I'm sure it is a relief not waiting and watching for the next shoe to fall or BD. Good for you!
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I actually do feel a bit more empowered. A decision that W wasn't thrilled about, but I am sure it had to do with the fact she no control over the situation. Feel as if things are finally going forward in some direction.
Tread - this is said with love because I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be living in the same house, to be concerned about your son, the violence from her and how it feels as a man to be disrespected and caught in a trap not of your making...
I've read through your threads and couple of things jumped out at me. One is I think you're much better at GALing than I've been! The second is a theme of anger running through. Understandable anger, but anger anyway. Is this part of your history before this nightmare? The good thing about anger is it can help us say enough, and put a boundary in place. The bad thing is that it keeps the energy focused on the person you're angry with and away from you, and it can lead us all to react instead of drink the STFU smoothie and give ourselves time to think how to respond wisely. Please don't misunderstand me - your W's behaviour is horrible. I'm just not sure that anger is always your friend right now, and I see it sucking you into convos about OM, R, texts, who else knows what, your son...all things that don't change what is actually happening and might makes things worse.
I read somewhere that in these sitchs you probably can't make it better yet but you can avoid making it worse.
The other thing I read was that before this you'd been depressed and a bit disengaged? And that your W had said you'd neglected her? And you'd been struggling quite reasonably with understanding how you could do cool man worthy of respect detachment while also doing an attention 180? Respect first - from a woman's POV, respect isn't about words or being controlled, it's about the kind of calm actions that say nope, I'm too good a man for that kind of nonsense. Do that if you want, it's a free country, but I'm not even wasting my breath talking about it. A few calm words and simple actions are much louder and harder to play against. So, yes, her sleeping in another room. And on the OM issue, don't get into it or debate it, just say calmly that you find her relationship with this person unacceptable in your M and that until that changes, you will not discuss it or your R beyond the practicalities. If she raises the D stuff, do not respond in the moment. Hear her out briefly, 15 mins max, and simply say you need time to consider what is best for you and your son. Then walk away.
When women say they feel neglected, it is almost always about feeling unheard, about validation. That our man hears us and takes our feelings seriously even if he doesn't agree with us or know how to fix it. That we matter enough for you to listen. Someone else suggested earlier, not sure who, that validation was the way to 180 with your wife. But it is really tough to do that if you're angry, if you can't find any neutral compassion or if you think validating means you're agreeing. Or even worse counter-arguing! If you sit quietly, which bits of your wife's POV or feelings do you think have some validity? Even if you think she's behaving like a cow, are there bits of how you hear her say she feels that you could feel compassion or empathy for?
I don't know where you're at or what the L meeting has taken you to in terms of your own thoughts and decisions. I'm really sorry that you're embroiled in this nightmare, and I hope my questions aren't unhelpful. If they are, sorry.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Has there been violence from you? B/c there have been other posters who said their W called the police to claim she feared her H, or filed false charges.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My history of anger is typically frustration at my old job. Anything regarding my W was brought about in defensive. Someone says something bad about me, then I would say something worse in retaliation. But I learned after this sitch started that is a form of anger. So I stopped doing that involving my W. Now the problem with that is my W clearly views that as me beibg declawed and defanged. So she now talks crazy with the verbal consequence from me.
Now I willing just to sit back and not say anything about OM and the other forms of disrespect. But according to the people on this board, W will never respect you as long as you sit back and continued to say nothing. So I agreed and as a result I now have to be prepared to enforce that boundary.
My anger at this point is that I have been assaulted and forced to call the police. Not out of fear, but to cover my own a**. Because she called her father right after and lied to him. I swore I would never call the police on family. But my W lies and decent forced me to make that decision. After that I realized that this more than just trying to save a MR, but I have to look out for my future as well.
I have validated my W feelings and have empathize with them. But as long as that fog is up, nothing else means a thing to my W. I am doing a good job keeping my anger to myself at home. Even during the talks of OM, which I find myself biting my tongue a lot. But I am seriously venting in this board, because I am just fed up. And I can't seem to think of a reason other financial ruin to keep my W around. Sitting quietly hoping the bully will leave you and change their ways is not working. And that has a lot to do with not having to deal with real consequences.
My W has yet to hear from OM W. But I am seriously giving OM W all my W contact information. So that hearing or seeing OM W can add reality to that fantasy. Due to me staying silent her family or OM family extended have no idea abiut the A. If they found out that ruin my W good person reputation. One of our beat friend couples has completely cut her off. And are other best friend coupl e rarely even speak with her since this has all taken place.
Violence has only been on my W part. I am just the punching bag. It started with a hit on the hand in December in an argument about OM. Happened a week later when I got punched in the chest in my parents driveway. My mother sent her a threatening text over that one. W took a swing on me over a discussion on OM, but I pulled my face away in time back in January.
W hit me in the leg back in June. After that incident W best friend advised me that I need to just have her arrested of that happens again. And thennthere was the recent incident where I was punched in the face 3 or 4 times. Didn't want to call the police, but W lying as if the whole didn't happen seconds prior had me feeling that I needed to call. Plus I don't think she was taking me seriously when I told her to get out.
By the W has yet to say anything about my meeting with the lawyer. Wondering if I should bring it up or just keep my mouth shut for now?
Any idea on what might be going through that wayward mind of hers? She went out with some friends to karaoke night. And was text me basically on what was going on. Never bothered to respond to any of the text. Mentioned this morning before I went to work that her friends wanted to hang and catch up with me at some point.
Tread, I know mi situation is very new and only 2 months into my husbands MLC bomb and him seperating. It's hard and feel like the last 12 years, I've dedicated my life to be a good wife in this marriage, perfect, I'm not and recognize my faults, but I feel like one of the most difficult things for me to do is GAL. I have two kiddos and it's very forgoing, lonely, and sad trying to do things without my fam.
