Snooping does no good it has really helped me with my sanity!! I know the clothes, loosing weight, etc. is for me I guess I am just disappointed there has been no acknowledgement.
Had about a 25 min conversation in person with my W this morning over kid stuff. No talks about our R and no mention of D. We talked a little bit about the holidays and what our arrangement would be starting off the school year. She said I could have them for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I told her to not make those decisions yet and lets see what things look like closer to the date. My parents normally come down for Christmas but I told her our first priority is the kids and they will not come down because our sitch with the kids is more important. This is probably another 180 for me being more decisive about what is going to happen and standing up for or family.
She made some comment about not seeing my parents when they were here which I think made her mad (at least you could tell it bothered her since she brought it up). I just tried to validate her by saying I understand why you would feel that way and she just nodded her head. I guess I feel like she thinks that everyone should just be ok with her decision? I don't understand that. I also gave her the license plates to our new car but did not offer to put them on for her. You could tell she probably wanted me to but since is trying to be independent said she would find someone else to help her. It was very hard for me not to do it! This is a 180 for me.
On the other hand she bought a picnic table for her apartment, she said she got it on sale. Not sure who helped her move it but I didn't ask. Just another sign she is sure making that place into a home!
Thanks, I appreciate it. I have become more at peace with it over the past couple of weeks. I really feel our marriage was over with when she moved out and probably in her mind a few weeks or months before that.
It is hard letting go, getting used to the new norm's with me and my kids and getting used to the quiet periods in the house. I don't care what anyone says. You can't GAL every minute of every day so there are periods of time during the day or night that really get your mind wondering. This by far has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I never thought in a million years my W would do this.
I also am trying to find the balance between being her friend and my potential XW. Coming together for the kids and working together to make their lives the best it can be considering the situation. Assuming this leads to D I don't want to push her too far away that an amicable situation and potential mediation turns into a nasty, L filled D.
You hung in there for a long time. Is there a reason why you stuck it out for so long?
I didn't really stick it out that long, it seemed like forever but I was already dating less than a year after BD. In retrospect I should have waited longer, not for W but just to get my head straight. I thought I was ready to date but I wasn't yet.
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Did you ever get the feeling your W wanted to reconcile?
She did at one point, that was when we went to Retrouvaille. I think had we done that a year before BD it would have saved things, but it was about 7 months after BD and 4 months after S and I was getting to the point of being done by then. Retro was really fantastic and helped our communication skills quite a bit, but afterwards when we were doing the followups I just don't think our hearts were in it.
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How is she these days?
She went through breast cancer not too long after our D. She was cured of it, but has long term health problems as a result. She continues to struggle with that and weight gain, she also was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and has a lot of pain in her hands and feet. She seems content and happy with her life, but D20 mentioned not too long ago that she told her she cries a lot so I guess she's still going through some emotional struggles.
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Does she regret her decision?
She said she did during Retro. But I think by then she felt it was too late to reverse course, and I really felt the same. It's hard to explain but you get to the point where you've accepted your new life without your spouse and then if they reach out you just don't think it's worth it anymore. Maybe if the kids were younger, but two of ours are adult and moved out now and the 3rd in high school. Getting divorced, splitting up assets and settling into a new financial reality is a huge, HUGE adjustment. It's very stressful and a ton of work. Once you get past all of that then it all becomes your "new normal" and it's what you're used to. Then suddenly the WAS wants to work on things, but you're asking yourself "why would I want to do that when I'm finally comfortable with my new life?" And of course you can't help but wonder if they're not going to turn around and BD you again in a few years.
I've mentioned this before, but of the people I know in my personal life that have been BD'd, every one of their spouses eventually wanted to recon. Most of them didn't because the LBS had moved on and was done with the WAS. Two of them did recon, one is living with his ex but probably won't marry her again. The other one did remarry his ex. Both are very happy now, their WAS's really did 180's themselves and are very committed now.
She made some comment about not seeing my parents when they were here which I think made her mad (at least you could tell it bothered her since she brought it up). I just tried to validate her by saying I understand why you would feel that way and she just nodded her head. I guess I feel like she thinks that everyone should just be ok with her decision? I don't understand that.
You don't understand b/c it is illogical. To the WW, everything is about her. The universe revolves around her, her needs and her desires. Although she wants all the advantages and fun of living the single life.......she expects you and others who were in her previous life (so to speak) to be available for her.......should she decide she wants something. It has not really hit her that with S/D come loses. She looses the in-laws. She no longer gets to call you and cry over her bumps in the road, she no longer has you to bail her out of unexpected expenses. She no longer has you to comfort her and sympathize that she doesn't have better phone service.
This is not what she envisioned her new life would be. Well, guess what? This is not what you envisioned for the M, either. She has to put on her big girl panties, b/c her past life and her current life do not mesh. There will be several little things where she will realize the importance you played in her daily life. And the killer for her? The people she left standing in her destruction as she sped away from the M, are not racing to her side to rescue her whenever things don't go to suit her.
It really is amazing the unrealistic view the WW forms. She thinks her LBH will pine away for her, and he will break his neck to do anything to help her life be more comfortable.......b/c she just knows he will always be in love with her, and nobody will ever take her place in his heart.
You are doing great, Joseph. I admire the way you validated without sounding like a wimp. I'm sure it is not easy to walk in your shoes. Naturally, you want her to notice the "new you", and she probably does.........but for whatever reason, she won't acknowledge it. I think it goes back to her believing you would just fall apart when she left. I suspect she's asking others about you.
Good job at not snooping! There really is no need, considering she has moved out. It would only keep you emotionally tied to her and whatever she's doing with someone else. The sooner you can stop watching her, the sooner you can detach and focus on the the things you like.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi for checking in....I have a lot of your posts printed off and hanging beside my bathroom mirror! I feel like I struggle from time to time with achieving the right balance in my interactions. Not coming off too cold but also comfortable with engaging in friendly conversation. Today was the first day my W and I engaged in friendly conversation about our children in quite some time.
She has been asking more about how I am doing not only to me but our mutual friends (she actually asked them if I was sad) so I know that is a positive sign.
I am also starting to feel emotionless during our interactions. Being guarded but not plotting everything I say, really only holding true to not talking about our relationship.
I do feel like she has experienced some loss and is struggling more than what she admits. We did talk this morning about our kids and how they are really testing her. I told her not to take any crap from them and put your foot down. She is a good mom to them and I reminded her of that. She looked away and was holding back tears.
I do believe she is really messed up emotionally on the inside and although she presents a touch exterior she is weak on the inside. Hopefully she will have an awakening before it's too late.
just to say the reason I didn't blow my sitch out in the open was that if it ever comes to D negotiations, my lawyer (who only does this sort of thing) said it is vital to keep things amicable so I went with her advice (and of course DBing!!)
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
CW.....it is a tough balance for me. I do think my W is having an affair or at minimum has got attention from other men however I could not prove it. She moved out 3 weeks after BD, volunteered herself at first to move out of the MBR and then ultimately volunteered to get an apartment. Everything happened so quick that I didn't have much time to respond. I will admit that she originally wanted to move out 8/31 but I told her if she wanted to go to make it happen I wouldn't try to hold her back.
At this point in time she is out of the house so snooping wouldn't do anything, I considered our marriage over when she moved out.
...and as is quite often pointed out in these threads what do we actually achieve with any proof of affairs if the MR is over anyway? Guess the whole point is we "know"
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
I think most people that are here, wanting to save their marriage, are willing to accept the spouse has cheated. I'm not sure I have read through any thread where it didn't happen or was suspected.
