Ok I read all your posts and processed them as best I could. I didn't mean make it like score keeping when I say that I do everything for the kids. But you are right. There is still resentment there for him not being a full time parent like I am. But he is still puts in more hours at work then I. And yes resentment for him cake eating. He would for sure take the kids any time I asked. He already does take them out to dinner one night a week. I have not said any of this to him in person. Right now I am mostly disinterested in his life and I keep calm when I am near him. The only child I see having issues is our daughter. She missed a lot of school last year because of this. We've talked and I hope things will be better this year. If not I will get her IC. Good point about doing more then him then saving the marriage. Definitely food for thought. Ok I will continue to model my new behaviour. And go out and do my GAL activities. Our break in August will be good for us. Hopefully he see that he misses being around me and our family. And if he doesn't. Then I will be ok with that.
Ok I read all your posts and processed them as best I could. I didn't mean make it like score keeping when I say that I do everything for the kids. But you are right. There is still resentment there for him not being a full time parent like I am. But he is still puts in more hours at work then I. And yes resentment for him cake eating.
Turn this^^ around. What if HE said "I work way harder than w, and she resents ME?"
Where is the "cake eating", btw? I'm serious b/c if he's working longer hours, to enable you to go home, how is that cake eating? I'm not saying you are taking it easy by any means.
I'm just wondering if you can see HIS point of view. He would for sure take the kids any time I asked. He already does take them out to dinner one night a week. I have not said any of this to him in person.
Sounds really good. So what is it you have not said to him?
Right now I am mostly disinterested in his life and I keep calm when I am near him. This ^^ is great.
The only child I see having issues is our daughter. She missed a lot of school last year because of this. We've talked and I hope things will be better this year. If not I will get her IC. any chance you can get her into IC now? There's no school and she's already had problems. I don't mean to guilt you!!
I'm thinking out loud that I waited too long with our d19 and until I saw actual damage, I didn't get it.
And damage is sort of hard to undo. Would have been better for me to help her turn the corner before she hit that wall.
Good point about doing more then him then saving the marriage. Definitely food for thought. meaning, that measuring when he's not even on board saving the m, isn't a great use of our time. Is that what you meant?
Also, btw, sometimes we forget that our spouses have their own scorecards. They measure things differently than we do, and we have not seen their viewpoint at times. We might be very surprised at the scoring process they use, and or their resentments...
On their score cards, we are rarely ahead.
Ok I will continue to model my new behaviour. And go out and do my GAL activities. Our break in August will be good for us. Hopefully he see that he misses being around me and our family. And if he doesn't. Then I will be ok with that.
You can do this. Keep at it and DO get some tools. Undoing our old habits and customs is very hard.
Usually takes outside help and there is no shame in that. Seriously.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have outside help. I see an IC. And I will get my D into seeing her. Yes I agree he is resentful of me going home to be with the kids. He always says I'm a part timer. I guess I just find it hard. Like today. He is sick and grumpy and miserable to me. It is taking everything in me to continue to be calm and not react. Because I know he isn't feeling well. It's frustrating to know that if I acted the same way he would be all over me. Just one of those days today where everything is bugging me. Yes I am getting my IC to help me to overcome my resentment. And I have come a long way. And you are right. He is tired and depressed. I guess I am also at the point where it's hard to not believe everything he says and if he says he wants it to end. Then I am at the point where I think what is the sense of dragging things on. I get it it gives me space to work on me and ultimately things will improve either way. Yes I work on myself everyday and I find it is flowing into other aspects of my life. I am way more patient with my kids. And I am more present in their lives and for that I am so thankful. And if it wasn't for this separation I never would have seen myself for who I was. And never would have had the chance to change who I am.
I am frustrated because I have not been arguiing with him and kept things really mellow and good. Now today he is in a bad mood and everything is my fault again. So all the good I have done is gone in his mind because of him being sick and in a bad mood. Just voicing my disjointed thoughts.
So a question. Tomorrow will be the last time I see H until September. He's taking the kids on a month long vacation. Do I wish him a good trip? Or do I not say anything?
So a question. Tomorrow will be the last time I see H until September. He's taking the kids on a month long vacation. Do I wish him a good trip? Or do I not say anything?
Sure. You are an upbeat positive happy woman, with fun things planned for YOU and new interesting people to meet. Don't present your needs to your h, but your best self.
I think you should wish them all well and give him something to miss.
No down side to this^^ that I can see.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hard night tonight. H is a wedding of what I thought were mutual friends. They only invited him. I'm having hard time thinking of him dancing with other women. I am sure friends are asking him to dance. And yes I'm having a hard time detaching from that. I did plan activities today to take my mind off it. But now I'm home and it's all I'm thinking about. Going to play mindless games on my phone until I can fall asleep.
Hard night tonight. H is a wedding of what I thought were mutual friends. They only invited him. I'm having hard time thinking of him dancing with other women. I am sure friends are asking him to dance. And yes I'm having a hard time detaching from that. I did plan activities today to take my mind off it. But now I'm home and it's all I'm thinking about. Going to play mindless games on my phone until I can fall asleep.
Well, That's not easy. In that respect I'm very glad my h is "far away in another land..." He has a whole new fan base and I only know one of them well, and she's my friend more than his.
For sleep issues, Try the free meditation app on your phone "Insight timer" or "headspace" or "10% Happier" or "Calm" or "Pacifica". I know Insight timer is free.
I never meditated before, but now I listen every night and if I waken at 4am, especially with gross nightmares, it also helps. It's Fast acting and I'm not groggy in the morning.
As for other women asking him to dance, don't assume it's b/c they are trying to seduce him so much as hoping to offer solace. It's social awkwardness they want to avoid, I assume.
What exactly do they all know? Did they witness you two arguing?
And your kids are near him, correct? Look, I've been to 2 weddings since separation and it's not where I'd expect to meet a new man. These are family and close friends around, used to seeing me as part of a couple. I would think they are not going to immediately try and replace my h for me.
Try to detach from what you have no control over, b/c it makes life a lot easier. And it will help you in this scenario a lot. Trying to manipulate the outcome or control the results is not productive.
Drop the rope so you don't wonder about what actions to take to affect your h. There's nothing useful for you to do in this situation, other than detaching and GAL as best you can.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Today I made a mistake. When he picked up the kids I didn't even look at him. I don't know why I feel that going to this wedding was a betrayal to me. I know a large part was jealousy. And that resentment again. He hates wedding s and I went to a lot myself because he wouldn't go. And this one he goes to because his friends wanted him there. So today I just relaxed and let myself feel those feelings and worked thru them and got thru them. I didn't let them control me or my actions.
tomorrow is a new day. Start again. Sometimes it's about being happy, not being right. Anger is not serving you, but maybe b/c it's so quick as your first option to correct a problem, it seems as if it's the correct option,
your h attending the wedding was not a betrayal of you. Having fun is not a betrayal of you. The rest of what you imagine might not have happened. Drop the rope and don't pick it up again!!
This does get easier with practice.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
