If you guys could just tell me what to say that's acceptable and not me trying to controlling him that would be helpful.
I've been giving nothing but one words responses to him and only responding to kidnrelated questions. He came home at 6am this morning and my dad said he was awake when he got there. He said he made sure to blare the F1 race on the stereo And said it's the little things I live for lol
Anyway H txt me
H: What are the boys doing M:gem mining H: weather been nice? H: ?
I'm not responding. If it's not kid related I don't have to right? I'm leaning heavily on you guys because I'm angry and I don't want to knee jerk out of anger I want to say what's best because I've come so far without reacting to anything he's done. So I don't want to make that mistake now.
No, not responding is absolutely appropriate. I don't know what he thinks he's achieving with the chit-chat texts when he can't be polite to you in person.
If you don't have a consequence in mind then I think you need to ask the lawyer what consequence you can put in place in order to get him out promptly. Don't attempt to set a boundary if you don't have the "then" in mind. And don't feel like you have to explain why you're not responding to his stupid texts. Nobody's that stupid. He just wants you to confirm that you are changing the script. Don't bother with that. JUST change the script, as you're doing. He'll get the message.
There came a point when I was tired of dealing with Mr. Fantastic's cr@p and I started ignoring everything that wasn't kid-related. He pulled the whole "why arent you talking to me?" self-pity text and I just replied, "I don't like being separated." He said, "OK, I'll go back to therapy." (by himself, but with the marriage counselor) Well, he went back, and he reported to me that "it didn't work." The therapist shouldn't have, but told me he'd been in for half a session, had basically nothing to say, and left after half an hour because "I don't have any problems." At that point I had confirmation that Mr. F wasn't going to do anything to work on the marriage and it got a lot easier for me to let him go. I mean, magic wands aren't going to heal a marriage and they aren't going to keep a marriage going either. I think I took my ring off at that point. (Yeah, it took me 6 months of separation to remove my ring. You're not the only slow learner on this board.)
I'm glad to see you finally practicing some detachment. The trip was clearly the best thing you could do for yourself in terms of beginning to gain some perspective and move forward with your own life.
I wish I had some advice for how to get him out of the house. In my case, Mr. F had been threatening to leave for about 4 months, but he never did, and we were actually sexually active together until about 2 weeks before he moved out. When he finally did move out, it was because we were in a marriage counseling session and I was telling the "therapist" how he was talking about leaving and how hard it was for me to function while he was behaving that way. The therapist asked what I wanted and I turned to Mr. F and said, "You need to go." then we spent the rest of the session talking about how he was going to execute the departure.
Is there any kind of third-party intervention that you can call to your aid to communicate with him that it is time to move forward with his plans? Could you, for example, call an extended family meeting that includes, perhaps, your dad (or someone else) who effectively gives him permission to do what he says he wants? Someone who can act as a witness for you, that you are calm and not passing judgment, just saying, OK, I'm fine with you leaving like you say you want to.
I know it galls to make a statement like that, but the mission is just to get him OUT. Sandi's tag line is "would you rather be right or be happy" and I think this might be an instance where that applies. Stop fighting him and just give him what he wants. Or at least make it look like you are, then fight like he!! for a favorable financial settlement.
Have a restful week. (((((T)))))
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
As if he couldn't be more of a dlck turned on the car to realize he cancelled my Sirius subscription.
Really???! What an ass.
My dad said he's just seeking a reaction because I haven't given him one.
Your dad is guessing, again. Who knows?
My h cancelled a life insurance policy we got when he deployed 5 years ago, which was coming out of MY credit card, thereby costing him nothing...
just to be a prick b/c he wasn't paying for it. And I have proof. His L claims h swore he was paying but honestly, who cares if he was? No notice, after 35 years, no chance for me (or our kids!!) to make arrangements to pay for it IF he had been, which he wasn't.
So he's lying, or is just so nutty and vindictive (yes it IS baffling)
so now when "we" get insurance on him, it'll be after 2 cardiac ablations and sleep apnea so it'll cost someone a lot more...if he is insurable.
My point is, WHO KNOWS??? there's not a "good reason"...
My guess - pure speculation is that the WAS is planning on their new life, and it's pricey! Best to hoard now...and there seems to be a nutty fear that THEY will be screwed in court. Ironic.
Not sure why my h thinks that but for sure, in MY case, h hears what he fears, not what is real or what got said.
Hence the need to act as if you're almost sedated when you speak to him, can't show ANY anger or tension (until the settlement is over). If you do, you play right into their narrative.
Ugh...
so back to YOU...ready?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"This isn't working for me anymore, H. You wanted out. Go."
The question is: what happens if/when he doesn't leave? Lol.
I'm just tossing out ideas, okay?
But you could still say the above and if the problem of his staying - arises,
it's worth asking your L what your options are. If she says 'no options, you are both on the deed,"
--I imagine once you file, some type of move is going to be needed, possibly required. Up here near DC, there used to be a required 10 day cooling off time (to sure if it's still the case but no need to know that now)...
And or just GAL and be gone - **but you need to know there's a timeline.
Anyone would. Call the L if he won't leave, but I suspect if he can get "permission" to say you kicked him out, he'll go.
And do not worry what he tells people. B/C A) you have No control over that
and B), everyone who matters, knows the truth.
Time reveals the truth anyhow.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My vote is for you to say it just so you feel you're owning some of your power again.
But perhaps we avoid the "if THEN" boundary-setting convo:
"H, this isn't working for me anymore. This is our family home. Not a hotel. It would be best for the kids and me for you to do what you've said you wanted to do all along: pack your things and go."
Here's what is important, though, T:
Do not say/do this as a reaction. Do not wait for him to do something that pisses you off before you say this. Do it as an OFFENSIVE move. So you don't come across as petty and nagging and reactive.
If you say this ^^^ when you are calm and H hasn't done anything to make you mad, then it comes from a place of POWER.
You could say the very same words after he's pissed you off, and it would come across as defensive and powerLESS.
Does that make sense?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Yes I got it. That's what Ill say and I won't say it til I get back. Don't want to give him a paper trail to fuel his narrative that he was trying to do right by the kids.
If I say it soon now it will be reactive of him coming home late.
And guess the crazy train is gaining speed... OW #1 just posted a picture of her and H together last night on FB. He's of course wearing a shirt I bought him for Christmas and the watch I bought him. Her nice chest tattoo is hanging out and her shirt says 'thick girls taste better'
Reallllll classy!
He text me shortly after it was posted
H how was the boys day how was gem mining M we had a great day H is your grandma spoiling them like always lol H ? H ok well just make sure they call me before they go to bed it would be nice to hear from them since I haven't since Thursday M you can call them anytime
My friends are all blowing my phone up now after that picture because I hadn't really shared anything with anyone.
I wish I could say that comment was beneath me but I am still typing and could turn back in theory but my hand seems to be moving towards the submit button.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
As if he couldn't be more of a dlck turned on the car to realize he cancelled my Sirius subscription. .
On the plus side, they are now doing the 6month for 30.00ish.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
