Hi!...so , i ended up spending Saturday at the zoo and then Sunday just on a long 7 mile walk with my W....I avoided bringing up any "us" at all costs....I never had any expectations by spending time with her...it goes without saying I DO love spending time with her and it's my impression she enjoyed the time with me...but, I am back to reality now..do I need to have a small talk with her like:
-Can you pls get tested for STDs/hiv ASAP for your own health? -I wanted to ask her how she feels about sex therapy -I wanted to ask her how she feels about individual counselling..
is this the wrong time/approach?...I feel these things MUST be communicated somehow..
Just wondering if I should be purely focusing on Improving myself and GAL or calmly asking W to arrange counseling for herself as well as us. I feel Guilty because her work is so stressful she's about to crack So I'm just lost about how to proceed right now.
Do nothing, just detach and GAL. "I feel these things MUST be communicated somehow.." Of course that's how YOU feel but a trip to the zoo is NOT a whole-hearted commitment to work on your M.
If you feel you need counselling for YOU...by all means do it. It is her choice if she wants to ask YOU if you want to do MC, or if she needs IC. And the sex/STD stuff? Not really relevant until or unless you guys start sleeping together again as part of a piecing process...but it seems far from where you are right now, so I wouldn't give it any thought at all.
I've found reminding myself of the pursuit/distance thing really helpful. GAL your head off. Focus on you. Her work stress? Meh, not your business and why would you feel guilty? Did you put a gun to her head and force her to have affairs? Some of the guys who post here have some useful man stuff to say about respect and no more mr nice guy. As a woman, I think respecting my man is really important without wanting him to be a nasty chest-beater!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
But, not good at being mean or short... do I still remain pleasant with her? Still spend time with her? Should I stop telling her what I'm doing And when I'm doing it? She complained about not being able to reach me Via text. She's breaking down afraid she will be fired from her job and She is the primary breadwinner in our M.
She of course has already noticed I've lost weight in my rapid GAL plan.
Quick thoughts, but some of the guys here will do better...
But, not good at being mean or short... do I still remain pleasant with her? - Be calm and civil like you would to a neighbour or slightly odd acquaintance. Still spend time with her? Should I stop telling her what I'm doing. - Not much. Yes, other than practicalities. And when I'm doing it? She complained about not being able to reach me via text. - Tough. Welcome to the new world she has made. She fired you from being her H...different rules apply now. She's breaking down afraid she will be fired from her job and She is the primary breadwinner in our M. - Again, tough with a validation of 'gosh that must feel stressful'. Maybe you need to get a different job that earns more. Guess that will be helpful GAL if you do end up divorced?
She of course has already noticed I've lost weight in my rapid GAL plan. - GAL is for YOU. Meh to if she notices, just meh. The situation won't be fixed by a 6 pack (although it might make you feel good!)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I ask myself why is it that people that love each other and have shared The best moments in each others' lives get to the point where they Would want to hurt each other... it's truly ugly. Why would the choice To have an A be a better one than at least a solid attempt at working on And improving those things that are wrong or not working.
My W for years pointed out she wasn't happy (I dismissed it because we always would come back to each other)..but she said I would hate for us to hate each other. I always said that wouldn't happen. But slowly and steadily we both added negativity. And we only see what the other person is doing.
The thing is: I still don't hate her. In fact, I love her more. She in turn seems to do the same thing.
But it is sooooo easy to get into a game where the more we can hurt them because they hurt us becomes a justifiable approach.
This is why counseling is so crucial and especially those sessions where we learn skills depending on specific situations.
Every fight I had with my W. I started it because I wanted to win the argument or wanted her to realize what SHE was doing (I was arrogantly dismissing my own culpability). But every time it would escalate I would sit in a corner extremely upset I let that happen. It seems my W. has similar sentiments but pride, hurt, fear, anxiety, pain etc... all block us in this process.
The only solution is to stop adding to the cycle. And hopefully both (all) sides do the same.
I don't want to win a fight to feel good. My ego doesn't need it. I accept My role in my W getting to the point of extreme feelings of frustration And/or neglect where she felt the solution was an A. I am open To all and any criticisms as long as there's a mutual feeling of collaboratively Improving our M. I feel immense pain and sadness and now realize it's key that I work on myself and GAL.... But I accept and understand Her feelings. Just not her actions.
I ask myself why is it that people that love each other and have shared The best moments in each others' lives get to the point where they Would want to hurt each other... it's truly ugly. Why would the choice To have an A be a better one than at least a solid attempt at working on And improving those things that are wrong or not working.
depends.
Some affairs are exit affairs for marriages that were on life support and inertia kept them technically married, OR entitled affairs that WAS feels they deserve. That can be due to unmet needs in the marriage that they have expressed and in their hearts they have felt rejected or neglected a long time
and their pain itself was not enough for their h's to change anything...and when temptation comes along and they are vulnerable, it just seems easier to start fresh with someone who makes them feel as they had once felt with their h's...(let alone deal with their h's anger now)...
versus an Entitled affair for a spouse who is selfish and doesn't like having to put other's needs ahead of theirs, (including children), or sees themselves as deserving whatever they want
but they rarely admit^^ they are that self absorbed. They know how it sounds.
So they will justify the affair they "deserve" by tearing down their spouse or revising the marriage into a distorted time of utter misery.
A lot depends on what you knew and when and how you reacted to it, and how you see your w's choices.
Plus, short term "flings" or one night stands are in a very different category, so are affairs that are confessed and when you see true remorse in the spouse who has had an A.
Not sure if I answered your question but I thought I'd give it a try.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just wondering if I should be purely focusing on Improving myself and GAL this^^^ and only this, for 2 reasons.
1) you have your own sandbox to work in, with your stuff, which is your job.
2) you are all you control. Back off working on your wife. It's her job, not yours.
or calmly asking W to arrange counseling for herself as well as us. Don't ask your wife to do what is obviously needed IF SHE wants to work on the m.
I'm still not clear that is what SHE wants. Are you?
I feel Guilty because her work is so stressful she's about to crack So I'm just lost about how to proceed right now.
I'm not a T, but I think you feel guilty b/c of the role you played in your marriage getting here. That's normal but be sure to identify what causes what.
And feeling guilty (regrets) about your past is ONLY useful to guide you in new behaviors and choices, not to beat yourself up about.
And not to assume responsibility for her choices.
If you two are going to reconcile, there will be CLARITY from her about wanting to work on the m and you won't be guessing about how to interpret things.
She may not be there now. You want to become a man only a fool would leave.
So, back to YOU and your GAL...what's new in that arena?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
