Here again part 12

[25yearsmlc]

Oh and before I forget.... I can't file for support without filing D....


I'm not detached enough to want D. Divorce is NOT what I want but it's what I have to do to get an order for support.

Do you all feel this is the best choice for me to file even though it's not what I want? I know it's what H wants right now and I guess it would be releasing the rope but I would solely be filing because I need $$

I do not care a whit about what your h wants or thinks he wants.

Stop the mind reading b/c it gets you nowhere. Trust only his actions...


Needing money is why many people file. Like a LOT.

My h went off to Alaska saying HE did "not want a divorce"..and God knows I did not.

But then he left and cut off the joint checking account with our marital cash...again I did not want to divorce.

But i had $700 and I had just gotten out of the hospital for adult onset seizures/epilepsy. I was in such a haze with the zapped brain and new medications that I really did not appreciate the extent of his $h1t until my family kept calling and howling at me to "see a L asap!" We had moved 10 months earlier to a new area FOR H's job. So I knew 2 people.

So I saw a L, and told him everything and my fear was mostly that I was simply screwed and would have to "ask" h for money to get any (but I got radio silence when I did ask)

So that led me to file 3 days later (4 days after h left).

2 of my sisters flew out to pack me, along with my older kids driving up with some LA friends too. BIL drove me and my dog, cross country in a moving van...and I moved into my sister's basement with my dog for 4 months. Now I have a condo near the subway in case I have another seizure and can't drive again, (for 3 years if I have a seizure while on medication).

To reiterate

I did not want a divorce. H SAID he did not want a divorce. Just needed to "reboot the marriage (& other times blurted out that he knew and I should "know" that I'd "come running up to Alaska in a year"....) I suspect h wanted me as a back up plan or he wanted to explore OW and an adventure and probably told himself he was being FAIR and was forced to do this b/c he was unhappy.

BTW He never once told me he was miserable or unhappy or wanted counseling or anything indicating dissatisfaction in the m. Not once. We had a good sex life too. I So yeah, I was reeling for a long time.

Of course I NOW see things I did not see then, but that is another story.

So no I did not want a divorce or to lose the dreams I had of us growing old together and ME finally getting "my turn" and us traveling with our 2 pensions and nest egg

Only to now be financially strapped or screwed?

OMG I felt SO vulnerable. At the time I filed I did not know about any OW.

if I had known back last autumn, there would have been zero hesitation. And little conscious hope for a recon - b/c I'd know deep deep down, that I'd be unable to piece after a second ordeal. I mean, in theory maybe...

T3 Listen...
I NEVER suspected my h was capable of this type of treatment, (and to my knowledge he never behaved this way before). For me there were too many red flags.

Your h has a history and you are financially vulnerable in a way that only gets addressed by filing (in your state anyhow).

You have an openly "done" h, who is seeing OWs, who randomly rotates through the home,

And who whines about not having enough money to "have any fun" (ding ding ding!! Money alert & Kids at risk..)

T3 even without the boundaries and self respect that are factors in filing, I believe you have to for your financial well being and your sons

It could be argued that without an agreement (which Florida doesn't really have without filing for Div)

it'd be irresponsible of you to ignore the financial red flags. It would be very risky to your boys to keep taking a chance on this.

You said your h spent a lot of money on OW1 last time. Thus, It's not as if you are not forewarned about his spending habits.

And now you have another son who will cost money to support.

I honestly see no option for you and I don't think I'm projecting.

PS

1/3 of divorces filed in CA are never completed. Presumably many of the ones who fade out do so b/c they reconcile.

I do not believe you can reconcile with your h anytime soon...Not saying it's impossible. I always think there is hope and with a lot of time for you to heal (calmer, less reactive)

and your h to unscrew his brain and reattach it, (to get distance and time for him to SEE the grass is not greener AND for him to do some real work, which he clearly skimmed last go round ) who knows? Couples do remarry their exes, but usually it's a few years down the road. Which makes sense.

So I would prepare to handle yourself with as much dignified confidence as possible, and move forward.

[25yearsmlc]

You're doing the right - and only - thing.

i guess I could've just said ":THIS^^^"

[Treasur]

I agree with OwnIt. You didn't choose this situation. He doesn't care about your thoughts or feelings right now. And no-one knows if a) he will return to your M or b) if you will still want him if he does after this. So don't worry about any of that...just focus on what you need to do next to restore some calm, stability and control for you and the kids.

Your L sounds fab. Do what she tells you, no more and no less. On everything else, drink the STFU smoothie and give him no insight into your feelings or plans. Assume he will lie and assume that he will always put his needs in front of you and the kids right now. You can be pleasantly surprised if he doesn't, but safer to assume the worst.

You are doing fantastically well in a truly s**tty situation and you should be proud of yourself.

[Maybell]

Everything 25 and everyone else said.

I didn't file for divorce because i wanted to. I just didn't see any other option. But once I started the process I began to feel more at peace with the end of the marriage because the life I envisioned for myself was so much calmer and more manageable than the one I was living AND the one I had been living while he was with us.

Imagine your life without your H. What will it be like? I'd love to see you (once you're caught up) actually write out a vision for yourself of what your life is like without him, and see how it feels. Do it here. Happy T is such a pleasure.

GREAT JOB on the academic success! You are truly an inspiration.

[cadence]

I second the inspiration part. T, I must admit, when I'm feeling low on motivation and I think of all that you're able to do.

You did what you needed to do. H put his feelings as a priority a long time ago, and that means you must do the same. He's really given you no choice. It's a difficult habit to stop considering their feelings, but logic tells us they already stopped considering ours when they left. The only thing that matters now is you setting up an H free life for you and the boys, assuming that things won't work out, because that is what is best for you.

What you are doing is ok. Not only ok, it is fantastic because you are advocating for yourself and your boys.

I imagine that H will be mad when he gets served. He really wanted to maintain control over you and convince you that he was just trying to get space/think. In other words, he wanted you to sit nicely on the shelf where he placed you, in case his amazing new life doesn't pan out. Be prepared to shut your phone off or do whatever you need to do to not listen to the manipulation he's probably going to serve up to you when he is served. My guess is he's going to try to guilt trip you; that you ruined everything. Do not listen to the mad man. He was hoping you'd help him with his ego such that he could gracefully exit the marriage with few repercussions. He is selfish, and thinks the marital vows only apply to you.

And I am also on board to listen to your L and not tip him off. I think it's adorable that you were laughing about the cats and the box in the garage. That's my T: not letting this selfish man take down your spirit. I tried to do the same before I left the house, because it was a matter of pride. I was not going to give him anything to justify his choices, and I was going to show him I was still the same funny, pretty, kind, and smart person he fell for; it's just none of it was flowing directly toward him anymore.

I was a bit pathetic in setting up something for myself before I went. I had a new outfit, I styled my hair in a new way, and I had a friend texting me repeatedly as I prepared to leave for the evening. I had my phone's ringer on, so my phone kept chirping and I'd pick it up every three or so texts and giggle. I even was rolling my eyes and shaking my head a little bit, because man did this mysterious texter want to talk to me! He sat watching me as I stopped in front of a mirror and primped a bit. I wanted him to see that I was going to be happy no matter what he did, and I wanted to remind him what he was losing. And then I left for the evening and came home late. I was really at a friend's dinner party, but he didn't need to know that.

T, even if things don't eventually work out with H, you are lovely, intelligent, devoted, and funny. Picture a life with the boys having a respectable and emotionally stable stepfather, because that could happen. In fact, start acting like it. You don't need H and other men will pursue you. I'm not saying to get involved or talk to anyone, but simply to let that knowledge boost your spirits and try to have a little fun with this absurd situation. The cats in the boxes in the garage is exactly the type of attitude I'd like to see more of. No matter what H does, you're still T, and you can still have fun and know your value as a woman.

And I'm pretty sure after your second round of this, if/when you start dating, stability and respectability are going to be high on your attraction list. You'd want A Man, one who is not searching for external happiness, one who follows through on commitments and who doesn't randomly leave when he begins to feel empty (and he blames that feeling on you.)

Your mixed feelings and your struggles are natural for where you are in this process. You had spent so long walking on the eggshells that H laid down in front of you.

Please cut yourself a break and be good to yourself. If you have time, maybe sneak out and do something nice for yourself (a new pedicure, or a new outfit) to celebrate overcoming the adversity H has introduced and not only surviving, but thriving.

And don't forget to nurture your spirit, too. You've mentioned PTSD from H's first round, so have you made treating that a priority? You want to be the best you that you can be, if H gets his act together (and he's got a great deal to get together), or if you start dating in the future. Bringing this emotional baggage into a new relationship wouldn't be fair and would increase the possibility that you don't find happiness.

Insecure attracts and is attracted to insecure (manifesting in different ways). Secure attracts and is attracted to secure. You want to be in the latter group to make sure you devote yourself to A Good Man.

H's worst nightmare is losing his perceived sense of control over you, you filing, and - heaven forbid - you realizing that you are a catch and acting as such. You're already working on the first and second (though H doesn't know about the second), so work on the third, too. Do something that makes you feel good and reminds yourself that you are beautiful, and it's too bad H has his selfish blinders on, because once you're a free agent your dance card will be full.

I hope this was helpful. I know you're going to feel down and second guess yourself, and I hope you don't put yourself through that. You had no choice. You're just picking up the pieces of what H chose to destroy.

[Maybell]

Hey, T, I think I remembered that right before your H came back last time that you had actually started talking to a doctor who had an interest in you. Am I remembering right?

I hope you'll imagine what life is like without your H in it. And that you'll tell us exactly why you're still hoping to get him back. Is he platinum plated or something? Because he doesn't sound like a catch at ALL from here.

Keep on swimming, T!!

[Maybell]

PS, FWIW, I don't think it's a great idea to imagine a new guy in your life quite yet. Give yourself some space to rest before that happens.

[AnotherStander]

Wow, some amazing posts here, especially what OwnIt posted yesterday. Incredible stuff!

T, hang in there, you're doing awesome even though it doesn't feel like it to you. You are going to come out of this stronger and better than ever. I think a lot of us can see the future "after T" better than you do, and we see an amazing, strong, independent woman that is ready for anything. You'll get there sooner than you think.

[T384]

Goodness, you all are W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L!

I had a rough night with the baby up every 1-2 hours. Believe it or not he's cutting a tooth... my boys never got teeth until 5-6 months old so it's odd seeing an almost 3 month old drooling so much and he's not coordinated enough to hold a teething ring or anything.

I am going to go back to all of your posts and try to address each of you and your thoughts so if I miss someone it's not intentional.

But before I type that long post I'm going to put this out there because I was thinking A L O T last night, probably too much for my own good. Filing D for me feels like giving up. Like I am in agreement with his choices. I get it that I have no other option and this is what he wants. I hope that in time I will accept that I had no other choice. I REALLY am struggling with feeling like *I* could have done something different, that *I* pushed him away like he says, and that things would have been okay if I would have just left him alone. My heart is telling me things could have been okay if I would have just not said anything all those months. I know it doesn't matter but I am beating myself up over it.

Secondly, do any of you think I should try and have a conversation with H to see if he is willing to agree on support and visitation and then offer to have it legally drawn up? Or do you all really think it's best just to have him served out of nowhere? I just know serving him is going to create mass chaos. We have all my hospital bills coming in that he is trying to pay plus our taxes and other bills. I know he is very stressed about that and so far he's been paying everything. He bought the new dryer the other night and took care of that. I am NOT by any means sticking up for him because this is all his responsibility. I am just I guess playing devils advocate if I should give him the opportunity to agree to paying/childcare before just having him served out of nowhere. Last time we talked he knew I didn't want D and I feel like it's being calculating... which he has been this entire time.

I went out to the living room this morning to find he had wrote down a list of all the bills he pays and conveniently left it out on the table for me. This is because last night I reminded him the electric was past due (I normally pay) and I said I had paid half and the other half was due.

Okay, so I guess I'm just looking for everyone's opinions on those things.

And when should I have the conversation about moving out, after I've filed but before he's served? I feel like I am losing my mind not knowing what the heII to do and so afraid of doing the wrong thing. I'm just not ready for what's about to come, I recognize that.

And in the conversation if he tries to bite back about not being able to afford to move out... where do I go with that? Because I know that's going to come. I was thinking of H, this is a decision you wanted. It is not in my best interest or the boys to be here with you coming late at night and being disrespectful with your involvement with other women while remaining in our family home --- and end it there.

Can someone just provide me the manual on how to do these things? lol

[Treasur]

Don't think there is a manual, ha ha - but it is about your boundaries, and being really brave & honest about them. And being able to stick with the consequences of them whatever he does.

Breathe and think. What are your biggest fears? And the most pressing ones? What are your top 3 priorities right now?

Please remind yourself. Your H made this choice without discussion. There may be things that could have been improved in your M or life, but he removed the chance to talk about them. Instead, he decided to have an A and (partially) leave you and your kids in limbo. This is not your fault or responsibility. Has he taken the initiative to calmly propose a generous way to give you and his family some financial & practical stability while he runs away? What has he actually done which is about what YOU need as opposed to what HE wants? And if he hasn't, why do you think he would do that now? And do you think him being 'willing to agree' anything means he will stick to it or not rage about how tough it is for him?

I know this is grim and I know you must feel overwhelmed so you doubt your own judgement. You trusted your L, I think, and her advice? What's changed?