Thank you all for your words. Thank you Sandi for the lyrics whenever I am having a down day I will come back and re read them like I do a lot of your posts.
Cadence, I know you have been through that with me a 100000 times. I recognize that, I guess I am trying to explain my feelings becasue you guys only know what I tell you of H.
He has pulled himself further and further away. I think I mentioned yesterday and today he was gone both mornings no word of when he would be back, if the kids were taken care of, if I had plans, etc. He just comes and goes as he wants.
Am I supposed to say you're welcome to his texts if he says thank you. I have adopted the policy of not responding unless it necessitates a response ie kids, bills, direct important questions. Everything else goes unanswered.
I'm feeling a little frustrated today, he was again gone all day(fine by me), but continues to talk to that nasty girl his mom got involved. They have sent hundreds of messages in the last week and talked on the phone for an hour and a half, I find that every time after he talks to her he is even more cold to me. He came in the house while I was studying and listened to the baby cry for an hour and didn't offer to take him. He's been home for 4 hours and hasn't yet acknowledged the baby to even say hello to him.
I walked out earlier to find he had left again, I didn't even know he wasn't here. I know I have to let go of feeling frustrated but when do I get to come and go as I please? Maybe I would like to be irresponsible!! lol ... I have a HUGE exam and even bigger webcam encounter tomorrow morning and I don't get to just up and leave to study for that. My continuation in the program is determined by tomorrow's encounter (and the mood of my professor)
Whatever, I AM letting it go. This is his choices and I just wish he wasn't here but unfortunately that's not my reality right now so it's just a waste of thinking about it. I wish his inability to help wasn't here to be rubbed in my face. He can spend hours on the phone with another woman talking about our relationship and what the future holds but cannot talk to me about it. He hasn't seen this woman in 14 years. Hasn't talked to her since last BD when did this same [censored], telling her it was over, he wasn't coming back blah blah blah. But I have to remember like my C said, he is just building up this army of people to support him in his decision and if they disagreed with him he wouldn't be talking to them.
Okay vent over. I am so stressed. I have been on this computer studying for almost 12 hours now, I think I am going cross eyed. I recognize that. I just want tomorrow to be over with and know that I will continue on in school and not have to sit out a year.
Cadence - that book, is it the 1996 or 2002 edition? Also I re read some of the thread again today (for probably the 20th time) and I believe it was Cadet that mentioned if you read the thread there wasn't much else in the book that was beneficial beyond what was discussed in the thread if I remember correctly. Correct me if I am wrong though as I haven't read the book.
I said to my mom yesterday, I wish I was seeing some positive response from H as to what I'm doing, some type of inclination that he's having second thoughts. She said hes removing himself further and further so he isn't thinking twice about his decision... and why would I want him back after him doing this to me twice. I just don't know? What does that say about me? I don't even know anymore. I just know I want that opportunity.
I feel like waaah waaaah waaaah haha
Everything will work out as it should, I feel better just writing this out. But I do apologize those of you who have to cringe through reading this.
I'm currently listening to him out in the living room talking to my dad, eating pizza, watching the race, like our normal Sunday evenings just minus us acknowledging each others existence.
So I guess this is where I'm at today in an effort to improve myself Why do I still hold him to the standard of what he was to me as a husband and a partner? How do I stop that and accept him for who he is right now? Which is not my 'hero'
How do I work toward not letting him frustrate me when I see he is not pulling his weight as a parent?
Why do I view everything negatively in this situation?
What does it look like for me to accept his decision and move forward with my life?
How do I let go of all the anger and resentment I have toward him and how do I work toward not showing that (I don't feel I have lately)
Why do I compare myself to these other women he talks to?
Why do I let it bother me so much that he is discussing our M with other women that A. do not know me, B. really don't know H since high school, C. Don't know our family or our life
I think I know all of these answers, drop the rope.
+1 with OwnIt. I'm incredibly impressed that you caught yourself, T.
First off, I would like you to sit, close your eyes, take some deep breaths and think of all that you've accomplished and the enormous pressures you've been under. DBing/dealing with a wayward or MLCer is not for the faint of heart. But you've done it once and you're doing it again, and you've got a baby and a graduate program this time.
You are more powerful that you will ever know. You can do anything and you are going to kick some b&tt on that test and webcam encounter today.
Some professors are hesitant to let others into their club. It's a big problem all over academia. Lucky, my program this time around is supportive, but in my last degree at a different university there was faculty infighting and other faculty attacking students brought in by faculty they didn't like.
It's unfortunate, but I've also seen accomplished women without families who hold it against women with kids who are trying to attain entrance to their career club.
What I've learned: Professors are people too. Figure out what makes them tick. This professor sounds like she is hard on students and wants to feel good about passing them.
So, for you: shoulders back, confidence, and a small bit of deference. Nothing she can perceive as weak, particularly if it's a woman. If you can, compliment her by letting them know you took their advice to heart and have been working hard (they want to know your improvement was as a result of their feedback.)
Play the game, T. I'm not even going to wish you luck because you've so got this!
Okay, now that topic is over, back to the above. T, you see you spiral down. After your exam is done (and you've done amazing, as we all know you will) sit and think about your patterns. What brings you to the state above? We know you're just venting, and are trying hard not to give off signals in real life, but the venting and the fact that you're in that state isn't good for you.
It seems like you panic. We've eliminated the "D" word from your repertoire (thank goodness), but there is still the snooping and dissecting his behavior. You dissect his behavior still trying to make predictions about him and what it all means. And I think that all you're accomplishing is torturing yourself.
Do you do this when you're worried about other areas of your life? How are you feeling before it happens?
Quote:
I wish I was seeing some positive response from H as to what I'm doing, some type of inclination that he's having second thoughts. She said hes removing himself further and further so he isn't thinking twice about his decision... and why would I want him back after him doing this to me twice. I just don't know? What does that say about me? I don't even know anymore. I just know I want that opportunity.
Your mom is undoubtedly a lovely person, but from what I see in her advice, she stays very much on the surface level and advises you based on that.
I don't say that to give you false hope, but I think we've all accepted that he's 100% certain he's doing the right thing at this point in time. He was sure the last time, too, so certainty isn't a reliable predictor of what will happen. The thing about feelings like being sure and being certain is that they change. They change based on our moods (as you can see with yourself), the pressures in our life, and when there is new information.
Also, based on the fact that he's done this once before, your H doesn't seem to know himself very well. He second-guesses himself and rather than making the best of things, he wants to upturn his whole life, again. And he recruits supporters to help him make the transition (Wow - I didn't know he also talked to the same woman last time around!) We don't know where he's going to end up, but it's possible he does the exact same thing he did last time. And, if so, you can take the information available to you at that time and make a choice. The signs he's showing now don't predict anything.
I don't disagree with your mom. It's more of an "Ok, and?" sort of feeling. She doesn't delve in very far, and that's okay. She tells you what she sees because she loves you and wants to help you. She thinks you'll feel better if you let go. And I agree with her on that part, but I don't think there's any reason to back off of leaving the door cracked behind you if/when his feelings changed.
DBing and GAL mean you accept what the other person wants/doesn't want, because we have no control over them, and we let go. We go on to build the best, fullest life without them, and we learn we can survive - or even thrive! - without them.
Re: the book. I'll read the thread again, but my feeling was that I got a great deal more out of the book in terms of what constitutes pursuit and distance and the pattern that develops. The thread, as I recall, was focused on characteristics of pursuers and distancers.
But I'll read the thread again and let you know if I still think it's worth buying the book. Let me get back to you on that
Well final is over, passed with an A! Happy about that but my webcam encounter was postponed. I sat in front of the computer for 20 minutes waiting for my professor to get an email saying there was a family emergency and she had to reschedule. Can't say I wasn't elated but now my schedule is tight for child care the rest of the week so I hope she will be understanding about that. Hope everything is okay with her family!
Yes, I'm not sure what her deal is but I am going to go into it confident and do my best and there's not much more I can ask of myself and what will be will be, but I can't say I won't be disappointed if I do not do well. My main concern/problem with the program is the inconsistency in grading/expectations. A lot of other friends I have in the program have professors that barely even asked questions during their encounter whereas my teacher expects it to list 2-2.5 hours!! I guess I will be better prepared for practice IRL.
So as far as me spiraling, I don't feel that I do this other than my R with H. I do get anxious like about my tests and things but it doesn't make me spiral down these negative roads of XYZ. I think with H I fear how unpredictable he is. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but my C brought it up to H. About his actions triggering me and me having a form of PTSD regarding what happened in the past. He said that because H lied to me so much during last BD I repeatedly ask the same questions thinking that maybe on the 10th time he will finally tell me the truth because of that being the case last BD. He also said I need a lot of reassurance through H's actions because his words to me are possible of being lies like last time. He also had asked H in MC why he expects me to just not ask any questions or want no communication if I have a problem or he's making me uncomfortable. H said he doesn't want to talk about anything he just wants to be left alone and things will get better eventually.
Okay I think I'm rambling off topic now.
My frustration (and torturing myself) is that this woman wouldn't be involved if MIL hadn't involved her. She was involved last BD doing the same crap. H is weak and easily influenced, and while a big boy and capable of making his own decisions, everyone that knows H knows he's fueled by others influence. This changes nothing *I know* because I cannot control this and there is *nothing* I can do to change that. He will talk to whomever he wants to and do whatever he chooses. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to have some choice words with her. She's on marriage number 3, 4 kids all different fathers... great role model for advocating for our family
I get that feelings change. I know that first hand within myself how much my feelings have changed over the last 4.5 months. When I'm sad, I want things to work out, when I'm angry I want to scream at him and kick him out and then when I'm just blah - I feel like eh whatever happens. And all of those feelings can happen in one day!
H is an irrational person, my whole family says this. He makes rash decision on a whim or emotion. His dad told my father when H and I first met 'don't count on him, he never finishes everything.' My dad said what a terrible way for a father to think, but now 13 years later my dad says well I guess his dad was right. H has all of these projects and is always searching for *something* to make him happy. For example, last year he had to have this very expensive big diesel truck, that was going to make him happy and that's what he needed. Then he came home a few months later with another boat (we already have one big one for offshore) but this one was better because it was smaller and he could easily take it out with the boys it was something for our whole family and it was going to be great. Then he bought a project truck because he wanted a project for him to work on with the kids. Well needless to say he's just started working on that truck now because he needs the $$ and can turn a profit. Well then in March he bought the motorcycle. This one was because he needed a hobby, I said what about the boat and the truck, he said no I need a hobby that's for me, *alone*. I need to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. This is what makes me happy, riding the motorcycle. Now this came as a shock as he has not mentioned a motorcycle since 2008 since we sold our last one we used to ride with friends because of our oldest being born. However, boss and boss daughter I have now found out have motorcycles. Anyway, that's his cycle. Except like I told him----I am not a project you just give up on and move on.
MIL told me a couple months ago that what has happened between us is what she *heard* happened between H and his GF before me. H had told me he had moved out of his GF and moved in with his parents because he caught his GF cheating on him. MIL said she heard from XGF parents that H was very much in fact living there when he started talking to me and that he left XGF for me, I was 18 at the time and really didn't know any different. We lived far away from each other and had met through a mutual friend when I was vacationing up north. So I didn't live up there to know if he was living with her when we first started talking. But if that's the case it's the same thing as last BD, talkign to another female while still in R then leaving when he got the courage for the new R. Only difference is he came back to me when his new R failed. So this history, if true, makes me realize that A he probably won't come back unless his new R fails and B this may very well be a life long cycle (which my dad says it will be) and I will be here every couple years going through the same crap.
So where does that leave me? All this information still leads me along the same course of action to continue to drop the rope. I don't know what my goal is anymore because reflecting on what I have typed above makes me wonder why I even want this man in my life? I have gotten to the point of reminding myself he walked out when the baby was a month old. That is not someone with the type of character I am willing to accept as a partner in my life. I think where I'm at is I want the opportunity to decide what *I* want. Meaning I don't want to be forced into D. Not sure how much truth there is to that but I think I would like the opportunity.
Okay and I don't want this to come off as if I'm worried about saving the M... but is what I'm doing what I am supposed to be? I do not talk to H AT ALL, no hello, goodbye, basically I walk by him and do not even make eye contact. Now I am nice in the house with the boys, my dad, if we are around friends, so I am my normal self, but just act like he doesn't exist. He's started putting his laundry back in the laundry basket and I have continued doing it as normal because I think it would be more trouble to go out of my way to sort it out in an effort to not do it. I no longer make him a plate for dinner. I do not ask his plans, what he's doing where he's been etc. I also do not ask for any help with the boys. Last night i wanted to take a shower but the baby was up, so I brought the swing into the bathroom lol... then S6 knocked on the bathroom door and wanted to come in and sit and hang out while I showered- I heard H yell at him to leave me alone that sometimes 'mommy needs privacy and a break from the boys' haha privacy-I'm showering with my 2 month old in a swing in the bathroom... Anyway, I'm just making sure that what I'm doing is what I should be because I don't want to further fuel his opinion of me that he's made the right decision.
On another note, I just bought top of the line Samsung washer and dryer about 18 months ago and I woke up to the dryer being broken this morning! They were so expensive and #1 on the consumer reports. I've already had problems with the washer and now the dryer is completely on the fritz. Won't even turn on. Ugh!! I need someone or something to cut me a break. I don't want to ask H to look at it but I really don't want to pay someone to come out. I haven't spoke with him to initiate any contact in days and would like to keep it that way. Maybe if I just hit it a few times it will work lol
I think it's easy to swing to extremes in these circumstances (which is why, despite the hardships it would cause, I *really* wish H would just move out already so you guys aren't in each other's faces everyday). Anyway remember how we encouraged you to stop worrying about what you "should" be doing? If not, here's your reminder.
I wouldn't, like, pick up the phone and call H to ask him to look at the dryer. But if he is in the house anyway, you can absolutely ask him to take a look at it! The key is in asking without expectations.
Don't make things harder on yourself than they already are!
CONGRATULATIONS on your final grade!!!!!!!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
You're gonna do great on the webcam encounter, T. If you're getting As on exams with everything going on, you're seriously superwoman. Be confident and don't forget to suck up if you have the opportunity ("thanks so much for your feedback. I really focused on what you said and I hope I showed improvements.")
A friend of mine is having an argument with her H and he's not talking to her and she's like "but then I think how you dealt with this for weeks and I think it's not so bad." I corrected her that it was months I was dealing with it.
I second Train's suggestion. If H is around, nonchalantly ask if he'd take a look at the dryer. He may refuse, but you'll be no worse off.
There's no instruction manual, T. The basis to guide how you conduct yourself is that you're doing it for you. If you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you feel like saying a polite "hi", say it. You don't have to ignore him and his texts, but you also don't have to answer them (if they're not necessary about the kids.)
You've been so focused on watching his every move for months that this should feel like a relief to you - you just get to do what you feel like and you don't have to care what he thinks. (Though I'd still remain somewhat detached and avoid arguments or R discussions like the plague.)
H went out to drop parts of at a friends house. Said he would be back at 1015 to put the boys to bed because I had to do my encounter.
He's still gone. He is at a house... pretty sure it's one of the mom's that tried to date him last time he left me. She's late 40s.
It's now 1130pm, I have to be up at 6am, I do not want him coming here. I called him once at 1115pm, first time I've called in ages). He didn't answer. I decided not to send a text but am wondering if I should, saying not to come here tonight.
