Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #6

[25yearsmlc]

this^^^^.

-You say you don't have expectations, but you tell her (and us) that you "expect her to respect you enough"---/to "at least contact"/phone/ or respond to your texts within a certain time", etc .

These expectations come from her saying she is going to do exactly that, so I do expect her to do what she says she will do,


-I don't think You are as clear and certain with her as you wish. Your comments are not consistent.

When circumstances change, which they have been then there are bound to be changes and inconsistencies to a degree. So yes I can certainly see why you say that, but just like the example above, if I am given her word on something then I do expect her to keep it. She is also very back and forth with things, but she has always been this way, bouncing from one thing to the next.

-Telling her to choose between her family or you is like saying you want her to depend on you and no one else. There are plenty of families that are "not good" for couples or marriages, but they are still her family.

Even if she claimed to choose you, it would linger and be seen as a selfish controlling demand of yours. I imagine that would fester and eventually drive a wedge between you. Maybe it's part of why she left in the first place. In any case, whenever there was a holiday or family event of hers (a wedding, funeral, graduation, vacation, etc)
she'd know she had to give up something she cared about, for you again.

It has nothing to do with me telling her to choose between her family or mine, but that is what she is claiming. When she married I became her family and her relationship changes,as does mine, with your family. It's not better or worse it different. She is suppose to cleave from her parents, but she obviously didn't. Her parents won't always be there for her, but as her husband I am vowing to live the rest of my life with her. When we got married I chose her and her family and she chose me and mine, so this idea of having to choose her family or mine is all hers and quite frankly is ridiculous. As she gets busy in her life in Virginia she hardly even see's any if her family, like I mentioned before that all wore off. The fact that she brings that up, but doesn't acknowledge that she will be sent to where ever this boot camp sends her without her parents is also ridiculous. It's an excuse that she is using for doing what she is doing in my opinion.

-You do fob most of the responsibility for the marital demise on her. Although you make vague references to how you have owned your part, that does not ring as true as the pattern of blaming her does. Maybe you can Review your overall commentary to see where you place the blame the most, rather than dismissing the statement.

I have taken responsibility for everything that I have done wrong rather you believe that or not. She just keeps bringing up over and over that what if thing only change for a little while and then go back to what we were before. That is also a ridiculous notion. To think that I would even want that depressed version of my wife back and have to live through all the same problems again.
I have as much to worry about as her as in will she just abandon the marriage again, we both stand a chance to lose and I have more to lose than she does. She isn't being realistic about it in my opinion.

-I am surprised you discuss having children together within 48 hours of yelling at each other and hanging up the phone. That's not a typical interaction.

-You have not even spent much recent time together. It is very unusual to suggest becoming parents while you also don't expect to live together for the next 2 years. And it was an issue of contention. And you have divorce papers at home.

(I cannot tell if it's an attempt to "fix things" with a baby, thereby locking into a family & making a marital departure harder, or if it's the clock ticking or what.

But parenthood does not lessen marital stress, and it will certainly increase her desire for familial contact.)[/color]

I'm not quite sure why you think that we yelled at each other then discussed children. Children have always been on the plate and was one of her issues. She is angry at me for not talking to her enough about our plans for children and she came to her own conclusion that I didn't want them which isn't true in the least. When I asked when I actually said I didn't want children she admitted that I never said that, so again all in her own head. Then after she initially left she would tell me she is being selfish and doesn't want kids because of her back problems and she doesn't want to give her allergies her kids either. This of course was just a lie and means to get me to react to it, but I didn't play the game. Now she is talking again that she did want kids.....so you tell me how to deal with that and when it's appropriate to talk about.

That's my .02

Cali, in this^^ post you pretty much argue with almost every single thing I said - and for the things you do not argue with, you say nothing. How does that help you?

Also, you said you had an argument and that you screamed at each other (you "could not understand what she was saying) and someone hung up.

You also said the discussion of children came up. (I'm not sure why you are arguing about this.) I don't know which came first, but that is not important to me.

It is true that you would both take a chance if you reconciled, (always true actually) but in the past it was she who gave up things and was not happy, not you.

And it is you here talking about restoring the m, not her.

Yes you did tell her she would have to choose between her family and you, (you went at some length criticizing her mother's past and though it may all be valid, it's divisive)

plus you pretty much just reiterated how your w is failing with how a "wife should" cleave, etc. (Please don't quibble with the word "failing" b/c it need not be literally the word you used, the implication is there).

But rather than searching through your posts to find the exact quote (which is time consuming and just supports the tit for tat debate style you use here), I'd ask you to reflect.

We are not really here to debate. But when I post to you that's the sense I have. Like you are trying to make points or "Win" an argument and then I sense many of us get dragged into that dynamic. I certainly have.

So I want to circle back to asking you how that qpproach helps.

On a related note, decide if and how long you can live with uncertainty. (In theory of course, none of us have certainty if you ponder that).

If you cannot endure not knowing what will happen and when, then you know what you must do.

You can blame her or yourself, or no one, but you do have choice and you can end the uncertainty and be done.

[Cali08]

this^^^^.

-You say you don't have expectations, but you tell her (and us) that you "expect her to respect you enough"---/to "at least contact"/phone/ or respond to your texts within a certain time", etc .

These expectations come from her saying she is going to do exactly that, so I do expect her to do what she says she will do,


-I don't think You are as clear and certain with her as you wish. Your comments are not consistent.

When circumstances change, which they have been then there are bound to be changes and inconsistencies to a degree. So yes I can certainly see why you say that, but just like the example above, if I am given her word on something then I do expect her to keep it. She is also very back and forth with things, but she has always been this way, bouncing from one thing to the next.

-Telling her to choose between her family or you is like saying you want her to depend on you and no one else. There are plenty of families that are "not good" for couples or marriages, but they are still her family.

Even if she claimed to choose you, it would linger and be seen as a selfish controlling demand of yours. I imagine that would fester and eventually drive a wedge between you. Maybe it's part of why she left in the first place. In any case, whenever there was a holiday or family event of hers (a wedding, funeral, graduation, vacation, etc)
she'd know she had to give up something she cared about, for you again.

It has nothing to do with me telling her to choose between her family or mine, but that is what she is claiming. When she married I became her family and her relationship changes,as does mine, with your family. It's not better or worse it different. She is suppose to cleave from her parents, but she obviously didn't. Her parents won't always be there for her, but as her husband I am vowing to live the rest of my life with her. When we got married I chose her and her family and she chose me and mine, so this idea of having to choose her family or mine is all hers and quite frankly is ridiculous. As she gets busy in her life in Virginia she hardly even see's any if her family, like I mentioned before that all wore off. The fact that she brings that up, but doesn't acknowledge that she will be sent to where ever this boot camp sends her without her parents is also ridiculous. It's an excuse that she is using for doing what she is doing in my opinion.

-You do fob most of the responsibility for the marital demise on her. Although you make vague references to how you have owned your part, that does not ring as true as the pattern of blaming her does. Maybe you can Review your overall commentary to see where you place the blame the most, rather than dismissing the statement.

I have taken responsibility for everything that I have done wrong rather you believe that or not. She just keeps bringing up over and over that what if thing only change for a little while and then go back to what we were before. That is also a ridiculous notion. To think that I would even want that depressed version of my wife back and have to live through all the same problems again.
I have as much to worry about as her as in will she just abandon the marriage again, we both stand a chance to lose and I have more to lose than she does. She isn't being realistic about it in my opinion.

-I am surprised you discuss having children together within 48 hours of yelling at each other and hanging up the phone. That's not a typical interaction.

-You have not even spent much recent time together. It is very unusual to suggest becoming parents while you also don't expect to live together for the next 2 years. And it was an issue of contention. And you have divorce papers at home.

(I cannot tell if it's an attempt to "fix things" with a baby, thereby locking into a family & making a marital departure harder, or if it's the clock ticking or what.

But parenthood does not lessen marital stress, and it will certainly increase her desire for familial contact.)[/color]

I'm not quite sure why you think that we yelled at each other then discussed children. Children have always been on the plate and was one of her issues. She is angry at me for not talking to her enough about our plans for children and she came to her own conclusion that I didn't want them which isn't true in the least. When I asked when I actually said I didn't want children she admitted that I never said that, so again all in her own head. Then after she initially left she would tell me she is being selfish and doesn't want kids because of her back problems and she doesn't want to give her allergies her kids either. This of course was just a lie and means to get me to react to it, but I didn't play the game. Now she is talking again that she did want kids.....so you tell me how to deal with that and when it's appropriate to talk about.

That's my .02

Cali, in this^^ post you pretty much argue with almost every single thing I said - and for the things you do not argue with, you say nothing. How does that help you?

I am only answering your post, not arguing, it seems I can't say anything because if I do it is looked at as an argument. I can't disagree or it's an argument. I only have to agree and see only your point to your liking in order for it to seem like I am discussing things rather than an argument. To be clear I see the postings on here as discussion and I am not viewing everyone on here as arguing with me, so it does help me. The mere interaction on here and the back and forth does help. I do consider things and I do take time to consider everything you say. I just don't know how to communicate with you in a way that you will except as not an argument. I actually would love to know exactly why you viewed that way? I am different in how I operate and maybe that is the issue because I am not mentally in the same place as most people one here that interact with each other. I see my post gets quite a bit of traffic, not so much now because I'm really not on here anymore, but I hope that people are getting something valuable out of it.


Also, you said you had an argument and that you screamed at each other (you "could not understand what she was saying) and someone hung up.

You also said the discussion of children came up. (I'm not sure why you are arguing about this.) I don't know which came first, but that is not important to me.

The way it came across was that it was an odd thing to talk about, but I was only pointing out that it isn't because it's been a part of the issue since the beginning. I was only clarifying and was unsure want you were getting at.

It is true that you would both take a chance if you reconciled, (always true actually) but in the past it was she who gave up things and was not happy, not you.

That's not entirely true, I wasn't the most happy husband in the world. My wife was always depressed and was never happy with anything. She had extreme mood changes and I physically had to take care of her often. I just didn't complain about it and did what was necessary because she was my wife and I loved her, so I took care of her and dealt with her issues. It was hard to get her out of the house most times because she was depressed or not feeling good. She had issues and I had to deal with it too.

And it is you here talking about restoring the m, not her.

She is being a coward and chooses not to do the hard and scary thing, that will catch up to her sooner or later. She is afraid of getting marriage counseling because she had a bad experience when she was little.......

Yes you did tell her she would have to choose between her family and you, (you went at some length criticizing her mother's past and though it may all be valid, it's divisive)

I haven't said once that she has to give her family up, this has always been straight from her mouth. I am only telling her that if she chooses her family that means she is choosing them only because that's what she means by that. It seems like it's twisted a little. I have only told her over and over choosing to work on the marriage isn't choosing between my family and hers. That is a ridiculous notion in my opinion. I am her family and that is what she is choosing and with that both families come along with it.

plus you pretty much just reiterated how your w is failing with how a "wife should" cleave, etc. (Please don't quibble with the word "failing" b/c it need not be literally the word you used, the implication is there).

But rather than searching through your posts to find the exact quote (which is time consuming and just supports the tit for tat debate style you use here), I'd ask you to reflect.

We are not really here to debate. But when I post to you that's the sense I have. Like you are trying to make points or "Win" an argument and then I sense many of us get dragged into that dynamic. I certainly have.

This is what I am not doing and as I said above it seems I don't know how to communicate to your liking. I am doing the best I can, but it's always looked as argumentative, but to me I am just answering posts and telling whats on my mind.

So I want to circle back to asking you how that qpproach helps.

On a related note, decide if and how long you can live with uncertainty. (In theory of course, none of us have certainty if you ponder that).

Funny you say that, "none of us have certainty"
because that has been the point I have been trying to get across to my wife. She makes such a big deal about not having certainty that things won't go back to the way they were. On the flip side she tells me she thinks often that things could change and how it would be if they did...... Geez try taking a chance for someone you love. That is what I am doing with her given the circumstances.

If you cannot endure not knowing what will happen and when, then you know what you must do.

Im a positive person and this is such drama in my life that I never had before and being in limbo is such an easy thing for her to change. Asking her point blank what she wants and she tells me she doesn't know. Then I cut her out of my life then she comes back saying she does want to try to figure things out and loves me.
GEEEEEEZZZZ driving me nuts and it's even driving her nuts it seems to.

You can blame her or yourself, or no one, but you do have choice and you can end the uncertainty and be done.

[25yearsmlc]

Stop defending yourself. This is not an attack.

You wrote that you two did yell at each other & hung up.

And yes you did discussed children. Why are you arguing this? I'm not trying to win a debate.

This "communication" style is argumentative,

(& I'm not being sarcastic when I say I don't want to argue that).

Learn to take in feedback. Surely you have gotten feedback at work, which you accepted without debate.

There must have been some occasion wherein you simply listened & did not refute..

[Cali08]

Stop defending yourself. This is not an attack.

You wrote that you two did yell at each other & hung up.

And yes you did discussed children. Why are you arguing this? I'm not trying to win a debate.

This "communication" style is argumentative,

(& I'm not being sarcastic when I say I don't want to argue that).

Learn to take in feedback. Surely you have gotten feedback at work, which you accepted without debate.

There must have been some occasion wherein you simply listened & did not refute..

Ok........I didn't say you were attacking me. I am just responding..... I'm not arguing about discussing children. I was clarifying that it wasn't an odd thing to discuss with my wife regardless if we yelled at each other because it's been one of the issues the entire time. In those terms it's quite a normal thing to talk about if we are working on resolving issues.

Of course I have taken feedback and there is usually discussion that happens with that, which is what I am trying to do. I don't refute any of this as your point of view. It is what it is......

I'm just really confused as how to communicate with you I suppose...... Nothing I do works.

[Cali08]

OK, so I'm wanting to lovingly detach from my wife, as I have heard it referred to. I feel less and less as if we are married and are connected in much of anyway anymore, so I think this is a better way of going than just cutting her out completely like I have done before. Although, that has been what produced the most reaction out of her. I am not exactly sure what that all entails though. Can anyone give advice on this subject?

What I have done for the last couples weeks has been not reaching out to my wife at all and letting her reach out to me. Instead of shutting her out as a I did before. Basically I am happy to hear from her and I respond very friendly and positively to her. I certainly don't respond right away and I don't say too much, but I am not ignoring her. I will ask about her day and we will exchange a few texts and that's it. I think, but not to sure, my wife has reached out to me only a few times in the last couple weeks.

Is this a positive thing to do in this relationship and the way it's going? The last time I reached out to her and we had a bit of a fight and then a long conversation I ended it with a text message to her after we got off the phone. I simply said I don't want any more drama, just love and understanding. So what I'm doing now is that....in my opinion anyway. I'm just not exactly sure how to go about it.

I still have divorce papers sitting at home that I have done nothing with and my wife doesn't seem concerned with it at the moment either. I'm sure her main focus is that of the boot camp she is in, which I understand. I still wonder if I should sign the papers and send them back anyway. I have heard my wife say in so many words that she really liked it when we just talked and got along, like we are best friends. I want to get along with her, but at the same time I feel things need to be faced, but she runs from it. So at this point I'm just going to be supportive and nice to her and see how it goes I guess. It is just weird considering we have no other contact at all. Although I do know she see's things on Facebook and Instagram posted from me or my family because she brings it up from time to time.

This brings me another thought of maybe blocking her from seeing what I am up too because at this point it's none of her business just like what she does is none of my business as I have been told so many times. To me maybe that would be another way of detaching from her and letting her know that I am moving on. What would anyone's thoughts on this?

[25yearsmlc]

OK, so I'm wanting to lovingly detach from my wife, as I have heard it referred to.

ok so when i comment, try not to refute. Just explain or ponder, okay?


I feel less and less as if we are married and are connected in much of anyway anymore, so I think this is a better way of going than just cutting her out completely like I have done before. Although, that has been what produced the most reaction out of her. I am not exactly sure what that all entails though. Can anyone give advice on this subject?

lovingly detaching is not to get a reaction out of her.

It's to lovingly detach so you protect yourself without cutting her off AND to let her be herself without you attaching to her choices. I will post a more detailed explanation soon.

Detaching is not indifference and it's certainly not cutting her off. "No Contact" is cutting her off. That is what I am doing, as h and I are in the middle of a pending trial. It is gross and rough on the kids. But its so much better than more conflict. Our story is over, however.


What I have done for the last couples weeks has been not reaching out to my wife at all and letting her reach out to me. Instead of shutting her out as a I did before. Basically I am happy to hear from her and I respond very friendly and positively to her. I certainly don't respond right away and I don't say too much, but I am not ignoring her. I will ask about her day and we will exchange a few texts and that's it. I think, but not to sure, my wife has reached out to me only a few times in the last couple weeks.

what is wrong with ^^^this approach? If you don't end up generating her choice to recommit, soon, will you think it failed & then change course?

Whatever you decide, do it for long enough to really know if it's working.



Is this a positive thing to do in this relationship and the way it's going? The last time I reached out to her and we had a bit of a fight and then a long conversation I ended it with a text message to her after we got off the phone.

that was one conversation. Back off.

I simply said I don't want any more drama, just love and understanding.

no offense, but isn't this^^^ how most people feel?


So what I'm doing now is that....in my opinion anyway. I'm just not exactly sure how to go about it.

I still have divorce papers sitting at home that I have done nothing with and my wife doesn't seem concerned with it at the moment either. I'm sure her main focus is that of the boot camp she is in, which I understand. I still wonder if I should sign the papers and send them back anyway.

contradictory^^. Why would you "lovingly detach" & then "wonder if" you should sign & send the divorce papers?

oh, you want to get a reaction from her. Obviously. Which is not detaching and is not loving.

Do you see that?


I have heard my wife say in so many words that she really liked it when

then do that^^^

we just talked and got along, like we are best friends. I want to get along with her, but at the same time I feel things need to be faced, but she runs from it.

Can you back off for a few months and just "be"?

So at this point I'm just going to be supportive and nice to her and see how it goes

what if you were "supportive and nice to her" - period? Why would that have to change?

I suggest backing off but that is not cutting her off.


I guess. It is just weird considering we have no other contact at all.


such as what? I mean, FaceTime? I'm asking

Although I do know she see's things on Facebook and Instagram posted from me or my family because she brings it up from time to time.

This brings me another thought of maybe blocking her from seeing what I am up too because at this point it's none of her business just like what she does is none of my business as I have been told so many times.


WTF? Stop swinging from one extreme to the other. You just said you want to be "supportive and nice to her" (and I would note that you imply that this is a new approach).

Now you want to either punish her or get a reaction from her. Lovingly detaching is not about cornering her or trying to get a reaction.

Cali, if you pretend you are not trying to get a reaction from her when you have admitted it outright and it's obvious from your comments, then you are really out of touch with your own conduct.

Just be...maybe see how long you can do that.

To me maybe that would be another way of detaching from her and letting her know that I am moving on.


no it would not be detaching let alone lovingly. It's cutting her off.


What would anyone's thoughts on this?

[Cali08]

We also have our wedding anniversary coming up. Since we are still married and communicating, should I be doing anything for it. Sending a small gift or anything?? I assume this is a big no, but as her husband still..... Like I said above it feels less and less like Im married...

[25yearsmlc]

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (= Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

[Cali08]

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (= Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

Thank you! Then what about our anniversary? Nothing at all, should I even acknowledge it?

[Cali08]

OK, so I'm wanting to lovingly detach from my wife, as I have heard it referred to.

ok so when i comment, try not to refute. Just explain or ponder, okay?



I feel less and less as if we are married and are connected in much of anyway anymore, so I think this is a better way of going than just cutting her out completely like I have done before. Although, that has been what produced the most reaction out of her. I am not exactly sure what that all entails though. Can anyone give advice on this subject?

lovingly detaching is not to get a reaction out of her.

It's to lovingly detach so you protect yourself without cutting her off AND to let her be herself without you attaching to her choices. I will post a more detailed explanation soon.

Detaching is not indifference and it's certainly not cutting her off. "No Contact" is cutting her off. That is what I am doing, as h and I are in the middle of a pending trial. It is gross and rough on the kids. But its so much better than more conflict. Our story is over, however.


What I have done for the last couples weeks has been not reaching out to my wife at all and letting her reach out to me. Instead of shutting her out as a I did before. Basically I am happy to hear from her and I respond very friendly and positively to her. I certainly don't respond right away and I don't say too much, but I am not ignoring her. I will ask about her day and we will exchange a few texts and that's it. I think, but not to sure, my wife has reached out to me only a few times in the last couple weeks.

what is wrong with ^^^this approach? If you don't end up generating her choice to recommit, soon, will you think it failed & then change course?

Whatever you decide, do it for long enough to really know if it's working.


I don't see anything wrong with the approach and honestly I am tired of trying to do anything else. It's much easier to do this approach it seems, or at least it's a lot less work for me. Doing it for long enough to know if it works or not is a good idea and fine by me because as I said it's tiring doing anything else.


Is this a positive thing to do in this relationship and the way it's going? The last time I reached out to her and we had a bit of a fight and then a long conversation I ended it with a text message to her after we got off the phone.

that was one conversation. Back off.

I simply said I don't want any more drama, just love and understanding.

no offense, but isn't this^^^ how most people feel?

My text message to her was directly relating to our conversation we had on the phone and I was reaffirming what I said to her and being open and clear with her. I get your point that it's what most people want, but there are a lot of people who really thrive and seem to need drama in their life and I sure hope that isn't what my wife needs.

So what I'm doing now is that....in my opinion anyway. I'm just not exactly sure how to go about it.

I still have divorce papers sitting at home that I have done nothing with and my wife doesn't seem concerned with it at the moment either. I'm sure her main focus is that of the boot camp she is in, which I understand. I still wonder if I should sign the papers and send them back anyway.

contradictory^^. Why would you "lovingly detach" & then "wonder if" you should sign & send the divorce papers?

oh, you want to get a reaction from her. Obviously. Which is not detaching and is not loving.

Do you see that?


I can see why you say that. My thought was that it would be part of the detaching process from her honestly, but if I shouldn't worry about it then I won't, easy enough for me.

I have heard my wife say in so many words that she really liked it when

then do that^^^

we just talked and got along, like we are best friends. I want to get along with her, but at the same time I feel things need to be faced, but she runs from it.

Can you back off for a few months and just "be"?

So at this point I'm just going to be supportive and nice to her and see how it goes

what if you were "supportive and nice to her" - period? Why would that have to change?

I suggest backing off but that is not cutting her off.

This is actually my thought process too and it's not only her that prefers that kind of communication. I am actually very good at just being and not letting things bother me. I can see you rolling your eyes back in your head now. lol! I have been told by more women that have been in my life than just my wife that "nothing ever bothers you". It has always been said as it is a negative thing though or at least that is the way it comes off. I'm sure it's a plea for more emotion out of me or something to that nature.


I guess. It is just weird considering we have no other contact at all.


such as what? I mean, FaceTime? I'm asking

As is being weird because I don't feel like that is a healthy with someone you are in a relationship with let alone your spouse. Out of sight out of mind and the less contact seems to be detrimental in my opinion. I can tell you that I feel less and less in a relationship with my wife because of that exact thing. Then again maybe that is just me and I am different, but I think that feeling is exaggerated considering she abandoned me I suppose.

Although I do know she see's things on Facebook and Instagram posted from me or my family because she brings it up from time to time.

This brings me another thought of maybe blocking her from seeing what I am up too because at this point it's none of her business just like what she does is none of my business as I have been told so many times.


WTF? Stop swinging from one extreme to the other. You just said you want to be "supportive and nice to her" (and I would note that you imply that this is a new approach).

Now you want to either punish her or get a reaction from her. Lovingly detaching is not about cornering her or trying to get a reaction.

Cali, if you pretend you are not trying to get a reaction from her when you have admitted it outright and it's obvious from your comments, then you are really out of touch with your own conduct.

Just be...maybe see how long you can do that.

Again I was thinking that would be part of detaching from her. When everyone tells me that nothing she does is any of my business then I was thinking it goes both ways.... Nothing more to it then that. I am not sure how blocking her from seeing my Facebook posts is punishing her. She left so why would it matter anyway.
Just so you know she probably wouldn't even notice that I did such a thing because every time she sees something on social media it is through my family and on Instagram which I am not on. She has actually said that she thinks Facebook is voyeuristic, which I find an off thing to say. She claims to never be on Facebook either.... anyway not my intention to punish her, but to detach, which I actually stated below. If this is the wrong idea then that's fine and I'll leave it alone.

To me maybe that would be another way of detaching from her and letting her know that I am moving on.


no it would not be detaching let alone lovingly. It's cutting her off.

Ok it's cutting her off and that isn't my goal, so I got it.


What would anyone's thoughts on this?