Nothing from STBXH (aka sound of silence) on either legal stuff or actions (ha ha) he is going to take if he does want to 'salvage' something as he said. Natch. No surprise but then I had no expectations. He won't know yet that my next L letter will be a last warning shot that I'll be taking us to Court on the 16th August...guess he'll get that on Monday.
Then text from him this morning because he is going to our old house to do some maintenance jobs I'd asked him to do months ago, asking me what else I needed him to do while he was there and that he'll be there from about midday. Friendly but teenage text speak (why do MLCers do that?). I left it an hour and replied 'Will you take out the bins when you leave? Thanks'. Hey ho.
What it made me think about is fear and assumptions. When I hear from him or anything to do with the legal stuff, I still get a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel as if I'm vulnerable and another WTF shock is coming. And that's a weird feeling because this used to be someone who loved me and who I trusted. I've never had fear and anxiety as a big thread in my life until two years ago.
And assumptions. I heard my head do this quick angry 'well, I guess you're having a relaxed sex brunch with OW in her house 5 miles away so not rushing over'. Stopped that. Then heard it replaced with 'well maybe you're not with her anymore and you are on the train up from London, which would explain the timing because the most likely train gets in at...' Stopped that too, although it took a bit longer. F**king hopium, grrr. Of course, I don't know. Either, or something else, could be true. He might even be lying about going to the house. No way of knowing.
What it does tell me is how far I am from being emotionally detached, even if I can do it logically with my actions. And how much I miss a past time in my life where my head wasn't constantly buzzing, I wasn't frightened and I took things at face value.
I hate this. I hate that someone who was my best friend took a flamethrower to 20 years of my life, s**t all over me and decided I was his enemy and OW his heroine. I hate it.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I too wonder how long it is going to take where I don't have a complete feeling of dread when I check my email or I hear the sound of a text coming in. I look forward to the sound of silence.
He doesn't value me, or our M or anything about the last 20 years. He's like a stranger. It s***ks. I hate it. And it isn't fair. None of this is fair.
Vent over
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I'm with you there, Treasur and Ownit, on both counts.
For so long, you long for the sound of the phone or text. Then when things turn for the bad, you start to feel the stuff rise up in your throat when you hear it, saying to yourself while walking over to look. oh please, don't let it be more ugliness or abrupt, cold, negatives. Then it's not even from him. Just more silence and erasement from him.
I've changed his ring tone and text tone, so no more wondering from across the room. If it's him, I know it immediately. I've also changed his picture to one of Jack Nicholson with a cigarette in his mouth, and some nasty language printed on the picture, and changed his name in my phone to Lying Cheater. It helps me to detach. (Thanks for the idea, CL.)
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
He is supposed to come here this am to give me the POA for selling the house and to pick up the last of his stuff. I made a huge disorganized pile in the middle of the garage. I felt not one moment of sadness or grief. Just excitement at the thought of never having to see any of his stuff or the crap that he has made me haul around for years. This move is going to be a breeze.
Treasur, everything you say is true but it doesn't change anything. You and your marriage mean nothing to him right now. Don't let him mean anything to you. I will never be with someone again who doesn't want to be with me. I could care less if he thinks I am not good enough for him, I know the opposite is true.
Nothing from STBXH (aka sound of silence) on either legal stuff or actions (ha ha) he is going to take if he does want to 'salvage' something as he said. Natch. No surprise but then I had no expectations.
well, you say no expectations but I think your bereavement (perhaps) creates a need for comfort that translates into expectations. I'd attach nothing to his desire for a "chat" every other day for 10 minutes about nothing substantive and maybe improve it AFTER the divorce and all his fraud/theft is "over"??
Treasur, ^^ that is more crazy making for you.
Your divorce is the single most important financial transaction of your life.
Treat it that way. If you feel like talking to him when the whole lightning/storm has passed, then so be it.
For now, focus on the money and stop wondering what he meant by a feeble attempt at "something" on his end.
Who knows? Maybe he wants to soften your stance on the financial aspects, or just feel better about himself or probe to see how paved & smooth the path home would be...
What are your GAL activities? I ask b/c you speak of detachment a great deal but I really don't know how you can do that without GAL.
So, back to what you can control, you.
He won't know yet that my next L letter will be a last warning shot that I'll be taking us to Court on the 16th August...guess he'll get that on Monday.
Then text from him this morning because he is going to our old house to do some maintenance jobs I'd asked him to do months ago, asking me what else I needed him to do while he was there and that he'll be there from about midday. Friendly but teenage text speak (why do MLCers do that?). I left it an hour and replied 'Will you take out the bins when you leave? Thanks'. Hey ho.
What it made me think about is fear and assumptions. When I hear from him or anything to do with the legal stuff, I still get a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel as if I'm vulnerable and another WTF shock is coming. And that's a weird feeling because this used to be someone who loved me and who I trusted. I've never had fear and anxiety as a big thread in my life until two years ago. I still dread emails - b/c one might be from my lawyer, and since h and I have NC, all i may have to deal with is a check in the mail, (I wish). But the anxiety resonates.
And assumptions. I heard my head do this quick angry 'well, I guess you're having a relaxed sex brunch with OW in her house 5 miles away so not rushing over'. Stopped that. Then heard it replaced with 'well maybe you're not with her anymore and you are on the train up from London, which would explain the timing because the most likely train gets in at...' Stopped that too, although it took a bit longer. F**king hopium, grrr. Of course, I don't know. Either, or something else, could be true. He might even be lying about going to the house. No way of knowing.
What it does tell me is how far I am from being emotionally detached, even if I can do it logically with my actions. And how much I miss a past time in my life where my head wasn't constantly buzzing, I wasn't frightened and I took things at face value.
try to get back to this^^^^....
I hate this. I hate that someone who was my best friend took a flamethrower to 20 years of my life, s**t all over me and decided I was his enemy and OW his heroine. I hate it.
well, all you know is the D is coming, you feel financially & Understandably concerned,
but you can slow down the mind reading about how he sees you and OW.
You don't know.
Just get your finances in order so you can lower the fears.
That will help a lot. When I separate the money issues from my divorce, I feel a lot better.
Like I can move forward faster.
There is ONE thing good about my h's hideous conduct, it's clarifying, and
my mourning process has speeded up...
How are your GAL?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, 25. Here's what I'm proud of being able to do now. - Taking control of the �/D process and breaking the loop of asking/waiting for him to behave like a rational person. Going to Court isn't a great choice, but it's the only one his behaviour leaves as a way to protect myself. - Seeing that protecting myself is about money, but maybe even more about removing his insanity and WTF from my life. I want to feel calm and steady again. I need that to build new good things. - That I can practically detach even though I'm not emotionally detached. Sometimes I flail around with all the same questions I did in the beginning...but I don't act on them like I did. I think it is hard to know what to do with the questions where you feel the other person is part of that conversation. But I'm learning (soooo slowly!) to focus on my own questions.
So, GAL? I've been pretty good at faking it - everything from small comforts to big adventures. Accidentally sometimes I've found little nuggets in there. But I am faking it; it still doesn't feel like more than a band aid.
I think that's because of two things really. The first is that the D process is like an ongoing reminder of the chaos and WTF. It will be better when it's done. The second, which is more important, is I'm not sure who I am now or what will make a better life than I had. (Not that it was perfect and some bits I don't miss at all, but it had some treasures too which are gone.) Surviving the last two years - not just my H but my family too - has changed me. Don't know if that's good or bad, just is. I'm way more introverted. I'm slower. I'm more scared and braver at the same time. I have no plan longer than about 3 months ahead. My faith is stronger. I'm more humble. I'm lonely but find it less tiring to be alone. I'm like this paler version of myself.
GAL for me is about three things next - building a new business which sustains me financially and emotionally; carrying on with the fake GAL stuff so I don't disconnect from life outside my head; physical exercise and feeling stronger.
And I guess accepting that I will never get how you love someone for years and treat them as my H has treated me. And that I have lost things/people who mattered to me and it hurts but they are still dead, so now and then I'll have a bad day.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
"I wasn't frightened and I took things at face value." This is what I want.
Part of that is NOT doing things which INVITE chaos and lunacy into my life. I can't stop it going on around me, but choosing not to talk to him is about that. Choosing to stop waiting for him to engage with his own L or asking him to respond about practical things. No snooping or FB stuff. Reducing how often I visit my mother. Managing how much of my days are spent on the rubble of my M/my parent's stuff vs how much is about new things.
I know I've made progress, but not enough and it's taken me too long.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
