From what I read, my stich looks pretty bleak compared to others. W had affair and moved in with OM in October 2016. We still talk regularly. We both cant seem to completely let go. I'm really close because this is tiring. I was a distant husband. Being distant keeps rattling in my head so I'm screwing up DB. I do great for a few weeks then wife plays the victim card and I get sucked in. I feel terrible about my role as the H so I basically 180ed my distance which is the opposite of DB. I was only clingy at BD though. Ive settled down a lot. W has now asked several times what I want and when I reply she goes cold. Not seeing many options except D. I see that as a final last resort. Some on here say R is tougher than DBing so I'm not sure I have that effort left since my W is a cant say no person. Its going to take an act of congress to break up with OM.
She told me on Sunday she's not very attracted to OM and still finds me very attractive. She said he gives her a ton of attention and is so proud of her. Not sure if I want to wait that out.
Treasure, I know, I know! Don't know what got in me. I thought maybe if I'm the good guy she will come around. Also, I wanted to be the good guy when others find out. It felt good at first when I got pity but that got old quick.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
She's a monkey swing in the trees. She won't let completely go of the last branch (you) because she's not completely sure of the stability of the new branch (OM). Why? Because he's a nasty cheater. She knows she can never trust him and he can't trust her. That R is doomed from the start so she feels if she keeps you dangling as a plan B that makes her feel more secure in her new R with douche bag.
You need to remove yourself as an option. People want what they can't have. She toys with you because she knows she can have you anytime. Admit it. If she called today and said I want you back, come pick me up, you'd drive over there so fast you'd get multiple speeding tickets. She knows this and that's why she treats you this way.
Become the best version of yourself you've ever been. Stop lamenting. Don't ever be clingy, wishy washy, sad, crying, etc. around her. Stop being so available for her.
Do stuff with your life. Get in shape, update your wardrobe, go back to school, go out and do really fun things, get new hobbies, get new friends, have lunch/coffee with females, etc.
Trust me my friend, she'll notice. The people here that do those things usually end up with a WAS or WS that want them back. Then the power dynamic switches to your side of the court. The kicker is at that point you may not want them back. You've now become very attractive and have this awesome life going. They, on the other hand, are just a cheater. Nothing attractive about a cheater.
It is so true. Last time when my H came around it wasn't because I was at his beckon call it was because I was busy and moved forward with my life. Sure I still cared about him but he didn't know it. I treated him like a neighbor but didn't engage in conversation and was just genuinely busy with my life. I was on my phone smiling texting while we were around each other, etc.
Trust me -- she is going to notice. You are the better man, we all know it, she just can't see that right now because she hasn't 'lost' you. YET
Still bad at DB? Are you ready to make necessary changes? Until you are willing to do what works, in spite of your fear.......you will be stuck. Furthermore, the same thing will likely play out in your next relationship.
I think you may have 180'd in the wrong area. You absolutely have to let go of how you use to be distant with your WW. Whatever you did in the past that caused distance, is not applicable to what she's doing currently. The more you try to do the opposite of being distance while she is openly disrespecting you......will push her further and further away. Once she is acting out in her waywardness, she won't feel attracted to you, and it's not b/c you were distant. Trying to be close and available will not get you where you want to be.
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Wife still has me by the Walnuts.
And, there's the real issue^^^^^^^^^^^^. What do you intend to do to reclaim your balls?
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We still talk regularly. We both cant seem to completely let go
Why not pull back and if she wants to pursue you......let her.
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W has now asked several times what I want and when I reply she goes cold.
She doesn't want to do the heavy lifting. She wants to pick up where she left in the M. Don't compromise.
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Its going to take an act of congress to break up with OM.
Not really........it only takes her believing she's lost you.
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She told me on Sunday she's not very attracted to OM and still finds me very attractive. She said he gives her a ton of attention and is so proud of her. Not sure if I want to wait that out.
Then don't wait it out. She is playing games when she tells you this stuff. She throws a few crumbs and you dance around waiting for more. Not attractive. She's playing you and the OM.
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I thought maybe if I'm the good guy she will come around. Also, I wanted to be the good guy when others find out. It felt good at first when I got pity but that got old quick.
Dale, this is the mindset of a man with nice guy syndrome. Please take it seriously.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Tx, T, and Sandi. All three replies were basically the same so thanks for the 2X4. Yeah I'm good at convincing myself my way is better. With that being said I admit I was wrong. So wrong in fact, it made me feel worse about myself than when I started. She actually almost had me convinced that its rude of me to not be friends with her if we D. Every time we have a convo its how she is the victim and affair is justified. Meanwhile I have been indirectly giving her permission to keep doing what's she's doing and be friends with her H all at the same time. If this was a reality TV show Id be laughed off the set. Thank you again for being a direct as possible. This will change today. Not just saying it because you said it. I've had enough being on the wrong side of the joke.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Good for you, dale. Deciding that you're not going to keep doing that is a hard decision. Be ready for the backlash--when I stopped being a doormat, what I got was "I can't believe what an a-hole/duck/whatever you've become" any time I stood up for myself. She wanted me to be broken, weak, and available for her in case she ever deigned to want to fix things, and showing any kind of strength resulted in a tantrum.
If yours does the same, just remind yourself that you're doing what you NEED to do for your own well being, and that you're strong enough to get through it. Because you are.
Great insight Dale! I think we're all on the same page including you- your W is using you as a doormat. And she's using you as a doormat after walking around in a pasture full of poop. Enough is enough, time to stop the pity party and let the man down deep inside you out into the light of day again. You can do this brother!
This will change today. Not just saying it because you said it. I've had enough being on the wrong side of the joke.
Awesome! my man. Awesome! Today the worm will turn for you. You can't fake it. You have to do it. You have to live it. Keep this exact attitude in mind and adopt it as your default behavior. You're a strong person and a more attractive partner than she is. She's a cheater. You're a loyal partner. You're the prize. She isn't. If you get back together and try to work it out it's because of YOUR grace, not hers.
Please please please live this. Do what you know you should be doing and I promise you it'll put you in a no-lose situation.
Show ZERO weakness in front of her. ZERO. Anytime you're feeling low/sad/weak DON'T interact with her. Just come here and talk to the board. We'll be happy to pick you back up. I've been where you are and I know what failed and I know what worked. You can do this.
Glad to hear that you have decided to stand up for yourself. Venting on this board has helped me out quite a bit. WW will take advantage of any form of weakness. So the feelings that TxHubby mentioned on this board where you can actually be uplifted. You got this.
