I know I know. No R talks. But I asked H today if the reason he won't talk to the kids is because he wants me to make all the decisions. Even with the divorce itself he won't make a decision. I said i think it because you want me to be the bad person and then you can go around and say I pushed you out. And he said is that right. And I said yes. And he said he was just tired of all the arguiing. And that's what he says all the time. He's tired of the arguing. And that's why he initially left is because of the arguiing. So could it be just that? He needs the arguing to stop? Any and all confrontation. It can't be that easy. Any one else have experience like this?
He told me today that he knows nothing will change if he moves back home because things haven't changed at work. I'm still arguiing. So I simply said I was sorry he felt that way.
Lol feels like I'm talking to myself. But that's ok. It helps to come back and see how far I've come or not come. And what I still need to do in my life. So H and I had a new convo today. He was going on about how I was always argumentative and what not. And I validated. And he said pretending everything is going to be ok does make it ok. And I said I'm not pretending. I can agree with lots of things that you have said I have done wrong in the past. And some things I won't agree too. He said why would he come home since nothing has changed at work. So it will be the same at home. Everything the same. So I tried to explaining why I was upset. But I did a lot of validating and explaining that I have said things in anger that i don't actually believe. We even talked about memories and reminisced about some things. Over all I thought it productive. I learned some new things that he is still holding grudges about and upset about.
You are not talking to yourself, just look at how many people have read your thread. 1000s :-) Maybe people are just not sure what to say? You seem to be doing well. When I read your updates, they are reasonable and you are making progress. Listening and validating is key--you are doing that! Pat yourself on the back and keep it up!
You might find that the posters that get a lot of responses are asking more questions and have more dilemmas. I don't get very many replies either, but I also don't ask for much. That and there are few posters that are actively piecing. Maybe posters don't quite know how to advise me.
Keep updating even if it takes people time to reply. Also, ask for advice and specific questions.
It sounds like today your H has revealed that he is afraid that the changes won't stick. That is good news in my mind because he is thinking about things with you. You are in a unique sitch where you work together and see him daily. You get to show him your changes often. The best way to prove change is to actually change your actions and do it consistently over time. Read Sandi's rules every morning before work--go in and be your best self--keep listening and validating. It could take a very long time, but that is okay.
Lastly, take time for you. It is easy to get wrapped up in measuring if he is going to coming back. We all focus on that in the beginning! Remember that true success is not about him and what he does, but about you. Do you feel good about you and your changes? Are you happy with your GAL and 180s? What do you want in life overall? Now you have to gift of time to pursue those things.
That attitude will also attract quality people towards you. If not him, then definitely someone else one day! You want someone that appreciates you for you.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I know I know. No R talks. But I asked H today if the reason he won't talk to the kids is because he wants me to make all the decisions. Even with the divorce itself he won't make a decision. I said i think it because you want me to be the bad person and then you can go around and say I pushed you out. And he said is that right. And I said yes. And he said he was just tired of all the arguiing. And that's what he says all the time. He's tired of the arguing. And that's why he initially left is because of the arguiing. I believe poor conflict resolution skills is a factor in most divorces when you think about it. And you admit that you do not do conflict resolution in a way that he feels at peace with. So, I'd say take his words at face value until if/when he gives you reason to doubt it.
So could it be just that? He needs the arguing to stop? In one major study, people were asked what they value most in their spouses. Women said "security" (presumably financial and physical) and fidelity.
Men said what they most valued in their wives was "physical attractiveness" and "Peace". Fighting can wear people down and shut off emotions.
Any and all confrontation. It can't be that easy. hen, when you say it "can't be that easy" I really don't get what you mean. Are you saying that you don't have a problem with changing the pattern, or that you have or that it is solved?
I mean, behavioral patterns are hard to break without conscious consistent effort and usually requires new tools. especially when the behaviors are associated with emotions.
Confrontation is not the same as conflict resolution. ALL relationships have conflict, parent/child, siblings, spouses, friends, etc. Some things can slide but most have to be worked out to mutual satisfaction OR one person will not be at peace with the result.
And that means resentment at some point, will arise. Often the "loser" of the conflicts ends up storing up grievances.
Are you in IC?
Any one else have experience like this?
Early in our marriage neither h nor I knew how to fight fair. We had terrible "attack & then retreat" models from our parents. We knew we had to fix that dynamic or end up like our parents.
For reasons unrelated, I attended a personal growth workshop that was profoundly life changing for me. Among the many important things I learned was much more lasting effective conflict resolution.
it was especially useful to learn these methods in calm times, b/c the tools were way more natural to use later on during times of heated conflict.
Anyhow, a few months after seeing changes in me, h decided to attend it. The most loving years of our marriage were the 15 years that followed the workshop. I wish we had gone back a few years ago, but that is water under the bridge. (FWIW it's called Essential Experience or "EE" and it's in Philadelphia. Some DBers have attended and they each found it powerful as well).
All I'm saying is that your H seems to believe you are in a rut of arguing. You need new tools. He thinks that if you two still fight at work, which is where he sees you, then he expects the same pattern at home. That is a reasonable belief, don't you think?
Typically, we tell the LBSers to use the time they have with WASs well. Think of things like kid drop offs, or mutual friend's events, sporting things of the kids, etc.
^^^Those are opportunities to show change. To show that the dynamic can improve.
& This dynamic can change.
Since you work together, in some ways you have a lot more of a chance to show change
but it can be easier to revert to what you know, which isn't helpful obviously.
Just know that when we repeat the same destructive behaviors, we hurt the cause.
So Hen, if he were to return home, what do you think would be different/better than before?
I'm Not saying this is "your fault". I'm just trying to brainstorm with you.
And He's not here trying to stay married.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He told me today that he knows nothing will change if he moves back home because things haven't changed at work. I'm still arguiing. So I simply said I was sorry he felt that way.
So what are you doing to create a new dynamic in the m?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for your responses. After texting with him last night I know where my path lies. I need to stop arguing and be more reasonable. I'm going to search out how to resolve conflict more. And listen to actually hear him. Not just to respond. He said to me that he can't really take the kids because his house is so small. It is. It's a two bedroom and our daughter takes his room while she is there and he sleeps on the couch. He said if he takes them then he will need to sign a lease on a bigger house and he doesn't want to do that. His house he rents now has no lease. He can get out with two months notice at the moment. So I guess I repent for that. But like I said. He says he's done. But then he tells me that he can't come home because nothing willl change. And it's hard to wrap my head around not believing anything he says lol. And yes I am out GAL. I am just beginning to agility train my puppy. Which I love!!!! I am back working out again which is nice. And I try to fill my weekends with friends and stuff to do.
if he's saying nothing will change if he comes home, I would NOT ask or probe ther. You don't want to corner him. The more you challenge his choices, the more he will feel forced to defend them, and then cement them. Make sense?
But yes I would see that "if I come home", as an opening for you to model the changes you want to make.
You can simply say that "if you had it all to do over again, you'd do many things differently."
That's not a doormat statement but it does show awareness of the need to change & willingness to do so.
As for GAL, I applaud any and all. My personal suggestion is to meet new people who don't know your m situation, which is stimulating and gets your mind OFF the m.
Maybe do something that you either always wanted to do but never got around to, or an old fun thing you have not done in a long time.
I've always been glad to have done this^^.
It's just that the inertia to stay in our caves and old ways, can be powerful, so we have to overcome that and we have to overcome the resistance to change.
See, even though we can know from others what NOT to do in times of conflict and heated emotions (like from our parents)
unless we replace those negative "do NOT do" behaviors, with
new positive ways of coping in healthy manner, we tend to resort to what we know when we are confronted with painful conflict.
And the cycle continues. But the cycle can be broken.
((( )))
Hang in there
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I get the cementing thing. Today i kept it light and non argumentative. At work I listened and tried my best to get everything done on time. And he was in a much different mood. Happy and whistling. I guess sometimes I feel like if I act happy then he will think that I am ok with the separation and then he would feel no guilt. But yes who wants to be around a sullen moping person work for the day is almost done. Tomorrow is another day to get thru
So another day done. And another day I succeeded. No arguments. There was an issue that usually gets my H overwhelmed. And sure enough he did. But normally I would get all is his space and tell him to calm down and tell him to grow up. But today I stepped up to the plate and hit a home run. I kept calm and gave him all the tools HE needed to succeed. And therefore I succeeded. I take it day by day. I have noticed little things this week with H. He is more calmer with me. Doesn't immediately jump to conclusions that everything is my fault. At BD he would leave work to do an out of area service call. And he would just say to me I am going to said town. He wouldn't tell me who he was doing the call for or anything. He would just leave it open ended for me to be insecure about and unsure. This week he will leave on a call and tell me where he is going and who he is with. He is leaving his phone unattended. Ever since I set some boundaries on the weekend and backed off him things have got better. It's hard not to look on the bright side and see how things have turned around. He could still never come back. But I'm going to continue on this path and see where it takes me. He doesn't text me in the evenings or weekends yet. But he is more amicable during the day while we are together. The insecure part of me thinks he's happier because I am not bothering him so he can move on happily. But the positive part of me thinks that this is a step forward. Either way I will be ok with out him. But it is nice to see this change. Here's to another day that I can succeed.
