Here again part 12

[25yearsmlc]

She told me to tell him he has til Friday to get out when I met with her.

I would check in with her first, anyhow. And I'd give him LESS NOTICE...

And I'd say NOT a word about what you think he "wants or has made clear,".

TO me, That's^^^ you saying "h, please disagree and change change your mind....(and...and h, do you still care??"

Just comes across as needy, imo.

There are many reasons for you to file and for him to find his own place.

NO NEED to say them again. There is nothing to say anymore.

He's heard it all before, and it will dilute the impact of your action.

Also do NOT tell him you are filing. Seriously, do NOT TELL HIM you are filing.

Just wait till the last possible moment and tell him what YOU need/want

which is for him to leave by Friday.

Then get ready to pack his stuff, box it and put it out in the garage or lawn or wherever it makes sense. Ask your dad for help if you need it.

[T384]

Okay ya I wasn't planning on telling him about filing

I was using part of that script from what Cadence wrote and Train said it sounded okay too. That's why I came up with you aren't interested in our m or whatever along those lines.

So I should just tell him I want him to move out, wait to tell him that until right before he files and then that's it.

Don't mention OW, the concerts, nothing??

It is so hard to not tell him I know.

I also plan on shutting his cell phone off when he's served. I have to check with the L about that first but I pay the bill and I bought the iPhone he has. I am not going to pay for. Aphone he's using to have an affair.

[25yearsmlc]

Okay ya I wasn't planning on telling him about filing
-

Don't mention OW, the concerts, nothing??

It is so hard to not tell him I know.

um, T3, you know what ^^^ this is, don't you? This is you showing him!! You are "not stupid!"

Why the need? It will not achieve your goal...play your cards closer to the vest and ACT rather than speak...

I also plan on shutting his cell phone off when he's served. I have to check with the L about that first but I pay the bill and I bought the iPhone he has. I am not going to pay for. Aphone he's using to have an affair.

T3, if you wanted to save money that's one thing. But to me, this^^ is you stomping your feet.

Either cancel the phone or don't. But do not link it to who he calls. Way too much energy showing him and manipulating as if he won't just fix that and b1tch about you some more. He will NOT slap his forehead in shame & revelation.

Remember we don't care who he is with or calling. Or at least we can act like it till it becomes real.

And oh, btw, my h gave me AND himself nice new iPhone 6's for Christmas of 2015 .

Unbeknownst to me (till about 4 months ago) I've been paying for those "gifts" on my credit card the whole time. Incredible...

Yeah, I got a good "LAUGH" about that.

[cadence]

I was using part of that script from what Cadence wrote and Train said it sounded okay too. That's why I came up with you aren't interested in our m or whatever along those lines.

Things are rapidly changing T. I'm in agreement there is zero point in sending him that text at this point. And I'd never be in agreement with the laundry list, anyway. That's not the text of a strong woman who knows her value.

If you want him out, tell him you want him out. That's it. None of the other stuff. One statement, without any explanation even necessary. Don't get dragged into a back and forth. If he asks, a calm "Because you left and you're treating the house like a hotel. It's time for you to get your own place." is all you need. But, come on, like he'd really be confused.

If he starts panicking and says "what about ____? I can't just find a place quickly.", you say, "I'm sorry you're worried about it, but that's not my problem, H."

If he wants to talk custody, you could say "I think the priority is you finding a place with suitable bedrooms for the boys so you can have overnights, right? That's Step 1." That buys you time, avoids the conversation, and gets the topic back to what you want - him getting out.

Don't mention OW, the concerts, nothing??

It is so hard to not tell him I know.

What does it matter at this point? And how many times have you already told him that you "know" and that you're "not stupid"? I'm recalling that you've said these things multiple times already.

I think you're confused about the stage you're at, T. What he does doesn't matter because you aren't together anymore. He isn't trying to R with you. You're filing for D. It doesn't matter.

His cheating, lying, going to concerts and telling you he doesn't have money are relevant for you crying on the shoulders of your friends and family and talking about how much he hurt you. The connection between the two of you were accusations are relevant isn't there anymore. It will just make you look foolish and as if you're pining after him and aren't aware that he accusations no longer belong.

In order to saying and doing things you'll later regret, it's best not to look at only the words, but he larger message you'd be sending. And sending the laundry list text says "I'm still attached, H. You can still hurt me. I spend a lot of time thinking about you and what you're doing." Is that the underlying message you want to send him?

Instead of thinking about all he's done wrong, redirect your thoughts to you and your life and what you need to achieve peace in this new chapter. Refuse to ruminate on him. Refuse to get pulled into arguments. You're above that now.

[Maybell]

T, read ChumpLady today, it may help.

[25yearsmlc]

T3

Save yourself the energy and stay silent about the OW/concerts & what you know, how you are "not stupid", etc. Your message will be diluted by repeating what you have already told him several times.

Truly. I cannot emphasize this^^^ enough.

If words about what you know - or questions about HOW he can do this sh1tty wrong thing after another baby/house, mattered enough to him to stop, he'd have stopped.


Saying you are "not stupid" again, will not make you look smarter or stronger.

T3 I know how much this hurts. I know why you resist what we are saying, even in the face of the evidence, and his own words. I know why you question so much.


I get it.

It may be time for ..whatever it takes for you to look forward & not feel "stupid." (plus she's funny as he11)

But T3, Please don't get stuck or steeped in your regrets.

If you want to "look back to learn from", -- do it LATER

& for now - just get in the "lifeboat for survival mode".

Do right by your sons and by you.

We are all rooting for you.

[Maybell]

Yes, what 25 said, but also specifically read today's post in ... It's important for you to see it.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

if you are going to cancel the phone, do it solely for financial reasons.

And do not tell him, or tell him it has anything to do with OW's. Just makes you look punitive

- and he will say you're "paranoid/always suspicious/never trusting/forced me" and you'll get sucked back into gas lighting blame shifting land.


^^^That's not your landing spot anymore.

And besides, you don't need to fuel that ^^^ narrative anymore.

So, for a few minutes a day/evening, can you do yourself a favor?

Imagine a life without your h, with you being happy....

add some details. Are you working full time? What's work look like? Do you travel with the boys much? Where to? Lots of soccer, I'm betting. Do you Ever take a girl's trip?

What about a hobby you'd like to get back into? Instrument to play or class to take? There will be times you don't have the boys, so you will have some T3 time.

T3, there are things to look forward to if you'd let some light in, just for a bit. Don't get all "doomed catastrophe" on us.

These ^^^ are just some ideas, but you will have some of your own if you let yourself go there for 5 minutes.
Please let yourself see some positives in your future because they exist.

And imo, your times with the boys will be less stressful, actually. Not always of course, but more than it would be if your h was around in your face.

And yes T3, you WILL meet another man. Yes I am sure. And yes, A good man.

You know I am one of 9 kids. 3 of my brothers married a 2nd time, and each was over 35 at the time.

Each said they knew that if they remarried, they'd probably marry a single mom and they were fine with that. One brother married a woman with 3 daughters, and HE had 3 daughters entering the m, and then they had --- yes, a daughter. So he's got 7 girls. They're happy, and it's been 12 years. So Yes it happens.

having 3 sons Is not leprosy.

This is a rough time, I know. I wish you could see that what my son told ME is true for you as well. Here is what he said and what I have typed on my phone to remind me.

"you are bound for so much more happiness now, I can't wait for you to see that."

[cadence]

T, you haven't posted, which makes me worry for you. If you're struggling, re-read 25's post. You are going to be happy, no matter what. You've got to recover from this, work on yourself to be ready to live an amazing and fulfilling life, but you'll do it.

You are in one of the most stressful parts. I know it hurts and it feels like you didn't have a choice because he hasn't given you one. And that's absolutely true. Sometimes we can't get what we want and we have to make the best of the options that we have, and that is what I see you doing by filing.

You deserve better than this, T, and you know it. That's one reason you're taking the step you're taking, but also to protect your boys.

If I know you, you also feel guilty because H is going to potentially struggle. But spending time thinking of that would be codependent, T. He wanted out, he was given every chance in the world to choose a different path, and these were the repercussions anyone could see coming from a mile away.

It isn't your fault.

Stand strong, and show him - via your actions and choices - that you are a strong woman. He'll start to understand that there's a new sheriff in town, and she's not worried about what he thinks of her, nor does she bother to rehash the topics a married couple might argue about, because she's accepted that things are radically different now. She's not even angry at him; she just has zero interest in engaging with him. She's taken the lemons he's handed her and she's going to make lemonade.

And ^that is what he fears the most. The T that would argue with him, and tell him what she knows and that she's not stupid, he knows how to handle her. He's got no clue how to manipulate the T that has risen above all of this, and that is the T we want you to strive for.

Hold your head up high, and know in your heart of hearts that this is probably not going to turn out well for him, since he's looking for a source of happiness outside of himself. But, oh well. He's an adult, and if he expected he could leave and still manipulate you to make it all easier on him, he's got another thing coming.

[Treasur]

How are you, T?