Trying to stay above water

[Henwen]

So today I did something I have always wanted to do. I took a level one course in Reiki healing. Loved it. Had such a fabulous time!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Good GAL!!

Keep it up and please keep the PMA - DB 101.

Btw, have you gotten an IC yet?

I don't think I could work with my h seeing him every day and not go nuts or blow it.

Keep at it!

[Henwen]

I do have an IC. And yes I have blown it several times with H at work. Every day I get a bit better. I can't believe how I felt so out of control in the first few months after he left. I'm in a much better place now. And that's what I don't understand. Lol. I have even said to him that if this divorce is really wants he wants then let's get it over with so we can both move on. But he still stalemates. I bounce back from he just wants me to make the decision to he will eventually come home once he is assured the arguiing can stop. But really if he didn't come home I'd be sad but I would be ok. Today my parents came and picked me up for breakfast!! It was so nice to just see them.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Henwen]I do have an IC. And yes I have blown it several times with H at work. Every day I get a bit better. I can't believe how I felt so out of control in the first few months after he left. I'm in a much better place now.


great news. ^^



And that's what I don't understand. Lol. I have even said to him that if this divorce is really wants he wants then let's get it over with so we can both move on. But he still stalemates.

why are you pushing for it if you don't want it and if you think it can be repaired with new dynamics and tools?

Maybe you can resist the urge to make those types of remarks.




I bounce back from he just wants me to make the decision to he will eventually come home once he is assured the arguiing can stop.

I think this^^ is both mind reading and hoping. What if you just worked on not fighting and learning to resolve disagreements the way you would at a table of beloved friends with different opinions? That would be a win, regardless of what your h may feel or do or plan

[Henwen]

I guess I push is because if the divorce is something he truly wants then let's get it over with. Why wait? I'm not acting on those words. I say them here. I used to say them to him. Not anymore. I am a cool uninterested cucumber when I am around him right now. And yes after seeing what I saw this past week how I react and he reacts nice back I'm not going to set everything back 25 steps by arguiing again. That's one of the reasons I did the Reiki healing. Because I want to let go of the anger and resentment

[Henwen]

So yesterday he dropped the kids off and I was watering the lawn and he was talking to me and then he kind of just stood there as if he didn't want to leave but then said well good bye guys and left.

Today I have a question. Fall will be here before I know it. And that means schedules for the kids after school activities. So what do I do? Do I continue on driving the kids everywhere. That is something I have always done. Do I continue doing this because I want him home and I don't want to stress him. Or do I make him do his half of the driving and running around etc? And just go believeing him and treating him as if he is my ex? I'm confused as to
How to proceed with that. He has already said that he can't have the kids at his house full time one week as he has no room and he doesn't want to sign a lease. So do I just bide my time and wait for him to
Come around? My gf thinks he will come around and is on the verge of coming home. But if he's not I don't want him cake eating while I do all the kid running around.

[Cristy]

So yesterday he dropped the kids off and I was watering the lawn and he was talking to me and then he kind of just stood there as if he didn't want to leave but then said well good bye guys and left.

Today I have a question. Fall will be here before I know it. And that means schedules for the kids after school activities. So what do I do? Do I continue on driving the kids everywhere. That is something I have always done. Do I continue doing this because I want him home and I don't want to stress him. Or do I make him do his half of the driving and running around etc? And just go believeing him and treating him as if he is my ex? I'm confused as to
How to proceed with that. He has already said that he can't have the kids at his house full time one week as he has no room and he doesn't want to sign a lease. So do I just bide my time and wait for him to
Come around? My gf thinks he will come around and is on the verge of coming home. But if he's not I don't want him cake eating while I do all the kid running around.

Hello Henwen,

You're working with a DB Coach, right?

I can see why negotiating the kids schedule would be confusing.

Please give me a call at 303-444-7004 and we can go ahead and get you scheduled to speak with your DB Coach.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[25yearsmlc]

Remember you said you want to let go of the anger and resentment. Keep that in mind as you read your words and thoughts.

Beware of the score keeping, okay? It's very tempting yet, never, ever, helpful.

So yesterday he dropped the kids off and I was watering the lawn and he was talking to me and then he kind of just stood there as if he didn't want to leave but then said well good bye guys and left.

sounds confused or at least uncomfortable.

Today I have a question. Fall will be here before I know it. And that means schedules for the kids after school activities. So what do I do? Do I continue on driving the kids everywhere. That is something I have always done.

so you have "always done" it, but...you want him to do more now? I'm not arguing, just trying to understand your reasoning.

Do I continue doing this because I want him home and I don't want to stress him. Or do I make him do his half of the driving and running around etc? And just go believeing him and treating him as if he is my ex?

If you need help, ask him to take one/2/3 of the kids to/from on a regular basis, or all 3 of them one or two days a week, etc.
As for believing him, what do you mean? Believe what? That he needs a break from stress?

Be as calm as someone who was sedated, behaves. Truly look into meditation b/c I sense your urgency from here. And I Get it!! You are afraid. And hurt.

Just saying that the anger and tension is so not your friend.

And who said to treat him like an ex?

I'm confused as to
How to proceed with that.


He has already said that he can't have the kids at his house full time one week as he has no room and he doesn't want to sign a lease. So do I just bide my time and wait for him to
Come around?

I'm sorry but what is the question^^ here? What are your goals? You want him to take the kids half time? Even though you don't want him to sign a lease, you also want him to have them overnight?

Don't push for certainty when there's no certainty- b/c you may end up cornering him into a place neither of you wants to be.


My gf thinks he will come around and is on the verge of coming home.


But if he's not I don't want him cake eating while I do all the kid running around.

First, this^^^ is like anticipatory score keeping. Lose the scorecard. You already said you have "always done" this so I don't know what it is you really want. It feels like you want control over what he does.

Are you more afraid of doing more than him, than you are of losing the m?

Second, to an extent all WAS/MLCers eat cake temporarily.

That is b/c they don't know if they want the marriage and the LBSer here, does know. That is inherently unbalanced - for awhile. I mean, he's not here to hash out a fair division of labor or to save the m. You are.

Calmly ask for help in transportation. Limit the requests, and be specific. Not vague "Do more!" complaints blurted out in frustration. And be ready to compromise. He may only be able to do X, not Y.

(I'm not a shrink, but the man sounds exhausted and depressed to me).


Model new behaviors.

the more you do ^^^that, the more likely you are to arrive at an equitable arrangement.

Have you found an IC to help with the anger management or conflict resolution?

Here is a gentle well intended 2 x 4.

I sense a lot of seething resentment in your posts, that spill over in your life at times. You have to address those are all of this will be so, so hard for you.

I think things can improve but without that underlying resentment issue addressed,

you'll be in the same place again.

How can you address that?

There was another poster here who had a similar issue. I will try to find her screen name (we met in RL). She is a passionate hard working Latina and her way of expressing anger was way more "get it all out" than her h's.

After 17 years of m, h shut down and wanted out. She was giving birth to their 3rd child. Shortly after, and presumably with more stress in the house, he found OW.

To her credit, she learned much better conflict resolution and is a calmer happier woman now. Kids are great. As of last month they have not reconciled. It has been a few years now.

But the behavioral pattern & her insights later on about what the fighting was doing to her h, are useful.

Tragic, but useful. She bounced back from the fighting, and didn't see it as criticizing so much as her "way of communicating". But for her h, it was emotionally sapping him.

Food for thought.

[25yearsmlc]

time with the kids and your h


What about if you arrange 2 nights a week in which you will be out GAL and he can watch the kids or take them out.

Then be mysterious and upbeat and calm and serene. You could use a break anyhow.

What is home life like with the kids there? Are any of them having behavioral issues?

[25yearsmlc]

I guess I push is because if the divorce is something he truly wants then let's get it over with. Why wait?


because 1) he does not know and 2) it's a life altering decision that most people struggle with.


I'm not acting on those words. I say them here. I used to say them to him. Not anymore. I am a cool uninterested cucumber when I am around him right now.

^^^Great to hear!

And yes after seeing what I saw this past week how I react and he reacts nice back I'm not going to set everything back 25 steps by arguiing again. That's one of the reasons I did the Reiki healing. Because I want to let go of the anger and resentment

a basic DB principle which, strangely is not stressed enough in "real life" is to

do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

Seems so simple, (and yet). We get stuck in what we think SHOULD work, or what we once thought would work...

and even in the face of a ton of evidence to the contrary, we tend to double down on behaviors that we think should work. It is hard, but it is not complicated.

We can be our own worst enemies. Keep posting.