WAS wanting to move across the world - help

[sandi2]

It sounds as if you may be the co-dependent one, everything connected to family. Do your buddies ever get together without their W's? What do you like to do in spare time? GAL is so very important. What can you do to be more independent from your W?

[whywhy]

Hi Sandi2,

Yes, I think you're right.

To be honest I spent so much time focusing on work and family that I guess I didn't really have anything else.

My buddies do get together usually once a week, but I was travelling for work on 90% of the times.

So, not sure what to do. I can't travel for work at the moment as I have the kids.

[whywhy]

OK, so this just happened and I could use some thoughts and advice.

My W just called me (she had apparently tried a few hours ago, but I had turned my phone off). She told me that she is feeling really bad and has been crying all the time for the past 2 days. She told me she is going to see an IC there (not the one, obviously, that she is seeing there).

She also told me that the baby has been waking up in the night every night and she is exhausted.

I tried to empathize and listen and tell her that I was very sorry to hear.
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.
She told me no and that it annoyed her when I ask!
She said she thought the tears were just "part of the process" (not sure what that means and didn't ask).

When she asked about here and how the kids are, I also told her that things were great and kept very upbeat (didn't say a word about being so down).

Is there anything I should be doing here?
Should I be concerned about another IC in the mix? (though there's not alot I can do about that).

I think there's something happening here that could be an opportunity, but am lost as to the best way to handle. Anyone have any experience/insight??

Thanks

[TBSakaJ9]

If she wants this she needs to figure it out on her own......just validate but don't ask her if you can do anything or say your sorry......there is a thread on validation if you need to read it. Don't rescue her and don't save her.....she needs to feel and experience the pain. Just my 10 cents.

[whywhy]

Hi Joseph9,

Thanks. I will read the validation thread.

I said to her "I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time". Is that in line with validation? I was trying to empathize?

I shouldn't have asked if I can help I guess. I think I was just trying to help and to show her that she had a shoulder to cry on (albeit with 10,000 miles in between). This was a mistake, so I won't do that again.

But, am curious how I validate without saying "I'm sorry to hear you're in pain"?

[whywhy]

So, she called after her IC session on a video call and said that her session had been great and had helped alot. She mentioned she would be going there again - though was concerned about the cost. I told her not to worry about the money at all at the moment and to concentrate on getting stronger first and we would work out the moneys when she gets back.

She then spoke to all of the kids and, as it is her mom's birthday, I got all the kids together and had them sing happy birthday to her as well as adding my wishes with a big smile.

She then asked me another couple of questions (kid related) and I told her I had to go as I was late. On saying goodbye (remember Facetime), she blew me a kiss. Just old habit do you think or a sign of warming?

I know her and I think she still has a long way to go down the path of convincing herself she wants out before I can make any inroads at all. But, the kiss was a warm feeling that really threw me.

Folks, I seem to be slip sliding all over the place - can someone please put me back in line!

Am taking the kids out to a movie in a few minutes and looking forward to it

[whywhy]

Had a great time at the movies with the kids.

Got back and a while later my W starting texting me (middle of the night there), that she couldn't sleep.

I decided to ignore the messages and went out (got my sister to come over and babysit). Just went to a movie, but was nice to get out.

I only responded this morning to the message and even then with a very brief message.

Is this mean or a decent 180?

[sandi2]

I tried to empathize and listen and tell her that I was very sorry to hear.
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.
She told me no and that it annoyed her when I ask!

Sometimes women just the H to listen. She doesn't want him trying to fix the problem for her. Since she said it annoyed her, my suggestion is to not offer to be so helpful from this point on. The LBH can "over do" when he's trying so hard to save the M. Don't be quick in trying to rescue the WW, and allow her to see how she would manage without you in the picture.

Is there anything I should be doing here?

No.

Should I be concerned about another IC in the mix? (though there's not alot I can do about that).

Don't worry about matters you can't control.

[whywhy]

Thanks sandi2,

Yes, you are right, the trying to help didn't work and I backed off it.
On the last call she mentioned to me again that she had been crying for 2 days and I just said that I was sorry to hear that. She actually replied again that she thinks it's just "part of the process" - I'm not entirely sure what she means by that, but I have a bad feeling it is her way of moving on.

Again, can't control it and can't ask as I'm keeping conversations brief, but it is a bad feeling in my stomach.

[whywhy]

So she called me early morning there - not text just a video call. it was evening here.
She asked if she could speak to any of the kids, I told her they were all asleep. She made a comment about how lucky I was and then started having a fun conversation with me which was enjoyable.

Then she mentioned that she needed to go off for 2 minutes (to use the restroom) and would call me right back.

I waited and waited. An hour or so later I texted her that I would be going to bed soon. An hour and a half later I texted her that I was going to bed and we would speak tomorrow and wished her a wonderful day. No reply at all from her.

This morning, almost as soon as I woke up, she texted asking if I was up. I said yes and she video called. Carried on the conversation, never made a comment about last night.

She was on her way to her IC.

Now, I am wondering what all this was about. You see, she knows I am a real stickler about time (I hate to be late) and this was one of our big argument topics in the M.
Do you think it's about control?
I never made a comment!

She was also much colder this morning in attitude and face.

This is some roller coaster!!!!