I agree on a simple message. You're a straight-talking guy, so tell her you'd rather talk on the phone. Just do it without anger, nicely, as if you're talking to a broken version of the woman you love.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I agree on a simple message. You're a straight-talking guy, so tell her you'd rather talk on the phone. Just do it without anger, nicely, as if you're talking to a broken version of the woman you love.
I have been in the mindset that she is broken right now and that is why I except a lot of things coming from her. I have also told her straight out the Id rather talk on the phone and even more so do this in person.
I really am torn on a letter or not because it will be a good way for me to say things that I want to say, but I also don't want to make things worse with a letter and she has a way of bringing things up and twisting things at times. The funny thing is that she can be hypocritical at times with stuff like this. It's ok for her to be one way, but if I do it then it's a problem. In other words I don't want to give her this kind of ammo towards me by putting things in writing that she can reference like it's the gospel.
Like I said she will do this because I have seen it before, but it's OK for her to say things and then I should accept for when she says it wasn't true or she changed her mind. Just like the things she said to my friends wife that were not true and when I confronted her on them she was angry that I found out and then just wrote it off that she was angry when she said it so it's some how doesn't count.
Why do you need a boundary letter? A few simple sentences is all you need. "This sporadic texting relationship isn't working. If you can't or won't speak with me on the phone, then perhaps this isn't going to work"
I have read about giving boundaries on here, so why it it a bad thing for me to do?
I have this very strong feeling that you want to work this out because of your bruised ego. The vibe I have been getting very strongly since you began posting is "me and my family are so much better for her than her own family and we are the one's who accept her despite all her faults (you mention quite often how great you are because you accept her with her "many" faults). And this woman is now rejecting you, and how dare she!"
I'm simply going to say that no this isn't correct, but you will of course still think little of me. I read all the time that most of the time there are regrets later on down the road for leaving the person who loved them and realizing that they really were what they wanted, but if I say it out load I am just an ego maniac. I talk about her many faults because she acts as if she had none and then talks about the faults I had in the marriage and acts like I had nothing at all to deal with when it came to her. She talks about her family but doesn't accept how good my family was to her. Once again you don't know me or my family personally so it's hard for you to understand things.
Some on here will actually agree on saving the marriage totally out of commitment. I don't. Because if you lack love and respect for her (you say you love her, but I don't think you ever accepted her as an adult woman with her own mind) you'll end up back here with more damage.
I personally I think you should sign the papers, end this, and go find your match, find a woman you do respect for all she is independent of you, who you feel lucky to have as she feels lucky to have you.
Very few people I have told on here they would probably be better off ending it, but I think you might be one of those.
I do love my wife and respect her. I don't respect what she has done. I wouldn't have ever married her if I didn't have these things for her and believe me when I say that I took my time to find the right person, otherwise I would have been married to other people well before she ever came into the picture. Saying that I don't have respect or love for her is so far off from the truth that it's even silly to say. Why on this earth would I ever want to marry someone that I didn't at the very least have those two things for? She very much had her own mind and that is why it constantly changed from month to month on what she wanted to do and was never happy with anything for an extended period of time.
So why do you give advice for me to run away from my marriage when I clearly state over and over again that I want it to work. This reminds me of what Michelle says in her book that you need to find a counselor that is pro-marriage.
Do you really believe this? "So why do you give advice for me to run away from my marriage when I clearly state over and over again that I want it to work."
I can't use the quote button but I wish someone would go through and repeat each time you said you could take her or leave her and you'd be fine without her, and you may as well just sign the divorce papers.
This has to start with you being honest with yourself.
Do you really believe this? "So why do you give advice for me to run away from my marriage when I clearly state over and over again that I want it to work."
I can't use the quote button but I wish someone would go through and repeat each time you said you could take her or leave her and you'd be fine without her, and you may as well just sign the divorce papers.
This has to start with you being honest with yourself.
Yes I believe that. I love my wife and want it to work, but I am realistic to that fact that it might not work and it might be a blessing in disguise. So yes I stand by what I said and it's not a contradiction like you think it is.
I can move on and leave her and I will most certainly be fine without her. That has nothing to do with me not loving her. I am sure this is a weird concept for you, but it isn't for me. I can do what has to be done and if it is what happens it is what happens and I won't fight over the reality of it. It's like crying over or arguing with the rain.....it won't do you any good to do either one and it's still going to rain.
Talk is overrated, silence on the other hand is underrated...
This I completely agree with!! Certainly affects my wife, but on one hand giving her the silent treatment was something she couldn't stand!
You giving her the silent treatment whilst you were married was you being a passive aggressive shyte. Giving her time and space to find herself again now while your marriage is on the rocks, on the other hand is the only way to possibly save your marriage.
I have read about giving boundaries on here, so why it it a bad thing for me to do?
A letter says far more than the words you write in it. The very act of writing a letter says that she is prominently on your mind, that her actions and decisions impact you enough that you feel compelled to write grand proclamations out and send them to her, etc.
It would be fine to state a boundary such as "I'm not going to continue a conversation while you speak to me with such disrespect" and then hanging up, writing a letter isn't a recommended DB approach.
The goal is to achieve a true detachment. If you were to overhear your receptionist at work mention to her friend that she went out partying and got high, you wouldn't write her a boundary letter. You would just walk on by and not give it another thought. If she invited you to a party and that wasn't your scene you would use that information and politely decline. But you wouldn't explain your reasons most likely, you'd just say 'no thanks'. THAT is detachment.
No need to explain your boundaries. Simply enforce them. Most people do the opposite; they explain them and then struggle to enforce them.
If she comes back and pursues by asking questions about why your behavior has changed you can decide whether to be drawn into a conversation about explaining yourself (I'd keep it brief like in my example above about not accepting disrespect, one sentence and then moving on). But if she doesn't chase you down then it makes zero sense to chase her down and start an R talk so you can explain how you're going to be detaching from her when the sum of all of those actions contradict what your words are saying.
This is the DB outlook and why our answers have been fairly consistent. You of course will follow your own path. You'll find my boundary because while I care for you with a brotherly love, I won't be chasing you down to fight about it. I do wish you the best Cali.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
OK, so I had continued to ignore my wife and her text, then she text me Friday morning asking if I wasn't going to talk to her again and why Im not responding. Then she apologized for and said she was truly sorry if I felt she was ignoring me and not texting me while on vacation. I was totally fine with her being on vacation and talking to me very little, it was no bother, but when vacation was over and it took her 3 days to respond to a simple question that is when I went onto radio silence with her for the last week.
Anyway her text continued....
W: You're not talking to me. I deserve that. You were too kind to talk to me before. I guess I should just leave you alone. If you text or call I will respond and if not.....yeah.
I will try you again several times for a while....
At this point I had enough and decided to do what I feel best and not what is said here or anywhere else, but what I felt in my mind and heart that I needed to do.....so I told her what I though. It wasn't everything because she didn't let me get that far, but this is what I said to her and how she responded. Im sure you guys will find it wrong or what ever, but hey ....what can I say the results speak for themselves. That being said I still don't have much expectation right now. OK, so in with what happened.
ME: Look I have a lot to say to you. I think about things everyday. You are my wife and I love you, but I'm not here to be your random text message friend when ever you're bored or lonely. I have asked you for more. I deserve more than a text message here and there when you feel like it. If I truly mattered, if any of this truly mattered the least you can do is pick up the phone and call me. You have all the time in the world to talk and text anyone else, but with me.... it's below you I guess.
I had no problems with you being on vacation and having a good time. I was excited for you and happy. I like to see you happy. Your vacation was over and you kept up the barely talking to me. I asked you a simple questing that took you 3 days to respond too. What am I supposed to think. You are doing the exact things to me that you complained about me doing to you. The difference is I never ignored you for days on end I always got back to you because I wanted to and not because I had too.
Your off making a new life for yourself with no thoughts of me in it. Yet everyday and all my decisions I make and my family makes have you still in them as if perhaps our relationship was stronger than this. I'm this way because I believe in marriage and the vows we took to each other. I'm the one living in the house that we had memories in, things we created together, pictures and things we bought together. You completely abandoned anything and everything that had to do with me or even a gift I bought you. The only thing you decided to keep was the wedding ring.
I have been putting so much effort into this with very little in return. I am wanting to communicate with you better because that was a major issue in our relationship yet its like pulling teeth trying to talk to you..... not all the time and you seem to get better and then you dump in me again.
I have let you back into my life twice now, once in Hawaii and the other while I was in Texas. All only for you to continue to dump on me. To tell me you have plans of a three month boot camp so technically you can't come back. Then after that you have a 2 year commitment. You are looking for happiness in a job and in a state of residence rather than dealing with your real issues. You are a coward and continue to avoid the hard stuff. It wasn't hard for you to run away and go back to your parents house and let them pay your bills why you figure things out. You tell me your parents don't get involved, but clearly they are.
You will regret one day letting your parents get involved in your marriage. Making you feel guilty being with me. Your mom telling you she is tired you of calling her crying. Instead of giving you support and strength to do the right thing, the hard thing, and to stay to work on things. You just ran from it, from me, from my family. Your ran from true love, not just from me, but everyone here. My family wants things to work for us, but your family doesn't get involved..... this seems like they don't care about me....I might even say it's not caring about you either and just being selfish. Helping you get away from the hard work instead of encouraging you to stay with someone you say you love.
I have a lot to say....... a lot of thoughts. This isn't me giving up on you and it never has been..... it's always been you giving up on me. I am here for you, I love you and care about you more than you know..... You used to say the same about me. I am willing to be here with you through think and thin and to be there when you need someone to lean on..... hell I am willing to carry you when it's too hard.
All you have to do is pick up the phone and call me...... I have asked for it and I have waited for it, but you seem to think it isn't worth it.
I have always thought of you as worth it and that is why I am still here...... waiting in vain. We both have or issues to deal with. Things we need to do better in the marriage. I have been there for you for a lot of yours and yet I still loved you through it......
I have told you many times to call me. It simply means more than a text message. Bottom line is you will do what it takes for things that matter to you. I have taken a lot of responsibility for things and haven't asked you to take any. My respect for myself can only be abused for so long. The hard truth is that ff it wasn't for you being my wife then I would have been done a very long time ago. I am committed and I am a man of my word, but if I continue to see this going like it is then I don't see the point. I said it before and I'll say it again. I will not be the reason for the collapse of this marriage.
Looking at my nephew on his birthday and him asking me when his aunt is coming back..... [censored] and you don't have to deal with any of that. I suppose out of sight out of mind and that is why you ran from it all.
I don't want to regret anything with you....... when you realize that I was a man that never gave up on you and loved you through it all despite things happening that probably would have sent others packing then maybe you will regret things.....
She then responded with.....drum roll please....
W: All that you say makes sense and I do want to talk. I am serious about talking to you and working things out. What are you doing right now?
Then my phone rang and we talk for about an hour and half before we both had to go do thing. We talked about how to work with and around her doing the boot camp and getting a good job that will benefit us both in the long run. She talked about maybe having to do a long distance relationship for a little bit while she establishes a good job....could be up to 2 years. We talked about flying out to see each other and she brought up a fair point that we were already doing a long distance relationship with me going away for work. I said that is fair enough, but the difference is I was coming home to her and we lived together not a continent apart.
The next conversation came when she called me back at 10:30 my time and 1:30 her time. She didn't want to get off the phone with me and talked to me until 5 am her time when she was so tired that she was having a hard time staying up. This conversation was just fun and we laughed and just talked about what ever came to mind. This conversation was a very normal on as to what we used to do. I have since been texting with pretty much all day and calling each other in the evening to say goodnight.
OK, so what does everybody think about these turn of events? Like I said earlier I am not getting hopes up and I really have no expectations and I am taking this in the same stride I have started all the relationships in my life with women. In other words I am just letting it unfold and grow naturally.
