Limerence and My Situation 2

[Parkema]

Hi Btrow,

Thanks for the point to 2016sux post and it’s a great view on how to look at our situations, I agree with you that she already knows so much about me and also part of me feels hopeful as I also know so much about her!
With that in mind I still don’t see her A faltering any time soon, he’s a co-worker she sees every day I have had to move out and let her carry on with him in the family home and in my bed due to the constant torture imposed on not just me but my boys also.

So she has the perfect world an A half the week when I have my boys and the family life when she gets to have them, why would she give this up..!

Thanks for the response though I really got a lot from 2016sux insight.

Mark.

[LH19]

Mark,

That "I need to be her best friend" bs is beta behavior that you see in today's movies that just doesn't work.

You are doing great job at improving yourself. I have no doubt you are 100% committed to getting your wife back.

The fastest way to do it is to completely let her go and live life for you and your boys.

Be mysterious, be a bad a$$, challenge yourself everyday. Trust me when I tell you she will notice.

Stay strong my friend! Either way you will be fine!

[Parkema]

Hi LH19,

Thanks for the pep talk I need as many as I can get, keep me on the straight and narrow.

I totally understand the thinking about the best friend thing and I’m not going to be that person who is trying to be better than the AP/LO it’s just that when she comes calling I’ll just be friendly and validate her, somewhat cheerlead where I feel it necessary.

“The fastest way to do it is to completely let her go and live life for you and your boys.” Yes I see this and will work towards doing this much better as after all it’s the only thing I can do that I actually have control over.

Thanks’ guys I feel I have direction if little hope.

Mark.

[AnotherStander]

I’m a firm believer in that people don’t leave something for something worse and without me demonstrating to her that I am the better option than the AP/LO where’s the draw?

You are wrong there, WAS's almost always "affair down". We've talked about it so much here that it's become a phrase. Why they do it isn't completely clear, but it's probably because they felt neglected in the M so if they "affair down" they find an OP that is so happy to have someone "out of their league" that they jump through hoops for them and make them feel super special.

With that in mind I still don’t see her A faltering any time soon, he’s a co-worker she sees every day I have had to move out and let her carry on with him in the family home and in my bed due to the constant torture imposed on not just me but my boys also.

So she has the perfect world an A half the week when I have my boys and the family life when she gets to have them, why would she give this up..!

You really don't know that. LBS's always imagine the WAS is living a grand life while the LBS is suffering. That's rarely the case, the WAS is usually pretty miserable too. They prop themselves up with flings for the temporary good feelings they offer, but that doesn't mean they're loving life.

Besides, focusing on that does not serve you in any way, shape or form. You need to focus on the amazing life ahead of you! Maybe it's with W or maybe a new woman, but there ARE incredible things in store for you. I can't remember if I posted this in your thread or someone else's a while back, but I love the show Vikings. There's a scene where Rollo is whining to the Seer after he's lost everything and his life is in the pooper. He asks the Seer if it's all over for him. The Seer starts laughing and says "Oh Rollo, if you knew what the gods have in store for you, you would go down right now and dance naked on the beach!" BD, S and D, this stuff isn't the end of our life novel. It closes one chapter and opens another. Don't be afraid to turn the page, if you knew what was in the next chapter you would no doubt WANT to turn the page.

I was in your exact same position. Depressed, sad, beat down. The ONLY solution I could see was to restore my M and put things back to "normal". I wanted that more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. I prayed day and night for that. I did not get what I wanted. I got something better. I have a young, sexy, beautiful girlfriend that thinks the world of me. We go for rides on my Harley, we travel together, we go to haunted houses, renaissance festivals, we go to Six Flags, and yes we have unbelievable, uninhibited, no-holds-barred sex the likes of which I never even imagined until I met her.

I also have a better relationship with my kids than I did before (and it wasn't bad at all before). My son and I have time to ourselves that we call "dude time" where we do stuff together- play video games, watch a movie, race gokarts, etc. My daughters are grown and moved out now but I go visit them and they come visit me.

I am also in better shape than I have been in decades. I eat right now, I do Crossfit 4 or 5 times a week, and I make sure to make some time for my hobbies to keep my mental health up as well.

Do you know what the difference is between me and you? Time and GAL. That's it. I can't stress it enough, I was as low as or lower than you and every other LBS on here. But I dragged my sorry butt out and I GAL'd. It was the hardest thing I've done in my life at first. But I made myself do it. And again, and again until I started enjoying it in spite of myself. Then I started saying "hey if I enjoy this, maybe life isn't over after all, what else might I enjoy doing?" And it went from there.

So STOP focusing on your W. STOP thinking about how great she has it while you're just suffering. STOP waiting for something to happen. START living YOUR life.

[Parkema]

Hi AS

Slowly learning what you mean.

As the post mention there is very little interaction with WW this is making it easier to move forward with my GAL'ing, again I think you're right that I haven't got to the point yet where she's out of my system after all I spent the last 12 years being with this person heart body and soul but the longer this goes on the thinner the rope...

I see my situation being played out in two definitive stages, the detachment which is almost there and the second stage is the showing WW when she comes knocking the best me who's enjoying himself getting out and meeting people whether it's faking it or not.

No more thinking about her but I feel baby steps!

Thanks again

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hi All,

Well the time has come where my WW has taken my S10 & 8 away with her AP/LO for a week, Yesterday was particularly hard and my WW could see that this hurt a lot when it came to me saying goodbye and wishing them a good time with their mum.
I had a tear in my eye which my WW saw and she mouthed “sorry” to me I turned away from her as I didn’t want her to see this having an effect on me BUT deep down I couldn’t help myself. I am slowly coming to terms with these situations and remained calm and eventually happy when we were together, my boys are amazing and just take everything in their stride and are a good example for me in how I should be acting.

I realised though that Yesterday wasn’t about her leaving me for a week with her AP/LO this I had no problems with it was just that I feel completely replaced with him living in my house, sleeping in my bed and playing happy families with my WW and boys. So far I have not seen this individual and my WW is keeping to the boundary I put in place for HIS benefit.

I backslid a bit though as my WW mentioned that it was only for 4-nights and that I had them the previous week and she missed them the same! I basically took the boys away for 2 days (1-night) last week and she seems to think this was hard for her I wish she could have been in my shoes at that point to see just how hurtful this whole episode is going to be for me…
I feel I might have plied some guilt on her and the leaving was not what I wanted it to be this affected me more than I thought it would.
How could she take my boys away from me with him..? Part of the fantasy…?

Anyway I’m now going to GAL for my life this week to keep me occupied as I’ve NEVER been away from my boys at all throughout their lives for this amount of time, not sure it will affect them but sure will me.

Thanks.

Mark.

[AnotherStander]

How could she take my boys away from me with him..? Part of the fantasy…?

I would love to share with you my thoughts on that, except with the electronic censoring on this forum I'm afraid it would just look something like this "***** ****** *** ****". That is so incredibly disrespectful to you and the kids that I can barely hold my tongue. At least my XW had the courtesy to keep OM away from the kids until well after our D, and they never did go on a vacation together. Your W really takes the cake, her selfishness is frankly outrageous. Very sorry you're being put through this, a stray dog would no doubt get more compassion from her. Hang in there buddy, you are strong, you can do this!

[Tread]

You are clearly stronger than myself. I would have snapped at the very suggestion of bringing my child around OM. Your W has taken the disrespect to a whole new level. I know you feel that you have to hold all of this in front of your W, but it's alright to let her know that you are disgusted with this decision.

[Parkema]

Thanks AS, Tread,

Difficult times for sure.

Don’t get me wrong I definitely told WW that I thought what she was planning to do over the holidays as a total disrespect to not only me but the boys as well, I mentioned that she is putting them in a position that is pitting me against the AP/LO and is grossly unfair on them.
I pointed out to her that it was morally wrong for her to introduce a stranger into their lives but all this fell on deaf ears and just escalated resentment in her.

Being a profound Mr Nice Guy the disrespect demonstrated through these conversations was so obvious and knowing there was no way I could prevent this from happening I basically had to accept the fact.

The boys call me each day to “check in” but what do I say? “I hope you and your brother are enjoying yourselves, what you up to!” It’s interesting as every time they have called WW has chirped in with some kind of comment. I try to keep these conversations short as knowing they’re on the beach with WW and boyfriend is kind of hard to take but it’s not their fault, so far I have found that I could easily manage not seeing WW again as I’m realising it’s the boys I miss now and not her so progress there and again where will I be this time next year…

Thanks for your continued support.

Mark.

[Btrow]

Don’t get me wrong I definitely told WW that I thought what she was planning to do over the holidays as a total disrespect to not only me but the boys as well, I mentioned that she is putting them in a position that is pitting me against the AP/LO and is grossly unfair on them.
I pointed out to her that it was morally wrong for her to introduce a stranger into their lives but all this fell on deaf ears and just escalated resentment in her.

Mark,
When ever there is something you want to tell or text your W, ask yourself first "what can I accomplish by telling this?". You're a smart guy. You know you won't accomplish anything positive at all. You can only make things worse. You know she isn't hearing you right now. All that she hear is "blah blah negative blah blah". I know why you do it. I get it.

But for the sake of your sitch, be the bigger person. She sure isn't right now, so if you want things to take a turn for the better eventually, you have to pull back and let things run their natural course.

Here is a little trick for you when you feel a bit down. Just imagine the look on your W's face when AP eventually dumps her. That sad "WTF I lost everything" look. That should lift your mood a bit