Here again part 12

[T384]

Thanks everyone...

I must have submitted too early last night because I thought I had written a lot more.

I woke up yesterday morning just frustrated and decided to pack the car and head to the mountains with the boys.... first solo road trip ever and first time with 3 kids it was a long 10 hour drive and I shed a few tears when everyone was sleeping because I partly was like WTF was I thinking driving 10 hours alone and going through the mountains alone with no cell service. But we made it here around midnight and we survived and had many laughs so it was worth it.

I didn't ask H permission to take the kids. I called him said he boys will be gone until Wednesday that we were going to my grandmothers. He said ok. Bye and that was that. My dad hadn't heard from me and couldn't get in touch with me and was worried because it was like 1130 so he asked H for my grandmothers number. Do you think H ever reached out? Nope. That was a little wake up call that he doesn't care about me or the kids right now. He did have the time to text my grandma about us coming up.

He then sent me a text at 2 asking if we made it. I just replied yes. That was it. My grandma and my father said this should be the wake up call that I need that he's not that man. He's not my hero and he doesn't have a conscience nor care about us. It's true. But ouch.

Anyway we're going to make the most of our time here. This is the first time we've come here without H. This is something we do every summer so it's kind of sad to do all these things we normally do together alone.

I will say after driving and doing this alone I know I can do anything. My parents said H doesn't have to worry about the kids because he knows I can do anything. That he neeeds a woman that's inferior to him so he can feel like a big man and that I'm not that person. Unfortunately lately I have been submissive and meek. But I will get back to who I was.



My girlfriend text me yesterday and summed it up perfectly.

Shame on him, ultimately it is HIS loss and something he will have to live the rest of his life with. I feel sad for him that for the rest of his life he will never know happiness like he had. He will continue to search for external happiness and it's sad to know he will never be truly happy.

I struggle with my dad playing nice at the house with H. My dad said they were talking about our plans he excited the kids were etc. I am pretty frustrated because I asked my dad not to share this info with him. You know my dad had that long talk and told him how things would be but he's not standing by what he said. It's hard for me not to be upset about it. I feel like he's condoning H's actions. Like you're disrespecting my daughter but let's talk like normal and hang out like we would when her and the kids are gone. I am not sure how to let that go. I just want someone to stick up for me not with words but with actions. My H is still talking with my uncle. I mean why should he question anything when everything is the same except he doesn't have to talk to me or be my husband.

[25yearsmlc]

it would bug me for awhile, about the uncle/dad going on as if nothing is happening


Maybe that will change when something changes officially, (i.e. you file)

b/c maybe your dad/uncle still harbor the hope that your h will see what he may lose by losing you...they remain close.

Why not just tell your dad to live by his own words, and your tell your uncle you feel he's choosing H by looking the other way even in the face of 3 little guys losing their dad and your m ending...

If they refuse then at least you know you were clear...(are you afraid of their response? Is not truly "knowing" where they stand, making you feel less valued?)


I felt I had to tell one of my brothers not to support h in his "adventure" on fb,

and my brother acted like I was crazy to even have to ask. But you never know. I'm glad I asked and really glad he acted as if it was a given. Sometimes it's not.

Oh when h posted on fb about OW "meeting the family" (meaning his dad/brother, Not our kids)

it was h's bff and wife who reached out to me first. They were horrified. (Several other mutual friends and family also did). Point is we never know how people really feel or how they see it and we cannot control that.

Not our sandbox.

Life will show your h the consequences of his choices, life will teach him lessons;
you don't have to worry about this^^^.

[Maybell]

T, you I'm so proud of you for getting up and taking that trip. I did the same thing when I was at your stage and I think it was one of the things that helped me move forward. I'm glad you took a little time off (though next time give us some warning!!) and that you're making a point of building happiness with your babies. Your H is absolutely an idiot for missing out on the only important things in life.

Have a great trip and be so proud of yourself for everything you're achieving. Feel what you feel when you feel it. Everything is going to be just fine.

((((((T384)))))

[sandi2]

I struggle with my dad playing nice at the house with H. My dad said they were talking about our plans he excited the kids were etc. I am pretty frustrated because I asked my dad not to share this info with him. You know my dad had that long talk and told him how things would be but he's not standing by what he said. It's hard for me not to be upset about it. I feel like he's condoning H's actions. Like you're disrespecting my daughter but let's talk like normal and hang out like we would when her and the kids are gone. I am not sure how to let that go. I just want someone to stick up for me not with words but with actions. My H is still talking with my uncle. I mean why should he question anything when everything is the same except he doesn't have to talk to me or be my husband.

Just my thoughts, that they are in a holding frame until they see how things pan out with you and H. Didn't you say that dad lived in the house with you? If so, he is kinda of between a rock and a hard spot....since your H is showing up and spending time there. If he threatened ro thow H ou of the houset, or they got into an altercation.....,..you would be terribly upset. Once you actually have H stop coming to the house, and your dad sees you are going through the D.......then he will likely step up. IDK, about your uncle, but I'd guess he maybe has detached himself from the "situation" in your M troubles. You know how men comparmentalize.

You know my dad had that long talk and told him how things would be but he's not standing by what he said. It's hard for me not to be upset about it.

I would have to look and read it again. However, I'm thinking he was telling your H that if the M ended....things would not continue on as if he (H) was still part of the family. The buddy trips would stop and H would not be invited to family events. So far, your dad still doesn't know that you will really D your H......and probably will have to see it finalized. Until then, he's going to play nice as his more comfortable choice in how to handle things between and SIL.

[T384]

Just venting here

H hasn't called the kids or spoke with them since Thursday.

Last night he told
My dad he was going out for the VP at works birthday. Well it was the boss daughters birthday. He stayed the night at her house then had the nerve to come home to our house at 6am.

He needs to GTFO.

I had to shut my phone off last night because I knew I would say something. Instead I've said nothing. I've responded to his two texts in the last 2 days with just the word yes or no. Nothing more. He then has been texting my grandmother since he knows we're here. She has not responded.


Someone please talk me down from sending him a message to be out by the time I get back from vacation. He is a POS!!

[Train]

I'm not talking you down from it. I personally think you'd feel 1,000 times better if he WAS out. The question, I think, is whether he would actually leave ... and then, if he wouldn't, how any outburst on your part might make your living situation even MORE unbearable.

I mean, if he COULD leave, something tells me he'd have been gone a month ago. It's like he really is using the marital home like his own little personal hotel.

So I'm thinking out loud here, but what IF you placed some boundaries around his coming and going at home to protect the hearts of you and your boys? I know people may respond that you can't control H, and obviously I agree with that ... you can't force him out ... BUT ... you also MUST have boundaries. And, I'm here to tell ya, THIS was one of mine! (I guess I'm fortunate that my H gladly left when I told him to, because I hadn't come up with a Plan B, or the "if ... THEN ..." part of my boundary.)

So that would be what I would punt out there for discussion:

If you NEED to place a boundary around his coming and going at the house, what could it be? So, "H, if you continue treating this home like a hotel, then I will have no choice but to ______________." (Fill in the blank.)

That's how boundaries work. You can't force him to stay gone from the house. But if he continues disrespecting your marital home by coming and going as he pleases, what can YOU do to protect your heart and the hearts of your boys from his actions??

Maybe nothing. And in that case, there's no point setting that boundary.

Does that make sense??

It's worth chewing on.

[T384]

I guess I'm confused on if I say H if you continue to treat this as a hotel I will have to do XYZ.

But what is XYZ. I mean I can't make him leave I can't do anything legally to make him go. I am filling but that will take probably at least a week but more like two to get him served.

So if I said, H this is not a hotel. I want you to leave.

If he says no then I say something along the lines if you continue to come and go as if this is a hotel I will be forced to change the locks?

[25yearsmlc]

Boundaries are fine

but if you say "IF you continue to blah blah blah, THEN..."

you just open it up for debate. You want him out. Period.


more later

[T384]

If you guys could just tell me what to say that's acceptable and not me trying to controlling him that would be helpful.

I've been giving nothing but one words responses to him and only responding to kidnrelated questions. He came home at 6am this morning and my dad said he was awake when he got there. He said he made sure to blare the F1 race on the stereo And said it's the little things I live for lol

Anyway H txt me

H: What are the boys doing
M:gem mining
H: weather been nice?
H: ?

I'm not responding. If it's not kid related I don't have to right? I'm leaning heavily on you guys because I'm angry and I don't want to knee jerk out of anger I want to say what's best because I've come so far without reacting to anything he's done. So I don't want to make that mistake now.

Train- don't you live in NC?? I'm staying a little west of Asheville

[25yearsmlc]

One idea...

state outright

"H, this isn't working for me. I need you out by next week." (Period)

And if he brings up another casual "Shoot the breeze/hello" discussion, try

"H, we are splitting up. So let's keep focus on the boys. They'll be back Wednesday"...

I don't think ending your comments with questions or conditions is wise b/c it'll suck you in

and chances are good you will either escalate, to your regret

or cave - to your regret.

Whatever you do, stay on message and say 1/10 of what you feel like saying.