Here again part 12

[AnotherStander]

H sent me a text and said

We need to sit down and go over finances one night soon. I can't afford everything I am paying right now.

Do I bother responding to this??

Wow. OK from what I've read you're saying that if you file your L is convinced you will be getting more money from H than you are right now. And H has just put you on notice that he wants to sit down and tell you he is intending to pay you LESS. Let me just join the chorus here, you really only have one course of action and it is to FILE! Filing for D is not going to make your sitch worse. It may very well make it better. It could be the wakeup call for H that you are DONE putting up with his crap and it could slap him back to reality. No more cake-eating, no more playing part-time dad when it suits him, no more campouts at your place when the mood strikes.

Look T, the reality is he is only paying you now because he thinks he has to. If he could weasel out of it he would. HE IS NOT DOING IT OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART. He suspects that if he doesn't pay then you'll rain hellfire on him and things will be 10x worse. He's been paying, but he's already trying to finagle some of that money back and for what? Motorcycle parts, more steroids, travel, gifts for OW, etc. Nothing that benefits you or the kids I can promise you that. You need to get this process rolling before he decides to cut you off completely.

[Maybell]

WHAT ON EARTH ABOUT THIS MAN DO YOU WANT TO KEEP???

If he did a 180 right now and said, "Baby, I was wrong, everything we have is wonderful" would you REALLY TRUST HIM?

Do you want your sons to grow up to treat women the way he treats you, because you are showing them that behaving this way to a loved one is OK, she'll take him back. Is that what you want for them, or do you want them to be adults who make adult choices and who can look themselves (and you!) in the eye and feel self-respect?

You are paying a good lawyer good money to be your advocate. DO NOT SQUANDER THAT. Do as she says. NOTHING YOUR H SAYS IS RELEVANT. This would be true even if he hadn't dissipated marital assets on foolishness.

Why do you worry about pushing HIM away? Because he told you you were? You sound like the survivor of Stockholm Syndrome. He blameshifted onto you and you're taking it. Why would you do that???

You're not going to snap out of it, so please just stop listening to your heart and start listening to your head.

I'm sorry to be so frank but just when I think you're making progress you go straight back into wishing for him back. Be angry, be hurt, grieve, and all that, but for pete's sakes do what your lawyer tells you and STOP ENGAGING WITH HIS NONSENSE.

[Treasur]

I know it's hard, T, and it isn't what your heart yearns for right now BUT if you keep doing the same, you'll get the same results...and I know that this result right now is not what you want for you, your kids or your life.

Trust your L. Be brave. Take control of this s**t. Trust the wise women here. We know you can do this and we will have your virtual back xxx

[T384]

I get it

I know I suck, I am stupid for wanting this man, I KNOW!

Trust me, if I could take a magic pill to not feel this way about him I would. I am fighting reality that I am so DISPOSABLE to someone. That our boys are DISPOSABLE.

That he can hurt the people who love him most.

How he can be with someone else and not think about me and not give two you know what's about me.

And then to hear from every single person in my life he is never coming back. That this is the sandwich I am forced to eat like it or not.

I am going to file. I know I have to, I told the L I wanted to finish my school tomorrow, spend the last couple days of this week with the kids and would call her Monday at the latest to proceed. I've already paid to file.

When the heII does it get better? When do I stop being so hurt and so emotionally involved? I removed our family pictures today from the picture frames and replaced them with ones of the boys because it hurts so much to look at that stuff.

It hurts to just be so disposable. To feel so damn rejected as a person that is here that loves him so much and is caring for our boys while hes out parading around living this grandiose life.

Moral of the story I am going to file. I know that's what I have to do. I won't let my heart get in the way of potentially hurting my boys.

[lcause]

Listen T. You are getting valuable support here.

I'm not like the man your H is, I would never cheat my future wife or any gf I will be with (or been with). So I can't say what on earth goes in his mind. But I'm still a man and I can say that a woman who would just move on with their life and act on it would be much more attractive than a woman who just clinged and waited. He knows you are there for him if nothing else works. Like you said for me, people want what they can't have. Trust that. Protect yourself. Go with the D. You'll get the money. If H never snaps out of this, you will find a better man - if he does, then you can make him work hard for months before accepting him back - I'm sorry, WHY do you even want him back in the first place???

I guarantee it for you. From your texts, I can see that you are a loving, a caring and a wonderful woman any man would like to have in their life as their wife. Your H is a (sorry) plain moron for not seeing this. You deserve better. You will get better if you desire so!

[woundedfool]

I got noting to add other then, you got this T0!

[Thornton]

Hang in there, T.

I know it's so confusing right now. You want this marriage to work but not with H as he is now.

I can tell you that it does get better with time. But you will still have bad days so expect them.

For me, establishing a routine without W around really helped. It just takes time and there are no shortcuts.

[T384]

Thanks all...

Logging patients all day and getting the kids off to soccer.

I never responded to H's text. If he approaches me about finances I will listen but probably won't add much because I'm afraid I'll have diarrhea of the mouth that maybe he should talk to one of the women he's confiding in to help him with finances.

Sandi- it stings to hear you say he will never come back. I think I look to this board for hope to tell me he might change and come back one day. My dad already told me he wouldn't be able to be so close in my life anymore if H came back because he couldn't watch him do it to me again.

[leahsue]

T,
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US ON HERE HAS BEEN "DISPOSED OF".

Some of us with no warning. Just like a light bulb.

And it hurts like He11!

I cannot add to the advice you've been given, except to say- just for this next few days, when emotion looms strong in your head and heart, shut it down!

You can deal with all that later, but for now, if you are as committed to those boys as you seem to be, you MUST legally protect them. And pining for your H is not getting that done.

Has it occured to you that H may have gotten wind of the fact that YOU have sought legal advice, and that he may be waiting and prepping to be served? When I read his last text whining about no money, and we need to talk, it struck me that he is laying some groundwork for a legal fight.

Sometimes he strikes me as a spoiled, little man/boy, but recently, either he is getting some advice about paving the way to a legal battle with you, or he is just acting dumb, but may be Wile. E. Coyote under that dumb facade.

You owe it to your boys to act on this, and quit making excuses for waiting. As long as both people are still alive, there's always hope for a new marriage to the same person. But now is NOT the time to be thinking about that.

If your boys were in a burning building, would you wait around to see if the fire put itself out on its own? Of course not!!!! So get busy rescuing them and yourself.

PLEASE, PLEASE listen to the people on here and DO NOT KEEP PUTTING THIS OFF thinking it will get easier. It won't, until you take action, and it may very well get worse if you keep procrastinating with "enjoying time with the boys, etc".

I know this came off as a 2x4, but I just am so afraid for you right now, and I don't think you are stopping the mourning for the H he used to be, to take this as seriously as you should.

You know we would not be spending this much time and energy on here trying to beat some sense into you, if we didn't all love and want to protect you.

[Maybell]

It gets better a little at a time without you noticing. But only if you don't pick the scab. Taking pictures of him off the wall and replacing them with ones that bring you joy are an important first step. The others will come to you as you move through the process. But it really does get better. Better than you would ever believe.

I don't know how you can see all the people here cheering you on, and the great colleagues at your work/school, and your supportive parents (even if sometimes they're hard to listen to) and all the friends you clearly have, and the wonderful extended family, and think that you or your boys are disposable. That you would take all that evidence of how wonderful and precious the four of you are and weigh that against your H's evidence and decide that HIS is the evidence that counts. That baffles me. That's where your head needs to start lecturing your heart: His evidence is not worth as much as the evidence of the 100+ people cheering you on, so give it the weight it deserves. If he was someone you could respect, then MAYBE it would be worth talking about whether you were as awful as he said, but really, what about him is worth looking up to? And why would you hang your self-worth on the opinion of someone you can't respect?

You don't suck. Not even a little bit. But please apply your enormous determination and willpower to making a great life for yourself, not to hanging on to this person who you wouldn't even be friends with if you met him today.

Keep moving, T, you have no idea how wonderful the view is on the other side. It's like living in Oz instead of Kansas.