Boston Dad Need of Help Part 2

[Anchor]

Patience, patience.

I really feel for you, so sorry to hear about this tough time.

At these kinds of times it's really tempting to lash out. Believe me, I feel like it so often.

But don't.

You have to ask yourself, what is the most exquisite revenge?

Is it the short term satisfaction you will get from making your W feel bad for a little bit because you have evidence of her A? Because your S may blame her for the break-up of your family? Even if she experiences these feelings, they will be fleeting. She will go to OM for her affirmation that she's doing the right thing, that they are not bad people.

Or would it be this...

Your W wakes up one day and looks at OM and realises he's nothing special, that she destroyed her life with her family for a person as flawed as the one she thought she was leaving. When she sees you looking happy and well, toned and tanned, moving on, laughing with your son, getting looks from other women - what will go through her mind? This is the revenge that will exact itself on her every single day, every single minute, and she won't escape it like she can escape your accusatory voice, because the voice this time will be in her head.

Unfortunately it's a slow slow SLOW burn. And it's largely dependant on how much self control, dignity and GAL-ing you can do now.

She fell in love with you once. She's attached to someone at the moment so even if you were that original person she fell in love with was here, she wouldn't be able to see it. There's hormones in the way and a narrative she can't immediately dismantle without annhilating her own self image. But there are universal laws that nothing in this world can escape. Like the law of gravity. I'm refering to the law of decay. Everything that once was new and beautiful will become old. This applied to your relationship with W, my relationship with WH, and it will apply to her relationship with OM. The key is patience and choosing the right actions. Don't do anything to justify the picture in her head of the man she is leaving. The voice in her head will start whispering, but you have to act the right way and leave her alone long enough for it to gain strength.

It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but if you want that scenario badly enough, you will do it.

[Teppo]

2016sux,

I like your handle. Mine should be 2017sux. It's neat that we have DB friends on the other side of the pond, but I digress.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my situation. Your post (including those from other posters) provides me with the motivation and support to change and become a better person- for me and my son.

I particularly like it when you wrote: "When she sees you looking happy and well, toned and tanned, moving on, laughing with your son, getting looks from other women - what will go through her mind?" I've got the looking happy, "well, toned and tanned" and "laughing with my son" part down, so I'm moving in the right direction. I've actually lost 16 pounds since December!

Additionally, my GALing life is really taking off, and my job prospects.

I retained a lawyer yesterday and I think I selected an excellent one that will provide me with the best possible outcome from this whole mess. I'm at the point where things have the potential to really move my way for once and I just want to start my new life.

I hope things work out for you as well.

[Teppo]

I hope you are doing better today Teppo. Try to get back to working on your detachment, you were making good progress! This is a setback, but we all have them. Just use it to learn and regroup and get back on your gameplan.

I am, thanks AnotherStander,

I didn't view Sunday's events as a complete setback as I didn't expect to run into my W and the OM. Regardless, I'll be sure just to turn aroand avoid a confrontation should it happen again.

[Accuray]

...or walk by, smile and wave and let her see that you don't give a sh!t

[Teppo]

...or walk by, smile and wave and let her see that you don't give a sh!t

Yes, I'll do that next time! Thanks, Acc.

I hope you're doing well.

[Teppo]

Well, my job prospect hit a snag today. I may have to relocate 2.5 hours away, which puts me in a conundrum about how my W and I will sort out custody.

[AnotherStander]

Well, my job prospect hit a snag today. I may have to relocate 2.5 hours away, which puts me in a conundrum about how my W and I will sort out custody.

I can't remember if you have an L, but this is definitely something to discuss with one if you do. The court will very likely look unfavorably on you moving away for a job and award your wife full custody with you maybe getting every other weekend. If your L confirms that you've got to ask yourself if the job is worth losing custody to you. Definitely a tough decision, sorry you're having to go through this!

[Coconut]

I know that you said this job is significantly better paying that what you have ever made, but you need to really consider what it means to take it.

I moved away from my step-son, and it was a tough decision, but I only decided to go because he was 17 and would be going away to college in a year and a half from when I moved.

I have seen him every two months since, but even with him being so old, it is really tough. I miss out on his sporting events, have never met his current girlfriend, don't get to help him work on his new car, don't get to just spend a day with him whenever I want, and I'm not there when he could use my company. It's tough for me, and he's my step son and 17... It may be really tough on you with him being so young. Of course, you will be a lot closer to him than I am, so if you get a good amount of paid time off from your new job, you would be able to do a lot of those things that I can't.

I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't move, but consider how much of his life you'll miss if he doesn't live with you.

[Teppo]

Question: it may be that I can use her EA in a counter file as grounds for divorce- marital impropriety. If it gets me an edge in my custody fight do I go with this strategy knowing that it'll get nasty?

[Accuray]

If you're in Massachusetts the vast majority of divorces are "no fault". If one of you is claiming "fault" the only grounds are the following:

Mass. General Laws chapter 208, section 1: adultery, desertion, gross and confirmed habits of intoxication, cruel and abusive treatment, non- support, impotency, or a prison sentence of 5 or more years.

What did your lawyer say exactly about marital impropriety and how would you prove it?