Still here. Still not detached...

[LH19]

Chris,

Just remember that nothing you do or say is going to turn this thing around right now. Anytime you feel you might agree to something that is not in the best interest for you and the kids say "I need time to think about it".

Detachment is not easy but once you it is achieved it changes your entire outlook. The minuted I started to understand that everything in life happens exactly the way it's supposed to happen things started to go my way.

My wife wanted the martial home but found out she can't afford it. My wife thought she would be getting $800 a month in support, turns out because she took a second job this past year and the cost of health insurance it looks like she will be getting zilch. One of my wife's best friends propositioned me a couple weeks ago at a party. My wife took my kids to the beach a few weeks ago and they hated it because they couldn't go swimming and it is nothing like the one at my family cottage that we go to all the time.

You have been physically separated for 2 months so detachment should be right around the corner but first you have to drop the rope completely.

What's holding you back?

[EastTN]

Fear that I will backpedal and agree to all of her terms, but also fear that if I stand my ground she'll push back even harder and things will get ugly and expensive.

Standing my ground led, I believe, to the complications I have right now. Not standing my ground would have been worse. It would mean that a woman that decided I wasn't worth keeping around would still be able to dictate the terms of my life. That's no way to live.

[Chris73]

Thanks LH.

You have been physically separated for 2 months so detachment should be right around the corner but first you have to drop the rope completely. What's holding you back?

Re-reading your quote below...

Just remember that nothing you do or say is going to turn this thing around right now.

My inability to accept this ^^ is precisely what's holding me back.

Primarily it's the fear/anger associated with losing my W and being forced into a part-time parenting situation. Plus the whole WTF part of what happened to my W and holding on to the idea that she going to snap out of it.

So it's basically "Who moved my cheese?" combined with Nice Guy Syndrome. I'm doing better with not letting these things affect my actions, but they still preoccupy my thoughts.

I'm taking the kids to the beach for a week very soon. I'm hoping to use the time away from work and my home life to regroup and refocus.

[TBSakaJ9]

Chris, I got the below information from another poster in the forum who has been working with a DB coach. Hopefully you find it helpful.


"The ego always operates out of self interest. Protection. Reaction.
The higher self always observes. There is no reaction in observation. Only being. Presence.
Judgement, revenge, anger, emotion - all part of ego.
Love, acceptance, calmness, presence, steady-ness - all part of higher consciousness

The more you can let things go and let things be, the faster your spiritual growth in this area.
Release - have a loose hand. Let the Universe have some room to guide. EVEN if it hurts."

[LH19]

Just remember that nothing you do or say is going to turn this thing around right now.

My inability to accept this ^^ is precisely what's holding me back.

I can't stress anymore how that is the reality of the situation. " You can avoid reality but you can't avoid the consequences of avoiding reality".

You have to let go of the past. The W you are holding onto is probably not coming back at least for many years down the road when she realizes what she has done.

You need to accept your new reality and see it for what it is, but not worse then it is. There have been many posters who have indicated 50% custody is not as bad as it sounds.

Focus on becoming the best Chris possible. "Success in the ultimate revenge".

I am also taking my kids to the beach this weekend and we are going to have a blast!

[Vapo]

I think all you guys here (and I) are awesome and it would be one helluva gathering if we were to organize one. Guinesses on me!

[Chris73]

Nothing new to report. Busy week trying to get packed and ready for a week at the beach.

W wants to discuss our co-parenting arrangement soon. I've worked out a plan where our kids can reside with both of us separately week by week. My job is flexible enough so that I can work shorter days or from home on the week that I have them so that I can get them to/from school without any help.

Does anyone have any experience with this arrangement? I've done a lot of reading and there seems to be an acceptable happy medium between keeping the frequency of "switching" to a minimum while ensuring that the kids have full exposure to both parents.

I am a child of divorce and lived exclusively with my mom when I was growing up. My dad would take me out 2 nights a week and every other weekend. 30+ years later, I don't have a single memory of normal life with my dad, but only the times when we would "do something" (shopping, movies, vacations, etc.). Meanwhile, while my dad and I are close, there is an emotional disconnect and I'm much closer to my mom.

I don't want this to happen with me and my kids.

[TBSakaJ9]

Chris...my W and I are going to do the same thing. We will have them a week at a time from Mon to Mon. We decided to do mon-mon so we both can have a full weekend to ourselves without having to coordinate drop off on Sunday nights. We also only live 5 min from each other so that helps. I also did not want them bouncing from house to house feeling like they are living out of a suitcase. With school activities, sports and face time I know that I will see them during the week. Other people have chimed in and indicate a week at a time works best.

[EastTN]

When I was a kid, my parents lived about a quarter mile apart and were able to 50/50 custody for a while. I lived at one place for a week, then moved to the other for a week (sunday-sunday). I hated it, I called it "ping pong" and I never felt stable. I always felt more secure living with mom OR dad rather than mom AND dad (and seeing the other parent as much as possible, of course).

Whatever you end up doing, talk to your kids about it and see what THEY think. I realize they're young and don't know what's best for themselves at this point, but if they're not feeling stable and secure, they're going to suffer.

[Chris73]

Thanks for the opinions you guys. The M&F counselor suggested we ask the kids too. My W didn't like the idea which makes me believe that she's afraid of what the kids might say, but that's her problem.

The plan for us would be to switch on a Wednesday with one of us dropping them off at school in the morning and the other picking them up in the afternoon. This avoids the Sunday night swapping problem and also sets up the exchange on neutral territory. W and I wouldn't even have to see each other.

Obviously this will require some coordination. W and I need to ensure that we have duplicates of just about everything so the kids won't have to worry about packing extra stuff on Wednesday mornings.

I know I need to handle things day by day (or even minute by minute) but it seems like such a huge mountain to climb before things start feeling normal again...