Trying to detach from WTF world

[Treasur]

Salt and vinegar? With a cheeky Chardonnay?

[Treasur]

Have to go to our old house today which is up for sale, to clear some last bits and pick up mail. Dreading it. Still can't believe this is what happened to my marriage and my life. Like a massive trigger with boots on. Life just became lunacy two years ago and nothing makes sense really even now. Really dreading it but it has to be done.

[MrCAS]

You will be in my thoughts today. Take deep breathes.

[leahsue]

Yes, Treasur, you'll be in my thoughts, too.

It will be hard, but we can do hard things.

"This is anything but easy, but you are anything but weak."

[Treasur]

Ok, I'm back. Big brave girl pants worked. Needed them because I had to go to our old house and my parent's old house. It just hurts and after almost 2 years I'm tired of hurting.

Either God or my Dad intervened. I went to put flowers on my Dad's grave and my Uncle happened to be there. I had a shoulder to cry on because I just miss all three of them so much and I feel so alone sometimes. Like a child really; I just don't get how my loving H turned into someone who would want to be so cruel. Where did all that love and friendship go?

I'm struggling this week, I know. I'm doing the practical things I need to do, but sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I've been a teensy bit suicidal...not seriously as I was a few months ago when I had a plan...but just tired of hurting and tired of a life that feels so mad and not mine.

[JujuB]

(((Treasure)))

The pain will go away. Its all impermanent. Feelings (both good and bad) come and go.

When i get down like that, i remind myself of who i am. That i did nothing wrong or to intentionally hurt someone.
And that we are all going to die eventually any way. So what things can i do right now that i would regret not doing of i was to go tomorrow.

Sounds like its time for some self care.

[Treasur]

Thanks, juju. I think I'm just tired of pain and grief. Losing my parents and my H simultaneously, my home, my garden, my financial stability, my mental health for a bit...it's been a heavy load. Self-care is tricky sometimes because I just feel exhausted by the rubble that needs to be dealt with. I guess it is an adjustment too because until this, I was a very lucky person and blessed with a lot of love so maybe a bit complacent.

Better this morning. As you say, I have learned that feelings pass.

I've been reading ... and other posts here, and they have helped me see the need to drop the rope and stop smoking 'hopium'. Like everyone else, I've felt my STBXH had stolen my reality/history by overwriting it. I've veered from desperately wanting to hold on to my own good memories vs. wondering if it was all a fake. When I'm angry at the WTF chaos that STBXH unleashed into my life, I think yup, he never really was who I thought or loved me because you don't do this to someone you care about. But somehow, in my quieter moments, that doesn't feel like the truth. I could be wrong, of course I could, but in the end I think you have to trust your gut.

I think our relationship was good and mostly healthy. I think my H really cherished me and I see no evidence, even with a cold dark eye, that he wasn't the man I thought he was or was a serial cheater or abusive to me. I just don't. I think our weak spots were that I was an impatient fixer who mind read him too much and he was given to avoiding responsibility for his own s**t, taking the fixes but resenting the feeling of being controlled at the same time. I think we both got into a pattern of not talking about what we were both unhappy about in life, sometimes to protect the other person. I think he had broken bits from his FOO which I underestimated and a low-grade cycle of depression over the years. We had a rough life patch and both of us shut down a bit and disconnected. I think he was unhappy with his life, initially not with me, and then obviously decided I was the problem. I don't know if his A triggered his breakdown or if the breakdown led him to the A as a coping strategy. I do know that he was diagnosed with severe OCD/depression and has been in therapy since. I got the ILYB script. His pattern has been to run, hide and avoid me and every other bit of his old life. I can see ways in which our M could have been better but his choices meant we never had the chance to talk about them. Sad. Some of the WTF stuff has been pretty extreme and rationally just tells me that this isn't about me or even our M; it's about him destroying his old self and flailing around trying to create a new one. And bizarrely perhaps he felt we were too close for him to do that without destroying our relationship too. And he chose to talk to others rather than me, to run and to have an A - all of that rather than just talk to me. I think he was/is afraid to talk to me because of his assumptions about how I'd react. Some right, some wrong. And he decided that he doesn't love me and doesn't want me in his life.

Being rational again, it's as if he can't let himself see me or take a more moderate path even to S and D. Do I think he is happy and at peace with his choices? Logically, probably not. If he was, he would be handling the D process differently and acting more rationally.

None of this changes what is real now. I love my H and I would have taken a bullet for him. But I can't let him destroy any more of my life while he is busy destroying his own. Someone has to be calm and sane around here! Acceptance for me - and it has been hard - is that he is no longer the man I married and he brings chaos and destruction right now because that is where he is in his own life. I can be compassionate about that but I don't want to live a life full of WTF, where I am waiting for the next shock or feel threatened by his OW or by his crazy self-destructive financial/practical choices. And that is reality as it stands.

So, for me? The pain of losing my family will come and go. Whether I like it or not, my H will soon be my STBXH and is unlikely to ever talk to me again. I will probably never see him again or know what happens to him. I love him and I will miss him; he is unique for me and leaves a unique space. To D rather than just talk seems madness to me, but that is the choice he has made. It says nothing about me or my value as a wife or human being. I need a life that is not WTF crazy because it just isn't who I am and I resent it being forced on me. The only way to stop it is to turn my back on it, which means severing my links with him, which means D is the only sensible option. Followed by NC at all forever, as if he died.

So DBing is for me, not him, to save myself from the wreckage of his train wreck if that makes sense. But some days, it is very hard and I miss his pre-shark eyes face. I miss seeing him smile at me. I miss listening to his thoughts and ideas. But, if he had died (and he was suicidal for months), this is pretty much where I would be. The same pain, the same bewilderment, the same anger. When the D is done and there are no practical links between us at all, it will be easier to grieve for him and move forward without having to deal with the painful frustrating WTF reality of what he is now. It will be nice to remember my beloved without having to deal with this silent irrational monster who has replaced him.

[OwnIt]

Gosh darn it. I wish I could trade the divorce fearing part of my cold-hearted H for one of these good guys who got lost. Why do those guys run out and file and mine won't?

Treasur I had lots of people try to draw my attention to the fact that I was giving up my power and being weak and waiting. It cost me $600 to change my mental outlook. I found a way to get out of insanity-inducing limbo for my children and myself without having to go down the path of mutually-assured destruction. In short, a way to accomplish my goals without waiting for my H to bless them.

What could you do, actively, that would make you feel like you were doing something. I think I read somewhere that there are two ways to think about dropping the rope, one of them is almost an anti-action, just letting go, the other one forceful and active. An action rather than a failure to act.

What is the thing you would be doing now in your life for you, if he were waiting for you kindly and lovingly at home. Surely you wouldn't just sit in your lounge (right word?) staring lovingly into his eyes for the rest of your life. Instead of thinking of him as dead or gone, think of him as beside you and how you would be interacting with the rest of the world. Maybe that will help you find some actions that allow you to move on, at least until doing so feels more natural.

[Treasur]

Gosh, OwnIt, great (gentle) 2x4 challenging question.

I think I was in limbo for a long time. To be fair to me, I was just overwhelmed by losing my parents and H simultaneously. If it had just been my H, I would have taken action sooner but I was lost in grief for about a year.

Detaching has been a gradual process for me over the last few months, and is has evolved from letting go towards a more active feeling. In the last 4 months, I decided to rent a house by the sea just for me (great choice) and start doing GAL things that were just about me from running to jumping out of a plane. No permission needed!

The next more active step has been to say no to my H's 'chat' suggestion and to choose to go NC completely except via the Ls, 14 days now. It's a 180 for me so by now he is probably noticing and it makes dealing with practical stuff more challenging. But I didn't do it for him in a drop the rope way; I did it for me in a no more WTF or waiting for him to act. I have also instructed my L to take us to Court in a fortnight because I'm done waiting for him to engage with the D he initiated. Again, that's an action for me - to secure my financial wellbeing and put an end to this WTF stage of my life.

If he were with me? (And you're quite right that we didn't sit around just gazing lovingly at each other!) The practical and emotional impact of my father's death and my mother's dementia would still have overwhelmed me, although my H would have helped. Grief is s**t and it would have battered me anyway. If he were here by my side, I would want to rebuild my business and find more joy in my working life so I feel like me again. I would want us to be stronger financially because my income was hit hard in the last two years. I would want to get clear of the post-death/dementia practical rubble as quickly as possible to make space and time for new things. I would want to focus on dreams and new adventures rather than day-to-day practicalities because those things are about life and joy rather than death and grief. I would want to feel strong and grateful rather than battered and grieving. I would want to feel engaged with life and friends and new challenges rather than a zombie observer.

Clever you...I'm going to print this out because you've helped me make a manifesto for what next, haven't you?

[Treasur]

All I can say is Byron Katie - wow!