Wise words, T - hadn't thought about the 'well I've filed so it's not really adultery' game!
My gut says - for what it's worth - that it is about avoiding reality and I think he might just be seeing what a truly horrible mess he's made for himself. (Not sure he gives a stuff about me though!) I guess when they literally run away and won't talk at all, it is easier for them to live in fantasy land isn't it? When your H filed, that was the first time? Did he ever say why he was resistant to getting on with stuff?
Hey ho, I guess you're right - was just hoping someone would be smarter than me and have a cunning plan that worked for them!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Right, my H was going on vacations, very enthralled with OW and avoided any discussions with me. We didn't talk much if at all. He didn't want to talk about anythign because it reminded him of the life he was trying to erase.
Yes he filed a few weeks after BD. Actually the BD for me was coming home to find out he had left. There was no conversation until many weeks later.
When we were piecing and R ... I asked a lot of questions about why he came back, what he was thinking, etc etc because I wanted to know everything. I tried to come back here and help others with that knowledge because at the time a lot of people on this board thought my H was one of the most terrible ones they had seen.
As far as the D process... he said that he didn't like his lawyer and had just filed and never heard anything more. That he wsa told these things take a long time. He said once my L started pressing his is when he started seeing reality. How permanent his choices were and how badly it would affect the boys. This put him in a bad mood, miserable, and OW didn't like it. He wasn't the fun carefree guy to go out and live this wild fantasy life.
So I'm not sure what that answers for you. That he wasn't concerned about pursuing D because he was living his new life. That he had filed and felt like that was enough to clear his conscience and that he said he was pressured into filing because OW wasn't going to put up with his old life mixing with his new life. But once he was held to the fire it started taking its toll on him. He and OW started having problems because from what he told me *which who knows the truth* she didn't like that he had to be in contact with me. He didn't like that he would text me while they were away for the weekend even if it was regarding kids or bills. She just didn't like that he had a past. H doesn't deal well with people telling him what to do or being negative, then he turns miserable. He said he turned miserable and she didn't want to be around him and he decided it was time to move out of her dads and get his own place, then they split up and well the rest is history.
Ok, in the defense of my profession, not all lawyers are out to take advantage of clients. My lawyer, to whom I've only paid about $600 at this point and has not even requested a retainer (this for in excess of 2 hours of very specific discussion of my case and additional review of my documents), was adamant that I not file for divorce because of concerns that my H will use the process to hurt me and my children (and I now realize because there is an important timing component that affects the distribution of assets under state law), and has the resources to do so.
It is important to find the right lawyer, not the first one and not the cheapest.
It is also important to recognize that it is timidity in the legal process that is expensive. Bold, decisive action often shortcuts a more expensive drawn-out process. T that applies to your situation as well.
I filed first because my attorneys advised that i did based on the fact that we lived in 2 different counties. I was told that if he filed first, his county was more unfavorable to women. (I believe it was a scare tactic for me to hurry up and retain the lawyer though.) So it could be based on tacticle advise of the lawyer he hired, but meanwhile hes not emotionally ready for it.
Sorry ownit, i didnt mean to insult the entire profession. My attorneys firm had an a+ rating on the better business bureau. I was referred to them by someone that worked in a prestigious law firm. The attorney i retained went to a top law school, had articles written, and billed 500 dollars an hour.
I think they saw me as an easy mark because i do not have a legal background and was definatly in a vulnerable state
To be fair, I trust my L. She worked with my on my dad's probate and my mum's guardianship and has known about this unfolding chaos since Mar 2016. She is as frustrated (in a calm lawyerly way) at how unreasonable and dishonest my H is being. She is not pushing me to do this, but just thinks we have run out of other options to protect my interests.
In the UK, legal divorce and financial agreements are separate things, so because my H filed - particularly if he wants to remarry quickly - he has an incentive to finalise the D but no real incentive to deal with the nitty-gritty financials. And the partial financial stuff so far has exposed some of his lies and rather dodgy financial behaviour, as well as providing evidence of who the OW is. From his POV, fantasy land is living on his aunt's million pound houseboat in London for free with maid service and bunking up for free in our old home town in OW's house the rest of the time - he's not suffering in a cold attic!
T - some of what you say sounds a bit like my H - someone else called it the zipless divorce! As if you say the magic D word and all is resolved with legal fairy dust... Reality may be biting but of course we don't have children. I think when H was trying to talk to me, he was trying to drop word blah hints that there may be trouble in OW paradise and that things weren't as I thought. But I didn't want to chase that cheesiness tunnel so I ignored it and refused to put the mind reading turban on! He certainly seemed surprised that after months of ignoring me I said 'no thanks' to the chat on the phone every day idea...it may be sinking in that this is a horrible mess, that he has burned his bridges with me and that he's going to come out of it with not much more than his salary and OW. But, as we say, not my circus etc...
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
