Here again part 11

[T384]

Well H called,

I tried to bite my tongue and handled it as best as I could, I counted to 10 in my head while he was lying. I said what are you doing, he said I'm in X city, he said at the bowling alley, thinking about joining the league up here.

I said H, I am not stupid, you were not there and do not lie to me. This is not a hotel, there are 3 children here and it's not come and go as you please, since you seek that lifestyle you shouldn't be coming here to stay anymore. He said I know it's not a hotel, hold on I'm going to send you a picture of the bowling alley, I said H I don't need or want a picture, you think that proves anything? I said you can take a picture it doesn't mean that's where you are. He said well I'll send you a pin of my location, I said again, don't bother, it means nothing to me. Again, this isn't a hotel. He said this is ridiculous you never believe anything I say, I went and bought a new dryer, I'm running around getting stuff taken care of for the truck and you think I'm up to no good now. I said I am not a stupid person and am not going to listen to things that aren't true... I need to get the kids to bed. Goodbye and hung up.

I didn't yell or get angry, just spoke matter of fact.

When he gets here I am contemplating telling him that I forgot to mention do not dare come to this home after spending time with other women.

[T384]

Ha Ownit, I will gladly do that for you.

No deadbolt unfortunately, but I did turn off all the lights inside and outside. I also may have used his towel he uses to shower to clean up around the toilet (2 young boys can be quite messy)

[OwnIt]

Controlling T. Either let him in or don't, but he isn't going to listen to or respect your rules. You are slipping back into the same dynamic. L.E.T. I.T. G.O.

Just have the locks changed tomorrow. If he changes them back, he changes them back.

[Train]

x2.

He got to you. Again.

[25yearsmlc]

Well final is over, passed with an A! Happy about that but my webcam


T3, CONGRATS!! What a feat! So enjoy the success you had ^^^ and don't follow up with "But my..."

you are undermining yourself at almost every corner. Sweetie be gentle with yourself b/c at some point if you cannot, it will spill over into other areas. Model the love you want your sons to feel for themselves, with yourself.

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So as far as me spiraling, I don't feel that I do this other than my R with H. I do get anxious like about my tests and things but it doesn't make me spiral down these negative roads of XYZ. I think with H I fear how unpredictable he is.

your h is consistently inconsistent. You've made him the priority of your family while the family is merely an option for him.



I'm not sure if I mentioned this but my C brought it up to H. About his actions triggering me and me having a form of PTSD regarding what happened in the past. He said that because H lied to me so much during last BD I repeatedly ask the same questions thinking that maybe on the 10th time he will finally tell me the truth because of that being the case last BD.

okay, fair enough^^^^. What can YOU do with ^^^this? how is it serving you now?



He also said I need a lot of reassurance through H's actions because his words to me are possible of being lies like last time. He also had asked H in MC why he expects me to just not ask any questions or want no communication if I have a problem or he's making me uncomfortable. H said he doesn't want to talk about anything he just wants to be left alone and things will get better eventually.


cake eat, much? I mean, this^^ is you NOT getting your needs met - and him not wanting to do the work needed to repair a betrayed relationship. Yep, that's what that is.

this ^^ is not new info is it? AND So, now what?



My frustration (and torturing myself) is that this woman wouldn't be involved if MIL hadn't involved her. She was involved last BD doing the same crap.

OMG T3!~!!! ((( ))) what difference does this make now? How on earth can this possible tangent, or thread of "intrigue"??? or nonsense help or steer you?

You are inflicting yet more pain on yourself and there's no way you can be present for your sons AND your work AND be doing this to yourself. No way.

Sweet T3, I'm getting a little cray cray just reading this. Get a STOP SIGN and put it in your head or do some meditation or hire a trainer or a new bff who keeps redirecting your thoughts away from useless torture

Endless wondering is endless suffering. - Caroline Myss

and yes, I've posted that before but then, you have asked these questions before so I guess I"m throwing this back at you.



H is weak and easily influenced, and while a big boy and capable of making his own decisions, everyone that knows H knows he's fueled by others influence. This changes nothing *I know* because I cannot control this and there is *nothing* I can do to change that. He will talk to whomever he wants to and do whatever he chooses. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to have some choice words with her. She's on marriage number 3, 4 kids all different fathers... great role model for advocating for our family

this^^^ will probably not change. Now you know.


-

H is an irrational person, my whole family says this. He makes rash decision on a whim or emotion. His dad told my father when H and I first met 'don't count on him, he never finishes everything.' My dad said what a terrible way for a father to think, but now 13 years later my dad says well I guess his dad was right. H has all of these projects and is always searching for *something* to make him happy. For example, last year he had to have this very expensive big diesel truck, that was going to make him happy and that's what he needed.

Then he came home a few months later with another boat (we already have one big one for offshore) but this one was better because it was smaller and he could easily take it out with the boys it was something for our whole family and it was going to be great.

Then he bought a project truck because he wanted a project for him to work on with the kids. Well needless to say he's just started working on that truck now because he needs the $$ and can turn a profit. Well then in March he bought the motorcycle. This one was because he needed a hobby, I said what about the boat and the truck, he said no I need a hobby that's for me, *alone*. I need to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. This is what makes me happy, riding the motorcycle. Now this came as a shock as he has not mentioned a motorcycle since 2008 since we sold our last one we used to ride with friends because of our oldest being born. However, boss and boss daughter I have now found out have motorcycles. Anyway, that's his cycle. Except like I told him----I am not a project you just give up on and move on.

MIL told me a couple months ago that what has happened between us is what she *heard* happened between H and his GF before me. H had told me he had moved out of his GF and moved in with his parents because he caught his GF cheating on him. MIL said she heard from XGF parents that H was very much in fact living there when he started talking to me and that he left XGF for me, I was 18 at the time and really didn't know any different. We lived far away from each other and had met through a mutual friend when I was vacationing up north. So I didn't live up there to know if he was living with her when we first started talking. But if that's the case it's the same thing as last BD, talkign to another female while still in R then leaving when he got the courage for the new R. Only difference is he came back to me when his new R failed. So this history, if true, makes me realize that A he probably won't come back unless his new R fails and B this may very well be a life long cycle (which my dad says it will be) and I will be here every couple years going through the same crap.

the history you know of, is true. Never mind his XGF or what may have happened, what you DO know is that he has a pattern and now you can see it.


So where does that leave me? All this information still leads me along the same course of action to continue to drop the rope. I don't know what my goal is anymore because reflecting on what I have typed above makes me wonder why I even want this man in my life?

^^^this is not a linear process. Even though I say that often, I still find myself learning what it means.


I have gotten to the point of reminding myself he walked out when the baby was a month old. That is not someone with the type of character I am willing to accept as a partner in my life.

Okay and I don't want this to come off as if I'm worried about saving the M... but is what I'm doing what I am supposed to be?-----. Anyway, I'm just making sure that what I'm doing is what I should be because I don't want to further fuel his opinion of me that he's made the right decision.

what comes to my mind is, "who cares what he thinks?" But I know you want to read his mind. Which I cannot. I can only assume you'd worsen things if you scream at him, but that's about all I can offer at this point. I think his lurking around and being tolerated in the home is pretty damn lucky for him.


On another note, I just bought top of the line Samsung washer and dryer about 18 months ago and I woke up to the dryer being broken this morning! - I don't want to ask H to look at it but I really don't want to pay someone to come out. I haven't spoke with him to initiate any contact in days and would like to keep it that way. Maybe if I just hit it a few times it will work lol

Since he's in the house, he probably broke the washer dryer!!

just kidding but seems to me this is a legit "issue" he can help with or at least know about. Seems like a safe topic. Relatively!!

[Train]

If you want to go off on him, T, let it be on YOUR schedule. Not as a reaction to anything he's doing or not doing. When you're on the defensive like this, you hand him power. But it seems you don't have the guts to do it offensively. And you have said it's because you're too scared he is going to pull $??? But you're not afraid he will pull $$$ when you lose your temper being reactive like this tonight?

[25yearsmlc]

Well H called,

I tried to bite my tongue and handled it as best as I could, I counted to 10 in my head while he was lying. I said what are you doing, he said I'm in X city, he said at the bowling alley, thinking about joining the league up here.

I said H, I am not stupid, you were not there and do not lie to me. This is not a hotel, there are 3 children here and it's not come and go as you please, since you seek that lifestyle you shouldn't be coming here to stay anymore. He said I know it's not a hotel, hold on I'm going to send you a picture of the bowling alley, I said H I don't need or want a picture, you think that proves anything? I said you can take a picture it doesn't mean that's where you are. He said well I'll send you a pin of my location, I said again, don't bother, it means nothing to me. Again, this isn't a hotel. He said this is ridiculous you never believe anything I say, I went and bought a new dryer, I'm running around getting stuff taken care of for the truck and you think I'm up to no good now. I said I am not a stupid person and am not going to listen to things that aren't true... I need to get the kids to bed. Goodbye and hung up.

I didn't yell or get angry, just spoke matter of fact.

When he gets here I am contemplating telling him that I forgot to mention do not dare come to this home after spending time with other women.

T3,

I literally checked the date of this post b/c I swear I have seen these comments before.

Same old.

"I'm not stupid" - why bother saying that? Who cares if he lies now? Either confront with truth or don't care,

but this is like a script (sadly, it's one you co-wrote). With fake boundaries.



ugh

[T384]

I didn't say anything else.

I just shut everything off lights etc. and had my bedroom door shut and locked.

Since there's no deadbolt I figure that's the best I could do.

I want to enforce the boundary so do I just tell him after tonight's conversation, no more coming here tomorrow

[25yearsmlc]

all that matters is that he said he'd be home to help with the boys and he was not.

Nothing else he says matters. Literally.

He's not pretending to be committed to you and he's not saying or acting as if he's married to you. God only knows why he bothers to lie (and he lies so poorly/weirdly.)

Who cares about a bowling alley & joining a league, when you're supposed to help put your sons to sleep? OMG I might have laughed. Seriously.

"H, stop. Don't need to know, don't care. All I know is you're not here to help with the kids as you promised. So of course I feel set up. Now I know you're not coming at all tonight. You know I have to get up early for X so That was a lousy thing to do. Gotta go. Bye."

The End

[T384]

I don't care if he lies but do it somewhere else....

I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him this wasn't a hotel and that he needed to make his own arrangements outside of the home because staying here isn't working.

Damn I thought I was doing right .... guess I failed at that one.

I know what I wanted to add when he got here wasn't right and that was anger so I didn't say it.

I just remember last time when he lied to me I cut him off in the middle of the lie and said I won't tolerate being lied to and ended the conversation so that's kind of what I was going for with this conversation and made it about you no life are welcome here.

I guess the finance part was me being on the offense he hadn't done anything wrong in the moment ... whereas right now he knows he s lying and he knows he's wrong deep down inside and him being kicked out of here in this moment is a result of his acute/immediate choice and I figured he would be less likely to pull finances. Maybe that makes no sense but that was my thought process. That he knows he deserves to not stay here?

Bear with me ladies. I am on like zero sleep. But hey on a positive note I PASSED my encounter and my professor was an ANGEL!! she was super appreciative that I was willing to do it so late at night 1015-11pm! We did it faster than it was supposed to be which was nice n