Leah, part 4

[leahsue]

Thanks, ladies! So far, no painful 2x4s. Just loving cautiousness.

Treasur, yes, I think I like to think of it that way- doing nothing toward D right now is an option. It doesn't take away my power to go ahead and file at any given time.

Ownit, I'm so sorry you were weepy. Call me later if you feel like it.
((((( )))))

25, warnings taken. I appreciate yours, and everyone's, honesty and truth-telling in my possible blind spots.
I DO concede that he is not committed to the M. But then again, at this point neither am I. And I think after yesterday, we both fully understand that. At the same time, I don't think either of us is committed to a D AT THIS TIME. I guess that's the difference that yesterday made to me. Prior to seeing him in person, I just did not know. And although I still don't know and can never know, his intentions for the future, I'm more sure of my own. And that is that they are not based on what he does or doesn't do with our relationship. It's what I will choose to do. And there's huge freedom in that for me.
Financially, yes, at the first sign of my not seeing the money each week, I will take action. I don't know that I will ever trust his words again. But back in January, I would have. And since we don't have joint assets for him to be hiding in the first place, there's only what lies ahead that he can steal or hide from me. Some of that, I can control, but some of that, if he chooses to do that, are really out of my control. As long as my needs and wants are being met,my future inheritance is secure in my name only, and my retirement is only mine, I stay on his excellent health insurance, then I think I'm OK. I will go back and meet with my mom's $ guy though, just to be sure I'm doing all I should be doing.
We did not discuss details of OW. He knows I know a name, and that he has been with others since me. He was under the impression (from other family members) that I have also dated. I didn't really dwell on that. I may feel differently about other people as I wade through this, and if I do, then I will file. For now, we are separated, and living our own lives, which may or may not include each other down the line. And today, I'm OK with that. This turn of events is still very, very fresh and raw. I just don't know how I'll feel even tomorrow. I don't want to file or not file depending on my feelings on any given day, though. I want to know I am doing the right thing when I do take that action. I'm just not there yet.

[25yearsmlc]

Leah the benefits and finances you have are unusual but make me feel way more comfortable for you.

You have a good head on your shoulders and btw, let him think you date. Maybe you will.

(Why explain now, only to modify it later when you do date? Best to leave it alone since it's none of his business anyhow).

((( )))

[cadence]

Aww, Leah! I'm so pleased to read this.

That must have felt nice. Here you were imagining he had no feelings for you and wasn't filing because he was lazy, but he said he doesn't want to D.

I think you did fantastic holding up boundaries with him and keeping things breezy and nice. You should feel really proud of yourself.

I have no 2x4s for you. Just keep an eye out for your well being, because you are your priority.

I understand the worry about friends and family. I would just be open with them and say "I'm sharing this with you because you are important to me and I want you to know what's going on. I know you might not be happy about it because you worry for me, and I appreciate it, but I've got my wits about me and I'm being very sensible. I'm just not sure I'm done with the marriage. I'll still be protecting myself, I promise you that."

Anyone who loves you will support you if you are very clear with them that Leahsue is no fool. If someone still gives you a hard time, either stop opening up to them (without saying anything), or say "I'm disappointed. I know you may not agree with me, but I'm not looking for agreement. I'm looking for support. If I can't get that from you, that's okay, but I won't want to talk about that area of my life anymore."

I think what you did was very sensible, personally.

[leahsue]

I LOVE YOU FRIENDS! No matter how my personal life turns out, I will be fine, and I TRULY do not think that would be the case, had I not been led to this forum, and to all of you.

.....on our way to MEH.

[PsySara]

Good job, Leah. You basically DB'd like a pro and gained some insight and clarification in the process. I won't repeat what others have said as you know how to protect yourself. I'm proud of you.

[BluWave]

I think I'm in the minority here so perhaps I should keep my 2*4s to myself? I'm just confused, but more so glad that you feel good about your interactions with him. That's what really matters :-)

Blu

[leahsue]

Blu,
I am curious to hear your take on it. Bring on the 2x4s! Seriously, I value your thoughts. Every angle needs to be explored.

[leahsue]

My S35 is here for a few days and I got the first push-back about my decision to hold off on filing. While he makes it clear he will support me either way, I think for him, it's more about - why NOT just go ahead and file, get some things legally in place, THEN see where a new R goes.

Late yesterday, I got a call from the friend who was trying to get me in to see the local "best" attorney, who is of course going to cost me a huge retainer. She has gotten me an opportunity for an appointment, and I need to decide whether to take advantage of this while it's here. There may not be a window open that long to see this particular attorney.

I think if I make the appointment, go in and see him, he's going to call BS if I'm undecided about filing. He stays booked up for months in advance. I need to be sure what I want to do before I go in for an appointment. On the other hand, if I let this chance pass, then decide in 2 weeks or a month that I need to file, I may not get the chance, at least with this attorney. Not to mention the favors a couple of people have called in to get me this appointment.

I've thought maybe I should go ahead and call him today, but ask to set an appointment up for a month from now, which will give me a little more time to closely examine my motivations for what I actually want to do.

Clearly, I'm very conflicted this morning about what to do. If it were only whether to file or not, without the added pressure of seeing this particular attorney, I think I would hold off for a little longer. And it may turn out that I didn't even need an attorney this strong or expensive. Without knowing what H's reaction to my proposal is going to be, or how much he will fight me on the terms, it's so hard to know whether to go for this "bulldog" attorney, who has the reputation for going for the jugular, and possibly over-paying for a divorce, that could possibly be obtained for a much smaller amount of money. My friend keeps saying, why pay to kill a gnat with a hammer when it would be just as dead with a fly swatter? And that makes sense, unless H comes out with guns blazing and calls in his NYC attorney friends and running buddies (and some scary ones at that)..... then I'm not sure a fly swatter is going to do the trick.

Any thoughts would be helpful, just so I'm sure I'm looking at every angle.

[leahsue]

Also, I'm still struggling with the term "no-fault" divorce. I guess when I hear that, it makes me think that neither party is claiming that the other is in any way "at fault", but it's been explained to me that is not exactly true, that it's a misleading phrase. That if this were to go to court, for example, I could still claim that adultery caused the break up of this marriage (by H's own admission to adultery), and that the judge could choose to take that into consideration. If anyone with legal background is reading, I'd love some input into whether my understanding of this is true.

[leahsue]

One more question, from a legal standpoint.....

If in the future, I had sex with my H, would that invalidate any claims down the road that adultery could be brought up in a court battle? It seems that I've read on here, that it would invalidate that argument, because it would mean I had "forgiven" him? Maybe I dreamed that.

I sure wouldn't want to give up that Ace up my sleeve for a roll in the hay. If I'm honest, that's one of the things that stopped me this past Monday, because I sure wanted to give in to that chemistry.