Divorce and Acceptance- Part 2

[bttrfly]

Happy New Year Pax!

I hope this year brings you peace, joy, love and all good things!
xoxo

[Pax_luv]

Hi DB land,

Hope you're all well.

Just checking in with another non-update. Been reading along and I feel for every one and what many of our posters are going through. It's been a rough-go.

I'm tired. I want this divorce done with and put behind me. I can't take this craziness anymore. Ex doesn't get to me, but the situation does and I just want to be free.

I had a bit of a dip last week in regards to my sitch and I've been carrying around this stress that just won't go away. I had my first migraine on Friday morning which was a scary experience. I thought I had just worked out too hard in the morning, but got kind of spooked when my vision got blurry and swirly. Stupid me thought it was no big deal. The pre-cursor passed pretty quicky, I went to work and then was immediately hit with this insane headache and nausea. Went home and slept it off. I hope it was a one time thing. It was not fun. I feel weird still....kind of cloudy like I haven't recovered it from yet, but I'm functioning as usual. Just not 100% myself. I hope it wasn't triggered by the stress I'm under with the divorce.

I'm not a fighter. I'm not aggressive. I'm fair and honest in nature. I don't have drama in my life. It's just not me. But with ex.... I feel like all I'm doing is fighting. Fighting for fairness, Disputing lies, and working really hard to not get sucked into his nonsense. Ugh. It's crazy. I've spent my day working on more legal stuff, working on legal statements, etc. I just hate reliving this.

Had a convo with my lawyer about it. In my gut, this isn't me, but I have no choice but to put all my energy into playing defense. I was telling him, I can't believe I have to do this and go down this route I don't want to go in, but I have no choice. I'm still dealing with a bully. Even my lawyer is getting fed up with ex's shenanigans.

Ugh. Well, I know that was kind of vague. I'm just stressed over this. It just won't go away and I'm exhausted. Pllleeeaaaaasssseeee. I just want to be free.

HaWho... If you're reading along... Know I'm thinking about you often. I even shed a few tears. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. You're strong, you can handle this..... It's just all very familiar. At the beginning of the divorce process I went through EVERYTHING you are going through. His mantra is- If you're not with him, you're against him and he will do everything to make sure you lose. Please take care of yourself.

All in all, I personally am ok. Just coming here for a place to release. Very thankful this place exists and thankful for all of you.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Pax}}}}}}}
I'm so sorry the stress is taking such a toll on you physically and emotionally. I wish you could get a break from the crazy.

Check out what I posted on HaWho's thread about loving kindness. It might help xoxoxoxoxo

[HaWho]

Pax - please do not say you have non - updates. I am just at the "on your mark, get set, GO!" part and the stress is just crazy. I wish you could post more of the details but understand their are confidentiality details to this process.

Whatever you need to do to recharge, do. Best not to roll over as you are entitled to certain things no matter what your stbx says. Fight to the finish and get what is fair.

Please take time out to take care of you, however that may be. I think my sitch will very soon be like yours...

[Pax_luv]

Hi bttrfly, thanks for the tips on loving kindness. I did go back and read your notes. I do think it's time for me to focus on some meditation. I was pretty good at it for a while.... And like most things, once you start to feel better, you don't think you need it anymore! Must keep putting energy into my emotional and mental wellbeing because it does pay off! In fact, I'm writing this from bed with my lavender diffuser on so I can unwind. My goal has been to go to bed much earlier so I can try to get 8 hours of sleep and wake up earlier. I find that most nights I still only get 5 hours of sleep... My fit bit tells me so! I know I toss and turn a lot, plus I've got some anxiety. Ugh.... Such a work in progress!

Hawho, thanks for your words. This board always helps me to stay grounded and i will keep up the good fight to move towards something that is fair. I MUST learn to look after myself.

Maybe in time I'll be able to share some of the details of the legal side of the sitch. For my own protection, I just have to keep things confidential for now. That sounds crazy saying that, but knowing my ex he may even sue me if he knew I was sharing vague details of our past life together.

Anyway, this all leads me to another one of the byproducts of this experience that I'm dealing with. its kind of hard to explain, but I'm hyper aware of my feelings about this. So here goes....long stream of consciousness comin at ya......

Post marriage, I'm finding myself really intimidated and scared of men whom I perceive to have any authority over me.

I don't have these feelings with men whom I've known for many years and are big shot CEO's etc. its men that I'm newly coming in contact with.

Here's two examples- I'm intimidated by my lawyer and my personal trainer. Specifically, im nervous that my lawyer thinks I'm stupid. And I'm anxious that my personal trainer thinks I'm not good enough to be training with him. I keep thinking that they are judging me.

As I type that, I feel sad. I never used to be this way. I keep digging deep to see if there's some childhood crap in there, but I just relate it to my marriage. My ex was very authoritative in my life for many years. I met him when I was young and since he had more life experience than me, I probably leaned on him more than I should have. It became a very bad dynamic as he was completely controlling... But it was very subtle controlling....this subtle control changed me over time. (Basically because I was pretzeling myself into oblivion trying to please and appease him.).

All of a sudden I became so far removed from myself that I literally had no idea who I was anymore. I've shared some of that before.... Where I couldnt even make a decision to help myself because no matter what I chose I would be wrong.... So I would become kind of paralyzed.

I guess the good news is, I recognize this and I'm trying to work through it, but I'm also frustrated that there's so much more damage to my psyche that I've probably not uncovered yet.

I want to be in a healthy relationship and have a healthy marriage someday and yet I get down on myself that maybe I'm not as together as I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever be the healthy partner.

I don't know... Maybe I need to pick up IC again. Or maybe I just need to keep embracing the uncomfortableness and it will help me move past it. My last IC kept telling me that I was never going to be good enough for my ex... And now im thinking that I need to get some help in learning that I'm good enough period and I can't be afraid of men!

Also, it would be nice to have a good man in my life who likes me for me. Not that I need a man to validate my worthiness.... But it would be nice for a little somethin somethin.... Ya know?!


Grrrrrrr. This is so frustrating. The work continues.......

[bttrfly]

HI Pax,
We're all works in progress my dear! I seem to have the opposite PTSD response: if a man gets the slightest bit bullying with my I fight right back and give him h3!! - I just won't tolerate it at all.

While it's nice to stand up for oneself, perhaps a bit of moderation would be in order, in my case anyway

It's ok to be where you are right now - you didn't become this way overnight and it will take a while to move through all the emotions and sort it all out. You can do it! Just be gentle with yourself in the mean time xoxoxo

[pinn]

I guess the good news is, I recognize this and I'm trying to work through it, but I'm also frustrated that there's so much more damage to my psyche that I've probably not uncovered yet.

I want to be in a healthy relationship and have a healthy marriage someday and yet I get down on myself that maybe I'm not as together as I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever be the healthy partner.

Also, it would be nice to have a good man in my life who likes me for me. Not that I need a man to validate my worthiness.... But it would be nice for a little somethin somethin....

Hey ya Pax! Good to see you posting!

I think recognizing you feel this way is half the battle...seriously. Like bfly says, we all have issues here. I’m certainly damaged mainly due to ex in more ways than one. It is hard to get through and fix. But once you realize it, then you can work on it. I’ve never been to an IC so I do not know what that’s like. But if you think that will help, I encourage you to go. You have already done a tooooon of work and you should be proud of how far you have come. You just have this one last hurdle to get over... you got this!

Oh, by the way, with the route you are taking in terms of dating and your next relationship, I feel pretty confident in saying that you will find a man who loves you (yes loves not like!) for who you are. By that I mean you seem to be taking your time, not jumping into anything and really learning about yourself. That is an important step that a lot of people miss going through this process. I know it is cliche, but you have to learn to love yourself first.

Just keep on keeping on Pax! You are doing great!

And when in doubt, just repeat and remember... “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And gosh darn it... people like me.” ;-)

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, it sounds like you are generally doing well and working your way through things. And you have come a long way already too.

As for someone else liking you? This has been a big 'win' area for me. Still a work in progress, but I seem to be managing to lose the significant need for approval I once had. Regardless of how my relationship (didn't) work out, I'm okay. I think I am attractive, kind and intelligent. What's not to like??!!

Yes, not everyone is going to think I'm great, but I'm okay with me and they may or may not choose to spend time with me - and all my joys, faults and flaws and precious uniqueness too...

I think you are on a good path with the Brene work, and if an IC will help you work through a little more, then go for it. And as for your ex and how he behaved. How he took control and was critical - that's all about him..

Xx

[Surv1ve]

Coly -- I think you have at least 2 kids, the one you gave birth to and your MLC!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks everyone for the support and guidance.

I know I'm in a bit of a dip with this whole processing, but I'm doing my best. It's just frustrating.

I'm actually no closer to the D than I was a year ago. Can you believe it? Not an inch closer. I was going through some documents realizing that I'm exactly where I was a year ago. So crazy.

So... Yeah I'm stressed and anxious and I'm doing everything possible to move through it. I know that this is all part of the processing. And I recognize that with each blip, I move farther along.

After my last post, I had a dream where I had to give ex's eulogy. In this dream, I wasn't my best self. I just went up to the alter and laid it out on the table. How difficult it was to love him, how unhappy he was with his life and everyone in it. How he talked poorly about everyone in the room, how he was a liar and a snake. How I loved him... Even when I shouldn't have.... Even when loving him compromised myself. He was exhausting.

It was sad and cathartic. Honestly, I wasn't sure if he was dead or if he was dead to me. Hmmm.

So, now I'm dealing with some sadness, stress, anger over something else. I've been here before, but I'm just scared that I might not have biological children someday. It just feels like every day, it slips further and further away. Now, I know not everything is set in stone, but typically after 35... It's a crapshoot. There's nothing I can do.... Except get knocked up by a stranger or find a sperm donor! But seriously, I'm taking vitamins that "may" help with reproductive health. But it's all I got, on top of a generally healthy lifestyle.

Now let's get real... Of course I can adopt or maybe I'll find someone who has kids already and I can be a great step mom, but for right now in this moment, I'm so depressed over this ticking time bomb.

I'm trying to get better. I recently started "a course in miracles" (hope I can say that name here... It has nothing to do with marriage).... But I have the book and get the audio lessons delivered to my email every day. It is good. Tricky but good. Just trying to elevate myself and my overall existence. Every day is a chance to keep practicing the lessons.

Hmm. That's all I got. Just chugging along minute by minute these days. I know it will get better.... Just takes time.

Hope you all have a great week!