I never said not to be there for your kids. I said don't be telling her you will always be there for her, or that you'll always love her no matter what she does. I'm trying to tell you that she has to believe there's a big possibility she could lose you if she treats you wrong. She doesn't want you, and as long as she thinks she can treat you like garbage and still won't lose you.......she'll never be attracted to you. Human nature, alone, does not respect someone we can kick around. That goes double for the WW. I am trying to tell you how her mindset works. In every successful R I have seen, the WW was concerned her H would no longer be in her life.........or that her "position" in his life was being replaced. It is what she has to believe, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't intend to be there. I'm not telling you to stop loving her, just stop telling her. You have to act as if she's losing you. See what I mean?
Currently.......It's the fear that's your biggest enemy. You are so afraid of losing her that it causes you to hold on tighter. She feels that tight squeeze and struggles to get free. Until you learn to let her go, you won't have a chance at getting her back.
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I cant keep up with the mood changes.
Most nice-guy types have been trained to base their day around the mood of the W. If she's in a good mood......then he has a good day. If she is in a b'tchy mood......then his day is not so good. (I've seen reversal roles where the H is the moody one and it's the W who walks on eggshells). This becomes a prison, and the only way a H or W can break free is to stop handing over the power to the other S to control their day and their own enjoyment. If the other spouse is grumpy, too bad, but it should not affect you. Their mood is their problem. Don't make it your problem, too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Daily contact continues. W even shares about her day but seem confused. We have discussed and agreed on daily contact but should i wait for contact from her or at times reach out.
You said you read both DB and DR, which did you like better and why?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
DR i really enjoyed. The section on defining your goals. I realized how much easier it is to notice small changes in the W attitude. Small well defined goals and i have started to see some positive results.
I have to be honest with the over thinking and mind reading i have been doing i didnt see the changes in my w. I had a tele coaching call and things have been cleared up greatly.
My coach asked some questions.
And i had one of those OH My God moments. There has been at least 4 positive changes in my situation.
I was so focused on the final outcome i was not seeing the good steps in the journey..
DR i really enjoyed. The section on defining your goals. I realized how much easier it is to notice small changes in the W attitude. Small well defined goals and i have started to see some positive results.
I got a lot out of "knowing what you want" as well. Have you set any personal goals yet? or are you just sticking with R goals?
Originally Posted By: Nrthman
My coach asked some questions.
And i had one of those OH My God moments. There has been at least 4 positive changes in my situation.
I was so focused on the final outcome i was not seeing the good steps in the journey..
That was my one regret in my situation, looking back I so wish I would have called a coach.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
DR i really enjoyed. The section on defining your goals. I realized how much easier it is to notice small changes in the W attitude. Small well defined goals and i have started to see some positive results.
I have to be honest with the over thinking and mind reading i have been doing i didnt see the changes in my w. I had a tele coaching call and things have been cleared up greatly.
My coach asked some questions.
And i had one of those OH My God moments. There has been at least 4 positive changes in my situation.
I was so focused on the final outcome i was not seeing the good steps in the journey..
Hello Nrthman,
I'm so glad that your DB Coach has been helpful!
Cristy
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Goals for my self mostly health related. R goals are simplified now mostly just want positive contact with wife. We have had daily contact and there is talk of a meeting for coffee or something just the 2 of us.
W has started to bring up good memories of the past this gets her emtioal and tendes to put an end to conversations but im learning i just listen an validate when i can.
The coaching is costly but i truly believe it has saved me alot of miss steps that i would have done. Its one thing to read something rthe coaches take it to the next level.
Contact has stayed the same. One thing i have notice is my w seems to have very happy moments then will shut down almost acting mad at her self for having a good time.
Still trying not to fix things and just be a good listener...
GAL activities becoming easier. Planning a vacation trip with my son.
QUESTION??? How or should i even try to get the topic of depression into a conversation with the w
