Hmmmm good questions. Me and W a long time ago discussed boundaries, maybe 5 years ago. My main one was if you ever become unhappy, let me know. No affairs because I will never put up with it. Now one year later after affair I'm still here. So what will I accept and consequences of disrespect, I'm really not sure yet. As far as where to go from here, not sure either but its going to start with a break. This daily contact is really getting to me. I figure she will either find losing me as a loss or she will be happy to lose me. Either way I wont be stuck in limbo.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I think boundaries are really tough sometimes. In a good relationship, we assume them and assume they are shared...until someone tramples on one and it hurts!
I found it helpful to remember that boundaries are about MY protective fence, NOT what other people do. I don't have to justify them or even sometimes state them. I just have to know what they honestly are for me and what I will do if/when someone breaks them. So, for instance, years ago I had a boyfriend who hit me. Once. I left. It wasn't up for discussion or unpicking. It was a simple boundary for me; anyone who hits me is not someone I will have in my life. Full stop. Often the best most honest boundaries aren't about words but actions.
I think in a longer-term marriage boundaries can feel hard because the consequences feel big. We are frightened to decide on a boundary because secretly we think it will be broken and we will have to put our money where our mouth is. We keep hoping that the OTHER person will magically see the boundary and stop. So we flail around a bit on the mid-line, but those uncomfortable feelings are a clue aren't they?
It sounds as if two things are going on for you (and you're right, the cruise etc is a distraction, would it be different if it was 3 days or a ski trip or the following week!). One is that you had a boundary about affairs which someone has broken. (Me too). And yet you are still fighting for your M, so a bit of you is squirming wondering if that really is the boundary you thought it was. Maybe you just need more peace and quiet to think honestly about your own boundaries now and in the future?
The other thing is that you feel instinctively right now that the daily contact is not healthy for you, that it isn't helping you. The discomfort is just a signal and that's fine. No right answers. Again, maybe drop back and think about what YOU need to feel stronger and clearer and do what you need to do, whether DBing or not? It's ok to take time to think - this stuff is confusing!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Me and W a long time ago discussed boundaries, maybe 5 years ago. My main one was if you ever become unhappy, let me know. No affairs because I will never put up with it. Now one year later after affair I'm still here. So what will I accept and consequences of disrespect, I'm really not sure yet.
I kind of think I was the same way, and a lot of people probably are. No one really knows what they would do in any given "extreme" situation, until they find themselves in the situation. Before I was sure of my wife's affair, someone told me that if I loved her, I would take her back, if it turned out she had really cheated on me. At the time, I wasn't sure what I would do. Later, when I discovered that she did have an affair, I found that I still wanted her back. So, I don't think you should view yourself wanting her back as not standing up for yourself, because you couldn't have known before what you would actually do when the s--- hit the fan.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Hey Treasur and Wsh, thank you for your support! People like you keep me at least somewhat hopeful since their is a lot of outside distractions such as friends and family. Yes this boundary thing is hard for me since their wasn't many lines crossed until now. 0 to 100 real quick! When I think deeply on the topic, the fear of losing W is much smaller than the fear of a new beginning. I still act as I'm still with W even though she has been moved out now a year. Still sleep on my side of the bed, don't use her bathroom much, and follow rules that she liked in the house. Kind of like she is still there. So basically I'm trying to break old routines. Im not as self motivated as I like to be so discipline and routines suit me well.
So what Im facing now is mainly two things:
1) Daily contact. I was to a point where I was fine with it but maybe this maybe that is creeping in. Mind reading essentially. This is setting me back a lot.
2) The fact that maybe this is too broken to fix. She mentioned it before. I think we can but family and friends are not happy. She even avoids some of her close friends and hangs out with the ones who tell her do what makes you happy etc. So now that its all in the open its not a good look for her therefore she's retreating and acting out with the new look every other month, vegan thing, gaining weight, etc.
3) I know I said two but this is a new one. I met an old gf at a party on 4th of July. I did not mention this but we hung out a few times, nothing happened. I was lonely and had zero intentions. I still do and have zero feelings but last Saturday... Last week I had an epic meltdown. Never in my life has such a thing happened. Wanting to fight OM, throwing things, being rude to coworkers, just a nasty individual. I started to feel a little better Saturday. I remember telling Viking on here it may be a bad idea to date, sex etc. Well I was a hypocrite Saturday night. Got drunk and slept with that old gf. Sorry for TMI, but I felt nothing but shame. It was nothing fun or exciting. I cried all the way home while throwing whatever I can get my hands in my truck. I done something I was against. So if someone is thinking the same thing please think twice. Also, that's just MY way of thinking. If someone else is fine with it, please go ahead. No judgment here. Moral of the story is do/don't do what you believe in.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Hey Dale - you just discovered you're human and you f***ed up a bit. Too much emotion with no place to go. Maybe it will give you a different perspective on things? Messy, being human isn't it?!
Look after yourself, my friend
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
It sure is messy treasur! I'm afraid I was focused on being at least one "good" person in the M. I had friends egging me on. Heck even my dad was. That's why I don't talk about it much. Responses include, "you are a better man than I am, I would have been gone a long time ago" and "You just need a fun night with another woman". Well I had that so called fun night but it wasn't fun for me.
Guess I had to bite the dust at least once. These last weeks have been a true test. If I wasn't such a distant husband I don't know if I would even be trying this. I actually feel really bad and was hoping for redemption. Mainly why I continued friendly convos with wife but it got to be too much to handle. I sure wish I would have never gave her an ultimatum about this cruise deal. It was eating at me for whatever reason. They live with each other so I guess it cant get much more than that.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Your W has been laid up with OM for a year. No judgments from me at all. Surprised you didn't do this sooner, considering everything you have endured. Don't say a thing to W, because she has officially given up that right to know what you're up to.
Oh no tread, not going to tell her. It wasn't revenge or show her or anything like that. It was something for me. Mainly me fighting myself.
I've always been a good person I would like to think. Then after A it was like I needed to be a saint. I believe doing the saint thing has really kept me from moving forward. So concentrated on not making mistakes to the outside world that I drove my self mad.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Hi Dale, I've been following your threads without commenting, but wanted you to know how much I respect the path you've chosen.
I know your pain very well as I went through much the same thing with my WAS. Even though we didn't reconcile in our case (hopefully yours will be different), I found that by improving myself and working hard to take the high road, I found peace and became the man I always wanted to be.
Best of luck - I admire your desire to choose the right always.
Thank you Mangan, that really means alot. I tried to break the family tradition of divorce. Every last one of my immediate family has been divorced. Parents, 3 uncles, 1 aunt 3 times, and grandparents. My brother appears to be following suit as well. Ever since I was a boy I told myself I never wanted to live this way. Uneducated, broke, and just a jacked up family lifestyle. But at the end of the day I can hold my head up high and say I was descent for the most part. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want. I'm really trying to just accept this and I'll be ok. Thank you again, your comment came at a time I needed to hear it.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
