a FWB.
I picture some bookish guy with a heart of god. Tall and broad shouldered would be nice. I think I'll have to trip over him though.
I like smart men, have a weakness for green eyes, dark hair, nice forearms, physically confident. Like my very first teenage love actually. Not much like my STBXH! Not keen on beards.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Gosh, just had one of the moments when the grief grabs you. Almost 2 years on I really have no idea what happened to my H, why in God's universe he would be choosing to be anywhere else but here with me.
I know if he walked in the door right now he wouldn't look or sound like my H. Dead eyes, cold voice, rigid face, different clothes. He's a stranger now.
Such mixed crazy emotions and two years of madness. I don't understand it much more than I did 22 long months ago. I've just learned to accept and keep going. Sometimes I think the closest to how I feel as if he killed himself. Questions, no answers, knowing depression took him, yearning, anger, knowing in his right mind he would never have chosen this for me or him, knowing he chose to go.
On the bright side, now I can cry for a bit, shake it off like a wet dog and press on. A year ago I'd have been hiding under the duvet or rocking backwards and forwards!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
We use a gmail calendar to share info about where we are to avoid bumping into each other by accident. My H is at our old house today. No idea why. It hurts me to be there. He avoided it and seemed to find it distressing for about 18 months. In the last couple of weeks he has texted saying is it ok if he goes there to 'air' the house....?
There is a bit of me which is exasperated because it would be more useful if, instead of 'airing' a house that is up for sale, he spent time on doing the long list of other tasks he's been not doing. Buying a replacement watch. Packaging up things that he was required to return to me months ago. Responding to the £ agreement. Nope, he's 'airing' instead...It is hard looking from the outside to see much sense in many of his actions from the beginning really.
I have no idea why he would have had the kind of emotions in January that would make him throw a 3k watch into the Thames, or what kind of emotions you'd have to do that. Some kind of anger, I guess. A year after he ran away and stopped talking to me. After 14 months of psychiatric care. 9 months after starting to see OW. 4 months after he had seen me. 3 months after any direct contact with me. A few weeks after he had filed for D. Crazy.
I'm struggling today. Not sure why. I read on another thread about the idea of a Pendulum, part of that agonising rumination we all do when we wonder if the person we knew was real, or if this is the real with the mask off. Someone suggested that MLC works like a pendulum, that the person we knew was at one end of the swing but hiding/avoiding bits of themselves. MLC sends them to the opposite end of the pendulum swing. Ideally they reach a mid point eventually between the two.
The biggest struggle for me in this is why he has seemed to need to hurt me and make things harder for me. Less spew than some, but using silence and inaction to erase me and control things. I suppose if I look at it - without mind reading why - my H felt that he couldn't do/be what he felt he needed with my presence in his life. No idea why. Maybe blame, or me representing something. I've even wondered if in his head our M was like an addiction somehow, that he had to go 'cold turkey' and obliterate it so much that he could never let himself drift back. Ah, truth is, I don't know. I do know that it is bewildering when someone you love and trust erases you from their life and never tells you why.
I miss him so much, but I also know that he is a stranger now. A strange stranger too! I don't know what he thinks or feels. I find it hard to believe that after 20 years someone never thinks of you at all or has no feelings walking away, even a little. It would make such a difference to me if he had just written me a letter that said some nice things about me and our life together. Sigh.
But I also know that right now, based on what I can see from his actions, he will just hurt me and NC is better for me. D will be better for me because there will be no links left. It makes no sense to me that, after almost 2 years, he isn't 'better' if getting rid of me was the solution (and I quite unreasonably hate his posh psychiatrist but find it worrying that H recently admitted in an email to his own L that he forwarded to me that he lies to his psychiatrist too...) I can see from his behaviour that he is not yet calm, well and happy. If he were, he would act differently and make things more straightforward in the D process. I don't know why no one else who is in his life - including the psychiatrist - isn't suggesting that after 2 years of treatment and buckets of ADs, if he is still making such a god-awful mess of things in his life, practical rational consequences of what he says he wants, something about the treatment isn't working... To be fair, he lies and hides so he is possibly not communicating honestly with anyone as he would have done with me in the past.
I resent this last 2 years of madness in my own life. I do blame his choices for some of it, but not all of it. I had other losses too and I let myself get stuck in limbo for longer than was good for me. But I also feel huge compassion and sorrow for the chaos he has created for himself. Sometimes, like now, I can almost feel him hurting. Odd kind of link we used to have that nips back in now and then.
I know that right now there is nothing I can do pretty much about any part of my life that still involves him or requires his participation. Nothing. I can only focus on everything else outside that. I don't know what I will do if he doesn't respond to the £ agreement he said he wanted me to send. My L will want me to press the Court button but it's such a lose-lose option. I guess I'll figure it out when/if I need to. I don't even know when/if he'll apply for the Absolute...or if I should in October when I could as the respondent if he doesn't. There's a lot in my 'No F***ing Idea" box!
What am I going to do today is go swimming on the beach at midnight alone. Naked if there's no-one around...a benefit of living a block from the beach that I haven't done yet as part of my GAL. So, there's one positive new thing...haven't skinny-dipped for 30 years and my second-hand MLC diet does mean I look GOOD naked! (Even if I wish my H was here to appreciate it...or actually a foxy new FWB man with nice forearms even, I am struggling with celibacy after 2 years!)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
