Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[Anchor]

PsySara

I have been rooting for you since the beginning. It looks like you're so close and yet so far.

Do you think taking a break, as a family, would be a good way of leaving behind all the emotional baggage, for a week? Time to create new, good memories, to replace the bad ones?

It sounds like you're emotionally exhausted. You need an emotional holiday from the situation, but not WH necessarily. A bit of family bonding time might remind you what you're doing this for and give you the motivation you need to hang off this cliff face for a tiny bit longer.

[PsySara]

2016,
I've been negligent in posting all the day-to-day stuff going on. I've actually have spent about 90% of my time working on building happy memories for the family/kids. Recently I took WH away for a weekend at a bed and breakfast. We slept in, ate yummy food, watched a movie late at night and ML. On the way home WH was talking about how he wishes he could learn to fish. I ended up making him stop off at a hole-in-the-wall bait and tackle shop, bought some cheap rods and some tackle/bait and we spent the after noon fishing. We actually managed to catch a teeny-tiny fish.

Later on we started taking the kids fishing and have done that a few times. The house we bought earlier this year has a pool so we do that with the kids a few times a week as well. There are actually a lot of moments where I am really happy in the moment with my children and my WH. But sometimes I feel like we are building these memories on thin ice and it will sink as soon as WH finds a new, shiny distraction. (OW)

I find myself dealing with memories which intrude on these moments. For instance, we are coming up on one of our holidays called Eid Al-Adha. We only have 2 eids so they are big deal. Almost 2 years ago my WH was super distracted on his cell phone during this holiday, to the point where we went out to a special dinner with friends and they noticed it too. Later on when everything came out about the affair I found out he was texting OW. So even though we were with our kids, friends and supposedly celebrating a huge religious holiday he was bust chatting with her. He has since apologized about it but it just doesn't feel authentic. I am not sure what I am looking for but WH isn't giving it. I wish he would approach me and straight address this huge elephant in the room, that he would tell me how f*cked up he was to throw away his wife and children for a wh*re. Sigh. There's the anger surfacing again.

[OwnIt]

Sounds a bit like Blu's blue and the one TXHubby went through. I think it must be a stage for you guys who have to push through the betrayal.

[Anchor]

There's the anger surfacing again.

I do agree its the anger that makes healing so difficult.

I'm a bit like you in the sense that I find comfort in research and analysis. I started a list of restored marriages, just to see what things they had in common. Not from this forum.

This is what I've found:

1. The WS has to be repentant. Not just sorry they got caught, but remorseful for the pain they've caused. I think this is what ensures they won't do it again.

2. The WS is the one who comes back to the marriage and actively tries to engage the LBS. Probably prompted by 1.

The LBS adopted various stances - from loving encouragement (but not pursuit) to no contact. In all cases they were civil to openly affectionate. There was one case (look up Scruggs) where the LBH was borderline hostile/angry, and recovery took 7 years in that instance.

In the situations where the LBS and WS successfully reconciled (AFTER WS came cap in hand, asking for forgiveness), there was little evidence of anger.

Stands to reason if you can get rid of your anger, you get rid of your major road block to recovery.

The Christian model emphasizes forgiveness. Even if WH is unrepentant, you should, must even, forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.

Forgiveness, authentic forgiveness, I think, means the dismissal of anger. I think you will continue to experience anger, but whether you express it or make any decisions based on it (like leaving the marriage), is a separate issue. In a lot of the cases I read about, the LBS stated they didn't feel anger, but in these cases they were heavily heavily propped up by their faith and rationalized their WS behaviour as being instigated by the devil. Hence their anger is directed at the devil only, not their WS who is viewed as an innocent taken captive by dark forces.

Maybe this is what you're struggling with - you can't forgive him?

I read somewhere that forgiveness means really, to GIVE like you did beFORE.

I don't know if I can forgive WH, but my need to address this is less urgent as he's not in my life.

[SBJ]

2016...I haven't posted on this side in a while and for some reason felt the urge today. I now know why. Your words on forgiveness are awesome and true. None of us wanted to be here in this situation, but we are. Most of us here loved our spouses unconditionally for many, many years...decades for some. Just because the WS or the MLC'er has left, why would that change our unconditional love for them?

Forgiveness begins with us internally. We decide that we can and will forgive. Once we do that we have opened the first door that is needed, or at least might be needed by our spouse if they decide to come home. If we don't forgive we will stew in the negative memories and the anger. We should let go and let God guide us to forgiveness just as we have been forgiven.

I hope and pray all is well with you both.

[Anchor]

Forgiveness begins with us internally. We decide that we can and will forgive. Once we do that we have opened the first door that is needed, or at least might be needed by our spouse if they decide to come home. If we don't forgive we will stew in the negative memories and the anger. We should let go and let God guide us to forgiveness just as we have been forgiven.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Thanks for the affirmation, SBJ, I appreciate it a lot. I get nervous posting because a lot of the time it feels like I don't know what I'm talking about. You've made me feel like I must be on the right track, for myself - thank you.

[PsySara]

I struggle with forgiveness as WH hasn't really manned up and shown (in my opinion) true remorse. I've told him in explicit and clear terms what I need to build trust with him again. (delete cheater apps, go to MC and IC, do some reading to get to the root of his "why") and so far no dice.

This weekend was a rough one for me. WH was working this weekend and I was single parenting. He comes home and studies for his licensing exam (on the 21st) and we sometimes watch a show together before bed time. And the triggers are legion. But I wonder how I am supposed to address it? Alone and muddle my way through? Tell WH and hope he can find some empathy instead of defensiveness? I dunno. I still feel very alone in this aftermath of his affair. When it is brought up he resorts to telling me why he feels I made it possible for him to cheat. I'm sorry but that is BS. I was very unhappy in our marriage as well and didn't step out. I think I am spiraling and I am not sure what to do about it. I really wish I could just cut this anger and resentment out of me.

[SBJ]

PsySara, the forgiveness is for you more than it is for them. Yes it is difficult, but it is truly necessary.

[OwnIt]

Sara I don't see how you could forgive. While forgiveness is for you, it has to begin with someone who wants forgiveness. If he is making no efforts to do the things necessary for you to rebuild trust and to feel safe in the relationship it is understandable that you don't.

I wish you would go back and read your thread when you were ready to walk. You were so confident and sure, and now you are back in the muddle again.

Is this just a cycle you guys go through? You get strong and ready to walk, he comes around, you start hoping and expecting and he starts distancing, you feel alone and unvalued until you are ready to walk . . .

[Treasur]

I think forgiveness has two parts - the act of forgiving someone who shows contrition is one. But I think there is an internal one too where we work out the balance between a sort of forgiving acceptance and our justifiable anger. Anger can be a fuel but it also damages us too. The internal forgiving is a bit more about seeing others as human, fallible and flawed. The first is probably necessary to rebuild trust. The second is more about hope and peace.